Today, Of Tomorrow

Alcohol is my default. Drunkeness a refuge for the insecurities and bitterness that dwell in these bones, indeed my very soul. Alcoholics (we rabid, wild flowers), regard intoxication as medicine who crave it as instinctively as breathing. To be born an addict, as there is no choice in this matter, is to be born with a heavy, persistant darkness that one learns quickly can be made bearable through liberal use of alcohol or pills (or both). So fast is this knowledge one is tempted to be overly dramatic with descriptions of angels and divine solutions but truth is more mundane, fact is that self preservation is as much part of the human fabric as any fraility and the minute we boozers get a taste of our 'medicine', addiction sets in. A wretched journey of despair, pain, lies, loathing and filth. A journey not everyone survives. In fact, I would wager more die from addiction than are accounted for because by its nature it is a disease that instills secrecy.

Today, Of Tomorrow 

 All of the horrors are given and known, have been lived through time and time again, yet the temptation of another drink remains. Not small and insignificent, harmless in the background but lurking on every thread of thought, constant in its danger to sobriety. A relentless bloodlust that should I ever lessen my grip on sobriety will ravish my soul with unspeakable terrors, as it has many times before. Sobriety isn't a natural state for me, in years distant I have used my powers of manipulation and deceit to avoid it at any cost. Today I am five years clean but its not game over. It is never game over. There is too high consequence in wanting a drink today. There is never a today. Today in drink becomes tomorrow in drink, and tomorrow after that, on and on it slides into oblivion. Like thousands of other alcoholics, the trickster becomes the tricked. The grain mistress has no equal when it comes to seductive poisons.

 Ode to Zero

 Alas I must refrain from pretty words for fear of getting distracted and this would be fatal with this disease. To put it bluntly: there are those of us where tomorrow must cease to exist. There can be no healing finish line in this race. The minute I allow to trust in tomorrow, is when things get dark. Get grim and bloody. Tomorrow is a new slate, a reset and if I believe in those, I am in danger today. Too many times I have indulged today, believing tomorrow was a new day that wouldn't bring the craving and therefore I would be safe. Alcoholism doesn't do safe. It wants you to trust. It wants to be an old friend. It wants you to put faith in it. And we all fall down.

As Dead As Angels

I Am No Saint But....

Before I get to the rainbow of the rain, this is one post where the header bounced around my head like a kitten on amphetamine. Usually I can take the 'pulse' of a situation and the headline will follow like a vampire's thrall, but here I landed a few that I liked. They can be so important and yet so throwaway and its one occasion I didn't want anything not made perfectly clear. So in the spirit of on the hoof blogging, I decided on two leave it stand.

I always admit that I am no angel. Not because I want to show that im prepared to stick the first nail into my crucifixion but because I like how the more I say it, the more I believe (or hope) it will sink in for those readers who might be tempted into thinking im preachy and pure hearted and thus deserving of praise. No. I can be as cruel as fish, am largely solitary and have no need of anything like that. Here's it may get hazy - I am no consciously thinking what I believe so have no desire for applause. I just am, me. I think good things, I think bad. That is indeed that. Bullet stop.
While I admit my views can be more barbed wire than cotton, one thing im thankful for is that that I treat everyone as equal (though sometimes they get a head start as im not perfect). Black, white, blue, fat, thin, killer, saint, rich, poor, wise. Bring them all on, petty 'faces' all to which I pay no heed, they don't matter. But the rest? Ah now the rest is up to you. Or even YOU.
I like it best this way, my way. A lifetime of razors and sunshine, all stacked up to shape the spirit of my machine.
Now like I say, im no saint but the rest of the world seems to think it is (which is probably why ive walked this earth largely solitary watching events from afar like a sniper watching war through a lens and caring little so the puzzle flees from me so far).
Even now while large parts of the real world are dying from hunger or being shot to bits from the words of holy books, the lucky side of the world (first world problems and all that) is at war with itself over their circle jerk Oscar award tosh (and again, first world problems huh?)
And jerking is right, they are not talking at all, merely w**king. Pulling themselves off over how clever and wise they all love to be. (Kept a straight face there, almost).

Woe is a world fuelled by such petty bullsh!t nonsense. One of the things a new friend notices about devil old me, is my rich diversity of friends and ex lovers. Onward they march from all corners of the map of life and morality. Like Buddah himself (but much less cool) I care not for sights and sounds. Like I keep saying, its what comes after that matters to me. And its what sane men throughout the ages have believed and why I feel dull here typing it out. The majority ought to get this by now but its apparent they don't still.

If you really must have awards for things, judge the work by the workers and if say the blue workers haven't done a decent shift one time, vote for another who has. Okay this years Oscars might be heavy on the white side but I would hope (for all my keen wisdom im still severely naïve) that its because they did the best movies this year? Could be that next year it swings opposite and those actors work will be recognised.
Please tell me this is how it works?

Quit all this petty bull crap. Like my 'friend' from GTA IV said once

You can't shake no hands when ye fist be clenched

― Little Jacob

Paris: Perfect Hope through Wild Cruelty

Its difficult to keep a sober heart in times when we see more gravestones than horizons, and those dreadful scenes in Paris barely a week ago, has made that foul brew of tragedy more bitter. More soul crushingly dark. It would be all too easy to mould our hearts into fists of vengeance and get lost forever in a carnival of blood and anger.
Fortunately the descent into chaos is slowed by exceptional souls. People like Antoine Leiris, a Parisian who penned an open letter to the terrorists telling them that they will not win his hatred. The achingly sad letter has gone viral on social media, and gives us a glimpse hope in purest form. I have read it five times now and each time the reading forges what feels like solid tears anew. I won't copy it all here because I feel that would somehow intrude on his Facebook post but here is a snippet:

"I saw her this morning. Finally, after nights and days of waiting. She was just as beautiful as when she left on Friday night, just as beautiful as when I fell hopelessly in love over 12 years ago. Of course I am devastated by this pain, I give you this little victory, but the pain will be short-lived. I know that she will be with us every day and that we will find ourselves again in this paradise of free love to which you have no access."

And I am crying again now. Such a beautiful force to make the darkness tremble! A lone voice among the fiery bones of despair. Pure hearted spirits like Antoine Leiris are truly the lifeforce orld needs to crush evil, keepers of a diamond light that can, and will, banish send hatered howling into the void.

.
Antoine Leiris. Your strength and courage brings hope with the power of a tempest. No words of mine can ever describe the love. Godspeed your healing.

Im Not R But....

Finally after 19 years, the killers of Stephen Lawrence are sentenced for their wicked crime. Dobson recieved a minimum of fifteen years and two months, while Norris got fourteen years and three months. The Lawrence family fought an uphill battle for nearly twenty years to get here, largely due to the simple fact that they were black. Shame on us all.
And don't for one second believe that its got any better since Stephen's murder in 1993 because it damned well hasn't. You will people utter the title of this article dy in, day out, all across the country, "Im not racist but..." and you just know the next words spilling from their mouths will be exactly that; RACIST. (By the way the reason I have omitted the rest of the letters after R is the poet in me wanted it to look more 'arty', whether it does or not).
One only has to look at current stories in football where some players have been accused of racially insulting each other to know that racism is far from gone. Its just that in a lot of instances, the 'style' of racism has changed, its not (football aside) as direct as it used to be. Its subtle but still as vile of course. I remember reading a story where Oprah Winfrey went shopping in Paris and she asked for a certain shop to stay open for her but they refused. There were hints that had it been a white celebrity, things would have been different. Now who knows for sure if this would have been the case but I know what I think. Subtle.


Simple enough for you?

And look at all the Islamophobia that has arised from the ashes of terrorist attacks. Some misguided souls now believe that ALL Muslims are terrorists, hell bent on whiping out the great white satan. It matters not that these atrocities were carried out by a tiny few, condemn them ALL seems to be the reasoning. I could post jokes about Allah and Islam on the internet all day and nobody is offended. (In fact I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot have foolishly convinced themselves that these jokes are based on fact. This is how dim they are).
Yet if I poke fun at, God forbid (pun intended), Christianity these same saps go quiet or tut like nuns at an orgy. The internet is rife with racism, one only has to visit a forum or read the comments under a news story dealing with the subject to see the evidence. (And not all forums are this way I hasten to add). I really had hoped the human race had advanced somewhat, and while most of us are , there are the sad, brainless few who keep holding us in the grip of ignorance. And fear. A lot of racism is down to fear.
And before you shoot this post down in bloody shreds, racism rears its ugly head in every group of colour or culture. For every white supremacist there is someone who dislikes whites. Its a big stinking smelting pot of hate, seeping its poison all over the land. Keeping us pinned to the wall of neanderthals where only one tribe can ever be perfect. Be honest, its nonsense. Nothing short of madness. Do we really want to go back to the days of segregation and all that crap? I for one do not wish to live in a such a horrid world. The subject shouldn't even be an issue, and I feel silly for writing about it in such supposed 'enlightened' times but some people need reminding; Racism IS wrong.
I suspect a lot of people who expect a ticket into their 'Heaven' when they finally flake out will be disappointed, as im almost sure religion *insert your pick here* and its associated prophets had something to say about hate. (Here's a hint, it wasn't good). Religion is where I have noticed racism creep in the most on my internet travels, having met a lot of white Christians (with litle Christian charity) who revel in mocking Muslims and Islam, believing it to be a 'religion of hate'. (And they do it without a hint of irony too). Of course were I to stray onto Muslim sites I know Id see similar rubbish going on there too.
Its a depressing state of affairs, and I fear for the furure of Mankind if this is the way it intends to carry on. Humanity seems to want, almost need aggravation to have something to do. I can sit on my porch some nights , looking up at the stars and despair at a world that is seemingly content to turn on hatred and fighting. (Little wonder I find the shine on a bottle so appealing).
Strip away the skin and you will find the heart and spirit of Man to be of equal value. This is as simple as its ever going to get and if you still don't understand then the grave that you will eventually make for yourself will be a very cold one indeed.