Kongle Flux

Router is dead at the moment for some techie reason (that is sadly beyond my skills) so im currently and most definately OFFLINE. Bugger. Also its that most dreaded of days; a sober sunday. Double bugger. Barman! I will have a glass of cyanide and a rope, and im counting on you to kick the chair from under me. Laughs Out Loud. Actually im not THAT bad (yet) but being without the interweb beast is certainly annoying. And its.....different. Like a made up word that sounds familiar but is totally nonsense. Let me think. Kongle Flux. Yes, thats it! Being offline is truly Kongle Flux.
Yes, yes im well aware we coped before the advent of WWW and its furry little dotcoms but now that its here, life when its not here seems emptier. And I know that sounds awfully tragic in a basement dweller type way but its true! Im not talking about updating Facebook statuses or Tweeting sports scores here either, I mean the convenience of researching dates and facts, or gathering intel for journeys such as the best routes, road closures, etc. Without the webby, I am at the mercy of radio and that horrible television when local news comes on. I feel cut off. Infertile even. Like a Buddhist without his chants. Or Barry John without his kicking togs.

*Fastforward 9 hours and its a pleasure to be back!

And Even Concrete Changes

His Masters Voice

HMV is set to go into administration after 92 years and bang goes another big name store that holds memories from my youth. As a young metalhead I used to hang around outside the Swansea HMV in the quadrant with all the other headbangers, clutching our newly bought heavy metal vinyl/cassettes and discussing our 'scene'. Truly great times when it was a joy to go to Swansea.
But times they insist on change, demand it with a stubborn fist like a barfly ordering another scotch. Like the water in our oceans, nothing stays still not even steel and concrete. Our town and city centers are vastly different to how they were in the 1980s and its not just fashion that is making the difference. I fear that all that is going to be left open are pound shops and mobile phone 'bars', which is a reflection of how cheap and lazywe have become as a collective society. (And if there is a kind way of being cheap and lazy, then this is the way I mean it. Im not condemning anyone for online shopping.) The 'hivemind' is targeted toward bargains, good things for less (largely due to the internet) and bricks and mortar shops suffer as a result.
There is nothing wrong with bargain hunting of course, as long as we remember that other things (shop wise) will get hit by it. We bemoan the fact that big stores are disappearing yet all we do is shrug our shoulders, pick up the mouse and surf on over to Amazon, Zavvi, Netflix, etc to merrily contribute to the death rattles of the high street. It seems we will miss them once they vanish for good but not that much.
Mr Jakes is no less guilty, afterall the convenience of Tesco online is difficult to ignore and its so simple these days. (Not to mention warmer/safer in the midst of the snow and ice we are currently experience in Britain.) But I admit I buy from the internet with a heavy heart (and lighter wallet,) my mind racing back to the times spent outside Swansea's HMV in the Quadrant with every virtual basket I fill. Oh so bittersweet.

The Facebook Caper

Web advice: Never tell Facebook anything you don’t want the whole Web (and world) to know about you.

Yup sage advice indeed and pretty obvious too. Besides from my work and other serious things like private messages, the other more outlandish stuff I post on Facebook should be taken with a mighty pinch of salt. Especially after 6pm on a drinking night. That is when my naughty twin comes out to play *wink* I think most people know when im stepping into the world of fantasy but just to be clear: my poetry, views, philosphies (and sadly the alcohol) bits are all very much my real world. Nothing but honesty there. The panda eating and prison stories are most certainly not. I would eat dog but not panda, and I dont have a criminal record of any kind.
Why do it? Well simply because I love the absurd. It entertains me on the grainy alcohol evenings when my mind is awash with wild stories. I don't see it as 'trolling' at all, its more a new form of entertainment and it works too because one friend has told me I was "better than te;evision". I just dont see the point in telling the world what books im reading, or songs im listening too. Id rather create a kind of Batman & Robin episode where adventure and escapism is the order of the day. It keeps my Facebook wall very interesting and no harm is ever meant. (I would never dream of calling someone out personally anyway, I wasn't brought up that way.)
I do have some wild stories which are true. For instance I have climbed a 100ft quarry face with no equipment, explored underground mines and I have come very close to death due to alcohol and other vices but by and large I am a quiet man just getting through this life with as little fuss as possible. Ciao for now X

Bak Ta Scwl

Excuse me?

If social media has taught me anything, its that most people cant spell for toffee. Or toucans. Or is that parrots? At least they try. Now being a fair man I didn't jump immediately to this assumption. 'Perhaps they were being plain lazy' I thought, but alas after reading some of the things being typed, I have no choice but admit that it is in fact stupidity at work. Bless their 99p Poundland cotton socks. The combination of ignorance and text messaging was too potent.
"Hey lwk, I did na go ta scwl!" They might as well post on Facebook to their just as silly friends, babbling away like a tree house full of baboons at a jumble sale. (Nothing against jumble sales, simpy using it to paint a picture.)
And you want to know something? It kills me man, like watching a leprous toad mate with a swan, or a bungling art curator spill Tipp Ex on Van Gogh's Starry Nights.
Part blame must go to odious tabloid newsrags. For instance in recent gossip an actors name was spelled thus:

The Telegraph ~ Robert Pattinson. The Sun ~ R Patz

Is it any wonder spelling and grammar have turned to sh!t when the most popular scandal rags are slapping this abomination of english all over the headlines? So what does this make Dai Jakes? Dazza Ja? D Jakz? God's teeth, its the perfect bastard made flesh. Nothing short of the murder of language and I for one am all for swinging the illiterate swines from the nearest gallows. Its not thunder you can hear dear reader, its Milton and Coleridge turning in their graves.
People are daft aplenty without the red tops gleefully encouraging gibberish. The actors name is Robert Pattinson, not 'R Patz'! Desist this foul caper! Stop telling folk its okay to be a lazy ass! Or suffer to be the smoking gun at the scene of a bloody crime. Do we really wish to be speaking a tongue that giants of literature like George Orwell would think alien? As a lover of languages (and speaker of three) it kills me to see such wilful sabotage.
Those Ecard things have become quite popular so Mr Jakes has created one of his own.

Why This Phone Is My Last

End of the road for me

The humble mobile/cell phone. My how you've grown! You are all singing and dancing and texting and Googling and and oh everything! Im certain in years to come you will be bundled with jetpacks and auto pilot applications that drive our cars while we try to beat that hi-score on Angry Birds and the world will be giddy from the wonder of it all. But not me, im bowing out before I lose my soul forever.
You see I went through a few so called 'smartphones' before I finally settled on my current phone, the iPhone 3GS and this will be the last one I ever buy. (I was tempted by the newer iPhone 4 but after using both, preferred ios3.) The reason for this shouldn't be hard to see: iPhone 3GS has everything (and more) that I will ever need from a mobile telephone. I have no desire for the futures snazzy new iPhone 10. With or without jetpack.
How things change from the early days of mobile phones. Dai Jakes first one was the classic 'brick' type and you couldn't even text on it. It had a black and white screen, could make/recieve calls and erm....that was it. Perhaps you could change the ringtone but I never tried. There wasn't even a calculator and they seem to be on everything. It was a true mobile telephone, whereas these days mobile personal assistants is a more accurate description. Combine internet access with over 500,000 apps which have everything from blood pressure checks to whale alerts (I kid you not) and phones today almost do your life for you.
And thats why im stopping the one I have now. I don't want something sinister sounding like Siri telling me on iPhone 4 that I may need to take an umbrella to the park, or whatever else it suggests. Its too much and I am capable of thinking for myself thank you very much. Its neither cool or clever, only further proof of our decline as a species.
I have news, videos, music, sports, retro videogames, weather,, route finder, yada yada yada and that lot will do for me. Newer phones will only have the same but a bit more polished and I don't need further distractions from real life. Now if you'll excuse me I have a planet to kill in Plague Inc.

Oh Foulest Blackberry, Begone!

After months of headaches, I have finally kicked the Blackberry smartphone (smart? Yeah right!) out of my bed and moved on. Good riddance to it, the horribe f**king thing! If ever a gadget needed execution, the Blackberry is it. But at least I did a good deed out of getting rid of it by selling it to someone on EvilBay for a mere £15. Hell you can't even get a basic mobile for that price these days so his Christmas came early. Yes I could have gotten more for it but I wanted to sell it cheap to show my utter contempt for the crappy company. (Plus a good deed is good for halo points and Lord knows I need 'em).
I hope the buyer has more happiness than I ever had with it but I could stand it no longer. And now I know why the cell phone shop made customers sign a document barring them from asking for refunds on Blackberry, which is why I won't be dealing with that store again either. I don't mind naming them, its the Orange shop in Carmarthen and my advice would be to stay away. (Is it even legal to make customers sign such things? What an offensive policy).


Blackberry: you have a message

Anyway I care not because I wouldn't own a Blackberry again if they threw in a seven bedroom house and a French maid to go with it. Lousy camera, loading start up times from hell, unreliable service, cheap knock off apps, appalling battery life, quiet music volume, etc etc. Just a horrid horrid little mobile phone. They don't even make decent accessories for the things. Tacky looking tat like the kind you commonly see in pound shops and the like.
So buh bye Blackberry thou infectious swag-bellied baggage!
Thank you Shakespeare for such a grand insult.

Wires In The Ether

I just found this online:

Should You Hire a Social Media Manager?
"Did you know you can also outsource your social media? There are people out there whose job is to handle other peoples’ social media marketing, saving them oodles of time on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, Constant Contact, you name it".

So this is it then. Evolve 2.0 The Modern Soul. The humble chat room has arisen into something that nobody can escape or ignore. (And please excuse me being overly dramatic here, its just my way). Some internet users a few years ago claimed they would never sign up to socila media sites but now it would seem they will have to. Or miss out.
And those note yet 'webbed up' are unaware of the monster that lurks in the wings. It will come for them too, as surely as the microwave nudged the oven onto the subs bench.
If we are so 'internet minded' that people are suggesting we hire 'social media managers' then the wires have truly gotten under our human skin.

God Wants Us Gone

Had to go out and buy what must be our seventh computer yesterday. We only bought the one before that a couple of weeks before Christmas!? And my Blackberry is slowly packing up. I might go looking at old blog articles to see if ive offended God in some way because im certain He wants to see Dai Jakes offline for good. Is He a big dog lover? Does He love vegetarians? What reason could there be in trying to sabotage every darned computer we get? Mr Jakes demands an answer!
If this carries on we'll have to be as rich as Croesus to keep up.
Or maybe there is a restless spirit about? A lost soul who sees computers as a modern pox on society and has taken it upon itself to rid the world of computers one at a time starting with Mr Jakes.
Whatever, this is the last one. This one dies and the blogging will continue off line like when we started in 1980.

No Cwtches?

Old John Prescott, (he of the 'two Jags' fame) has admitted he never hugged his son, and few others have backed this astonishing revelation up. What is it with folk these days? Thats what Dai Jakes wants to know. Have we lost the bond between parent and child? Has it withered into nothingness? I blame the interwebz myself. Its taught us how to be more successful in anti socialism. We are fine when yakking away on a computer screen, tapping out endless words to strangers but whenever we venture out into the real world, we somehow become as meek as mice.

The Trolling Of The Times

Anyone who is internet savvy will know what a TROLL is, but for those new to this WWW madness, allow me to give a brief description of a troll; basically they are people who visit message boards and forums with the aim of disrupting everything, provoking reactions from the members. There are many different types of troll but thats the gist of it. Most are harmless and when ignored they will go elsewhere. (There is no fun to be had if nobody gets wound up.)
A fair few however are quite clever and will 'recce' a board and research its members before posting. Believe me, some trolls very dedicated and go about their trolling with precision.


A typical Troll's leaving card

But are they ALL bad and out to ruin other peoples internet 'lives'? Quite frankly no they are not. I used to be one myself (when time permitted) and while I admit to visiting a few website forums to wind people up, my reason for trolling was different. I was testing my beliefs and ideas, for example I would visit hunting forums in the guise of an Anti hunter (nobody could be more PRO hunting than I,) trying to get inside an Anti's head to see if I could understand. Most trolls who go onto message boards are usually the OPPOSITE of what they claim to be in the open forum.
Dont forget, the internet is a fairly recent thing and everything is changing due to it. The way we live our lives is 'evolving' as we type and humans have to adapt. It isn't just news that is being spread differently. This generation of children are the first to not understand what it was like before the internet and some find trolling the best way to figure out their thoughts. (Im not talking about the vicious, meddlesome types here because nobody can deny that there are indeed sad individuals out to cause misery.)
To some its just a new way to explore ones ideas and maybe confront doubts via an online 'character'. I myself have explored quite a few avenues of thought by taking on the role of a troll. And a good one will try to be as creative as possible which stirs other things inside the brain.
The troll is not all bad and winding people up often makes them think a lot more. Keeps them on their toes. Yes I enjoy a good wind up, watching peoples reactions can be hilarious but it was never the core of why I did it. My guess is that im not the only one using this method to try and cement my ideas.

Predicting the Exchange of Souls

What with the advent of Facebook and internet forums I hereby predict that in say ten years time (maybe less) the majority of people worldwide will become near hermits and exist by and large through the internet. The only time they will ever meet anybody will be via a keyboard and tapping out pretty words into sentences. Its happening already, with large numbers of people seemingly taking root in cyberspace by shopping online, getting groceries, posing on video sharing sites and sharing every morsel of personal information on Twitter.
And im as guilty of it as the next man, probably more so because I have virtually set up camp on the internet, deciding its the best way to air my works. But what will it do to us a human beings? Is this the next step in evolution?

Life in 2025

On a positive note I believe the WWW has made a lot more people creative and they are using the net (is that too 'nineties' a word?) to do some wonderful things. One only has to look at the photography on image hosting sites and watch some of the homemade spoofs and parodies on Youtube to get evidence of this.
Will our souls cope however? Human beings have evolved before but we have never experienced so much in so little time like we are right now. The onslaught of technology has been relentless since 1995 and there is no way of knowing what the results will be from this technical assault until we are more 'settled' in the company of computers.
One of the great British traditions (it might have existed in other countries too of course) was having a natter with your neighbour over the garden fence. Or meeting up in public houses (the pub) to unwind, share a few drinks and catch up on news.