Project Kate

In all her glory

"Lifeless," "disappointing," "ordinary," "dull" and "old" are some of the words being hurled at the first official portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge, by artist Paul Emsley. I must admit ive only had a few fleeting glances at the painting and am no art critic but as the old saying goes, I know what I like and I like this painting. Why all the fuss? In my humble opinion Kate Middleton is an average looking young woman who I think Emsley has captured perfectly. Due to Kate's penchant for dressing 'soberly' she looks more like 41 than 31 and 'ordinary' is exactly the word I would use to describe her. (And I no I am not suggesting she dress like Jodie Marsh.)
The British public become far too precious and picky when it comes to the Royal family, especially the younger female ones (remember saint Diana?) almost to the point that speaking of them in anything other than praise is heresy. Its a bit of a nonsense really.
Mr Jakes raises a glass to the artist for capturing the Duchess in all her glory, however plain that glory is. And if next you hear that im in the Tower of London you'll know why.

Pour Me A Lagerfeld

The plain in Jane

Karl Lagerfeld said this today of Pippa Middleton: "I don't like her face." And I for one agree with the designer. He was wrong when he said singer Adele was too fat but his arrow towards Pippa is true. Dai Jakes has always thought she looks like a man in drag, and I can't find a photograph of the 28 year old (who looks more 38) that would 'soften' this opinion. To me she is the typical "dont fancy yours much" type. In fact the kindest description that comes immediatelt to mind is that Middleton looks like a rough shemale.
I will say no more because its not my wish to be unkind when there is no need to be.

Distressing Damsels

Ah the glamour of Hollywood! These pretty gods among mere mortals! Want to see some of the planets most beautiful women? Then pick up a movie or a gossip magazine and be amazed (and envious?) at the perfect darlings of Tinseltown. Let them have you in awe as they shine on the screen/page with their flawless skin (not airbrushed, honest) and natural beauty (no surgery, much) making you feel about as attractive as a packet of dry crackers. All the perfect creatures hang out in Los Angeles dididn't you know? People stay young there.
This is what a lot of folk would have you believe, but if you take off the blinkers you will see that its not without its share of plain Janes. (In fact if it wasn't for surgery and a hefty trowel of make up, there would be more Janes than Aphrodites).


Erm...I need another pint

Look at her above for example, Sarah Jessica Parker. Forget about the horsey face, eat some bloody food love! She looks like a medieval waif who has just spent the last five years in a dungeon eating nothing but gruel. Loving the whippet look. Not. What do on earth do movie casters actually see in this woman? Come to think about it, what do they see in any of those women in the Sex And the City things? (Not sure if its a tv series or film, never watched them). they are as bland as the sand. With a lot less substance.
Fact is I really, hand-on-heart cannot name you one Hollywood leading lady that makes me go "PHWOOAAARR!" like I do whenever I see Dame Helen Mirren. (Had the hots for Hels since forever).