Saturday 29 December 2012

Welsh New Year Tradition

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A Mari Lwyd

A lot of countries have their own wierd and wonderful traditions on New Years Eve and we in Wales are no different. (Hope everyone has had a great Christmas by the way!) One of the most famous was the Mari Lwyd (Grey Mare) and im grateful for having attended Welsh schools (Ysgol Parc Y Tywyn, Burry Port and Strade nr Llanelli) that I remember enacting this fabulous tradition. It also appealed to my more morbid side because it involved skulls. "Skulls?" I hear you ask astounded. Yes skulls, a horse skull to be precise. What you did was somehow get hold of a horse skull, fit it with fake eyes (and maybe ears) and cover it with a white sheet/blanket and ribbons. Attach a wooden pole and voila! The Mari Lwyd was ready.
The Mari would be taken door to door in a noisy procession (while drinking.) Those who opened their doors were greeted by Welsh poems and insults and were expected to reply in the same manner in a kind of 'verbal battle'. And win or lose the result was the same when Mari Lwyd and her crowd were called in for drinks with the householders.
Alas due to the public drunkeness and insults, the chapels of the 19th century urged people to swap insults to Christmas carols and many believe that this taming of the tradition led to the demise of the Mari Lwyd as its seldom seen these days sadly.

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Monday 17 December 2012

The Gun Jaws and Changes

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First things first, yes you read the title correct. Im being 'artsy', forgive me, sometimes I can't resist it.
Secondly I understand the "right to bear arms" but before we bear arms here, sit and bear with me a while. Thank you.

The husband of the US politician Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot in Arizona, has called for action on America's gun laws following the latest mass shooting where 26 people were killed, 20 of them children. And I understand how Mr Giffords must feel (we never learn) but is now the time?
Shouldn't we be thinking about those who perished? Souls gone way before their time, before they even had chance to breathe proper?
As for doing what Mr Giffords suggests, America will have to either change their mindset to maybe a Swiss model (own guns but one of safest countries regarding gun crime), or introduce much tighter gun controls in the near future. It can be done. We managed to successfully ban smoking (almost) everywhere and tobacco was equally as widespread, powerfully lobbied for, and supported by the majority.
All it would take is a prolonged campaign to change the public mindset toward firearms and gun ownership. Until then, America will always have to deal with these kind of bloody shootings. Worse it will get im afraid but alas, Mankind seems to enjoy mourning, we never learn a damned thing. All that happens is prayers and flowery photographs will be shared on social media, some will weep a little but like the other massacres that went before it, most people will forget and carry on. They always do. And the saddest part is that sympathy is diluted by events we are doomed to repeat. Heres the general feeling from the rest of the world right now:

"Listening to the Americans online I give up. Its ridiculous. Who cares anymore? Let them have their precious right to bear arms and we will just watch in horror as they kill each other. If the needless slaughter of their own children with legally bought battlefield grade weaponry in a primary school doesn't change their views, frankly nothing ever will."

People are frustrated and angry, grief is paused while the world digests this latest terrible episode in its history. We understand how Americans feel about the 2nd Amendment, "the right to bear arms". We get it we really do but when we hear about protecting homes from home invasions etc one cannot fail to wonder if our friends across the pond spend too much time living in fear. And I wonder if a person can truly see themselves as free if they live in such fear?
Its not all doom however because Dai Jakes has been buoyed by hope this morning on hearing what President Obama has said; "These tragedies have to end, and to end them we must change. We, as a nation, are left with hard questions."
Yes you are, and I for one dont envy you at all. You must be prepared for Change (capital C.) I just pray its not more heavy rhetoric from a politician eager to soothe the pain of a nation. (I want them to be soothed but not by a paper tongue.) I love the United States and hate how it is being judged so poorly/harshly during these awful days of anguish by other countries citizens. They'll say they care not of course but don't believe it. They care, just as we do for them.
I dont wish to see a total ban on firearms (though in the same breath im glad we don't have this fear to need to rely on weapons here in the UK.) Just stricter controls on the damned things. Is this really too much to ask in the wake of this latest incident?

*By the way as a footnote; most people would be hesitant to shoot an intruder in their home, especially when confronted with real danger of losing their own life. (And the simple fact that its not easy taking a persons life, even if they are putting you at peril.) The average gun toting home owner is more likely to be the one on the sorry end.

Sunday 16 December 2012

Everybody Having Fun?

The Silly Season is here, roll out the carols! Fair enough, why not? I enjoy a good Christmas carol as much as the next person but some of the lyrics are enough to send Mormons to the scotch. For instance: "Now here it is Merry Christmas, everynodys having fun." No, just no. There is no 'feelgood' vibe there, not really. If you were to take away the extremely catchy music all you'd be left with is a wet fart of assembled words, empty of anything sincere and promising...well not much.
Its rather like saying, "I like putting baked beans in jacket potatoes, you do too!" Then adding a sappy "groovy" at the end.
Everybodys having fun? Surely not EVERYBODY? Even the homeless? The ones in warzones? Lonely people at their wits end? Pensioners struggling to heat their homes? Those unfortunates who have been made redundant weeks before Christmas? Lost souls crushed by addiction who see dying as a good option? Genuine disabled folks who have had their benefits cut? (And like the addicts see death as a better way.) Abused children who are beaten and raped by real life monsters?
The longer list I trot out, the heavier I feel my fingers hitting the keyboard, angry and saddened by the fact that no, not everyone is having fun at all. Not by a long shot. I realise Christmas carols must be sickly cheerful and sugar coated with dreamy sentiments, and its nice to be able to escape for a bit but lets not ever forget that its ESCAPING we are doing. The jolly-carol-festive-world is Shangria La. Enjoy but dont forget (I know some will have by the end of reading this) that Christmas doesn't give us all a means to hide for a while and it isn't always icing sugar on mince pies (or whatever that sugary stuff is.)
Of course this post is not meant to be taken as some astounding revelation, and neither is it to put a dampner on peoples festivities. Its just here as a simple reminder, this is all. Enjoy and remember your fellow man!

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Tuesday 11 December 2012

Prank Too Far

Dai Jakes resisted the urge to air his views on the 'Royal Prank Call' until today because to be honest I have been too angry to get my thoughts in order; and had I published them on the day that the sad news broke it would have come out like a wall of 'white noise', seething with rage and spewing profanities toward anyone in a corked hat, drinking Fosters. But attacking blindly is the fools way so I decided to hold off the blog until I gathered my thoughts some more and calmed down.
We all know the story by now and my heart goes out to the loved ones of Jacintha Saldanha, a nurse who by all accounts was dedicated to her job and a devoted mother. Sad times indeed and I pray they have the strength to get through this awful time. Some cannot understand how a person could take their own life after being 'pranked' by a radio show but not everyone is the same, everyone has a different breaking point. Take internet trolling for instance. It doesn't bother me in the slightest because to me its just words on a screen but others find being trolled a real problem. Mrs Saldanha was humiliated globally by two Australian dimwits and the strain must have been immense, resulting in the tragic consequences.
The thing I don't understand is why prank calls are considered comical in the first place? Seems a very low form of comedy which doesn't need an awful lot of creativity. The type of stunt bored teenagers would do during breaks of Call Of Duty. Cheap humour aimed at those in even cheaper seats.
As for the DJs themselves, well the less said about them the better I feel. Especially when they turned their public apology into a sickening display of "we are victims too, sob". (I can feel anger pricking my skin again.) Victims? No. Halfwits? Definately and I hope their careers in radio are finished for good and we never see or hear from them again. It is supposed to be the season of good will toward all but Dai Jakes is all out in regards to these two. And now i'll sign off to calm down again. Cheerio!

Sunday 2 December 2012

Sticky Wicked

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"Would you like a game with those stickers Sir?"

I don't care what other videogamers say, I like Game. Heck if it wasn't for this store all my games would have to be purchased online because aside from a crappy little Cash Converters, there are no other dedicated videogame shops where I live. There isn't even a HMV type place where I could go. Sure there are Tesco and Morrisons supermarkets but the choice in those places is limited to chart stuff and shovelware. (Plus you get served by an automaton who wouldn't have a clue what Shenmue was if you hit him on the noggin with a copy.) Sure we have charity shops which are great for finding the odd retro classic but more often than not its another bloody FIFA we discover. (Charity stores in cities may be different I wouldn't know, im blessed to not live in one.)
One thing which does grind my gears though are Game's penchant for covering their game cases with pesky stickers. The photo above shows the latest lot I had from just two games after a recent visit to my local store. Now I am not an unreasonable guy and realise this isn't down to the lads and lasses working on the 'front line' as it were, but why so trigger happy with that sticker gun? Of course Game have to make clear the deals they have on offer but I can't help thinking it overkill. Do we really need to have stickers slapped on the disc itself? Not only that but there are also stickers to be found on the instruction manual which to my thinking is rather puzzling. Not to mention extremely annoying, especially if like myself you happen to be a collector who tries to have my videogames in as pristine condition as possible when displayed on the shelves. (Sega Dreamcast jewel cases make this ambition very hard, what with having been made from plastic that seemingly cracks when you look at it but thats another story.) First thing I do when I get home is spend ten minutes carefully removing the darned things, all the while taking great care not to tear the manual or worse still leave a sticky residue on the clear sleeve.
I realise that in the great scheme of Life, this is something of a triviality and that worse things happen at sea, but in the scheme of a near obsessive videogames colletor its very annoying. And like I say, im not having a pop at anyone, its just something I needed to blog off my chest.

My latest sticky affair
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Saturday 24 November 2012

Larry Hagman Tribute

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Iconic

Larry Hagman has passed away aged 81 following complications with throat cancer. And I am gutted, proper bold letter gutted. You see, Dallas in the 1980s holds some cherished memories because it was the only television show my late mother ever watched, and those sunday evenings huddled around the telly at 8pm with Maltezers and pork scratchings are seared into my mind, a perfect picture of happy times. All I have to do to be transported there is hear the shows instantly recognisable, bombastic theme music. Dallas is one of the keys to Dai Jakes' youth.
And J.R. Ewing is without doubt THE greatest television character ever created. For me, nobody else comes close. (In fact id go as far to day that today it feels like ive lost an uncle.) Sure he was the big baddie but he was my hero as a boy, much more than any footballer could be. He was an inspiration to 'get ahead' in the world and win by guile.
J.R. Ewing was a schemer, a liar, a devil in a cowboy hat. And I loved him. I doubt im the only one either. His snake like charisma and drama almost dripped from the screen when he was on and not only that, he always got the best looking women too! Im just sad that I can only write about the character that Larry Hagman created because I never met the man himself. But from what ive read from those who did know Mr Hagman he seemed as wonderful in real life in the same way as he was wonderful being bad in Dallas if you get my drift.
The word 'Legend' is tossed around at everyone these days from talentless reality tv 'stars' to one hit wonder karoke singers. They are not legends, not even close.

Larry Hagman was a Legend. A legend x100.
And today another part of my childhood dies with the great man. Rest In Peace Larry and J.R. And diloch (thank you) for everything XX

Monday 19 November 2012

Peta vs HollyBored

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Pity mun!

PETA have said it's planning to stage protests at various Hobbit premieres around the world after ponies, goats, sheep and chickens died making the film.
Now I don't wish to sound cold here, and we have a duty to care for animals, but will people really be upset/angry or even bothered over this news? Afterall we are a meat loving species whatever spin the vegans put on it and millions of chickens are killed every day for those beloved KFC Bargain buckets. Plus I suspect the lines at the cinema for the Hobbit will still be extremely healthy. Sure there will the initial huffing and shouts of "this is an outrage!" But folk will setle down once the headlines are cold.
Hollywood have it all figured out. And so has Mr Jakes. This is how it works ~ Hollywood doesnt give a sh*t about you not giving a sh*t. Its a sad full stop but its true nonetheless. There was no pleasure in pointing this unhappy fact out, and as I look out to a dark and rainy evening, it isn't hard to imagine demons out there at work. (Bit of 'artistic dramatics' to end this post with.)

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Refuge Of The Question Marks

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Yes sir, those are REAL crickets

So it has arrived on our screens once again like a persistant boil but with added gloop. Yep the dreadful "Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" is back courtesy of ITV. Gee thanks guys! I feel all warm inside like Christmas. (Or something like that.) Now I know people still watch it because Twitter and Facebook tell me so, but like many other reality television progs I am still at an utter loss as to WHY they tune in? Is it because we (or rather you) like to watch some bottom of the barrel 'celebrity' eat raccoon balls in order to try and salvage a thread of a flagging (see: dead) career? Or is it to ogle juicy but vacant young women in bikinis? Or do you simply like like jungles?
It may be all three of those of course but Dai Jakes has started to think its because everyone has gotten bored. Numbed from 24 hour entertainment, we (or you) are content to sink into the bubble gum sofa and watch while some has-been (who was never that popualr even in their hey day) swims through sh*t and munches on beetle heads. Come on now admit it, its not very good is it? If you want to see folk doing dumb things just surf on over to Youtube and voila! (Heck even the Official Dai Jakes channel has me eating insects on it from Manor House nr Tenby. See above pic.)
It will always suprise me how successful reality telly has been, I mean its not even remotely exciting. (But like I said people are numbed by it all.) I watched a few 'episodes' of "Im A Celebrity" when it first started (around 2004?) and within ten minutes was struck down by boredom and gave it two series at best. Quite clearly I underestimated my fellow mans appetite for garbage, or how potent the negative effects of television are. At this point im convinced folk would watch grass grow if it was endorsed by a Z List bimbo. You think I exaggerate? Then explain to me why they are tuning in via the internet and extra channels just to watch these airheads sleep? I couldn't believe it when I was informed of this so I went to see for myself and there it was! Night cameras focusing on slumbering frames and flying gnats. Unbelievable! Im telling you right here, right now that "Grass Grow TV" is coming to a screen near you in the not so distant future.

You read it here first folks. Now if you'll excuse me, im off to count the pages of a telephone directory.

Friday 9 November 2012

Christmas vs Thanksgiving

This is not really a holiday versus holiday rant but more an idea I had earlier this morning. All over Twitter and Facebook folk are getting excited about Christmas, and with only 46 days to go until the jolly man in red digs out his beard, its understandable. Afterall the majority of us love the silly season. But hold your reindeers! What about Thanksgiving? Mr Jakes began celebrating this in 2007 (mainly because I didn't want to let the Americans have all the fun), and you know what? Its been a roaring success, my family have had a wonderful time every year since.
Yes its mainly an American tradition but spending time with family whilst feasting and giving thanks for the wonderful bounty life hands us shouldn't necessarily be exclusive to our friends across the pond. Also think about this for a second: isn't a tad silly for Atheists and 'lapsed Christians' to celebrate Christmas? "Yay! Its a guy I don't believe in (supposed) birthday, lets eat a turkey and get sick on Sherry!" No offence dear readers but I find that to be plain weird.
But there is a way to not miss out on the festivities and look less shall we say 'confused'. You know whats coming right? Yup,swap Yuletide for Thanksgiving! This way you can still enjoy giving gifts and roasting birds (and getting sick on Sherry) without all that Nativity and church nonsense (nonsense to non believers of course.)
I dont know about you but it makes a great deal of sense to me. So see you all on November 22nd then, bring on the turkey! Toodle Pip for now!


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Not a fake tree in sight

Wednesday 7 November 2012

iVote

votesmaller

Barack Obama has won a second term in the White House, congrats Mr President.
I only wish that Britons would be as excited about voting on our own shores as they were about the US election. Our youth especially rarely vote, certainly not in any significant numbers but in America to not vote is unthinkable. People all over wear badges that proudly claim “I voted”.
We need to be like that and get everyone to be more enthusiastic about voting and politics, afterall they will affect each of our lives in some way or other so we should care, even if just a tiny bit.
So how is it that the Obama/Romney circus managed to capture the imaginations of many in the UK (if Twitter was any judge) but folks are instantly bored with Prime Minister Cameron and co? I'll tell you in one word: razzamataz. When it comes to elections, America has it in spades while in Britain its sorely lacking, even sterile compared to the glitz and 'showmanship' we see in the United States. We are the best at pomp, ceremony and Royal pageants but dead in the water when it comes to stuffy old politics. Sure Big Ben and Houses of Parliment are iconic landmarks and stand tall as historic buildings but most of us couldn't care less what goes on inside.
It needs to change because as the world witnessed last night, this election buisness can be quite exciting if packaged right.

Saturday 3 November 2012

Old Mullet Kissing Grey Harbour Walls

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Burry Port, west dock

Returning to ones home town after many years abscence, and having very little to do with the place inbetween, is a very strange experience. One that was heaped upon myself yesterday when I decided to visit my late mothers grave.
I was born and raised in Burry Port, a tiny fishing village in West Wales, where everyone lives inside each others pockets, feeding off gossip like starved pigeons. The only Gods honest real smiles found there are on Friday and Saturday evenings, when the entire town it seems congregate in its many pubs to wash away the weeks misery and woes with lager tops and bacardi.
It was a wonderful place to grow up, sandwiched between a rough sobering coast with three sleepy harbours and pea green hills which serve as a dominating background to houses, chapels and parks.
There were many places to keep a young boy entertained; the Furnace fields with its waist high ferns, newt filled ponds and narrow lanes formed by vicious brambles. The old tramline, a path which started near the park and took its walkers on a honeysuckle scented stroll alongside a bubbling river to the foot of the towns protective hills. There were the ash pit ponds along the coast, formed by waste from a power station, eerie like the surface of the moon, white grey and pitted. Home to herons and weasels, with a little cove perfect for pirate boys in summer holidays.
There were a hundred distractions and I knew them all. I knew every rope swing whipping over nasty nettles, every ramshackled den, even the underground mine shafts I was not a stranger too. The very air, a mixture of sea, oil and earth, was comfort and thrilled my lungs.
But I had moved many years ago, and although Ive always wanted to go back, I never really had good reason to other than to attend the funeral of my mother, and it was her who took me back yesterday. Good mothers always bring their sons home.
It never occurred to me how different it would feel, how cold a town it had become to me since I last stumbled with earnest along its fine roads. The second I stepped out of the car and looked toward the old iron footbridge which crosses the railway track, and leads to the main street and its short parade of shops, I felt a stranger to it all. An outsider.
As I crossed the fabled bridge, (which had been a regular hangout in my teenage years) I was met with a familiar sight: Stepney road, which runs almost straight through the town, and pubs spill out into chip shops on the opposite side. The heart of the place, busy but not so loud as you could not sleep if needed.
I had stood on part of this bridge, many many times in years long past, like a hungover buzzard watching locals and buses run around in sun and rain. The bridge had been a stage to many pranks and episodes, many alcohol fuelled, others stirred by mischievious youth.
And now as I descended the steps I felt completely out of touch. I looked around at the old Smartiland sweet shop, and the street 'corner' where gangs of locals would congregate after a night swilling in the Hope & Anchor and other taverns, and nothing stirred in me. The feeling of this town being home had entirely disappeared.
I was no longer a 'local', I knew nothing of the gossip or petty scandal that was currently brewing as they do in small communities. Indeed if it were not for my distinctive West Walian accent I could almost have passed for a tourist, visiting from the Shoreline caravan park half a mile away.
I rolled back the years in my mind, to a time where I could have gone into any pub, shop or chip shop and been welcomed by warm smiles on instantly reconisable faces. People knew me, I knew them and everyone local shared everything.
Not anymore I thought as I made my way along Station road toward the Co-op supermarket, my one time daily port for beer. Nothing but groceries would be available now, and only pints at the bar would be offererd. Enquiries into health or discussions on town developments would be off limits, for even though I was, (and still am) a 'Burry Portian', I had a different address outside of the fold.
In the car park I looked around a final time and for a minute everything came alive again; lunchtime drinkers in the old Carbay club, teenagers diving off harbour walls and the black redundant crane, Carmarthen Bay power station, that mighty red bricked building with its three giant smoke stacks reaching to the clouds and July carnivals always with its fairy queens and fisticuffs.
Its all there in my heart and these memories will never leave me, however much I leave its tiny shore. Porth Tywyn yn fy enaid.

Tuesday 30 October 2012

The Despicable SaVile

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Fixer of fiends

Look at his face up there, mocking us from beyond the grave with those long bird-like features and hollow eyes like two black onyx of vileness. (Or in other pictures his eyes a hellish glow, brought to life by red tinted glasses.) SaVile the Despicable, the Despicable SaVile. Now that the truth is seeping out from the sewer of entertainment, this creep has been exposed for the foul specimen he really was. A modern day bogeyman who belongs in a pit of evil where unimaginable beasts roam, leaving their souls at the door.
Police are currently investigating 300 offenses against children by this ManVulture and I wouldnt be suprised if there were many many more. (There are investigations being made over others too but this post is only about the Despicable SaVile.) To me, with his white straight edged hair, he looked like a nasty wraith with dead skin, a sinister creature to be avoided at all costs. Although a more accurate comparison would be to Baba Yaga the cruel hag of Slavic folklore who kidnaps and eats children, and has a hut that stands on chicken legs. Both were loners (their disgusting habits forced solitude) whose carcass bodies were topped with white straw hair and of course both preyed on innocent children. But while the Despicable SaVile owned no shack built on chicken legs (however much his ghoulish appearance indicated he could have), he did have a lonely cottage stuck in the wilds of Scotland which would have made the perfect lair for this heartless predator. Baba Yaga loved to feast on young, pearly flesh and the Despicable SaVile hinted he would have liked to as well, just take a peek at the photo below and the quote on his tee shirt. A quote by the ogre himself. Yes my dear readers, these two hellions were two rotten peas in a pod.
He may be one year dead now but I get the feeling the monster is with us still and not just grinning eerily from pages of tabloid newspapers either. A thing so foul is hard to die and should you find yourself walking alone at night through dark skeletal woods or on thick, foggy hills have a care! The Despicable SaVile might be close with dread fingers and cigar stained fangs ready to pounce and take you as another victim. The chains of death will struggle to contain a thing so evil, a thing so SaVile. The wicked Gein of our time, a terrible Krueger-like celebrity, clad in tacky gold, disguising his perverted lusts by offering a hand to charities.


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Fear the creature

Yes let us never forget that charity was badly hurt and decieved by this skinny shard of darkness. A true scholar of the devil, able to hoodwink unsuspecting good causes (including hospitals and childrens homes) in order to gain access to the most vulnerable in society. Hideous bastard, may he now rest in agony under the rocky wing of hell. No sympathy should ever meet his fallen soul, and as his tombstone lies in broken pieces in a forgotten landfill so should our memories of him.
Indeed it is cast iron certainty that the memory of the Despicable SaVile is in ruins (understatement of the year) and he will and should be remembered only with revulsion and hate.
Rightly so. The man was an abomination and however much good he may have done for charities up and down the country can never excuse him of his sick crimes. Why should it? The feeding of a hungry kitten with my left hand will not undo the pain I inflict by strangling another cat with my right. There exists no savings bank to collect good deeds in order to be able to 'spend' them on doing bad.
The Despicable Savile was a ghoul and it is obvious now that any good he did was not done out of the goodness of his soul but rather driven by an insatiable need to do bad. This is what the unspeakable do.
There are other even more disturbing tales attached to this man but because they wander into the realms of necrophilia and this is a family blog (as newspapers are fond of saying) we will not be mentioning those. Suffice to say they only seal SaVile's reputation as a perfect monster, the stuff of nightmare.
So there you have it. The 1970/80s: a golden age of television, a time incidentally I grew up with, now forever tarnished with stories of perverted deeds by the rotten Despicable SaVile.

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Legacy of hate


Saturday 27 October 2012

The Facebook Caper

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Web advice: Never tell Facebook anything you don’t want the whole Web (and world) to know about you.

Yup sage advice indeed and pretty obvious too. Besides from my work and other serious things like private messages, the other more outlandish stuff I post on Facebook should be taken with a mighty pinch of salt. Especially after 6pm on a drinking night. That is when my naughty twin comes out to play *wink* I think most people know when im stepping into the world of fantasy but just to be clear: my poetry, views, philosphies (and sadly the alcohol) bits are all very much my real world. Nothing but honesty there. The panda eating and prison stories are most certainly not. I would eat dog but not panda, and I dont have a criminal record of any kind.
Why do it? Well simply because I love the absurd. It entertains me on the grainy alcohol evenings when my mind is awash with wild stories. I don't see it as 'trolling' at all, its more a new form of entertainment and it works too because one friend has told me I was "better than te;evision". I just dont see the point in telling the world what books im reading, or songs im listening too. Id rather create a kind of Batman & Robin episode where adventure and escapism is the order of the day. It keeps my Facebook wall very interesting and no harm is ever meant. (I would never dream of calling someone out personally anyway, I wasn't brought up that way.)
I do have some wild stories which are true. For instance I have climbed a 100ft quarry face with no equipment, explored underground mines and I have come very close to death due to alcohol and other vices but by and large I am a quiet man just getting through this life with as little fuss as possible. Ciao for now X

Tuesday 23 October 2012

To The Sword

Welsh poet/writer Steven Francis speaks candidly about his late mothers final years and the destruction alcoholism brings to families, and how it changes the alcoholic beyond all recognition, until almost all of their true soul is replaced by something which is total opposite of the persons nature. In the poets own words: "I called this video 'To The Sword' because I needed to do just that, get this terribly sad part of my life out and talk about it to perhaps see if talking about it brings a semblence of logic to the mad world of addiction. Im a pretty heavy drinker myself and understand how the cloak of alcohol can turn people into totally different characters but to see Mum go from a sweet, caring, loving lady to this cruel, spiteful ogre of a woman was proof just how far booze can rot a persons mind, body and soul. And alcohol is cunning in many ways because like I say in the video, its even made a little bit of me thankful it turned her bad so that I can deal with losing her. Crazy. So enjoy that drink but always remember, sometimes the path that seems all harmony and honey is actually the trick of the devil and is a very bitter road."


Dai Goes Gangnam Style


Im getting too old for this

Rapper Psy has seemingly taken the world by storm with his song Gangnam Style. Excuse me but have I missed something here? Or has the world forgotten to take its pills and gone doolaly mad? Now it might be my age (41 is sooo ancient you see) but I find nothing entertaining about this video whatsoever. Its simply ridiculous. Ive tried watching it and 'getting it' but after a minute I have to turn it off because if I don't I fear my nerves will abandon me completely.
Remember the Crazy Frog back in 2003? I thought that was irritating but goodness me, id willingly adopt the amphibian over Psy and his musical antics. Its like the audio version of waterboarding. I wonder if musicians (and I use the term loosely here, no offense Psy) deliberately set out to write an annoying song? Or is it purely accidental? Questions need to be answered. Perhaps he had the tune rattling around his brain and instead of getting rid of it by putting some Tom Jones on, Psy decided it would be a better idea to infect the entire globe with it. (And make a nice few quid while he was ay it.)
Now obviously I wish the man no ill, and congratulations on the songs success but next time if you get one of these pesky 'ear bugs', please for the love of Stradey Park keep it to yourself!

Friday 19 October 2012

From Cymru to Facebook and Dallas

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Cymru Am Byth

Quick foreword: this is going to be one of those scatty blog posts which hop from one subject to another like im juggling hot spuds. The mouth and tail and a meeting someplace inbetween.


Facebook. Most of the time its full of self indulgent status 'headlines' and " 'Like' This If You Love Granny " type garbage. Basically it is what you should expect from a website where the majority have nothing to say. Ever. Thankfully not everyone is a self absorbed twit and this is where the site becomes an extremely useful tool. Social media is frighteningly efficient at getting messages across to the masses and because its done in a fun way (as opposed to seemingly lecture, people hate that), the message sinks in.
Of course it doesn't have to be earth shattering news worthy of Moses. It can be a simple statement spread amongst friends, bringing them closer together. You might be already be aware of it but it doesn't harm to pass it along via Facebook/Twitter. Take the 'card' above that I spotted on a friends page for instance. How glad it made me feel! Sure all my friends already knew Welsh was my first language and that as an old Strade schoolboy (Welsh language comprehensive school in west Wales), Welsh is my mother tongue but having things like this pop up at random always feels good. "Dwi'n Siarad Cymraeg ac yn falch o hynny" Translation: I speak Welsh and am glad of that. And yes by all that is Cawl and Ray Gravelle, I am glad I speak it and God help us if this ancient, beautiful language ever dies.
Dai Jakes is actually teaching a few American friends some Cymraeg (Welsh) via Facebook. Oh aye, its a little wish of mine to be able to claim I took some diolch's and da iawn's to the streets of Texas and California. Mr Jakes the pioneer taking the gospels of Burry Port and Carmarthen to the busy sidewalks of Houston and Dallas bars! And I was all set to get my pinny out too but Ann Romney has already spread the Welshcake love so America has been spared the Dai's Youtube Welshcake Extravaganza (be grateful for that at least.)
Duw all this from Facebook? Where will end mun?

Thursday 18 October 2012

Legacy of Hate

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Evil unmasked

Suspected of being a serial paedophile over many decades. Police investigate over 60 alleged incidents. Abusing young hospital patients. His headstone removed, smashed up and tossed into a rubbish skip. And today we learn that the Royal Marines have erased all traces him from their commando base. It seems a cast iron certainty that the memory of The Despicable Savile is tarnished forever (understatement of the year) and will be one remembered only with revulsion and hate.
And rightly so. The man was an abomination and however much good he may have done for charities up and down the country can never excuse him of his sick crimes. Why should it? The feeding of a hungry kitten with my left hand will not undo the pain I inflict by strangling another cat with my right. There exists no savings bank to collect good deeds in order to be able to 'spend' them on doing bad.
The Despicable Savile was an evil man and it is obvious now that any good he did was not done out of the goodness of his soul but rather driven by an insatiable need to do bad. I am not generally fond of labelling human beings as 'monsters' but the Despicable Savile's behaviour was terribly depraved and therefore monstrous. Quite astounding how he was able to get away with it for so long. Six decades? Its looking very likely. (I won't go into those who were duped by him or maybe even covered for him, i'll leave that for the tabloids.)
If you want an example as to just how far the Despicable Savile has plummeted from Saint to Sinner in my eyes (to be honest he was never much of a saint, more oddball) then do a quick Google of the name of the man I know associate him with: Gilles de Rais. Of course the Despicable Savile did not murder hundreds of children like De Rais was accused of doing but he sure as hell was the killer of a lot of innocence and trust. As the disturbing stories mounted against this beastly individual (fuelled further by accusations of an even darker nature) I immediately found myself thinking of Gilles de Rais. They even have the same sinister straight edged hairstyles.
History does not condemn a man for hairstyles thankfully but it does condemn actions and the Despicable Savile's were of the lowest, vilest order and long may the erasing of his memory continue.

The end complete
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Monday 15 October 2012

Felix's Space Jump

The whole world must have watched Felix Baumgartner skydive from the edge of space yesterday evening. You read that right: a skydive
FROM THE EDGE OF SPACE.
As around 10 million huddled around a groaning YouTube and millions more tuned in via the more traditional television, an extremely brave Austrian was using a parachute to fall FROM THE EDGE OF FLIPPING SPACE! (And yes only capital letters will do it justice.) It simply does not get more awesome than this and when the door of Felix's capsule opened to reveal the earth below, I felt as giddy as a widow. When he stood ready to plummet my heart fairly felt like it was about to burst from my chest. God only knows what Felix's heart must have been doing.
This was daredevil'ing and extreme sport done to the absolute ETREME (yup there's those capitals again.)
Of course certain parts of the Internet were quiet but their silence spoke volumes, mainly about their envy but let's not dwell on those fools.
Well done Felix and congrats on having nerves forged from the finest steel. I usually find anything to do with space, dreadfully dull (oceans interest me more I'm afraid) but this plucky Austrian even managed to get me on the edge of my seat while he was on the (yes it's coming again) EDGE IF RUDDY SPACE! Amazing. Chalk another one for the history books. Da iawn.

Monday 8 October 2012

Stay Humble Folks

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A glass of smoke please batman


We read today that an 18 year old girl has had to have her stomach removed after drinking 'Nitro Jagermeister', which is basically a cocktail laced with liquid nitrogen. Now im a big fan of Jagermeister but nitrogen? I'll pass dioch yn fawr.*
Why on earth are 18 year old girls drinking liquid nitrogen? Though I suspect I know the answer: the thirst not for alcohol but for attention. Yup there it is in bold letters. Attention loves to be seen and be bold, and these drinks are purely for the attention seeker. Now there is nothing really wrong with wanting a bit of attention but one has to take care because occasionaly, as this story proves, seeking out a bit of the spotlight can end up being rather bad for ones health. And at times is downright fatal. (Just do a little Googling and you'll find hundreds of stories.)
When Dai Jakes was 18 (back in 1864), it was all so different. In those days we used to be happy sitting in Ye Olde Cornishe Arms with a pint of Felinfoel and a Woodbine cigarette. And the lads used to chase girls with curves. It was a grand time.
Now we're seeing teenagers knocking back nitrogen and because they are pencil thin their puny bodies cant handle it and they flake out.
Seriously go back to the humble old pint. Its better for a longer life, and probably better tasting too.

*Diloch yn fawr is Welsh for 'thank you very much'.

Thursday 4 October 2012

Don't Sleep

Don't sleep cariad fach,
the goodgly sons and daughters
are racing to your whispers
even when darkness grips
the cold shard of night.
Yn disgwyl arno ti.

Do not sleep dear Wales,
fall not to despair and anger
and lift the light of Hope
to find our babe,
lead her home to Mami.
Peidiwch cysgy blodyn
mae pawb yn dod...

FOR APRIL JONES

© Steven Francis poems 2012

Monday 1 October 2012

The Miracle in Medinah

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For Seve

The Miracle in Medinah is how many described it. Last night the European team beat the Americans on their own turf 14½ to 13½ to retain the Ryder Cup in Chicago. And im happy to say Dai Jakes was one of the millions who witnessed it. It was glorious! A brilliant sporting comeback after looking like we were doomed to lose after friday and saturday. Team USA had it in the bag, or so they thought. They reckoned without the gutsy Europeans and their determination to win for the memory of one of golfing's greats, Seve Ballesteros. No doubt the man himself was looking down and giving one of his famous air punches as the Cup was lifted. Oh there was no joy in USAville.
Of course many will say, "miracle? Its only a sport!" They are wrong. Yes on the surface it was men holding metal rods and using them to whack balls into holes, but beneath that there was spirit and everyone who watched the Miracle in Medinah saw it at work. Mr Jakes is usually not one for 'acts of God' or divine dealings but I certainly felt something after Martin Kaymer holed the putt that gave us victory. (And it wasn't from the precious ginger liquid in my glass.) It was thrilling and I knew, I just knew that late American golfer Payne Stewart was congratulating Seve and the Spaniard was flashing a wolfish grin. I will have my doubters, the disbelieving naysayers not willing to believe a mere sport can have such an effect but I will not be swayed. For the last few days ive had a grey cloud hovering over me, there has been no reason for it, im happy enough in life, but it was there nevertheless. A kind of 'dent' if you will, on the bonnet of my usually sunny soul.
And then it was gone. Healed by the Miracle of Medinah. Amen!

Friday 28 September 2012

Dear Rest of the World

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More Bony Bum than Boney M

MTV have a new reality television show (haven't we got enough of these by now?) called 'The Valleys', and it is supposed to show real life here in Wales. Being a proud Welshman I felt it my duty to defend my beautiful country. Please world, don't be fooled! This show might be an accurate depiction of a friday and saturday night in the cities (and thats any UK city not just Wales) where trampy, self indulgent women and vain men wallow in fake tan and kebab grease, but its certainly not a true reflection on the rest of this country. And to think that even if a single person outside Wales believes The Valleys is typical of all Welshmen and women is extremely depressing.
Real reality check ~ most decent Welshies are embarrassed over this show and are weeping into our cawls that we are being portrayed as crass, lewd thickos who do nothing but dream of fame and fortune all day. One of the shows bimbos even admits that her boyfriend keeps her, while she searches for her slice of the celebrity pie. Another said, “it’s not for old people, for nannas and stuff. If you’ve got a bum like me, let me tell you it’s banging, so get it out.” Dear me, put the bony looking thing away love and where is the OFF button?
This NOT Wales. This is not real Wales. This a snapshot of the deluded minds of teenagers throughout Britain (and probably the rest of the world.) Watch it by all means, but watch it as it should be watched, like a piece of silly entertainment and not as a real glimpse of Welsh life. Think of it more The Hills Have Eyes than The Valleys.

Tuesday 25 September 2012

Brand vs Value, Round 6

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Now theres fancy!

Tesco ditch basic range after admitting shoppers are 'too embarrassed' to buy the blue and white striped products", so sayeth the Daily Mail (four months after everybody else mind you.)
Dai Jakes is going to be a tad extreme here to make a point (the point being that hardly anyone cares who buys what. I might go off on one so thought I had better be clear from the start.)
Why dont the supermarkets just have 'Skint' and 'Not So Skint' aisles? Afterall its what they are doing anyway with these value packages, its just less noticable. Im not being funny (or trolling) here, im genuinely being erm....genuine. People appreciate honesty. Be honest with yourselves, if you see someone pick up a cheap pizza or something, you do think they are struggling. And theres no shame in that, a lot of people are these days. Nobody thinks any less of people who buy the cheaper stuff.
In fact its brand snobs who are thought of with disdain when some are buying them purely because they think its better and some things are not. (Mr Jakes used to be one of them.) I admit that the value meat like sausages can be foul and I wouldn't feed it to a dog but the tinned stuff can be good. Im speaking from experience here because as readers of my other (food) blog will know, I have had 'face offs' between the brands and budget types and quite a few times cheapest came off the clear winner. Soup is a good exaapmle. Some of the pricier soups are like drinking a mug of salt while the budget labels don't pack so much of a sodium punch.
So I dont see a problem with having cheap and pricey aisles because like I say most folks don't think less of others who are putting the budget brands in their shopping trolley. And those that do are fools. (God only knows what they think of me when they see me buying both branded and value groceries when I do my foody based 'face offs'. Laughs Out Loud.)


Friday 21 September 2012

Chief Whip? Or Chief Pleb?

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the Good Ship Tory

A Conservative Chief Whip shouts this to police on Downing Street ~ “Best you learn your f**king place. You don’t run this f**king government. You're f**king plebs."
This foul, arrogant volley by Andrew Mitchell comes days after two policewomen were shot dead. Yep nice one Thrasher (the odious oiks nickname), thats done wonders to dispel the accusations that its clueless toffs in government hasn't it? I bet Cameron was thrilled when he heard about this. Really thrilled. Heh.
Talk about an over inflated sense of entitlement. It seems that with each new day the Tories are either doing U Turns or shooting their tootsies off (ruining their poncey loafers.) Do thy really believe they will hold on to power come 2015 when most of the population sees them as smug, rich and living in another world? Not a chance. (And Labour are not much better.)
Dai Jakes is a big fan of Twitter and liked what Gareth Morgan, assistant chief constable of West Mercia Police Tweeted: "Seem to recall from my school days (good comp) that Roman Empire collapsed without plebians when patricians were left in charge." Quite. Let us hope this pathetic little outburst against police officers who on the whole do a damn fine job, is what starts the Tory collapse. (Although in truth it started before this story broke.)

Sunday 16 September 2012

Gleision Colliery: A Poem

As prayers are being said all over Wales for the four miners who died at Gleision Colliery, I publish my poem again in their honour.

Dim Haul Dros Gleision (No Sun Over Gleision)

There was no sun that day
when four miners lights went out for good;
the cave mouth stretched into an endless hymn
as hawks and kinder birds carved the sky
to guide spirits to their rest.
Heroes of an unforgiving underworld,
the earthly tomb,
kingdom of the black.
While I and all of Wales tipped hands to God
four blinded roots were pulled
and the red dragon's one lifted claw
was raised a little higher in honour of the men.
Gartref bois! Home!
From the eyeless santuary of the pit
to the Valleys call,
our father's land
where you will have the symphony of a nation's hearts
to sing you to your rest,

A bydd yr haul ddim farw nawr...
(and the sun won't die now)

© Steven Francis poems 2011

Saturday 15 September 2012

The Car Boot Heist



Retro gaming. Im a big fan. Huuuuuge. I collect videogames for older consoles like Sega Dreamcast and more importantly I play them and have done since I got my first home computer in 1983. And a big part of collecting retro games is tracking down those must have elusive titles. Yes you can go the eBay route but for me, wandering around a car boot (flea market) or charity shop and finding the title ive spent months (even years) chasing gives me a buzz. You can't beat discovering a title like Tombi or Shenmue 'in the wild' (that is not on auction sites.) But it would seem my hobby is getting popular, and as with everything that gets into the mainstream, sooner or later it gets the soul ripped out from it. Dodgy market traders with no love for gaming, out to make a quick few pounds by trying to snap up every title they can find in order to charge way over the odds. the trouble is (and its sadly spreading quickly) is that some people now believe every title is worth hundreds and they try charging stupid prices at car boots/flea markets for even average titles. I tried explaining this to a woman on sunday that just because Luigi's Mansion is worth around £15, doesnt mean the original Halo is worth the same. She lost what would have been a good sale from me through being greedy. A lot of the time spent cruising car boot sales these days is wasted by foolish sellers flogging average games for way over a fair price. "Every games a rare, classic gem!" They say. Only they are not. Seeing something like Tekken 2 be offered for £10 is quite frankly a joke. Yes its a brilliant game, yes fighting fans should own it but £10? Too much my man, too much. Of course convincing the seller they are flogging a game for too much is like nailing jelly to a ceiling and so it must go that they miss out on a sale.
Look im a fair guy, if I see a hard-to-find title reaching into double figures then im more than happy to stump up the cash, and will merrily skip away with a big, fat contented smile pasted onto my mug. But A Bug's Life for £20? No dice, no, no, no. I sincerely hope some traders read this and adjust their prices accordingly because at least then, they would actually make some money, gamers would get a decent deal and everone would be happy. As it is now though thats all that is happening is sellers make nothing because of their foolish greed and gamers go home without a clutch of goodies.

Friday 14 September 2012

The Royal 'Pair'

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Ooh La La le Katie

A French magazine has published photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge topless and of course Buckingham Palace are most upset over it. The pics were taken on private land so I can understand their anger, (or "sadness" as media have reported them as being.)
However private or not (hasn't the Duchess heard of telescopic lenses?), you can just imagine the tabloids in Britain chomping at the bit to be first to release the images. They say they have scruples but they dont, not really. Editors are most likely foaming at the mouth as I type, and not out of anger.
Indeed a popular blog in the UK is trying to beat the red tops to it and is already asking its followers whether they should publish the pics.
Allow Mr Jakes to run wild here a second. I believe they should publish them. A topless image of the future Queen would very '21st century' (on a £50 note perhaps?) and give the Royals an even bigger boost making them more popular than they've ever been, especially amongst men. Are we really so offended by breasts? We've had Page 3 for years and managed not to implode from deviancy so far.
Of course I realise im stepping into the realm of sexist, lad's mag reading pig but its not as if Closer magazine have published a Paris Hilton type sex tape is it? Its just a Royal pair, poker has it, why cant we?
And as a mark of the age we live in, these photographs will help the couple get more popular than ever. Look at brother in law Harry, his popularity has gone through the roof since his naked pics in Las Vegas were released. Its a faux outrage among our red tops in any case because a British paper will more than likely publish them in the next few days because "they can be seen elsewhere anyway so whats the harm?"
Of course its not nice when your privacy is intruded upon (and lets be clear, the couple were on private land) but surely with all that happened to Williams mother in the past, he has learned to take more care? Its nice to let it all hang out but when one is married to the future king of England, it pays to be certain there are no pesky lenses around.

Friday 7 September 2012

Again The Likes We Never See

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A great Briton

Charles Burgess Fry Born: April 25th, 1872 Died: September 7th, 1956
Even in his youth C.B was recogniesed as an all round exceptionally gifted person. A poster boy for the term 'clever clogs'. He excelled at a number of sports (seen above playing cricket) but not content with sport, C.B was also a brilliant teacher, politician, writer, editor and publisher. Like I said, clever clogs but a truly great Briton.
We'll never see the like of C.B. Fry again. The earth has moved, ambition shifted and all the people now are clowns. In our rush to step into the future, in our thirst to make evrything easier (mostly via internet, apps, Kindle, iTunes, etc), we have discarded real adventure and sold our soul to convenience.
It was all so different in Fry's time. You had to work and push both muscle and mind to a much greater level if you wanted to make an impact back then. Even hobbies required more spirit to pursue them. And it created character, a type on Man that could never exist today. Now its mostly copy and paste, and lily livered downloads. Convenient yes, but not very exciting.

Wednesday 5 September 2012

Carpet Walkers

Hi, im Sissy Screengrabber

 
Why do people insist on waiting outside arenas and such, just to watch celebrities walk on some silly red carpet and attend award shows like the recent GQ Awards? It seems so....pathetic to me, and not at all how supposed civilised, sentinet beings should behave. Go to any newspaper website with a GQ Award story (or watch live coverage of a film premier) and there you will see pictures of them, grinning mobs waving mobile phones around and screeching some famous persons name like they were the Messiah. I suspect if ever I met one of these nitwits in a pub, I would get a better conversation with Mr Screengrabber up there. He looks less sinister too.
In this celebrity obssessed age, I really should accept that this has become the 'norm' for such sad behaviour but I don't want to damn it! I refuse to believe (as much as I am able) that a race of beings who included Leonardo Da Vinci and William Shakespeare in their number, could be so excited and even smitten by the mere sight of somebody who happens to be in the public eye. "Yippee! Angelina Jolie just walked past!" Come on now people, this is not a big deal. Or even a small deal. Surely you have a better life (and mind) than this? Please say you do!
And as for the GQ Awards, Nancy Dell'Olio at 51 years of age made the rest of the women (half her age) look quite plain and 'plastic baggy'.   

Monday 3 September 2012

On Rolled the Mad Ball Sensing A Lens

We all knew a kid at school who could be counted on to do daft stunts for attention. The permenant classroom jester, ready to perform whenever he (it was usually always a boy) fancied a bit of ego massaging. Jump in a river fully clothed? Sure thing! Dance on the headmasters car? Can do! Hell if there was a guaranteed large audience, this 'crazy funster' could even be persuaded to eat live earthworms. How do I know? Because Dai Jakes was this boy! Usually the type of kid to be found sitting under a tree reading a book, or painting heavy metal bands logos on my books, if ever I felt the need for the cheers from my classmates, I would do anything. Well almost anything.
Fastforward twenty five years and with the advent of the internet, and more importantly Youtube, the stakes have been raised way higher than jolly japes in the classroom. And it isn't only attention hungry teenagers who are risking all (even their lives) for high ratings on their Youtube channel. Its going end in tears one day, thats if it already hasn't in cases we dont know of.
With so many video hosting websites, everyone can be a reality television 'star' today and by and large its a good thing. Travel videos saved for eternity online, the ability to share videos for far away relatives and friends to enjoy. I love it. But as with anything to do with the internet, it has a dark side. Especially when it comes to lounge room legends (legends in their own mind) and disciples of MTV's Jackass. From Russian teenagers risking their lives by messing around on 300ft rusty towers, French loonies doing pull ups from 200ft cranes (no safety gear at all) and now we can see the rise of the "who-can-eat-the-grossest-thing" videos (see below.) People almost whoring themselves out by willingly performing stupid stunts in an effort to be 'internet famous'. Its quite sad really. And the less said about those idiots drinking pints of whisky (probably cold tea) on camera the better. Like I said, its all going to end in tears. And a few mourners.

** VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED **

Thursday 30 August 2012

Metal Gear Solid the Movie

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Snake? Snake? SNAAAAKE !!

Lets kick things off with a quote from Mr Metal Gear Himself:
"Metal Gear Solid was developed specifically to become a game. ...If it were to be made into a movie it would have to be something completely new. I wouldn't use my current scripts. I think I'd have to get somebody to get a new script and somebody else to direct it as a movie."

-Hideo Kojima (March 17, 2012)

Now as a big fan of the Metal Gear Solid games (and after falling out of lve with cinema), I for one would be happy if there was never a movie made of the tactical espionage videogame. "Have you gone mad?" I hear some of you ask. Well no I haven't, at least not madder than usual *chuckles*
To my mind, Metal Gear Solid doesn't need a movie, it does very well standing alone as a game thank you very much. As every game fan knows, turning a popular game into a film is hardly ever a success. From Streetfighter and Kylie Minogue through to the very average (at best) Tomb Raider movie, games very rarely transfer well onto celliuloid. I will concede that the Resident Evil movies are brilliant fun but still, the games rock even more. The difference is huge and to go from 'being' the character in Hitman on Playstation, to then be reduced to mere 'watcher' in the cinema or on dvd can come as a shock, even be frustrating.
Gamers will each have their own different experiences from playing through sections of Metal Gear Solid, we will all have personal victories and defeats but movies are not able to do that. It felt immense to personally battle and eventually beat three Metal Gears in MGS: Sons Of Liberty, but watching some actor do it on a Netflix rent would be quite dull in comparison.
Alas im only another gamer fan and as much as I want the franchise left in this form, time and money will decide if Metal Gear Solid the Movie ever becomes a reality. But if Hideo is smart (and I believe he is), he should be very careful when it comes to making it. I will say this however; as loyal fans of MGS who have bought every game, we certainly deserve more than getting people like the awful Nicholas Cage and Lindsay Lohan involved. Please Kojima san, anything but those two. And this is part of the problem of course, everyone has a different idea on who should play Solid Snake. The character was based on Snake Plissken from John Carpenter's Escape from New York, so logically Kurt Russell would be ideal but Russell is getting on a bit these days and unless Metal Gear Solid the Movie is going to focus on the espionage antics of Pensioner Snake, this rules him out.
Jason Statham sounds about right but when I picture him in my minds eye, dressed in Snake's stealth gear, sneaking through a creaky air vent in an abandoned military site, he doesn't look right. Ditto Colin Farrell. And its not just Solid Snake to be considered, all characters in Metal Gear Solid have been larger than life, the series is famed for it. Liquid Snake, Otagon, Col. Roy Campbell, Meryl. Each of these roles would need filling by actors capable of making those big personalities shine, and I just cannot see a script or studio pulling it off with any success. You can see from The Expendables that having a load of big names on screen at the same time doesn't necessarily mean pure gold. And in Metal Gear Solid its the characters who are the big names and thats not your average big either. Think a brilliantly, colourful, bizarre, mad, over the top kind of big.
To sum up then; making a good Metal Gear Solid movie will need everything clicking into place like a jigsaw dipped in olive oil. This is a much loved franchise and whereas fans might excuse a shoddy Tomb Raider or average Hitman, we wont be so forgiving when it comes to Solid Snake and company. And lets face it, when you look at the jaw dropping trailer below of the new Metal Gear Solid game, well who needs film?


Stunning!

Friday 24 August 2012

Bass Ache FM

Okay everyone and their pet alien knows that I am a metalhead. (I suspect my brain is actually made of some kind of metal too, lead probably.) Ive been listening to heavy metal since 1980 and for me, nothing comes close to the raw power and imagery it produces. Country music is its closest genre (country musicians make those appalling 'gansta rappers' look like children), and although I do like country (NOT the Shania Twain type), it is to the devil horns my allegiance lies. Play it loud, play it plowed!
Anyway I was surfing my radio app on iPhone earlier and found a German station dedicated to 'hardcore trance bass' music. Intrigued (and tired of talk radio) I tuned in and gave it a listen for thirty minutes. Now Mr Jakes is not going to rubbish another style of music because quite frankly it never achieves anything (other than the complainer looking like a mouthy tool), but I will admit that this music is not for me. Perhaps I listened twenty minutes too long or something because I enjoyed the odd beat and rhythm here and there but could never suffer longer than say 10/15 minutes. It started to sound all the same and indeed I even came away with the conclusion that 'trance bass' is the sound of real insanity. This my friends is what lunacy sounds like. Have a listen for yourselves.

Tuesday 21 August 2012

Catching the Appletooth (Alcoholism)

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Last drink before rehab

Suffering is not word enough. It seems gentle in comparison. There is not a word for the destructive, evil pains which stem from the bottle.
The odour from popping a wine cork quickly fades.
I associated a bottle of alcohol with a vase of flowers, the flowers themselves being the intoxicating spray of bubbles that set me free (free from what I did not yet know as I was only sixteen when I gave myself that poisonous bouquet).
Never have I been so wrong! Flowers don't grow from the bottle, only thorns and getting caught in that thicket is an experience only alcoholics can describe.
When I took my first drink I was unaware of the addictive personality that stalked tiger-like in my system looking for a vulnerability which would bring me down. At sixteen I began the descent into a private hell.
There were parties, drinking with friends, summer holiday binges and teenage curiosity. Alcohol has always been a clever demon with an ace up its gothic sleeve. It can take on various guises, one only has to look at the supermarket shelves with the laced colas and grinning lemonades.
I lost my drinking (L)earner plates at twenty years and by the time I had reached twenty two I was thoroughly addicted to booze. Armed with a hard drinking reputation I could be seen being swallowed every morning by an off licence mouth.
I could not let go of the bottle, it might as well been glued to my lips and fuelled further by endless days of kissing the sun, my alcohol intake was increased and I went hand in hand with oblivion. Thinking that with an iron will I could control the drink but with every glass the iron is rusted and withers away to nothing.
For the first few years my body took the full assault; hangovers, trembling, vertigo, nose bleeds, anxiety, aches and shivers. These alone would have made a rational person quit but alcohol had become a medicine, a solution to life's problems and it was available anywhere. I was not capable of rational thought, I didn't even know if I was human anymore. Everything save alcohol and its beautifully grim hold seemed pointless.
The hangovers got worse and days would be spent bringing up bile and other rainbows of sickly colour. The cure was more booze and in my mind its magic knew no bounds. A three day hangover was instantly topped up with wines and spirits. I was deaf to my own liver screaming.
Days got longer with sleep only occurring between three and seven in the the morning but eventhough the days had lengthened the only things I knew I had done was open a bottle or tin, got drunk and annoyed sensible drinkers in public houses, or sober families in supermarkets.
I was young and standing on lifes crossroad and had already thrown two promising relationships to the wind.
When it had finished ravaging my body it turned on my mind and everything went upside down and fell to pieces. It is the way of poison, the only way the thorn can move is by severing and cutting.
I no longer had friends, pride or respect. There was not even a life outside the frantic, urgent drinking. I needed alcohol everywhere I went; in cars, out walking, in cinemas, at train stations, everywhere. If I was ever without a bottle I'd become soulless, unable to do anything sober.
Simple tasks became mammoth chores with being alcoholically spiked. I walked around in the shadow of 100% drunkeness, envious of care free people around me laughing and talking as they followed their lives. I could never lay my hands on a sane tongue.
Vodka; what a wretched word that is to me now.
The Smirnoff days tuned me into a fantasy world, I substituded real friends for television characters, turning them as real as I could without tripping entirely into the clutches of madness.
One or two episodes of a favourite programme made up a whole day in my life, desperately I clung to bizarre fiction. In hindsight I realise that I must have had one foot inside a breakdown of sorts but nothing else knocked at my door.
With vodka in my hand, supporting my body like a noble gentlemans cane, I hid from life, dreaming of rivers flowing wildly with serpents froth. Vodka binges were comfort to my soul but weighed heavily on money and when all funds have been exhausted by vodka an alcoholic will catch the ruffian wind of the Appletooth. Cider drinking.
Cider is the most available drink of them all to heavy drinkers (barring methylated spirit). Everything about it is cheap; the plastic bottles, the two shilling names, vicious bubbles and its foul scent. Even the bile caused from drinking cider looks different, with its neon green warning choking every breath.
I caught the Appletooth and every miserable copper coin was spent in lousy cider shops with dry tobacco air and shifty tills. From then on my beloved vodka was a luxury and it was the ginger whore who banged my liver.
Every minute rotated around alcohol. For nine years I didn't wake up from sleep, I simply came around as one would from anaesthesia. And booze opens newer vices on its sinister, downward path.
It was alcohol which introduced drugs into my world. Cannabis, lsd, ampthetamine, mushrooms, nitrazepam, temazepam, diazepam, even morphine sulphate and a brush with heroin.
It was dear alcohol that pushed the first morphine filled needle into my arm, giving me Heavenly pleasures and it was alcohol that melted the temazepam and crushed the valium to give it an intavenous kick.
Tablets do not look good in a needle but I wore sunglasses of 8% tint. Blinded from common sense and moderation, I wore iron blinkers which allowed sight in tunnel vision.
Alcohol and occasional drifts of drugs. I enjoyed drugs but the sauce is where I truly fell in Love. It was my devilish trigger, drugs a mere substitue. Life is both tiring and perverse in addiction and soon I lost all control.
I call this the semi-madness stage. Delusions of grandeur, talking to ones self,, obssessive behaviour, severe depression, personality disorder, suicidal tendancies and self mutilation (a fleshy, scarred crucifix still swings from my neck).
When it got to the point of switching the television or radio off to listen out for 'other' voices, I knew for sure that alcohol had become an enemy, one not to be trusted or given consideration.
I had reached the grand old age of twenty five and had been drinking relentlessly for eight years. Eight years of shameful lies and wasted coin. Looking back to the beginning of my drinking career the memory darkens. It had started as an innocent fashion accessory with a few laughs along the way, had I known the final chapter the bottle would have stayed on the shelf.
It no longer gave the warm glow and comfort, it no longer acted as a stimulant. Alcohol became a nagging, tedious aggravation.
The reader should now begin to understand some of the agonies it takes an alcoholic to suffer before admitting any wrongs. The hundred sermons and thousand pleadings from those not cursed with the disease will always fall like Icarus in flames, (a point I cannot stress enough).
A wagging finger and lashing tongue will be ignored by the drinker. He or she wears an armour that will not dent with a simple rebuke because alcohol teaches stern lessons. It discards moderation and common sense and nurtures its tragic followers on excess, self pity, selfishness, anger, frustration and deceit.
The lies which have been told in the name of the glass are countless, along with the pain it inflicts on both drunk and sober. The havoc and violence it creates could fill a battlefield and a bruise just one of the bottles many colours.
A clever thing to be able to shrink away from blame which is what happens because alcoholism is more often judged on the person it afflicts rather than understanding of the illness.
Alcoholics are frequently described as weak willed and hopless yet nothing could be further from the truth in the case of recovering alcoholics throughout the planet. It is harsh, all of it because of the disastrous spell it weaves to those involved.
There is no nobody stronger than someone who successfully beats an addiction but before fighting that addiction one must first face it, and getting an alcoholic to admit having a problem is usually the hardest and highest hurdle of them all.
I was caught in a whilwind romance with the Appletooth and was slowly drinking myself into the grave (or padded cell), but while the sauce was still in my hand I was without ear to the voice of reason.
Nothing seemed quite right without it and I came to believe that life would be that much better if I slept straight through it. Death was always hanging around and whilst the first drink gives courage the last one will always bring cowardice.
To be scared of life and frightened of death is a terrible place to be. For years I slept with a bottle under my pillow and I kissed my cruel 'bride' often, with vigour. It was only when my mind had begun to crack and a breakdown sat on my shoulders that I knew I needed a clean and final split from the demon which had kept me chained.
In the beginning alcohol had handed me freedom. It had given me fantasy in the place of reality, I lived in a cartoon and was king of nonsense. But Life (the one that bites) soon rained down in stone and the cartoon was buried beneath misery and empties.
The first step to recovery as has been previously stated was admitting to myself I was alcoholic (it applies to all addicts of course). Without this all else will fail because like the pulling of a tooth, if the root is not cut out the problen will remain.
I felt no shame in admitting I was alcoholic, it is a disease afterall, and instead I felt relief. After years of torture and self abuse I had finally broken the first shackle of my gothic vine.
The next immediate step was detox in an alcohol rehabilitation clinic where I was introduced to fellow drinkers. At first I didn't think my temperament would allow sobriety and in my first week in the plush clinic I was dogged by constant thoughts of one more binge. I had real doubts and many times I imagined quitting the programme to feed my addiction in a homely bar.
I attended many A.A. meetings and was drilled by group therapy and relaxation techniques. It was at one of the meetings that my doubts on a sober life disappeared and I discovered the true strength and determination of the human soul.
Here was a group of people who had allowed themselves to be whipped by a bottle until even their minds had bled, and allowed dignity and pride to slip from their reach.
With alcohol on their lips they were useless, cowering cripples unable to perfore the simplest task, but without it they stood taller than their previous shadow and sunlight was welcomed on their flesh.
After a month of treatment I went home eager to pick up on a fresh horizon without the sting of drink.
Weeks passed and the clouded days I had waded through prior to my stay in rehab became filled with hope. My bank account started to grow again and I found time to do the things that beer had prevented. Fresh air no longer clogged my lungs like it had with alcohol and confidence came flooding back as I busied myself in work.
Health wise it was thrilling, energy raced in my system and my brain found found sanity from somewhere. But still I lacked the companionship I craved. I had been two months without a drink and not a single knock arrived at my door. The 'friends' with which I had occasionaly shared a drink with disappeared. Can sobriety intimitate some people? I believe it can.
Sober I remained and each day brought more confidence, one of the bottles stickiets traps.
Too much confidence is deadly to alcoholics because it leads them to believe they have conquered their addiction and are able to finally control the booze.
It was that, coupled with emptiness that drove me once again to the off licence shelf and with that first drink the macabre circus started to rev its familiar tune.
Everything I had built and restored in those two sober months were smashed within a week. The first drink (which I tried desperately to control) had its claw into me again. A.A was a million miles away, caught once again like a fish thrashing in gunpowder.
The drinking was even more intense the second time around, I drank at all hours and the hangovers, if they could be described as such, were so severe after binges that for days later I writhed in bed, a wounded animal struggling in its near death throes.
Even personal hygeine was neglected as I sweated out toxins only to be seduced by the bottles charms again and again.
Alcohol has a powerful relationship with the alcoholic and the illness is dismissed by the ignorant who have no understanding at all. Why should they? It doesn't effect them.
They see addicts as either a person who is drunk twenty four hours a day or in the gutter with a duffle bag and little else. The ignorant are both deaf and blind.
Nothing in life has ever affected me as deeply as alcohol and from now until I am in my grave I will only be sober for one day at a time.
I am still alcoholic (that part never dies) and I still have scars from the past, but without booze they need not be re-opened. I know that it would only take ONE DRINK to start the hellish downward spiral yet again so these days I try not to look at the shelf.

Steven Francis May 1997

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At rehabs doors

Monday 20 August 2012

Egg On Beard

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Th new beard dye didnt catch on

Beards and food. How I love both but sadly they don't love each other. Or maybe they do and thats why they insist on sticking to each other like a furry symbiote, fusing to a body (and yes I read too much Spiderman/Venom stories.)
Pies and eggs are the worst in my opinion. (Others will say soup but ive not experienced the soupy beard strainer myself.) If ever I fancy a fried egg sarnie, like I did earlier, then I can almost guarantee to be tasting egg an hour after ive eaten it. Burgers with the works can prove a whiskery minefield as well with onions, grease, ketchup and mustard making a good beard seem like a wild almost edible Christmas tree.
But you know, some women (the good bad kind) dig this so don't be hasty in grabbing that razor. Never trust a man without facial fungus! And trust less the ones who grow goatees which look a bit like fluff stuck to the chin.

Saturday 18 August 2012

Bak Ta Scwl

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Excuse me?

If social media has taught me anything, its that most people cant spell for toffee. Or toucans. Or is that parrots? At least they try. Now being a fair man I didn't jump immediately to this assumption. 'Perhaps they were being plain lazy' I thought, but alas after reading some of the things being typed, I have no choice but admit that it is in fact stupidity at work. Bless their 99p Poundland cotton socks. The combination of ignorance and text messaging was too potent.
"Hey lwk, I did na go ta scwl!" They might as well post on Facebook to their just as silly friends, babbling away like a tree house full of baboons at a jumble sale. (Nothing against jumble sales, simpy using it to paint a picture.)
And you want to know something? It kills me man, like watching a leprous toad mate with a swan, or a bungling art curator spill Tipp Ex on Van Gogh's Starry Nights.
Part blame must go to odious tabloid newsrags. For instance in recent gossip an actors name was spelled thus:

The Telegraph ~ Robert Pattinson. The Sun ~ R Patz

Is it any wonder spelling and grammar have turned to sh!t when the most popular scandal rags are slapping this abomination of english all over the headlines? So what does this make Dai Jakes? Dazza Ja? D Jakz? God's teeth, its the perfect bastard made flesh. Nothing short of the murder of language and I for one am all for swinging the illiterate swines from the nearest gallows. Its not thunder you can hear dear reader, its Milton and Coleridge turning in their graves.
People are daft aplenty without the red tops gleefully encouraging gibberish. The actors name is Robert Pattinson, not 'R Patz'! Desist this foul caper! Stop telling folk its okay to be a lazy ass! Or suffer to be the smoking gun at the scene of a bloody crime. Do we really wish to be speaking a tongue that giants of literature like George Orwell would think alien? As a lover of languages (and speaker of three) it kills me to see such wilful sabotage.
Those Ecard things have become quite popular so Mr Jakes has created one of his own.

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Friday 17 August 2012

Under the Surgeon's Dice

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Is that you Sharon?

After seeing yet more photographs of the rich and shameless and their plastic surgery (which really ought to be rebranded as 'grotesque surgery') in todays morning papers, I can only come to the same conclusion that I always did: attempting to defy the ageing process will turn you into something resembling a cross between a Garbage Pail Kid and a Boglin (Google them if you were born after 1990.)
Are these blockheads so blinded by (a frail) vanity that they cannot see the bubbling mess in the mirror staring back at them? Can anyone be so deluded? Why of course they can, but such is the fear of losing that touch of glamour, these wealthy oiks wont ever see past the illusion of the stunning 25 year old staring back in their reflection. Key word being ILLUSION. That older, more decrepid hag, peering over the 25 year olds slender shoulders, is brushed away and foolishly ignored.
The folly of the ever greying famous is that they truly believe money is able to halt time and while they wait for the code of the grand design of immortality to be cracked, they plaster over the wrinkles with botox bulldozners and pad out their pensioners skin with crooked sounding 'stay young' procedures. I won't name and shame the worst offenders because evidently they have no shame but im hopeful one or two will stumble across the Dai Jake's Book sometime and realise the sobering truth: most folks are not dazzled by your staggering beauty or fooled by con tricks to evade old age.
No, the majority only want to look at you with morbid curiosity. Like the times we used to watch public executions and circus freaks. Sad really, but then you'll never understand that. Botox made you deaf. Enjoy your new life as a gargoyle. Toodle pip!

Thursday 16 August 2012

Mascot Havoc

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Wenlock: Why so weird?

Okay there's no real havoc. No running about screaming while unmentionable beasts hunt us down to lock their terrible jaws around saggy throats and rip us from the living. Im simply unwinding after a long old day, and decided in lazy assedness to go with the first title that hit my tired brain, and Mascot Havoc it was. I kinda like it to.
Anyway now that the London Games have been and gone, im noticing that shops still have quite a bit of merchandise on their shelves, left behind like colourful, plush scars. Poor old Wenlock and Mandeville have never looked so desperate with their solitary eye each and hairstyles only a maniac cockatoo would choose, pleading silently from the shelf to give them a home.
And I did too! (See above pic.) I couldn't help it, I hate to see inanimate objects left alone to gather dust and mold; their star now faded and ignored by those who only a week ago were using them to cheer on a nations dreams. Overly dramatic I might be but theirs is the most unkind fate and they look happier now. Nurse!
When Mr Jakes was but a callow youth, I used to think those who collected souvenirs from events like Royal weddings quite mad. In fact in some ways it actually offended me, to know that there was a kind of person in the world who would willingly spend hard earned money on cheap tat. Im happy ive finally climbed onto the tat wagon. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and feed Wenlock. Nurse!!

Monday 13 August 2012

So That's That

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Party on Boris

After the fun and games of the last fortnight (including 29 Gold medals), waking up this morning was a bit like waking up after a heavy session on the old booze. A sort of "what happened there then? Did we really? That was great! Must do it again sometime." The London 2012 games, and especially the winning, held the nation in a suspended animation of joy, making us forget things like double dip recessions. I dare say its still not sunk in for a few as they hit the ever faithful red button too catch up on some handball or archery.
Dai Jakes purposively missed last nights closing ceremony shindig because acts like the Spice Girls quite frankly leave me feeling cold (even when prancing on black cabs) but it was great up until then and if theres any justice left in the world, athletes like Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, Bradley Wiggins et al will have inspired the countries youngsters so that we may hold on to our 3rd medal position in Rio in four years time.
One question some people have asked in todays media is if we would be all so 'hungover' had we not bagged all those medals? Mr Jakes believes we would. These games gave us more than medals, they brought us all together, cheering our team on and they put a little dazzle back into our spirits. It doesn't happen very often and you could definately sense a buzz around the towns and in shops/pubs.
So a pleasant two week binge all told, but now its back to reality with a thud and while its been great, I for one am happy to be back to normal. There is only so much high jumping and javelin one can watch, although I will be sorry not waking up to any more beach volleyball. The sight of sweaty, toned women in bikinis goes so well with a bacon sandwich and mug of freshly brewed tea I quickly discovered.
Over to you then Rio.

Tuesday 7 August 2012

Why This Phone Is My Last

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End of the road for me

The humble mobile/cell phone. My how you've grown! You are all singing and dancing and texting and Googling and and oh everything! Im certain in years to come you will be bundled with jetpacks and auto pilot applications that drive our cars while we try to beat that hi-score on Angry Birds and the world will be giddy from the wonder of it all. But not me, im bowing out before I lose my soul forever.
You see I went through a few so called 'smartphones' before I finally settled on my current phone, the iPhone 3GS and this will be the last one I ever buy. (I was tempted by the newer iPhone 4 but after using both, preferred ios3.) The reason for this shouldn't be hard to see: iPhone 3GS has everything (and more) that I will ever need from a mobile telephone. I have no desire for the futures snazzy new iPhone 10. With or without jetpack.
How things change from the early days of mobile phones. Dai Jakes first one was the classic 'brick' type and you couldn't even text on it. It had a black and white screen, could make/recieve calls and erm....that was it. Perhaps you could change the ringtone but I never tried. There wasn't even a calculator and they seem to be on everything. It was a true mobile telephone, whereas these days mobile personal assistants is a more accurate description. Combine internet access with over 500,000 apps which have everything from blood pressure checks to whale alerts (I kid you not) and phones today almost do your life for you.
And thats why im stopping the one I have now. I don't want something sinister sounding like Siri telling me on iPhone 4 that I may need to take an umbrella to the park, or whatever else it suggests. Its too much and I am capable of thinking for myself thank you very much. Its neither cool or clever, only further proof of our decline as a species.
I have news, videos, music, sports, retro videogames, weather,, route finder, yada yada yada and that lot will do for me. Newer phones will only have the same but a bit more polished and I don't need further distractions from real life. Now if you'll excuse me I have a planet to kill in Plague Inc.