The Greatest Movie Quiz. Ever

I love the films of the 1980's and early 90's. Let us see which ones stayed in your Christmas addled brain. There will be music questions too. And DO NOT use Google. Others will not know you have cheated but YOU will and it will make you feel cheap. *Cue Mastermind Theme*

1. Name the operation to take out the undead in Zombie Creeping Flesh?

2. Name of the bar Patrick went to look after in Roadhouse.

3. Who thought he was Nikki Sixx?

4. Inventor of Nintendo's Game & Watch?

5. Which member of 1980's comedy Auf Weidersehen, Pet was in the 1989 movie Batman?



6. In the 1991 film Point Break starring Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves, the bank robbers were called The Ex Presidents. There were four ~ Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and who?

7. What was the name of the badger in 1979 film Tarka the Otter?

8. What colour were Kelly LeBrocks panties in Weird Science?

9. What was the tag line to The Breakfast Club?

10. In American Ninja how does Joe get out of the army base to meet his girl?

1980 Again

I am just settling down with a forty year old whisky for company, to watch The Expendables, a movie I have been waiting to see for a while. Being a massive fan of the 80's action flicks like Rambo and Missing In Action it should suit me down the ground. (Speaking of Missing In Action where the heck is Chuck in this amazing ensemble?)
And boy it sure does!! From the opening shots of red sighted dots aimed right at the idiot terrorist's bonce to dear old Dolph Lundgren's opening salvo, I was hooked. No, not plain hooked, bold letter type hooked. And I don't hang pirates.
Everyone knows what this is; a gang of mostly 1980's action heroes, all joined up to give the baddies a good hiding. And it bluddy works well too! The stars haven't completely fallen apart and the in~jokes (brilliant to 80's movie fans) are totally awesome. Dude.

Dydd Nadolig ~ The Zombie's Festive Day

For those unfortunate people who can't speak Welsh Dydd Nadolig means Christmas day, which it is today of course! So, Nadolig Llawen ~ Feliz Navidad ~ Joyeux Noel ~ Merry Christmas to one and all! And boy does the tree look bare now that we have taken the gifts from under it.
The goose and other fine meats are slowly cooking so i'll take this time to review my loot. Presents, booze and food is all I really care about this time of year. Yeah I suppose I could spare a thought for the homeless and visit a church and what have you but I won't. And I will not lie and say that I do think about that stuff because I don't. (Apart from military stationed in warzones, in which case I certainly do.) Neither will most others I suspect but they would never admit it. Thats my honesty for you. It might be the death of me.
Speaking of Death, I had a lot of zombie themed gifts this year which is nice. A Marathon of Zombie Comics, Xbox 360 gameDead Rising, Judge Dredd vs Judge Death (who is essentially a zombie) and I treated myself to Undead Nightmare, the Red Dead Redemption game add on.

Undead Christmas loot

Christmas Adventures in Pixel City

It is Christmas eve and what better way to wait for the Big Guy in Red to drop by than to fill the day with videogames? Alcohol will be added later on of course, but for now follow me as I charge headlong through bullets and mysteries, zombies and beautiful damsels, in order to save Christmas eve from those pixelated baddies who would have it ruined.
The order of the day ~

1. Outrun

Ah the perfect way to start a session. Sun blistering the tarmac of winding highways, a bouncing, vibrant soundtrack on your Ferrari's sound system and a blonde in the passenger seat ready to praise you after each successful manouvre (in the car of course) and give you a ear bashing whenever you fluff up. Perfect.

2. High Velocity Bowling

Some friendly rivalry between countries via the internet and a mini bowling tournament. This sadly went boobs up after the server crashed. Or got drunk.

3. Zen Pinball

Pinball is great for Christmas eve. Those one-more-go hi scores make time go quicker and should the Bearded One show up during a game you can challenge him! How cool would his name look on the scoretable?

4. Saw II (demo)

I fancied pulling my own eyeball out to give it a polish. Move on, nothing to see here!

5. 1942 Joint Strike

Search the skies for Santa while turning enemy fighter planes into balls of fire, and raining shells upon the tanks and supply trucks below. If the Jolly Fellow fails to turn up at your house later, be comforted to know that he didn't feel a thing.

6. Mafia II

Father Christmas can travel the planet in one night. I on the other cannot, but I am able to time travel. Back into 1950's New York City to chase down and kill a gangster who goes by the un-gangsterish name of 'Porky'.
In real life I have pork cooking in the oven for a Christmas eve feast so the smell as I gun the hapless fatty down in a hail of bullets is in keeping with his nickname. RIP Porkster ~ Death Was Your Santa Claus.

7. Bishi Bashi Special

Nothing like a bit of Japanese madness to get the party started! And there is no better game than this one. Basically Bishi is a ton of mini games, all of which range from standard weird to downright absurd. How about some of these game challenges to let your mind wander:
Shake The Can to Outer Space ~ shake tin, watch go.
Jump for Meat ~ Help the muscled guy on a pogo stick get the ham.
Burst the Balloon ~ Help muscles again, this time pump up a balloon until it blows a living room up.
Uncle Launcher ~ Shoot your uncle from a canon and land him on a giant plate held up by a stone Oriental man in just his pants!?

Game On!

8. Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare

Cowboys! Zombies! Cowboy zombies! Theres no yuletide joy in Blackwater, as the dead seem to have gotten bored of being a dead and are now staggering around the stables and saloon bars, looking for flesh. YOUR flesh.
Its up to former outlaw John Marston to make things safe for Rudolph and friends.

Preludes and Quaaludes

It is Thursday, December 23rd at precisely 4:14pm and this is the bit I enjoy, the eve of the EVE. The warming up. Its like booze, the GETTING drunk is always better than the main event. Or if it were a guillotine session, the drum roll better than the blade dropping.
I always feel a slight sagging on my shoulders on Christmas morning, like the buzz has worn off and the come down begun. And of course it has, Christmas day can be quite a dull affair, puncuated only by a finger scrabbling in the peanut dish, stale cheese and licking the sherry dregs from fragile stemmed glasses. (Or perhaps that last one is just me.)

A typical Christmas eve

Give me the days leading up to Christmas anytime! As I sit here now, pecking out these words, there are carols on the stereo (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen at this current minute,) bottles of whisky, gin, bourbon and rum lined up on a table and the goose is about to be pulled from its frosty nest in the freezer. (The pork and turkey can stay a while longer in the fridge.) I am in a happy place indeed. Anticipation is high.
And thats just it; the anticipation of something (especially as magical as Christmas) can always over power the actual event itself no matter what it is. Many intravenous drug users (including myself in the past) admit that the best part of taking the drug was plunging the needle into the skin. Or watching the drug bubble and cook on the spoon. Ditto sex. The orgasm is second to the sight of a stockinged leg or a tongue rolling on a gin soaked top lip.
Now is the time for indulgence, the time to lay back and soak joy into every greedy pore. Here is where I thrive, in the ghetto of all eves. May it preserve me in oils and fatten my wings to glide me over the ruins which must always follow.

Nadolig Llawen !!

Merry Sixxmas !!

Sexy Comments & Profile Graphics

love Steven!

Adieu Ffrindiau

The year is almost over and we have lost a few good people in 2010. But let us not grieve or dwell in misery! Life is eternal (do I sound vicarish yet?) and we WILL be among these guys in some other, better place. (Hopefully with less wars and free scotch.)

1. Ronnie James Dio (Metal God)~ RIP brother
2. Paul Gray (Slipknot) ~ RIP brother
3. JD Salinger (writer) ~ RIP brother
4. Leslie Nielsen (actor) ~ RIP brother
5. Tony Curtis (actor) ~ RIP brother
6. Dennis Hopper (actor) ~ RIP brother
7. Corey Haim (actor) ~ RIP brother
8. Blake Edwards (director) ~ RIP brother
9. Irvine Kersher (director) ~ RIP brother
10. Gary Coleman (actor) ~ RIP brother
11. Lynne Redgrave (actress) ~ RIP sister
12. Alexander McQueen (fashion designer) ~ RIP brother
13. Bernard Mathews (turkey tycoon) ~ RIP brother
14. Glenn Shaddix (actor) ~ RIP brother

Undead Cool

Zombies. Slow. Brainless. Shuffling messes, devoid of any flicker of emotion. Say what you like about them, they have slowly (its their way) clawed back to being THE coolest horror creations ever. For a while it was werewolves who ruled the monster playground. Until the vampire came along and stole the spotlight with dashing looks and tales of romance, sending women (goths in particular) weak at the knees. The vamps had great PR behind them and seemed to get the best looking men in film/television to portray them.


Do the zombie shuffle!

But now those undead voodoo dancers have returned with a vengeance, leaving all other creeps behind in their fould dust and letting the fanged ones get on with faffing around in poncy looking cloaks and frilly cuffs. Effeminate bunch, vampires.
Of course zombies came to prominence thanks to the 'Grandfather of zombies' George A. Romero and his brilliant films, and now we welcome them again to where they belong, and indeed where they feel the most comfortable, surrounding us with their rotting presence. Recent movies like Zombieland, Dead Sno and Land of the Dead, together with videogames like Dead Rising and Burn! Zombie Burn! Have seen to that. We have seen a kind of 'zombie chic' emerge which prove that however mangled their corpses, or however pungent they smell, those grave dodgers will always be welcome to gnaw their way into our hearts.

Doughnut withdrawal can be fatal

The first time I ever appreciated just how frightening zombies can be was when I played the first three installments of the Resident Evil games. That single minded urge to simply want to feast off your flesh and the slow, shuffling towards you in a dimly lit corridor was very disturbing like a crawling, certain death with sole reason to cruelly rip your organs apart.
Films like Zombie Creeping Flesh and Night of the Living Dead did their best to creep me out, and to an extent they did, but it wasn't until the Playstation arrived where you could actually be 'in' the film/game that the terror truly took off. It was that step closer and anyone who has ever played the Resi Evil games must have felt the same.
Another icky thing about zombies is the fact that they dress like us (obviously because before getting zombified they WERE us) and I don't know about you dear reader but for me there is something utterly disturbing and freaky about that. The clothes give them a normality, human but not quite. They are the last link to how they used to live, a final snapshot of lost lives. Think about it. When you see zombies in film or videogames they are dressed in all manner of things; leisure wear, work clothes (like the police zombie above) and sports kit. Carrying on with life before they were turned into the undead. The viewer knows what job they had, or their hobbies and now its merely a shell.
There is something deliciously horrifying about that.

A Grenade In A Floral Display

If you want to have a heated debate (or fancy starting an online flame war) try these subjects on for size ~

1. Death Penalty

Always a good topic and never fails to send the petticoats flying. (Usually by those who are against it.) This topic (much like the one below) is almost guaranteed to start spiteful and personal insults (with few, not all) on both sides when the debate is over with. It will never be resolved so the human mind reverts to pulling monkey gibs at the opponents. Jolly good fun it is too, when kept in check.

2. Fox Hunting

This gem never fails to get the party (soon to be riot) started. This subject attracts perhaps the most frightening people (even more so than death row groupies.) I have personally heard vegetarians and hunt saboteurs admit that when they see people buying meat in supermarkets, that they would like to kill them. Yes you read that correct dear reader. I know its a minority and most veggies are not like this but still, that tiny group among the sane ones is pretty scary.

3. God & Religion

These should really be at the top of the list seeing as religion could be blamed for the most carnage and destruction that has befallen the world. 'My God is better than your God!' Shout some. 'There is NO God!' Yell others. Result? World in near ruin.
It is for this precise reason that I believe God to be a freshwater Pike with a stammer called William.

4. Abortion

Fancy a scrap? Abortion is pretty handy with its 'fists'. Occasionally this subject gets thrown into the death penalty debate and things really get steamy. Perhaps steamy is not the right word to describe the chaos. Try CRITICAL with a smidge of MELTDOWN on the side.
Humans are oh so much fun when they bicker.

5. World War II

A lighter one to complete the top five. Mention the second big dust up that was WWII to some Americans and they will insist they won it all on their lonesome; they saved Britain from invasion, won in North Africa and single handedly saved Europe. Only they didn't and to be fair most Americans know that it was combined courage, brilliance and heroism that saved the day. But its funny to watch those small few who think otherwise, puff out their chests like horny roosters in an attempt to play the ultimate superhero.
My personal theory why this happens is that the United States is still a young country without the ancient and medieval history of most others, and therefore needs to try and claim huge victories/historical events to be on the same 'level' as the rest. But like I say, its only a few and this subject isn't nearly as explosive as the previous ones.

Close but no cigar ~

Sports teams

These are quite ofen vulgar affairs and can quickly dissolve into racist attacks (usually amongst the football crowd.) Best avoided.

Racism

The knuckle draggers paradise! Thankfully due to most people growing up and mending their warped attitued toward peoples of different coloured skin and cultures, this subject really belongs in the past and is rarely (if ever) argued among civil human beings. Proof that humans are able to evolve when they want to.

Movie Watch 2010

In the 1980's the slasher/horror films were big. In the 90's it was Quentin Tarantino action and serious films like Speilberg's brilliant Schindler's List that were popular. In the 00's (noughties?) however, the movie going public seems to have fallen in love with films aimed at children. Check out the top ten below:

Highest-grossing films of 2010 (as of December 15, 2010) ~

1. Toy Story 3
2. Alice in Wonderland
3. Inception
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
5. Shrek Forever After
6. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
7. Iron Man 2
8. Despicable Me
9. Clash of the Titans
10. How to Train Your Dragon

Santa Claus Is Definately Coming to Town

After 39 years on this often dark and miserable planet I hereby freely admit that I still believe in Father Christmas. Who the hell would want to be the type who didn't believe in the jolly fellow? Only the bitter, curmudgeonly sorts with less imagination than a goldfish, thats who. The boring type who sneer at those who believe in an afterlife and try to mock with blunt words. Pish to them I say, they have earned their place in the kingdom of BORE.
For myself, Santa is quite real. I will be listening out for the sound of bells in the night sky come Christmas eve and tracking him via the wonders of the internet to see where he is. I will become the seven year old boy I used to be and revive the thrill and excitement which used to have me near to bursting in those early years.
The magic can never be lost if one lets go of the adult and embraces the child within each of us. Let go of the supposedly sensible thoughts which grown ups love to use to ruin things and simply BELIEVE!


He is coming to a chimney near YOU

This is made easier if you have children or grandchildren around, get in tune with them, feed off their thrilled spirits. The festive spell will feel so so much better if you do, for both you and your children. Getting lost in the world of Santa Claus, tinsel and flying reindeers is infectious and spreads like a merry flu, which rather than spreading illness, spreads joy and happiness to all.
Trust me, its better than playing the 'grown up' or attempting to bury your head in a Christmas pudding until it all blows over. That sort of attitude attracts nothing but bitterness (even envy) and bring one nothing but foul fogs in the mind. I have to admit to being tempted in this way of thinking myself but mercifully the child in me (who has always been bigger than the man) has always won through and made Christmasses as fabulous and magical as they ought to be.
And now I have become a father to a beautiful daughter, this Christmas is going to be extra EXTRA special. Elwen might be too young to appreciate it this year but she has made my excitement rocket to grand new heights! I am going to indulge as I have never indulged before ~ sing carols, gaze at the lighted tree, pull crackers, leave stockings out and keep an eye on the fireplace. I urge everyone to do the same. Nadolig Llawen ~ Merry Christmas dear readers!

Not All That Glitters Is Gaming Gold

There are going to be quite a few miserable young faces on Christmas morning. And the reason will not be the fact that Grandad has broken wind yet again or the shortage of batteries. (Although Grandpa might let a sly one off depending on the sprouts.) No, the pouting chopses will be because of videogames. Or rather because Mummy and Daddy thought they knew better and chose the games themselves resulting in wee Jimmy/Jenny unwrapping a stinker left by Santa under the tree. (Not the type Grandad usually leaves behind either.)


But Mummy said 'Sonic Black Ops ~ The Hunt for Mario' was cool..

As a regular visitor to game stores I see it all the time, parents and grandparents with no clue, heading straight for the best sellers simply on the strength of seeing some half assed advert of the game inbetween Coronation Street. Or because its the game of a recent blockbuster movie, which as everyone knows by now (or should) is always tripe. And it gets worse during the Silly Season.
Now im not saying everybody should have an encyclopedic knowledge of videogames. Thats silly. But children and young adults generally DO have that knowledge so ~ WHY NOT ASK THEM? Instead of listening to what adverts tell you to buy? *Newsflash* Those adverts are made and paid for by the games makers, they are obviously going to shower them with praise. Don't be fooled or sucked in, or else tears around the Christmas turkey will be the order of the day so you'll be cancelling that sherry with Queenie's speech.
Just because the latest war fest has been hyped to the eyeballs and news of sales are making the headlines, doen't necessarily mean the game is any good. For example the movie Avatar ~ media raved about it but it was ultimately *censored*
So listen to your little darlings. There is much danger (not to mention pouting) in choosing titles yourself if you're not a games fan. Some crafty games companies (albeit the less reputable types) will deceive the clueless shopper by releasing a less than average game in the same genre as a highly successful one and give it a similar title. Many a doting granny has fallen for that trick over the years.
Anyway if you insist on suprising wee Jimmy/Jenny on Christmas morning then allow me to at least point you in the direction of some good videogames, which while not having been plastered all over your favourite soap opera will nevertheless give hours of happiness to your little loved one and avoid the embarrassing moment when you watch wee Jimmy/Jenny unwrap your special gift, only to see their face drop for a second before recovering enough to tell you 'its wonderful!' And proceed to play the game for ten minutes until you leave then never touch it again. It happens. A lot.
So here goes ~

1. Mass Effect 2 2. Hydro Hurricane Thunder 3. Castlevania: Lord of Shadows 4. Vanquish 5. Donkey Kong Country Returns

Any one of these titles will produce no end of smiles and thrills, and are actually better (and cheaper) than a lot of titles in the charts, due to the overwhelming amount of sludge which seeps onto the shelves at this time of year.
Do yourselves a huge favour dear reader and take heed. Wee Jimmy/Jenny will love you even more for it. Merry Christmas!

Candy Eyed

Am I the only person baffled by contact lenses? Give me good old fashioned spectacles any day of the week. Before I go on let me just say I don't mean for eyesight; this is purely about looks because I am a shallow male and looks are all that matters. Laughs out loud.
I find women all the more attractive wearing them and its probaby due to the raunchy scenes which feature them. You know the ones im talking about; seemingly plain looking librarian wearing glasses and her hair bunched up when suddenly in a moment of wild abandonment she lets her golden hair tumble onto her smooth shoulders and pulls those glasses slightly down to peer over, teasing. Similar to this picture.


A classic look

Not wanting to wax lyrical about specs (but going to anyway,) they are like altars to the eyes. Glass steps to kneel on and give thanks. They make a person look infinately more interesting and make contact lenses very vulgar, as if the wearer is snootily telling the world, 'I don't wear glasses! Sniff!'
Of course some prefer the lenses and thats fine, its just they don't have the 'sexiness' of glasses. Also there's not much chance of a seductive scene when you are plunging two pieces of what look like glass into your eyeballs. Now, where's that librarian gone?

Gizzards and Other Delights

White meats have never much appealed to me. I find chicken and turkey breast to be utterly bland and if I must eat them prefer the darker pieces, the bits most people discard (or give to Fido.) And when dining on our feathered friends (friends until they hit the pot) I go for goose, duck or pheasant. I find little flavour in those that cluck, apart from the skin and other small bits.
Giblets too are a firm favourite; mainly the neck, heart, liver and gizzard. I remember watching my grandmother cook them at Christmas when I was young and on being told what they were I immediately wanted to try the neck and thoroughly enjoyed it

Giblets ~ Choice cuts

There is very little left of a bird once I have feasted on it, im like a cross between a vampire and a vulture. I also love the 'Parson's Nose' (also known as Sultan's nose.) This is the fleshy protuberance seen at the posterior/ass of a bird that has been prepared for the oven. Its quite bulbous to look at because it contains the uropygial gland that produces preen oil. Sure its greasy but its a fine morsel, very juicy and one of the first bits I make a grab at when the oven door opens. I could eat a bowl of them.
And now dear reader you will understand why I only lasted little over a year and a half as a vegetarian.

Doomlord

Only a few minutes ago I stumbled across something I had long forgotten. How I tossed it into the back of my scatty memory banks to lose it until now is a mystery because back in the 1980's I loved it. Or HIM to be more precise. His name was Doomlord and he appeared in the classic Eagle comics from 1982 to 1991, having been created by Allan Grant and John Wagner.

His looks are from his fathers side. Probably

Doomlord was a servant of Nox, and his tag was 'master of life, bringer of death!' I lapped it up! (What was also great was that my aunt worked in a newsagents so she used to spoil my brother and myself with as much free comics as we wanted.)
He was an alien who could shape shift and was on earth to judge mankind. If Doomlord judged humanity unfit to care for the planet he would simply destroy it – the billions of innocent human deaths being inconsequential, because 'the fate of the individual is unimportant when the survival of the species is at stake' was what he liked to say.
This guy had cool powers too; the ability to absorb people's memories, skills, and personality, shape-shifting/impersonation, immensly strong, invulnerability and he wore a very cool energiser ring which could do disintegration, levitation, force field and teleportation. (James Bond eat yer heart out!)
A great thing about the comic strip is that real people acted them out and speech bubbles were slapped on the photographs so it wasn't all drawn characters. I remember looking at Mr Doom and being thrilled (and slightly creeped out) at his appearance. And oh how the memories bowled me over when I saw his skeletal chops once again. It was like being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, or a favourite old relative not seen in years. (Albeit looking slightly worse for wear.)
I still think Doomlord looks fabulous and the aged mask only adds more character to him. Now if you'll excuse me, there is an auction site I must visit and I hear can hear the servant of Nox skulking amongst the goodies.

Eat Well Friends

I picked up this lottle gem on my interwebz travel: Eat well every day, embrace the pleasures of the table, and treat yourself to the bounty of life. You never know when your last meal will be.
How true! I have often pondered what delights would be on my last table (morbid tick that I am) but after reading that morsel above I am now going to appreciate what I cook and attempt to cook it better. For we do not know when the mighty scythe will cut us down and plant us in eternity.


One I prepared earlier

Okay there are exceptions to all rules and some people know exactly what they will dine on before death. Condemned inmates for example and maybe the terminally ill but most of us leave the breakfast table not knowing if it was our last meal. We are too busy to stop and think; what WILL be on your last plate?

Leslie Nielsen R.I.P

I was sad to hear that Leslie Nielsen has passed away. He was in a very select group of people who could make me genuinely laugh (it takes a LOT to humour me outside of the morbid) and now that group has gotten smaller. He died from complications from pneumonia at a hospital near his home in Fort Lauderdale, surrounded by his wife, Barbaree and friends. He was 84.

Master of the dead pan

I remember first seeing him, like probably millions of others did, in the comedy Airplane! where he played a doctor. Nobody could touch Leslie when it came to doing dead pan. The next film I saw him in was not a comedy but a horror, Creepshow where he played a killer who drowns a couple. It showed it was not only comedy he was capable of.
Of course movie buffs will know that he also played the lead in The Poseidon Adventure and Forbidden Planet but it was Airplane! and Creepshow where he caught my eye. And the Naked Gun series of films. Who could forget those? Based on the criminally short 1982 series Police Squad! they were slabs of hilarious, comedy GOLD. Need cheering up? Let Detective Frank Drebin on the case and you will soon be lost in peals of uncontrolled laughter. He never fails.
So that is this evenings drinking film sorted out. Airplane! followed by Naked Gun (where I get the chance to not only watch great comedy scenes but also feast my eyes on the beauty that is Priscilla Presley. Bonus!)
On a personal side note I was happy to learn that Leslie's mother was Welsh and that he was a real gentleman in real life.
Rest In Eternal Peace Leslie Nielsen ~ you will continue to make us laugh in this often bitter world you have now left behind.

Oops A Hollywood!

Just finished watching Rambo III as im a huge fan of the 80s action flicks and something caught my eye while scanning the credits. (Too darn full of Thanksgiving dinner to be able to even reach for the remote.)
Now as we all know, in the film Rambo fights with the Taliban against the Russians. But at the end of the film and at the start of the credits, a note rolls up announcing that the movie is dedicated to the brave Taliban fighters of Afghanistan.
Bet whoever had that bright idea wishes they could go back in time.

Revealing My Stocking

Righto, the festive season is almost upon us (it IS upon us according to the shop windows) and I thought it would be time to reveal what I would like to get at the foot of the bed. Or to be more accurate, WHO I would like to unwrap at the foot of the bed. (Or anywhere.) I got this idea from my friend Lesley when she posted a Bon Jovi song on Facebook last night.
So without further ado, let me unveil my dames of honour!

1. Dame Helen Mirren


Is it hot in here?

She might be 65 but this Dame (and a real one to boot!) has been my number one dream lady ever since I saw her in the steamy but brilliant, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover in 1989. Like a fine wine, she gets more delicious with age and is probably looking her finest now in her 65th year. I can honestly say I have never seen a bad photograph of Dame Helen Mirren, she is absolutely perfect. And not only does she have the looks, she can act. I mean really, REALLY act. I love her.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 10/10 Bells-A-Jingling

2. Emily Deschanel


Id go vegan for her

Oh to have the beautiful Emily appear in my Christmas stocking! (Or in her Christmas stocking im easy.) She plays a doctor in popular crime drama Bones, and while she is usually more interested in dead 'patients' she could give me a good going over anytime of the year, not just the Silly Season. Ms Deschanel is a strict vegan and while I will not make any vulgar gags about meat eating, I will say she could turn me vegan whenever she wanted.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

3. Alison King


A real street angel

This seriously hot lady will not be familiar to readers outside of the UK but she plays a boss of an underwear factory in soap opera Coronation Street. Let me just say that id sooner see Alison covered in tinsel than a pine tree. And that smoky, seductive voice of hers sends the rhinos down my tingling spine.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

4. Seka


Platinum bombshell

Seka (or Dorothea Patton to her family) is proof that Virginia has given the world much more than eight US Presidents. I first saw 56 year old Seka in the porno flick Passion Seka in the 80s and was instantly smitten. And much like Helen Mirren above, she has managed to keep hold of her looks. The goose would definately be ignored should Seka/Dorothea ever decide (in my fantasies) to turn up at the foot of my bed.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jingling

5. Serena Williams

Serving all my aces

At a youthful 29 years, Serena is the secomd youngest hottie on my list. Currently ranked at no.4 in ladies tennis, she is one of the few athletes who are able to look strong and intimidating on court while looking both girly and sultry in her leisure time. And yowzer! Those legs! I could lick them day and night. (Steady on - nervous Ed) Another lady who could make my Christmas sherry wait.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jinging

6. Candace Kusculain


Christmas candy

The Walls Of Jericho singer is a true metal gal; attitude, tattoos, flaming red hair, with a voice of growling, hardcore brilliance! You struggle at times to believe that such a powerful voice could lie beneath such a (very) pretty face. An American Dream for sure, and the sizzling type that I wouldn't mind waking up to have. Gorgeous.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

7.Lena Headey


The ideal Queen

I first clapped my drooling eyes on Ms Headey when I saw her play Queen Gorgo in the movie, 300. Amazingly fit looking body, with stony yet beautiful features. Her face says 'dont-f**k-with-me' but is somehow at the same time alluring and oh so fanciable! Im struggling to prevent myself thinking of her in a photo shoot with only Christmas puddings covering her modesty. (Pervert - concerned Ed)

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

8. Sanaa Latham


The only person (apart from Elton) who could make a piano look good

Style, elegance and very lushable (its a Welsh thing) Sannaa Latham has it all. She was the sole reason I watched Alien vs Predator about twenty times and I kept thinking 'who IS that girl?' Thanks to the wonders of teh interwebz I soon found out. Please Santa, deliver me a Sanaa!

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 7½ Bells-A-Jingling
(And im docking half a point purely because I couldn't find much photos)


9. Joanna Lumley

Smoking!

Another lady who could claim her free bus pass, Joanna might be 64 but she still sizzles and is my perfect idea of a sex kitten. Bags of style, blessed with stunning looks and a thoroughly great person in regards to human and animal rights. Ms Lumley supported the Gurkha Justice Campaign, and is considered a "national treasure" of Nepal because of her work. Along with Dame Helen Mirren, she's also a British national treasure too and would definately get my baubels glistening.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

10. Golshifteh Farahani


That legendary Persian beauty

The youngest lady on my list (so far) and what an absolute stunner she is. Golshifteh is a grand example or Persian beauty, boy does get my pulse (among other things) racing. She played a nurse in the 2008 movie, Body Of Lies, and its safe to say that were she at my sickbed I would soon forget about my pains. In fact just thinking about the delectable Ms Farahani in my stocking on Christmas morning has made me forget about my headache.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

Smurfs

The poet's friend

Smurfs have been in my life ever since my late mother used to bribe me with a promise for one each time I had to visit the dentist when I was a boy. They were mostly sold in my villages petrol station (Chiver's Corner, great name) and if I shut my eyes I can still see the glass case the smurfs were displayed in as you walked in to the shop. Wonderful memories!
So anyway, seeing as im a huge retrohead, what better than to start collecting the little blue guys again?

Life Ever After

It annoys me when I listen to some try preaching that dead is dead, and that to them the life after this one is bunkum. To me it illustrates just how little imagination these buffoons have. Now before im accused of being some religious nutjob, let me say nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing as terrible to me as organised religion. I have no time for it and tend to think the church goers are as barmy as the non believers.
My idea of the afterlife is a bit more exciting than the usual old-man-with-a-white-beard version beloved of so many. I like to call it EverWorld (its a hipper word than 'Heaven') and there I like to think its a mix of War Of The Worlds, Planet Of The Apes, Mario Land with a dash of Texas Chainsaw Massacre thrown in. I still keep the rivers of wine idea because that simply is a wonderful thing and even souls need a drop of booze now and then.
Dead is dead is worse than dead itself. Plain boring and only the lowest wit or character would believe it surely?


Eternal paradise? Just up the road on the right

I believe the place where we go after the grave is closer to this one than the one where clouds and harps are popular, and have bits of each of the themes ive mentioned above in it. EverWorld has a human touch; food and drink is definately in abundance, stuff that doesn't reach its sell by date. Im guessing there will things to do also, not work exactly but something where all the spirits contribute otherwise eternity could get ever so tedious.
Neither will it be all peace and goodwill because its through disagreements that solutions are found (even the populace of paradise need to bicker) so its a bop on the head for harmony loving angels im afraid. One simply could not face a forever after agreeing and being charming. That way leads to madness. And severe rash.
As for the idea of there being a hell, then of course an otherworldly punishment exists there but its not damned to burning in pits of molten lava. Its more like a sin bin (only for real SINS) like we have in rugby or ice hockey. Do a little blaspheming or spill an archangel's pint and you spend five years in the bin. And because this is eternity those five years will feel like five minutes. More grievous transgressions equals more time in the bin, in perhaps a less comfortable type of cage.

Eternal suits?

So the next thing is bodies. Do we arrive at the gothic, electric gates in the mess we left earth; bloodied, gasping, diseased and waiting for a new breath? Or do we slip into our new and improved form as soon as the line goes flat? In my mind the former makes more sense because if we were able to just shake off the ravages of our previous, useless bodies and be instantly healed from whatever fatal strike finished us (on earth) then it leaves no hope of getting the soul to repent their mortal wrongdoings. Why should they? They are transformed. On the other hand if we remain in our crushed, wheezing shells on admittance into EverWorld then chance of genuine regret and repentance exists.
To sum it up we would be angels (not the feathery-keen-on-harps type) infused with electricity and buzzing like eagles hooked up to a power grid. Perhaps similar to the image above. Immortal but not invincible until sins on earth are truly atoned.
So that, in a fashion, is that. My vision or idea of Life Everafter. Its more imaginative than just looking into a gravelly pit and slightly more cooler than clouds and hymns. And the truly great thing about all this is I could very well be right!

The Route To Gin Lane

Below is my favourite part of the book Jack Sheppard. Mrs Sheppard has become a widow due the hanging of her husband Jack ~

'One nail drives out another, ts true, but the worst nail you can employ is a coffin nail. Gin lane's the nearest road to the churchyard.'
'It may be; but if it shortens the distance and lightens the journey, I care not,' retorted the widow, who seemed by this reproach to be roused into sudden eloquence. 'To those who, like me, have never been able to get out of the dark and dreary paths of life, the grave is indeed a refuge, and the sooner they reach it the better. The spirit I drink maybe poison - it may kill me - perhaps it IS killing me: - but so would hunger, cold, misery - so would my own thoughts. I should have gone mad without it.
Gin is the poor man's friend - his sole set off against the rich man's luxury. It comforts him when he is most forlorn. It may be treacherous, it may lay up a store of future woe; but it ensures present happiness, and that is sufficient. When I have traversed the streets a houseless wanderer, driven with curses from every door where I have solicited alms, and with blows from every gateway where I have sought shelter - when I have crept into some deserted building, and stretched my weary limbs upon a bulk, in the vain hope of repose - or worse than all, when frenzied with want, I have yielded to horrible temptation, and earned a meal in the only way I could earn one - when I have felt, at times like these, my heart sink within me, I have drunk of this drink, and have at once forgotten my cares, my poverty, my guilt.
Old thoughts, old feelings, old faces, and old scenes have returned to me, and I have fancied myself happy - as happy as I am now.'
And she burst into a wild, hysterical laugh.
'Poor creature!' ejaculated Wood. 'Do you call this frantic glee happiness!'
'Its all the happiness I have known for years,' returned the widow, becoming suddenly calm, 'and its short lived enough, as you perceive. I tell you what, Mr. Wood,' she added, in a hollow voice, and with a ghastly look, 'gin may bring ruin; but as long as poverty, vice, and ill usage exist, it will be drunk.'

Killing Tobacco

It would seem that quitting smoking is big buisness. There are gums, lozenges, nicotine patches, helplines and all manner of therapies to help the cigarette smoker give up the weed. And there are literally HUNDREDS of online sites dedicated to 'stubbing it out.' But is all this stuff needed? I was a smoker, and a dedicated one at that. I LOVED cigarettes and even took a pack into the bath with me, in case of any sudden cravings. (Plus I thought it was the height of bohemia to be smoking during a soak in the tub.) The only time I disliked smoking was when I was indulging in another favourite vice; alcohol. Others like to partner cigarettes with booze but for me it was a foul mix.
Back in 2004 however, I decided to quit smoking. Not for health or financial reasons, I wanted to stop because the habit was getting in the way of my drinking. I used to drink pretty often (still do in fact) and couldn't stand the combination of tobacco and alcohol together so the cancer sticks had to go.

Easy as ABC

Granted I did use nicotine gum to help ease the withdrawals but I only ever used two packets of the stuff, after that it was plain sailing. Yes you read that correct dear reader, giving up smoking was easy, at least it was for me. Does this mean I have an iron will? Was I truly addicted to nicotine? (Is anyone?)
Obviously the answer must be YES to both; I have successfully pulled myself from alcoholism to be able to drink now without a problem and there is no doubt that nicotine is addictive. But how addictive is it? Is nicotine really as powerful as these help sites make out? Im not convinced it is.
When I quit puffing on October 15, 2004, I stayed QUIT. I never once slipped to return to cigarettes. Sure I dreamt about doing it (I think most ex smokers have the 'smoking dreams') but I did not miss it one bit. Not the lighting up, the taste or the ritual of smoking - first ciggie of the day with tea. Everything disappeared and it was like I had never smoked.
Certainly the habit is persistent, and it has a powerful grip on people but I cannot help being amazed at just how bad or potent some believe it to be. And allow me to repeat myself; I LOVED to smoke and was as unwilling to quit in my twenties as the most stubborn smoker is. There was no way it was going to happen. Or so I believed back then.
So if I, a smoker who enjoyed a ciggie as much as I enjoy a drink (but not together,) can kick it into touch, why on earth do others find it so difficult? Why do they need support sites and phonelines to help get them past a craving? Is it because their hearts are simply not in it? If thats the case, why bother attempting to quit at all? Afterall if your hearts not into it then puff to oblivion and be damned.
I fail to see how it is such a big hurdle. Smoking isn't like cocaine or whisky, or valium or amphetamine. So what is there to miss when you give up? The first cigarette might provide a tiny 'high' but the ones which follow don't. It really is money down the drain with only scabby lungs to show for it. (Many would argue its the same with drink and drugs but only by the ones who don't use either.)
Im not telling people they should quit the smokes, if it makes you happy more power to you. Just pointing out that if and when you do want to ditch the sticks then don't be put off by stories of 'terrible' withdrawal or the 'agony' of cold turkey. Those are the drama queens speaking ~ take it from me, its a piece of cake.

Let 'Em Eat Rope

This is not another piece where I swear the merits (even virtues) of the death penalty. Everyone by now knows that I believe in nothing else but DEATH for murderers so there is little point dredging up that severely flogged horse. (If ever a horse deserved being put out to stud, it is this knackered mule.)
This is about the METHOD used, or not being used as is more and more becoming the way. Back when Britain hanged its killers (instead of letting them loose to cause more mayhem after a paltry sentence as we seem to do now) the sole method was 'hanged by the neck until you are dead.' We were damned effective at it too with executioners like the great Pierrepoint, getting the condemned from his/her cell to the scaffold and hung in a mere 7 seconds. No last family visits or television interviews from death row, or a soft media attempting to show the killer in a forgiving light. No hoo-ha or trumpeting and releasing of the inmates last meal.
And without the circus, or more to the point without having a choice of different methods, the criminals went swifly to meet their punishment. Fast forward to today, if we look at the United States we see that this is not now the case. There the murderer is allowed appeal after appeal and can halt their date with death with the smallest of details. Today (26th October, 2010) is a perfect example. A brutal killer was due to die but now a judge in has blocked the scheduled execution saying 'more time is needed to consider the inmate's challenge of the state's use of a knockout drug from an unidentified source.'
Now I am not going to sit here and scoff at America's justice system and pick faults with it because that would be ridiculous coming from someone living in a place like Britain. I wish ALL the US States were like Texas who have no hesitation in putting murderers in their rightful place (ie the grave.) However the process could and should be less of a hassle and if it were then even more inmates would be pushing up daffodils.
It all got messy when people decided they wanted to be more 'humane' in putting the condemned to death. Other methods than the noose were looked into all in the eagerness to sanitise the death penalty.

Step this way

First up was the electric chair and while 'Old Sparky' was accepted after a shaky start (and is now an American icon) still it wasn't enough. Gas chambers were also popular for a time but were soon relegated when lethal injection arrived in prison death chambers. Ah lethal injection! Now this sounded like the deal maker, just what the public wanted to satisfy their need for justice, while at the same time making the execution method look no worse than visiting the dentist.
So in came the chemicals (sodium thiopental, pancuronium and potassium chloride) to wash the States hands of the more violent noose or chair. And now it has been reduced to one chemical (sodium thiopental) to put the inmate in his rightful place. (Im using the masculine 'his' purely because more men are put to death than women, at least in America.)
All this has played straight into the hands of the criminal because the more 'fiddly' the method, the more chance it has of breaching one of the prisoners rights. They can argue that the chemicals take too long to act or that they are allergic to them, and even make the case that lethal injection would be impossible due to prolonged drug abuse while in the free world. There are a whole manner of ways and exscuses to delay getting the fatal jab and sometimes avoid receiving it all .
I cannot help to think that the United States would have done well to stick to Great Britains near (not total) flawless method. Heck even the firing squad (which don't forget America also employed) had less things to go wrong than the needle. But let us not stray off the point and argue effectiveness. The simple fact of the matter is that every country which still sentences its murderers to death ought to use the gallows. It serves two important uses, namely that it is both swift in dealing out death and shows the rest of the world that YES death is on offer for perpetrators of violent crimes and NO we don't care a damn who knows it.
It is honest and upfront and far better than skulking behind curtains trying to dig for a useable vein because doing it that way only makes the watching world believe that while death is on the books, it is not truly comfortable in actually carrying the sentence out.
I for one am convinced that should it carry on like it is now then executions will become a thing of the past and when that happens all is lost. The way forward is erecting scaffolds and not being afraid of doing so. They needn't be public, just the knowledge they are used would be sufficient. A simple ONE WAY exit to the trapdoor without all this faffing around with different methods and chemicals. Doing it that way is sure way to get sidetracked and lose grip on the law.

Rattlesnakes Of Sunset Strip

1980's Los Angeles spawned a slew of great rock/metal bands, from thrash metal to hard rock. It must have been a f**king amazing scene to have been mixed up in if you had the good fortune to live there at the time.
Even before rock music claimed it, Sunset Strip had been a gltzy, glamorous place in the 1930s, 40s and 50s. There was the 'Gardens Of Allah' apartments where writers including Dorothy Parker and F.Scott Fitzgerald had lived. Make no mistake, the Strip has been the favoured haunt of many artists. One could say it was a cradle of creativity when it was in its prime.
But lets go to the 80's when rock and metal was king. If you were in a band, Sunset Strip was THE place to get noticed and make a name for yourself. Everyone from Van Halen to Guns N' Roses strutted their stuff there and hung out but for me, a young 10 year old living on the other side of the world in Wales, one band stood out. One group grabbed my attention with their wild image (which I thought was utterly beautiful) and rock/metal/punky sound and that was the awesome Motley Crue.
It must be said I loved them as soon as I clapped eyes on them, which would have been after the release of Shout At The Devil in 1983. I bought it on cassette (Cd's were a way off) and it was the cover design that first pulled me in. The flames behind Mick Mars, Nikki's wild hair underlined by those now famous thick, black lines under his eyes, Tommy staring defiantly like he was on a mission and Vince with his blonde good looks resembling a rock n' roll angel come to preach the virtues of sin. And it only got better once you pressed PLAY. I remember sitting up way past bedtime on school nights, listening to Shout At The Devil back to back on a Walkman (they were new then too) and playing 'air drums' while sitting up in bed in the dark. It a wonder I awoke for school at all.


Kickstarted my rebel heart

By the time Theatre Of Pain was released in '85 I was a total Crue head, filling my school books with scrawls of glittery pentagrams and Motley song titles. Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Kiss and Ozzy were there too of course but these dudes from Los Angeles filled with hedonistic attitudes and dangerous 'recreational pursuits' moved into a space in my heart that they occupy to this day. In hindsight I was a pretty wreckless, bratty kid myself so its little wonder they clicked with me and as I myself went on to live a life near the edge Motley were the perfect soundtrack.
Come to think about it the band released a few albums at important times of my life; the awesome Girls, Girls, Girls arrived in 1987 just as I was leaving school and 1989's Dr. Feelgood when I entered into my first 'serious' relationship with a girl. By then I was a huge fan, almost to the point of obssession. (Motley Crue and Slayer will always be the biggest bands in my life. Different sounds, same F**K You aggression.) I could draw Motley tee shirt designs using free hand and without looking at the picture. I knew them all by heart.
The bands debut offering, Too Fast For Love, I got around the same time I picked up Dr. Feelgood because it was such a hard record to get hold of back then in this tiny part of Wales. You had to go to shops which sold imported records and be grateful when your favourite band turned up.

Number ONE...erm SIXX!

Nevertheless I must be honest in this piece and while my love for the band has never really left me, my enthusiasm did wane and for a few years I did take time out from their music. In 1993 I (along with everyone else) was swept away from the hard rock scene when Nirvana almost single handedly reshaped music. Grunge was in, rock was out and to be fair it was a refreshing blast. So the Crue's 1994 self titled album 'Motley Crue' slid by without me paying it the slightest bit of attention. Ditto to Generation Swine in 1997 and 2000's New Tattoo. I had gone back to my more heavy leanings and bands like Slayer, Pantera, Cannibal Corpse and Crowbar. I don't think I ever read news about Motley Crue or read a story about them during these times (the internet back then not being as popular as now.) They simply slipped off my radar as far as their new stuff was concerned, but of course I still played the early albums.
It wasn't until 2007 (maybe 2006) that my love was rekindled for the Crue. By this time I had moved in to my new house with my wife and we set up a regular internet connection, enabling me to catch up on the recent news and gossip of artists I had grown up listening to. Naturally Motley were one of the first I checked out.
The internet is a Godsend for music fans when I look back to how fans of yesteryear got their information. Now it only takes a few clicks and one is supplied with everything you need to know in a few seconds. And man was I glad to discover that not only were Motley Crue still going (none of them had died yet shock!) but they were still releasing music. From then on my old love resurfaced and I was a re-addicted Crue head!
Online I found out about Nikki's other projects like Brides Of Destruction and the brilliant Sixx A.M. (should being in TWO cool bands be allowed?) and best of all the new Motley Crue album, Saints Of Los Angeles, in 2008. And what a record thats is! There were a few old metal/rock/whatever artists who released CDs in 2008 which managed to recapture the energy and enthusiasm of days of old and Vince and co. were definately among them. Saints went back to being what the Crue are all about; sleazy riffs, balls out attitude, cute imagery and full on rock n' roll. They went back to being the band I remember sitting up all night in dark air drumming to. They were simply Motley f**king Crue ~ the beast that never dies.
Someone really ought to make 'em Saints.

Night Errands

I sit here once again in the killing drifts of very early A.M. (12:20am to be precise) without lights, save one candle, and until ten minutes ago I was content. In fact I was more than content; I was lost in my own world as I roamed the interwebs for morbid chapters of interest, sipping on a chamomile tea. Until my cat, Skyelar, decided I needed a fright (theres a reason they got on so well with witches you know.) She sat up from her spot on the sofa (I prefer the floor myself so we switched places when she moved in) and began staring through the darkness, out into the hall.
Nobody was there of course and all was silent but kitty would not be put off. To her there WAS something out there, which of course made me think there WAS something out there too. And this is when the memory jukebox in my mind selects an article I had read at least fifteen years ago and presses PLAY. It was a piece about ghosts and which animal out of a dog, cat or rat could sense a spiritual presence the most. In turn they are locked in a supposedly haunted room; doggy varely notices a thing (no suprise there), Mr Rat is jittery and seems to be aware of something but moggy is different. The feline KNOWS that he isn't alone (cats know everything) and proceeds to skit all over the room like fat in a frying pan.
It felt like my brain was in competion with Skyelar to see who could scare me most. The black seemed to thicken as both my pet and I peered into its heart and I was quite convinced that at any moment something unpleasant would reveal itself, stepping out of the tarry hall either like Macbeth's ghost or The Wolfman.
We stayed like this for some minutes (it felt much longer) with me turning from the darkness every few seconds to look at the back of my cats head as if willing her to return the look and perhaps admit she was only winding me up. (Yeah yeah, like a cat would ever do that!)
And of course the dark plays tricks with the mind (especially one filled with crazy imagination to begin with) and combined with a silence that is usually reserved for the slumber of the dead, it can create an all too potent mixture. At times I believe it powerful enough to be able to actually pull spirits from their world into ours and give breath to creatures best kept in nightmares.
There was nothing actually in the hall of course, I could have safely got up and allowed myself to be shrouded by the shadows. There was nothing within them, no goblin with cruel eyes and razor fangs, no deathly reaper come to deliver me to the bowels of hell. All that was there was night, evaporating in a million dreams.
Skyelar went back to her pillow, releasing me from the midnight spell.
Looking back on this in the day will be hilarious because light makes even cowards bold abd there are no savage ogres waiting to seize your throat when the sun is up. (Well actually there are but those types are of this world not of the Other World, those silky spectres can only shine and come alive beneath moonlight.)

A Cutlass For Me Jar

This past week I have suffered from a most foul lurgy which sent me into pits of misery. The above title is the first thing that jumped into my head when I was trying to summon up a good description for my ills. Basically I have felt like an empty, delicate shell, shambling around in fear of setting something sharp and dangerous loose inside my soul.
At first I imagined the onset of influenza (as is the way with stupid, mere men) until I put my hand up and settled on the common cold. Day one brought the blocked sinuses and dry throat but there was something else too. Something which raked up and down my spine and attacked the bones like it was trying to tip me into an even more insufferable soup. (This is what had initially gave me the idea 'flu had somehow invaded my already toxic body.) I wished for sleep to bring me safe passage through the worst of it, but predictably no relief arrived with easy slumber.
This would have been Tuesday after swilling the usual grain the evening before, luckily however I no longer suffer hangovers otherwise I would have been in a damned sight sorrier state. Aches aside I decided it was a mere cold so ignored it and carried on with my work. (I have never been a fan of resting in bed to ease illnesses aa a previous hospital stint proved when, even at death's door, I stubbornly refused bed rest in order to wander the corridors looking for places to sneak a quiet smoke.)

Great Britain versus America

Now don't get carried away with the title, im not suggesting a massive dust up between Brits and Americans involving blood and bullets. Im talking about the much less lethal sport events and how we differ in what we enjoy. (Mind you sporting events can turn out pretty lethal in their own way.)
Here in good old Blighty the most popular sports are football (soccer) and cricket, with rugby and perhaps snooker also having a healthy share of fans. Whilst across the pond our American cousins prefer NFL (American football) baseball and basketball. Golf is enjoyed on both sides of the Atlantic but really can't compete with football, British or American.
But there is no avoiding the sporting snobbery which exists between the two countries. Some examples; over here you get people laughing at the MLB (Major Baseball League), calling it 'rounders', or we call the NFL (American football) rugby for softies who have to wear pads and helmets. And don't ask about the ridicule that NASCAR enjoys ('enjoy' probably being not the right word.)
And in the United States cricket is too boring and the five day games are not to their liking. Also soccer is too soft Stateside. (I agree with them there.)
Its great to hear of 'crossover' fans like someone in Arizona loving rugby or someone in Haverfordwest having a baseball fixation. At times the differences in sport make for a successful translation and people simply 'get it.' I myself am a good example because I love a decent hockey match or a quick blast of basketball on a games console. In fact videogames are a great way to introduce people to new sports, it was certainly my gateway into golf, basketball and NFL.
I think the only sport which has been hugely popular in both countries is wrestling and thats more pantomime than real sport. Im not bashing it, im simply saying its not a sport like rugby or NHL.
Its a shame a lot of us will not even attempt to get into a different sport or try to understand them better because if we did the sports would get new fans and more appreciation. Everyone would be a winner. I urge you dear reader to try it sometime. Maybe a Brit can get into baseball or somone in the USA get a taste for darts. It must be so bland being a sporting snob.

I Pledge Allegiance To....Anyone

One of the greatest mysteries of this world has nothing to do with black holes or the undiscovered creatures of the ocean. Its a lot closer to home actually and lies with that horrible sport of football. (Okay it can be any sport but its more prevelent in the game our American cousins like to call 'soccer'.) Football teams to be precise and why people who were not born in say Manchester support that particular team? Why do Welsh people support a team from England? Why do they wear the colours? And why do I care? Well that ones easy - because its annoying!
And I know it shouldn't bother me what other people do and who they support. They're free to support whoever they like and thats quite right, they are. Same as im free to whine like a brat on my own slice of teh interwebz.
Swansea is the nearest 'big' football club to people in Carmarthenshire, yet every day all I see are Chelsea or Manchester United jerseys. Why?? You have no connection with either place if you were not born there so you CANNOT POSSIBLY feel the same emotions when you win or lose that people who were born/live there feel. And I know this to be true because I used to 'support' the Colorado Avalanche ice hockey team but it was an empty support so I quit.


real Scarlet runs in my blood

The only sporting team I have ever REALLY supported and FELT passionate about is the Scarlets rugby team and im proud of the fact I attended Stradey comprehensive school which was just across the road from the legendary Stradey Park, the Scarlets former ground before the move to Parc Y Scarlets.
I know more than my teams history because I was brought up in Burry Port, a mere 7 miles from the club and I understand its ysbrid (spirit) and the hwyl (cheer) we get everytime we score a winning try. When old players like the late, great Ray Gravell or others write books about the Scarlets I know all of the in jokes and the grounds and pubs they mention. Someone born in Carmarthen but following Aresenal can't say that. For them the support is very distant and they know nothing of the local spirit. Its a hollow thing for sure.
I can't get my head around wanting to support Manchester United and the like, unless of course its purely for glory. And a glory hunter is a sad person. At the end of the day, to someone supporting far away teams, a win or loss is the same thing. Its simply numbers to them. Its probably similar to catching fish only to toss them back.
I fail to see the pleasure in glory only and to grow as a human you need to experience failure and defeat also. Perhaps there lies the answer, those knuckleheads with pot bellies in Manchester shirts who come from the beautiful wilds of Wales haven't grown up yet.

A Two Wheeled Addiction

Before I begin (are you sitting comfortably with a chilled beer?) let me just say that I rarely watch television. If its not sports or decent documentary then im not interested. I can list how many programmes I do watch on one hand; Bones, Coronation Street, Prison Break and er....thats it. Oh and Ice Road Truckers! But now I can add another television MUST WATCH in the form of the fantabulous and most excellent Sons Of Anarchy. Seriously, what a f**king kick ass show!
It first got aired in 2008 but due to hardly bothering with television I missed it. Yes even with all the internet trailers and adverts flying about. I had seen a few photos knocking around and loved the tattoo designs but it wasn't until a few friends on a gaming forum started raving about it that I started to take a serious interest in those guys of SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original.)

Don't mess with these hairy chaps

Sons Of Anarchy (God thats an awesome title) was created by Kurt Sutter and it revolves around the lives of a motorcycle gang (sorry CLUB) who have a hand in various interests like gun running and basically protect the fictional town of Charming in the non fictional California. Protect it from other unsavoury gangs and crooks that is.
The gangs (sorry CLUB) protagonist is Jackson 'Jax' Teller who has read his fathers story (he helped found the club) and is now questioning his role as Vice President and the way SAMCRO is heading. His step-father Clay is the gangs (sorry CLUB) president and he prefers the violent ways to get things done. Its The Sopranos but with less Italian Americans and more tattoos.
And boy does it work! I thought a drama series about hell's angels would be all bar room brawls and rock music, and while theres nothing wrong with that stuff it would make for tedious drama. This is anything but tedious. Its well written, runs at a great pace and the cast is fantastic! I wasn't sure I could believe Katey Sagal as the tough wife and mother of two of the top guys of a motorcycle gang (sorry CLUB) after her stint as Peggy Bundy (Married...With Children) but she is a revelation and plays her part BRILLIANTLY as Gemma Teller Morrow. As does Charlie Hunnam who plays her onscreen son Jax Teller. (I was happy to discover he's British.)
All the cast are wonderful from Ron Perlman's ruthless Clay right down to the shows creator Mr Sutter who plays perma incarcerated Big Otto and seldom does a show get a quality of cast this good.
Oddly enough (and true to my NEED IT NOW nature) I have still not watched an episode on a television channel, I just went and bought Season One on DVD, then as soon as the show got its oily hooks into me (after half hour of the Pilot episode) I rushed out and bought Season Two. I don't think I could stand to watch the episodes once a week on television because they are so gripping and once Ive watched one I NEED to see what comes next. Thats why with the second season im watching first episode, 'Albification' straight through to closing episode, 'Na Triobloidi'. It simply must be done because im greedy when I discover something new that I enjoy and have to have my fixes all in one, juicy go.

The Swinging Man

Oh they hung Hanratty
by the neck 'til he swung dead,
some claim he was an innocent
but the gallows guts were fed.

Supporters included scouse Lennon
and his little yellow wife,
but it was all in vain
and to the noose James gave his life...

@Steven Francis poems 2010

Slipper. Sandal. Noose.

One of my quirky little dislikes are slippers and sandals. I cringe (yes really) whenever I see people wearing them. Weird huh? It must be one of my highest ranking strange dislikes, but its a very real one let me tell you. Its been with me ever since I can remember; Id go into newspaper shops to get mints on the way to school and if I spotted anyone in the shop wearing slippers (which was quite often being it was only 7.30am) I would shrivel my snout up and think 'urgh!'
And I think sandals are even worse. They truly are the devil's footwear, which is ironic really as its Jesus who is famed for sandal wear and I see Satan as more of a cowboy boot fan. Summertime on a beach was 'interesting' for me; watching all kinds of foul sandal designs being paraded by pot bellied men with labradors. Or hippy looking women in plait skirts and pearl bangles.
The simple fact of the matter is, a sandal on her foot can reduce even the worlds most beautiful women into plain old frumps. Katherine Jenkins, Lena Heady, Meryl Streep, Dame Helen Mirren, bombshells all in my eyes but as soon as one of them dips their foot inside a sandal my insatiable desire for them suddenly becomes very sated. Eww ladies (and men) put them away for Heavens sakes! You would look more appealing in saggy tights and a pair of workmen's gumboots.

Calcutta - Red, White and Blue

So the tories pledge to spend more on the armed forces and cut child benefit from 18 to 16? Along with other cuts and 'savings'. And as is the way of political parties the Conservatives blame other parties for the mess Britain is now in.
It never occurs to them (ALL parties) that the United Kingdom has been in decline for YEARS, and the fault is on the greedy plates of the lot of them, no matter what their allegiances. Nevermind about daft sounding things like 'The Big Society' and promising a brighter future (don't they all?) Lets get this country FIXED once again, not rolling along on soundbites and dunderheaded gimmicks.
Cutting help from those who need it and building fantastical (and fairytale) schemes is not any long term help to anyone. We have had these schemes since I finished school over twenty years ago and a lot are in the same place. Britain is quick becoming a mess of a country where we employ yoghurt knitters to censor nursery rhymes and pound the drum of political correct while not doing very much for the core of society.
Crime, as I have written elsewhere, is at an alarming high and the ridiculous sentences are only ever going to make the numbers RISE, never lower. Education is a shambles; have you tried getting children today into classic literature? Or ask them to point where Oman is on the map? Even try showing them a picture of Margaret Thatcher and watch the bewilderment in their eyes. Lets be honest here (and I know politicians struggle with that word), if the face you are showing youngsters today hasn't been on dire rubbish like the X Factor or adorned the side of a MacDonalds carton then they will struggle to recognise them.
So never mind with cuts and gimmicks, there are people who genuinely need help in this country and taking from them is the easy way, which in the end solves NOTHING. Crime and education ought to be the first fixed but of course they're much too hard a problem for politicians who are only in their profession to get what they can from it. They serve THEMSELVES, certainly nobody else. Blinding the population with smoke and mirrors, and all that achieves is suffocation and blood.

The River Ryder Splosh

Well here it is, the opening day of the first Ryder Cup in Wales and the rain has stopped play at 10am. Who would have thunk it? The only good thing to report is the fact that Europe are UP in the first few holes. But its a very miserable beginning for us Welsh. First impressions are a huge deal in sporting events (indeed in everything) and I can't help thinking that this near biblical downpour has put a severe dent in our 'Welsh welcome'.
How different it would have been if this had been held in the glorious June we had here in the valleys. Don't forget dear reader, its not only the golf that we have been promoting here, its everything Welsh; our countryside, splendid castles, coastline and wonderful places to visit. Of course it would have been better if everything had been bathed in sunlight rather than grey, soupy rain but on the bright side (no pun intended) we must make the best of it.

*Rain Intermission*

Seven hours later and 5pm, the rain has finally found somewhere else to irritate for now Wales is awash with not glassy puddles but sunlight, blue skies and calm conditions.

A Legend Has Passed

One of Hollywoods greats, Tony Curtis, has passed away aged 85 years old. The Oscar nominated actor had appeared in over 140 films. A sad day indeed for family, friends and his legion of fans. I must admit I was never a huge fan and I have only now discovered that he is the father of Jaime Lee Curtis, but obviously I have heard of the man. Who could not?


Hollywood Heart throb: Tony Curtis

Some of his films included Some Like It Hot with Marilyn Monroe (1959) Spartacus (1960) Goodbye Charlie (1964) and B movie spoof Lobster Man From Mars (1989).
Its strange how a persons death can provoke interest in him/her for surely I will not be the only one who will be checking out Tony Curtis' dvds for what will be in the most part the first time.
Save a barstool for me in that great vineyard in the sky Mr Curtis. At 85 you have run the kind of innings that will be almost impossible foe me. Bravo!

The Not So Great Farmville Trick

By now everyone is on Facebook. Or at least those webbed up to the internet are. (Save the worriers about privacy but even those are slowly coming around to the idea of 'social networking'.) And as such applications and games have also become popular among users. The one most widely used must be Farmville, where players can become digital farmers and grow plants/vegetables, feed animals and live the 'life' of Old MacDonald. (Remember the childrens tune?)
I used to be a fan of it myself and still plant a few green tea seeds whenever I feel Titchmarshy but a darker side to the game has cropped up (pun intended.) It used to be you had a choice whether to part with real cash or not to buy 'special' things and only the truly dedicated ever did. I had a lapse of sanity once and paid a very real £3 for a Christmas snow globe. *slaps wrists*
But now it seems the makers of Farmville (and other games like Frontierville and Cafe World) have upped the ante in attempting to get you to splash your cash by making some objectives impossible to complete without tapping up your credit card. Take buildings for example; you generally need 8 nails, 8 hammers and 8 anything else to build your barn/tavern/brothel (guess which is fake) and you can ask Facebook friends who are neighbours on your farm to send these to you for free. But after having recieved some freebies from your chums those hammers and nails become less and less available thus forcing you spend REAL poundage to acquire a completed barn. And we all know how tempting it is to keep up with the Joneses, even if your 'land' exists only on a computer screen.
Its happened to me when my friends were constructing something and I attempt to gift them paint or a wooden board only to have the paint and boards disappear from my gift list, rendering my help useless. Its very frustrating and a good example of how success can breed greed. I have given up on completing these quests as all they are is an excuse to wangle more dosh out of us.
Not only that the makers of such Facebook games take our personal information from our profiles and who knows where that intel lands up. I for one have been getting an increase in SPAM since adding these games. Time for a clean up methinks. My computer would thank me for this kind act because invariably logging into my virtual farm or cafe results in a programme crash, making me shut everything down.
Sad too because initially I enjoyed tending to my land and animals.

The Only Footballer I Have Time For.....

is David Beckham. As a whole I find football an awful sport, played by pampered, soft mummies boys and watched by thugs and morons. (I concede they're not ALL like that but they do have more than their fair share.) But as a man, I like David Beckham and it angers me to see what looks like people who are lined up to do him and his family great harm.
In recent news we have the story of some Bosnian prostitute (her name escapes me and I wouldn't do her the honour of naming her if I did remember it) who claims to have slept with the L.A. Galaxy footballer with another harlot. Now most sensible people will know this story to be utter garbage and its just another way for some fame hungry fool to have a few minutes in the spotlight, regardless of the hurt it causes to the Beckhams. But are people THAT desperate for fame to want to risk splitting up decent families?
I have nothing but admiration for David Beckham and the obvious love he has for his wife and sons. Are people so jealous of a successful, good looking young man that they feel the need to try and wreck his happiness? Also the guy is a wonderful role model to youngsters who ought to be respected. Not once has he been pictured rolling out of a nightclub at 5am, or been accused of drug taking or wife beating. (Like others in his profession.)
Of course this isn't the first time people have tried to cash in on the Beckhams fame or accuse them of some wrongdoing. Its like it doesn't matter how good a family man you are, there will always be spiteful and greedy losers who try to ruin everything. But the whores and lowlifes won't hang around forever because scum has no substance and is generally washed away by decency.

Ryder Cup 2010 - A First For Wales

Sporting history will be made on friday, 1st October, when the Ryder Cup will be played out in Wales. At the Celtic Manor in Newport to be exact. Europe, captained by Colin Montgomerie, will take on the might of the Americans who have Corey Pavin at their helm.
For golf fans (and what sensible person isn't a fan?) this is a wonderful event which in the past has had some pretty fine matches. Who can forget The Battle of Brookline in 1999 where Europe were leading against the US until the Americans fought back and pulled off a 14 1/2 win over our 13 1/2? Or Europe's stunning victory at Ireland's K Club in 2006 where Europe trampled all over the Americans, beating them 18 1/2 over their 9 1/2?

All behind Monty's boys!

The American team have just arrived at Cardiff. (Hope they remembered to pack umbrellas.) I know Wales will not let them down, and we shall be gracious hosts to our guests come victory or defeat. Yes the battle lines will be drawn on the greens and fairways but off course things will be different. And to illustrate this, tonight (Sept 29) at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff there is going to be a 'Ryder Cup Welcome to Wales' Concert that is expected to attract over 30,000 fans and feature our two most famous Katherines - Katherine Jenkins and Catherine Zeta Jones. A welcome in the hillsides indeed!
Come on Wales and Europe, dangos eich ysbrid i enill! (Show your spirit and win!)