The Greatest Movie Quiz. Ever

I love the films of the 1980's and early 90's. Let us see which ones stayed in your Christmas addled brain. There will be music questions too. And DO NOT use Google. Others will not know you have cheated but YOU will and it will make you feel cheap. *Cue Mastermind Theme*

1. Name the operation to take out the undead in Zombie Creeping Flesh?

2. Name of the bar Patrick went to look after in Roadhouse.

3. Who thought he was Nikki Sixx?

4. Inventor of Nintendo's Game & Watch?

5. Which member of 1980's comedy Auf Weidersehen, Pet was in the 1989 movie Batman?



6. In the 1991 film Point Break starring Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves, the bank robbers were called The Ex Presidents. There were four ~ Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and who?

7. What was the name of the badger in 1979 film Tarka the Otter?

8. What colour were Kelly LeBrocks panties in Weird Science?

9. What was the tag line to The Breakfast Club?

10. In American Ninja how does Joe get out of the army base to meet his girl?

1980 Again

I am just settling down with a forty year old whisky for company, to watch The Expendables, a movie I have been waiting to see for a while. Being a massive fan of the 80's action flicks like Rambo and Missing In Action it should suit me down the ground. (Speaking of Missing In Action where the heck is Chuck in this amazing ensemble?)
And boy it sure does!! From the opening shots of red sighted dots aimed right at the idiot terrorist's bonce to dear old Dolph Lundgren's opening salvo, I was hooked. No, not plain hooked, bold letter type hooked. And I don't hang pirates.
Everyone knows what this is; a gang of mostly 1980's action heroes, all joined up to give the baddies a good hiding. And it bluddy works well too! The stars haven't completely fallen apart and the in~jokes (brilliant to 80's movie fans) are totally awesome. Dude.

Dydd Nadolig ~ The Zombie's Festive Day

For those unfortunate people who can't speak Welsh Dydd Nadolig means Christmas day, which it is today of course! So, Nadolig Llawen ~ Feliz Navidad ~ Joyeux Noel ~ Merry Christmas to one and all! And boy does the tree look bare now that we have taken the gifts from under it.
The goose and other fine meats are slowly cooking so i'll take this time to review my loot. Presents, booze and food is all I really care about this time of year. Yeah I suppose I could spare a thought for the homeless and visit a church and what have you but I won't. And I will not lie and say that I do think about that stuff because I don't. (Apart from military stationed in warzones, in which case I certainly do.) Neither will most others I suspect but they would never admit it. Thats my honesty for you. It might be the death of me.
Speaking of Death, I had a lot of zombie themed gifts this year which is nice. A Marathon of Zombie Comics, Xbox 360 gameDead Rising, Judge Dredd vs Judge Death (who is essentially a zombie) and I treated myself to Undead Nightmare, the Red Dead Redemption game add on.

Undead Christmas loot

Christmas Adventures in Pixel City

It is Christmas eve and what better way to wait for the Big Guy in Red to drop by than to fill the day with videogames? Alcohol will be added later on of course, but for now follow me as I charge headlong through bullets and mysteries, zombies and beautiful damsels, in order to save Christmas eve from those pixelated baddies who would have it ruined.
The order of the day ~

1. Outrun

Ah the perfect way to start a session. Sun blistering the tarmac of winding highways, a bouncing, vibrant soundtrack on your Ferrari's sound system and a blonde in the passenger seat ready to praise you after each successful manouvre (in the car of course) and give you a ear bashing whenever you fluff up. Perfect.

2. High Velocity Bowling

Some friendly rivalry between countries via the internet and a mini bowling tournament. This sadly went boobs up after the server crashed. Or got drunk.

3. Zen Pinball

Pinball is great for Christmas eve. Those one-more-go hi scores make time go quicker and should the Bearded One show up during a game you can challenge him! How cool would his name look on the scoretable?

4. Saw II (demo)

I fancied pulling my own eyeball out to give it a polish. Move on, nothing to see here!

5. 1942 Joint Strike

Search the skies for Santa while turning enemy fighter planes into balls of fire, and raining shells upon the tanks and supply trucks below. If the Jolly Fellow fails to turn up at your house later, be comforted to know that he didn't feel a thing.

6. Mafia II

Father Christmas can travel the planet in one night. I on the other cannot, but I am able to time travel. Back into 1950's New York City to chase down and kill a gangster who goes by the un-gangsterish name of 'Porky'.
In real life I have pork cooking in the oven for a Christmas eve feast so the smell as I gun the hapless fatty down in a hail of bullets is in keeping with his nickname. RIP Porkster ~ Death Was Your Santa Claus.

7. Bishi Bashi Special

Nothing like a bit of Japanese madness to get the party started! And there is no better game than this one. Basically Bishi is a ton of mini games, all of which range from standard weird to downright absurd. How about some of these game challenges to let your mind wander:
Shake The Can to Outer Space ~ shake tin, watch go.
Jump for Meat ~ Help the muscled guy on a pogo stick get the ham.
Burst the Balloon ~ Help muscles again, this time pump up a balloon until it blows a living room up.
Uncle Launcher ~ Shoot your uncle from a canon and land him on a giant plate held up by a stone Oriental man in just his pants!?

Game On!

8. Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare

Cowboys! Zombies! Cowboy zombies! Theres no yuletide joy in Blackwater, as the dead seem to have gotten bored of being a dead and are now staggering around the stables and saloon bars, looking for flesh. YOUR flesh.
Its up to former outlaw John Marston to make things safe for Rudolph and friends.

Preludes and Quaaludes

It is Thursday, December 23rd at precisely 4:14pm and this is the bit I enjoy, the eve of the EVE. The warming up. Its like booze, the GETTING drunk is always better than the main event. Or if it were a guillotine session, the drum roll better than the blade dropping.
I always feel a slight sagging on my shoulders on Christmas morning, like the buzz has worn off and the come down begun. And of course it has, Christmas day can be quite a dull affair, puncuated only by a finger scrabbling in the peanut dish, stale cheese and licking the sherry dregs from fragile stemmed glasses. (Or perhaps that last one is just me.)

A typical Christmas eve

Give me the days leading up to Christmas anytime! As I sit here now, pecking out these words, there are carols on the stereo (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen at this current minute,) bottles of whisky, gin, bourbon and rum lined up on a table and the goose is about to be pulled from its frosty nest in the freezer. (The pork and turkey can stay a while longer in the fridge.) I am in a happy place indeed. Anticipation is high.
And thats just it; the anticipation of something (especially as magical as Christmas) can always over power the actual event itself no matter what it is. Many intravenous drug users (including myself in the past) admit that the best part of taking the drug was plunging the needle into the skin. Or watching the drug bubble and cook on the spoon. Ditto sex. The orgasm is second to the sight of a stockinged leg or a tongue rolling on a gin soaked top lip.
Now is the time for indulgence, the time to lay back and soak joy into every greedy pore. Here is where I thrive, in the ghetto of all eves. May it preserve me in oils and fatten my wings to glide me over the ruins which must always follow.

Nadolig Llawen !!

Merry Sixxmas !!

Sexy Comments & Profile Graphics

love Steven!

Adieu Ffrindiau

The year is almost over and we have lost a few good people in 2010. But let us not grieve or dwell in misery! Life is eternal (do I sound vicarish yet?) and we WILL be among these guys in some other, better place. (Hopefully with less wars and free scotch.)

1. Ronnie James Dio (Metal God)~ RIP brother
2. Paul Gray (Slipknot) ~ RIP brother
3. JD Salinger (writer) ~ RIP brother
4. Leslie Nielsen (actor) ~ RIP brother
5. Tony Curtis (actor) ~ RIP brother
6. Dennis Hopper (actor) ~ RIP brother
7. Corey Haim (actor) ~ RIP brother
8. Blake Edwards (director) ~ RIP brother
9. Irvine Kersher (director) ~ RIP brother
10. Gary Coleman (actor) ~ RIP brother
11. Lynne Redgrave (actress) ~ RIP sister
12. Alexander McQueen (fashion designer) ~ RIP brother
13. Bernard Mathews (turkey tycoon) ~ RIP brother
14. Glenn Shaddix (actor) ~ RIP brother

Undead Cool

Zombies. Slow. Brainless. Shuffling messes, devoid of any flicker of emotion. Say what you like about them, they have slowly (its their way) clawed back to being THE coolest horror creations ever. For a while it was werewolves who ruled the monster playground. Until the vampire came along and stole the spotlight with dashing looks and tales of romance, sending women (goths in particular) weak at the knees. The vamps had great PR behind them and seemed to get the best looking men in film/television to portray them.


Do the zombie shuffle!

But now those undead voodoo dancers have returned with a vengeance, leaving all other creeps behind in their fould dust and letting the fanged ones get on with faffing around in poncy looking cloaks and frilly cuffs. Effeminate bunch, vampires.
Of course zombies came to prominence thanks to the 'Grandfather of zombies' George A. Romero and his brilliant films, and now we welcome them again to where they belong, and indeed where they feel the most comfortable, surrounding us with their rotting presence. Recent movies like Zombieland, Dead Sno and Land of the Dead, together with videogames like Dead Rising and Burn! Zombie Burn! Have seen to that. We have seen a kind of 'zombie chic' emerge which prove that however mangled their corpses, or however pungent they smell, those grave dodgers will always be welcome to gnaw their way into our hearts.

Doughnut withdrawal can be fatal

The first time I ever appreciated just how frightening zombies can be was when I played the first three installments of the Resident Evil games. That single minded urge to simply want to feast off your flesh and the slow, shuffling towards you in a dimly lit corridor was very disturbing like a crawling, certain death with sole reason to cruelly rip your organs apart.
Films like Zombie Creeping Flesh and Night of the Living Dead did their best to creep me out, and to an extent they did, but it wasn't until the Playstation arrived where you could actually be 'in' the film/game that the terror truly took off. It was that step closer and anyone who has ever played the Resi Evil games must have felt the same.
Another icky thing about zombies is the fact that they dress like us (obviously because before getting zombified they WERE us) and I don't know about you dear reader but for me there is something utterly disturbing and freaky about that. The clothes give them a normality, human but not quite. They are the last link to how they used to live, a final snapshot of lost lives. Think about it. When you see zombies in film or videogames they are dressed in all manner of things; leisure wear, work clothes (like the police zombie above) and sports kit. Carrying on with life before they were turned into the undead. The viewer knows what job they had, or their hobbies and now its merely a shell.
There is something deliciously horrifying about that.

A Grenade In A Floral Display

If you want to have a heated debate (or fancy starting an online flame war) try these subjects on for size ~

1. Death Penalty

Always a good topic and never fails to send the petticoats flying. (Usually by those who are against it.) This topic (much like the one below) is almost guaranteed to start spiteful and personal insults (with few, not all) on both sides when the debate is over with. It will never be resolved so the human mind reverts to pulling monkey gibs at the opponents. Jolly good fun it is too, when kept in check.

2. Fox Hunting

This gem never fails to get the party (soon to be riot) started. This subject attracts perhaps the most frightening people (even more so than death row groupies.) I have personally heard vegetarians and hunt saboteurs admit that when they see people buying meat in supermarkets, that they would like to kill them. Yes you read that correct dear reader. I know its a minority and most veggies are not like this but still, that tiny group among the sane ones is pretty scary.

3. God & Religion

These should really be at the top of the list seeing as religion could be blamed for the most carnage and destruction that has befallen the world. 'My God is better than your God!' Shout some. 'There is NO God!' Yell others. Result? World in near ruin.
It is for this precise reason that I believe God to be a freshwater Pike with a stammer called William.

4. Abortion

Fancy a scrap? Abortion is pretty handy with its 'fists'. Occasionally this subject gets thrown into the death penalty debate and things really get steamy. Perhaps steamy is not the right word to describe the chaos. Try CRITICAL with a smidge of MELTDOWN on the side.
Humans are oh so much fun when they bicker.

5. World War II

A lighter one to complete the top five. Mention the second big dust up that was WWII to some Americans and they will insist they won it all on their lonesome; they saved Britain from invasion, won in North Africa and single handedly saved Europe. Only they didn't and to be fair most Americans know that it was combined courage, brilliance and heroism that saved the day. But its funny to watch those small few who think otherwise, puff out their chests like horny roosters in an attempt to play the ultimate superhero.
My personal theory why this happens is that the United States is still a young country without the ancient and medieval history of most others, and therefore needs to try and claim huge victories/historical events to be on the same 'level' as the rest. But like I say, its only a few and this subject isn't nearly as explosive as the previous ones.

Close but no cigar ~

Sports teams

These are quite ofen vulgar affairs and can quickly dissolve into racist attacks (usually amongst the football crowd.) Best avoided.

Racism

The knuckle draggers paradise! Thankfully due to most people growing up and mending their warped attitued toward peoples of different coloured skin and cultures, this subject really belongs in the past and is rarely (if ever) argued among civil human beings. Proof that humans are able to evolve when they want to.

Movie Watch 2010

In the 1980's the slasher/horror films were big. In the 90's it was Quentin Tarantino action and serious films like Speilberg's brilliant Schindler's List that were popular. In the 00's (noughties?) however, the movie going public seems to have fallen in love with films aimed at children. Check out the top ten below:

Highest-grossing films of 2010 (as of December 15, 2010) ~

1. Toy Story 3
2. Alice in Wonderland
3. Inception
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
5. Shrek Forever After
6. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
7. Iron Man 2
8. Despicable Me
9. Clash of the Titans
10. How to Train Your Dragon

Santa Claus Is Definately Coming to Town

After 39 years on this often dark and miserable planet I hereby freely admit that I still believe in Father Christmas. Who the hell would want to be the type who didn't believe in the jolly fellow? Only the bitter, curmudgeonly sorts with less imagination than a goldfish, thats who. The boring type who sneer at those who believe in an afterlife and try to mock with blunt words. Pish to them I say, they have earned their place in the kingdom of BORE.
For myself, Santa is quite real. I will be listening out for the sound of bells in the night sky come Christmas eve and tracking him via the wonders of the internet to see where he is. I will become the seven year old boy I used to be and revive the thrill and excitement which used to have me near to bursting in those early years.
The magic can never be lost if one lets go of the adult and embraces the child within each of us. Let go of the supposedly sensible thoughts which grown ups love to use to ruin things and simply BELIEVE!


He is coming to a chimney near YOU

This is made easier if you have children or grandchildren around, get in tune with them, feed off their thrilled spirits. The festive spell will feel so so much better if you do, for both you and your children. Getting lost in the world of Santa Claus, tinsel and flying reindeers is infectious and spreads like a merry flu, which rather than spreading illness, spreads joy and happiness to all.
Trust me, its better than playing the 'grown up' or attempting to bury your head in a Christmas pudding until it all blows over. That sort of attitude attracts nothing but bitterness (even envy) and bring one nothing but foul fogs in the mind. I have to admit to being tempted in this way of thinking myself but mercifully the child in me (who has always been bigger than the man) has always won through and made Christmasses as fabulous and magical as they ought to be.
And now I have become a father to a beautiful daughter, this Christmas is going to be extra EXTRA special. Elwen might be too young to appreciate it this year but she has made my excitement rocket to grand new heights! I am going to indulge as I have never indulged before ~ sing carols, gaze at the lighted tree, pull crackers, leave stockings out and keep an eye on the fireplace. I urge everyone to do the same. Nadolig Llawen ~ Merry Christmas dear readers!

Not All That Glitters Is Gaming Gold

There are going to be quite a few miserable young faces on Christmas morning. And the reason will not be the fact that Grandad has broken wind yet again or the shortage of batteries. (Although Grandpa might let a sly one off depending on the sprouts.) No, the pouting chopses will be because of videogames. Or rather because Mummy and Daddy thought they knew better and chose the games themselves resulting in wee Jimmy/Jenny unwrapping a stinker left by Santa under the tree. (Not the type Grandad usually leaves behind either.)


But Mummy said 'Sonic Black Ops ~ The Hunt for Mario' was cool..

As a regular visitor to game stores I see it all the time, parents and grandparents with no clue, heading straight for the best sellers simply on the strength of seeing some half assed advert of the game inbetween Coronation Street. Or because its the game of a recent blockbuster movie, which as everyone knows by now (or should) is always tripe. And it gets worse during the Silly Season.
Now im not saying everybody should have an encyclopedic knowledge of videogames. Thats silly. But children and young adults generally DO have that knowledge so ~ WHY NOT ASK THEM? Instead of listening to what adverts tell you to buy? *Newsflash* Those adverts are made and paid for by the games makers, they are obviously going to shower them with praise. Don't be fooled or sucked in, or else tears around the Christmas turkey will be the order of the day so you'll be cancelling that sherry with Queenie's speech.
Just because the latest war fest has been hyped to the eyeballs and news of sales are making the headlines, doen't necessarily mean the game is any good. For example the movie Avatar ~ media raved about it but it was ultimately *censored*
So listen to your little darlings. There is much danger (not to mention pouting) in choosing titles yourself if you're not a games fan. Some crafty games companies (albeit the less reputable types) will deceive the clueless shopper by releasing a less than average game in the same genre as a highly successful one and give it a similar title. Many a doting granny has fallen for that trick over the years.
Anyway if you insist on suprising wee Jimmy/Jenny on Christmas morning then allow me to at least point you in the direction of some good videogames, which while not having been plastered all over your favourite soap opera will nevertheless give hours of happiness to your little loved one and avoid the embarrassing moment when you watch wee Jimmy/Jenny unwrap your special gift, only to see their face drop for a second before recovering enough to tell you 'its wonderful!' And proceed to play the game for ten minutes until you leave then never touch it again. It happens. A lot.
So here goes ~

1. Mass Effect 2 2. Hydro Hurricane Thunder 3. Castlevania: Lord of Shadows 4. Vanquish 5. Donkey Kong Country Returns

Any one of these titles will produce no end of smiles and thrills, and are actually better (and cheaper) than a lot of titles in the charts, due to the overwhelming amount of sludge which seeps onto the shelves at this time of year.
Do yourselves a huge favour dear reader and take heed. Wee Jimmy/Jenny will love you even more for it. Merry Christmas!

Candy Eyed

Am I the only person baffled by contact lenses? Give me good old fashioned spectacles any day of the week. Before I go on let me just say I don't mean for eyesight; this is purely about looks because I am a shallow male and looks are all that matters. Laughs out loud.
I find women all the more attractive wearing them and its probaby due to the raunchy scenes which feature them. You know the ones im talking about; seemingly plain looking librarian wearing glasses and her hair bunched up when suddenly in a moment of wild abandonment she lets her golden hair tumble onto her smooth shoulders and pulls those glasses slightly down to peer over, teasing. Similar to this picture.


A classic look

Not wanting to wax lyrical about specs (but going to anyway,) they are like altars to the eyes. Glass steps to kneel on and give thanks. They make a person look infinately more interesting and make contact lenses very vulgar, as if the wearer is snootily telling the world, 'I don't wear glasses! Sniff!'
Of course some prefer the lenses and thats fine, its just they don't have the 'sexiness' of glasses. Also there's not much chance of a seductive scene when you are plunging two pieces of what look like glass into your eyeballs. Now, where's that librarian gone?

Gizzards and Other Delights

White meats have never much appealed to me. I find chicken and turkey breast to be utterly bland and if I must eat them prefer the darker pieces, the bits most people discard (or give to Fido.) And when dining on our feathered friends (friends until they hit the pot) I go for goose, duck or pheasant. I find little flavour in those that cluck, apart from the skin and other small bits.
Giblets too are a firm favourite; mainly the neck, heart, liver and gizzard. I remember watching my grandmother cook them at Christmas when I was young and on being told what they were I immediately wanted to try the neck and thoroughly enjoyed it

Giblets ~ Choice cuts

There is very little left of a bird once I have feasted on it, im like a cross between a vampire and a vulture. I also love the 'Parson's Nose' (also known as Sultan's nose.) This is the fleshy protuberance seen at the posterior/ass of a bird that has been prepared for the oven. Its quite bulbous to look at because it contains the uropygial gland that produces preen oil. Sure its greasy but its a fine morsel, very juicy and one of the first bits I make a grab at when the oven door opens. I could eat a bowl of them.
And now dear reader you will understand why I only lasted little over a year and a half as a vegetarian.

Doomlord

Only a few minutes ago I stumbled across something I had long forgotten. How I tossed it into the back of my scatty memory banks to lose it until now is a mystery because back in the 1980's I loved it. Or HIM to be more precise. His name was Doomlord and he appeared in the classic Eagle comics from 1982 to 1991, having been created by Allan Grant and John Wagner.

His looks are from his fathers side. Probably

Doomlord was a servant of Nox, and his tag was 'master of life, bringer of death!' I lapped it up! (What was also great was that my aunt worked in a newsagents so she used to spoil my brother and myself with as much free comics as we wanted.)
He was an alien who could shape shift and was on earth to judge mankind. If Doomlord judged humanity unfit to care for the planet he would simply destroy it – the billions of innocent human deaths being inconsequential, because 'the fate of the individual is unimportant when the survival of the species is at stake' was what he liked to say.
This guy had cool powers too; the ability to absorb people's memories, skills, and personality, shape-shifting/impersonation, immensly strong, invulnerability and he wore a very cool energiser ring which could do disintegration, levitation, force field and teleportation. (James Bond eat yer heart out!)
A great thing about the comic strip is that real people acted them out and speech bubbles were slapped on the photographs so it wasn't all drawn characters. I remember looking at Mr Doom and being thrilled (and slightly creeped out) at his appearance. And oh how the memories bowled me over when I saw his skeletal chops once again. It was like being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, or a favourite old relative not seen in years. (Albeit looking slightly worse for wear.)
I still think Doomlord looks fabulous and the aged mask only adds more character to him. Now if you'll excuse me, there is an auction site I must visit and I hear can hear the servant of Nox skulking amongst the goodies.

Eat Well Friends

I picked up this lottle gem on my interwebz travel: Eat well every day, embrace the pleasures of the table, and treat yourself to the bounty of life. You never know when your last meal will be.
How true! I have often pondered what delights would be on my last table (morbid tick that I am) but after reading that morsel above I am now going to appreciate what I cook and attempt to cook it better. For we do not know when the mighty scythe will cut us down and plant us in eternity.


One I prepared earlier

Okay there are exceptions to all rules and some people know exactly what they will dine on before death. Condemned inmates for example and maybe the terminally ill but most of us leave the breakfast table not knowing if it was our last meal. We are too busy to stop and think; what WILL be on your last plate?