Breath of Ending

 In life,

in keeping,

I was deceased.

And now,

in mossy cradle

as still as ice,

tamed at last,

I live.

Dying. Dead.

In death i live,

finally.

@StevenFrancispoems 

Today, Of Tomorrow

Alcohol is my default. Drunkeness a refuge for the insecurities and bitterness that dwell in these bones, indeed my very soul. Alcoholics (we rabid, wild flowers), regard intoxication as medicine who crave it as instinctively as breathing. To be born an addict, as there is no choice in this matter, is to be born with a heavy, persistant darkness that one learns quickly can be made bearable through liberal use of alcohol or pills (or both). So fast is this knowledge one is tempted to be overly dramatic with descriptions of angels and divine solutions but truth is more mundane, fact is that self preservation is as much part of the human fabric as any fraility and the minute we boozers get a taste of our 'medicine', addiction sets in. A wretched journey of despair, pain, lies, loathing and filth. A journey not everyone survives. In fact, I would wager more die from addiction than are accounted for because by its nature it is a disease that instills secrecy.

Today, Of Tomorrow 

 All of the horrors are given and known, have been lived through time and time again, yet the temptation of another drink remains. Not small and insignificent, harmless in the background but lurking on every thread of thought, constant in its danger to sobriety. A relentless bloodlust that should I ever lessen my grip on sobriety will ravish my soul with unspeakable terrors, as it has many times before. Sobriety isn't a natural state for me, in years distant I have used my powers of manipulation and deceit to avoid it at any cost. Today I am five years clean but its not game over. It is never game over. There is too high consequence in wanting a drink today. There is never a today. Today in drink becomes tomorrow in drink, and tomorrow after that, on and on it slides into oblivion. Like thousands of other alcoholics, the trickster becomes the tricked. The grain mistress has no equal when it comes to seductive poisons.

 Ode to Zero

 Alas I must refrain from pretty words for fear of getting distracted and this would be fatal with this disease. To put it bluntly: there are those of us where tomorrow must cease to exist. There can be no healing finish line in this race. The minute I allow to trust in tomorrow, is when things get dark. Get grim and bloody. Tomorrow is a new slate, a reset and if I believe in those, I am in danger today. Too many times I have indulged today, believing tomorrow was a new day that wouldn't bring the craving and therefore I would be safe. Alcoholism doesn't do safe. It wants you to trust. It wants to be an old friend. It wants you to put faith in it. And we all fall down.

We the People?

In three days time, Americans go to the polls to choose who their next President will be, Trump or Biden. And regardless of the usual media hype that accompany these events, this is a moment of history. Both Republicans and Democrats, though obviously disagreeing on most everything else, know that a win means everything. It is one of those times when being in the losers camp is too horrid to contemplate. Such has been the impact of Trump's Presidency. Whatever your opinion of the man (I personally like him and would vote for him if I was American), President Trump has singlehandedly made politics a much more exciting place, even for people who would normally sooner watch paint dry. One thing Ive noticed is how much the Democrats have been hammering the fact that this is a choice that 'We the People' must make to turn the tides and make right what for them the Republicans have been doing wrong under Trump. Of course being on the opposite side of the political fence (some would call it a canyon these days), I am pointing out the obvious but I do wonder what the liberals will think should Trump triumph on Tuesday like he did four years ago? Will they still believe in, 'We the People' and accept the decision? Certainly they didn't accept it in 2016 and have been sour ever since. And listen, I don't wish to doubt anyone, I realise folk will be upset/angry if Trump gets another term in office but if Democrats truly have faith in 'We the People' and hold it precious to democracy, they ought honour the decision with dignity and not think it is the end of the world because it really won't be. It must be the same if Republicans lose also. If having a vote is priceless, and democracy is the soul of a free nation, treat it as such.

Like Bones In A Storm

Readers familiar to trese blogs and thoughts will know by now that I am a recovering alcoholic. I spent many years under the cruel whip of addiction, and many years getting sober only to fall again and again under its spell. Its a recurring theme im afraid, as many fellow alcoholics and addicts will agree. In the life, nothing could be rarer than an alcoholic who 'gets it' the first time out. Nobody drinks, quits and suddenly become sober forever more. The moment of clarity does not drop like switching a light on and off (if only were it the case). Five years. This will be my fifth year clean from booze but I can never again believe for one second that its safe to crack open a bottle because if I did these years of sobriety would be for naught. I even hesitate to type this post for fear of stirring a demon to tempt fate and lure me back. The disease is cunning and patient, it can take refuge within any situation, ready to kill sobriety with a crushing blow. Love, pain, worry,loss; these and a hundred more can swiftly end the sober souls reign. I have been there, done it and regretfully wear the scars. We are never truly sober, even as we shy from wine. Strange as it may sound to non addicts, it really is possible to be a drunk without a drink. "Drinking thinking" we called it in rehab. Alcoholism is like a cyst soldered to the soul. A grim shadow. A beast continually searching for a chance to escape and maim. Ten years sober? One kiss from whiskey will cure that. Free from the cruel sting of alcohol withdrawal? Take a drink of ginger grain and the anguish can return like bones in a storm. Today God willing, I am sober but always guarded because like life itself, it can end in a second.

The Cauldron of Vengeance and Deathmaker

In memory of Larry Fitzgerald, Texas Dept of Criminal Justice spokesman


First, I 'think' I am still a supporter of capital punishment. I have spent years on death penalty forums arguing in favour of it, rolled out many blog posts and even created a website that gathers records of executions that happened here in Wales hundreds of years ago. I'm a tad on the ghoulish side, I openly admit this but allow me to get back to the 'think' part of my opening.
Nobody on earth can be 100% either way regarding killing in pursuit of justice. I have met many (via forums) who claim to be fully pro death or anti and yet often it only takes a minor detail to push someone the other way. Might be the inmate on death row has murdered a child, a crime so heinous to make even the more liberal of folk wave a noose in anger. Perhaps a wretched soul has had their innocence come to light after their appointment with the deathmaker (famous, historic cases shows us this has been so), and is a potent force in stopping the fry circus get more supporters into its camp.
Pro and anti are as common and varied as flower petals, and much like petals, it can take only the gentlest of wind to change direction. I myself am in constant struggle to find where justice sits with me, and to wear the shrouded hood of death with at least a pinch of grace and honesty, one must answer the question: are we a civilised race?

And the depressing truth of it all is, that I do not think we are. Not by a long shot. Heck by looking at humanity through ragged, bloody history we are able to see slivers of the soul in all naked savagery. Stripped down, laid bare, the barbed folds of life complete. Twisted mechanics o in all its suicidal, craven glory. We are not purehearts, or saints by nature.
Certainly we like to think ourselves as kind, generous, loving, open minded race but life will cure one from that thinking all too soon. giving way to uncomfortable fact. Humans are a selfish, cruel, greedy bunch. Self obsessed to the point of indifference toward others. And this isn't entirely wicked, indeed its vital for self preservation because a honest to God, pure pacifist wouldn't be long for the world (especially this world) if they were uncompromising in his or her pacifism. So a little cold is good for the soul, and I wish folk would recognise it.

The March of the Purehearts


Listen, im not saying humans are damned to hell and locked into a terrible future. Corruption and bad intentions do not dominate every waking heart and neither do I believe this planet lost to hope. If we were swamped by a ocean of never ending evil, the world would have eaten itself long ago. There is a future, there is change for the better but there are more thorns than saints (afterall saints need courage and that seems to be in short supply these days), and the world is never going to turn into some kind of utopia where sh!t tastes like sugar and nobody hunts unicorns.

Corvid 19 UK Response

To be clear, this video isn't mine, its by Footman 447 on YouTube who recently went viral (you have probably seen it already). Its excellent and the government should consider putting it out as a television advert immediately.

The Fallen, In Remembrance

We Will Never Forget


The world has just fallen silent to mark the centenary of Armistice. One hundred years has passed since World War 1. As always during the two minute silence that I always, always observe my mind bounces between prayer, reflection and gratitude, my eyes like diamonds holding tears that were I to give in to the sorrow that shrouds my soul on such occasions, I would have great difficulty in recovering. And this is coming from someone who has never set foot on a battlefield during times of war. I cannot even begin to try and imagine what veterans are feeling on Armistice day, so I wont pretend to try.

The world owes a debt to soldiers that can never be adequately repaid. The gratitude ought to hang from our every breath. Our freedoms earned by the blood and souls of those we call heroes, and are indeed heroes, even when the word is still not grand enough. We thank you, I thank you, a million times thank you. Not enough I know, you deserve much much more.


a short addendum
I wasn't going to do this but sadness gave way to anger and the article pulled me back. The thing that makes me most sad (and im not alone in this of course) is the fact that we expect the courageous to fight for us, to give the ultimate sacrifice and die for us, but we never learn and whether it is twenty years or two hundred years, our species are quick to war. We never tire of it. We pat ourselves on the back and throw around words like "civilised" but don't believe a word of it. Individually we might be but humans on the whole are just as savage as the first of our kind were when they walked the earth.
We can pretend otherwise but war is in our blood. To be man is to be with the sword and furies.

from "The Green Fields of France

Well the sorrow the suffering the glory the pain
The killing the dying was all done in vain
For young Willy Mc Bride it all happened again
And again, and again, and again, and again.