Friday 30 December 2011

Good End Be Swift

According to some Mayan forecast, 2012 will see the world ending. Planet earth will be no more. It will blow up, disappear into a worm hole, clash with a meteor or whatever happens to doomed planets at their endex. Perhaps God will pop us like a giant bubble wrap? Who knows but would you care? If we knew for certain that we would exist no more in 2012 how would you feel? Would you be afraid, running around in a blind panic or would you be relieved? Hell, everything ends sooner or later.
If it were not for the fact I have just become a father, I would be in the relieved camp. Now don't go presuming im depressed or anything because I can assure you I am not, but I do think the world has evolved about as far as it can go and it is time to give another species a try.

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The future looks....peachy?

The funny thing about humans is we like to think we are all important, above everything and that we deserve to go on forever but the truth is we don't. No, we really don't. mother nature doesn't care about us, she was here way before we dragged our sorry asses from the primordial soup and will be around doing her thang well after we have killed ourselves off. And you know what? She won't even care, not in the slightest, she'll simply carry on, happy being mother nature.
So if 2012 really is then bring it on in all of its apocalyptic glory! Blwyddyn Newydd Da i chi gyd xxXxx

Thursday 29 December 2011

When Cinema Was Ghost and Man Silenced

I don't go to the cinema often (mainly because I regard movies these days as dull as dishwater) but I did go to see United 93 in 2006. Its a film by director Paul Greengrass about the events on board United Airlines Flight 93 when terrorists hijacked it on that horrific day of september 11th, 2001. And im very glad I did watch it in the cinema because it gave me an experience I never had before (or since).
Usually cinema crowds are rowdy with folk rustling crisp packets and taking too many trips to the bathroom (go before the cinema!) but with United 93 it was oh so different. No talking during the film, it was like a library and when it finished the audience was as quiet as the grave. As the movie ended with Flight 93 crashing into a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, it knocked the stuffing out of people. It was like the snap of the gallows when the trapdoor is sprung and everyones spines were jerked into the reality of what happened on 9/11.
People got out of their seats with minimal fuss, stunned into complete silence, and headed for the exits to try and leave death behind on the silver screen where it ought remain. Eventhough humans are essentially made for death, we like to regard ourselves as immortal and want horror to only exist via the clapperboard but United 93 challenged this, telling us like it is; unimaginable tragedy can happen and frequently does.
We walked the cinema aisle quite sobered by the film, immortal no longer but there was something else which felt better than immortality. We felt as one, bonded by the same frailty of life that we fear. The courageous acts depicted in United 93 of citizens fighting back against acts of terrorism had put us in our place. And I have rarely had such an awesome feeling from a film. The feeling that good will always win in the end, just like the hero riding into the sunset.

Wednesday 28 December 2011

Victorian Postage (Christmas Black)

I have had a very old fashioned Christmas, almost Victorian by some standards. Indeed were it not for spinning around the globe via the teh interwebz and tapping out pretty words on my new laptop, it could have been 1850 in my household. Christmas television? I didn't watch it (even missed my usual Corrie). Films? I watched the original King Kong on Christmas day and that was it as far as movies went. I didn't pull a cracker, or stuff my face with mince pies and neither was I eating turkey sandwiches for four days straight after the event. (We have goose as I cannot abide turkey, a dreadfully bland meat if ever there was one).
To be honest I have not felt festive at all, and were it not for family the decorations would have remained in the boxes. I realise I sound like a terrible damp feather but this is how its been this year. Its not been totally 'oubliette fever' of course but the magic spark that used to set me off and get my enthusiasm going has dimmed a wee bit. Might be that I could attribute some of that to losing the person who put me on this earth and who always made Christmas so special, and there is that but I also feel like I have outgrown it too.

Sunday 25 December 2011

Tuesday 13 December 2011

A Sig To Me from Phil

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from a rugby legend

I have met many famous faces on my often boozy travels from rock stars to movie actors but never once have felt inclined to ask for an autograph. I don't do that (mainly because I feel they should be wanting my signature) and neither do I stand with my mouth wide open like a star struck prune. People are people regardless, it matters not to me if you happen to be in the public eye. Basically I couldn't care f**king less. But I do happen to have a signature that I cherish.
It was back in 1999 when I was at death's door (literally) after a drop too much booze and I found myself in Prince Phillip hospital in Llanelli. One day rugby legend Phil Bennett was visiting a member of his family, and seeing as he also knows my family he kindly came over to my bed and wrote those nice words on my poetry notebook in an attempt to cheer me up. (My poetry notepad goes everywhere, even to my deathbed).
Phil played in the great Wales rugby team of the 1970s, and is a genuinely lovely guy, and if you ever read this Phil then yes you did indeed cheer me up at what was a very grim time for me. Diolch yn fawr!

Wednesday 7 December 2011

Porthcawl Mexicans

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The bandits still standing (just)

Porthcawl fair (or Coney Beach Pleasure Park to give it its proper name as it was named after the New York fair on Coney Island) has been around since 1920, offering thrills and cherished memories to countless thousands who would visit the fair every year. Sadly nowadays numbers are in the decline but during the summers of the 1980s Porthcawl was THE place to be.
Schoolchildren and grandmothers alike would look forward to the trip and the delights it held, from donkey rides on the beach to the famous Water Chute ride which was situated at front of the funfair and greeted visitors with the shuddering noise of carts on its wooden frame and great sprays of water that would spill over the plastic glass shelter.
I, and many many others, loved the place. For a child you couldn't not love Porthcawl because it was the place that could make your childish fantasies come alive before your eyes. Wooden roller coasters, ghost trains, the Devil's Dipper (a mix of coaster and ghost train), the Enterprise (think giant bicycle wheel with you on the spokes in a metal seat), amusement arcades, waltzers, dodgems, it never ended. And then there was the food! Like all funfairs, it had a bit of everything from candy hearts to hot dogs but it was the fresh doughnuts and faggots and peas that the fair was famous for.
So many memories nestle in the good parts of my mind; like wanting to be the first to see the Water Chute as the car got closer, and creeping slowly through the Chamber of Horrors where scenes of medieval torture would be lit up in the dark complete with blood curdling noises. Then there was the Funhouse which had an assortment of cool things from crazy mirrors to the steepest and highest slide I have ever seen. There was lots of grazed and bruised flesh after a visit in there.
One of the rides which stands out in my recollections is the 'cowboy ride' which is situated (its still there all these decades on) almost at the back of the fair. Its a childrens ride where a steam train goes around a Wild West themed track complete with saloon bars, cactus and the Mexican bandits you can see in the above photo. (A picture I took on a 2008 visit).
As you can imagine, being a childrens ride its not very exciting and the highlight was going over and under the small bridge in the middle of the track (I had a strange fascination with staring at the ferns which grew under this bridge) but whenever I think of Porthcawl my mind invaiable gets drawn back to this charming little attraction. And there I am once again, 7 years old, holding a quivering candyfloss in one hand and ringing the rusty bell on the trains bare carriage with the other.
And whenever we chugged past those Mexican bandits, my brother and I would try to reach out to try and touch one of them, believing if we did that some sort of magical dust would rub off on us. (Or at least I believed this).
Today if I tried touching those fading bandits, I might expect to be instantly sent back to my childhood, my beard gone along with my tattoos, and the sands golden again with the worlds weight lifted from my heavy shoulders. Those wooden cut outs are a link to my youth, long before the modern engines arrived and burned away the ghosts.

Tuesday 6 December 2011

Bans Will Never Deter

New figures have shown that more than 58,000 motorists with multiple drink-driving convictions are still repeatedly driving while intoxicated. The bans are not working, and in my humble opinion they never will. You see, it takes a 'special' type of person to drink and drive; a special kind of halfwit with not an ounce of consideration for his fellow man and who will carry on being a menace on the roads no matter what the courts throw at them.
If someone is so wreckless that they would be prepared to risk their own lives and the lives of others by driving after a drinking session, they will be well equipped to ignore any driving bans that come their way. These people are devoid of conscience and posses very little morals. Indeed drunk drivers are selfish and dangerous and they need to be punished properly.
My solution is simple: anyone found guilty of killing somebody after getting behind the steering wheel while drunk would be jailed for life. In fact I would probably go a step further and agree with sending them to the gallows. Murder is murder is murder and if I support executing murderers (which I do) then drink~drivers would obviously be candidates for the scaffold.
Just go along with my idea for a minute. Imagine if Britain did hang drink~drivers. Im willing to bet those 58,000 who stick two fingers up at driving bans would soon see the error of their criminal ways. Some readers will think im being too harsh and maybe they are right but you get my meaning. We need stiff sentences to those who drink~drive, not feeble bans. Bans wwill not deter anyone, least not these cretins.

Monday 28 November 2011

How To Kill A Film

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Withnail's reaction

Most people will have seen the British comedy film Withnail & I (1986) which features Richard E. Grant and Paul McCann as boozy out of work actors. Its probably one of the most quoted movies of all time. And it is funny. Or it used to be. I made the mistake of watching it one too many times and now the film is dead for me. Not even Uncle Monty or a Camberwell carrot could help get a chortle out of my laugh box today. Very sad because it is a great film and if you haven't seen it, please check it out. It is hilarious. Sadly however, no longer so for me. *Unhappy Face*
Think i'll join Withnail in the zoo with a bottle wine.

Thursday 24 November 2011

An Agent For The Holidays

Tomorrow it is Thanksgiving Day in America and as an eager participant of over indulgance and alcohol I shall be celebrating with gusto as if the hounds of hell are at my heel. Nevermind that I am Welsh and living in the wilds of West Wales, the turkey will be roasted, the bread sauce whipped and Jagermeister chilled to within an inch of its beautiful life.
November is usually a miserable month in Britain, with its dark early evenings and biting, cold winds so hijacking another countries holiday to brighten up a few days is a much needed boost to the chilled marrow system.
The modern Thanksgiving holiday I understand stemmed from a 1621 celebration at the Plymouth Plantation, where the Plymouth settlers held a harvest feast after a successful growing season, so it might be argued it comes from the British. And as a limey desperate for action I have taken this information as licence to celebrate on turkey flesh and alcohol.
We globally share so many holidays I am suprised we haven't latched on to this one too. Little matter regarding the real meaning as most have abandoned the spirit of other more grand holidays. Halloween has become a gore fest and Christmas long ago been insulted by greed.
Thanksgiving 'feels' like a dressed down version of Christmas from this side of the Atlantic. It is how the Silly Season should be without the silliness and without being bloated to vulgar states. We know of Thanksgiving here and some celebrate it (I cannot be the only one can I?) but we don't laden it with gifts and carols. Of course if I were to skip over the pond it would no doubt feel different but as it is right now, to a writer hammering this out from the lush, green bosom of Wales, it feels right.
Eat, drink and give thanks for Life and a bountiful harvest but forget about the tinsel and gaudy baubels. Who had the Christmas number one song, or gave the biggest gift is neither important or classy. To be blunt they serve only as further proof of how cheap a person is.
It is quite honourable to give thanks to simple things and for one will be in merriment and giving thanks in earnest. It is the only proper thing to do, and one can only hope next months festivities get restored to a more humble level. We are supposedly celebrating the birth of a Saviour afterall. Humans are ever so fallible and often get lost to real meaning and all the cards and glitter in the world won't mean a thing if we forget that.

Happy Thanksgiving all !!
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The Winking Skeever

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The Skeever welcomes you

On my travels through the fabulous Skyrim (and I walk everywhere, no fast travel for my Nord) I found myself in the region of Haafingar, where the capital of Skyrim sits on a giant sea arch; the awesomely (and somewhat eerily) named Solitude. I had been looking forward to visiting this town/city ever since I saw it on the northern part of the map, well away from other habitations but the sheer size and goings on in the game kept me away from heading there straight. Skyrim is massive.
Anyway eventually I did get there (after battling a demented fire mage) and boy what a place it is! This could fast become my favourite city, especially when the first thing I encounter within its high walls are a public execution (see vid below), and the second is a tavern or Inn called The Winking Skeever! (A skeever is like a big rat). Brilliant! I want this place as my local and I'll see you there for a few jugs of Dragon's Breath Mead and a rabbit leg.
Just stay clear of the Radiant Raiment clothes shop, unless you fancy your fashion sense being insulted by three snooty sisters. They came mighty close to being turned into the Triple Sister Supreme kebab, served with melted Eidar Cheese courtesy of my Nordic Cold sword!


Send his soul to Svongarde!

Monday 21 November 2011

Abseil With Entrails is Epic

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Intestinal fun

Machete sure is a creative kinda guy. Being chased and shot at by armed thugs in a hospital? No problem amigo, simply gut one of them with a cranial scalpel and bail out the window whilst clutching the poor sods intestinal tract, using it to abseil to safety! Its the perfect exit if you happen to be a bad ass former Mexican Federale who can crush a mobile phone like it was a paper cup. And I reckon Danny Trejo (who plays said bad ass) could do this in real life too. (Not the entrail abseiling, the crushing phone trick).
Its one of many unforgetable scenes from a movie that is one of THE best action flicks of recent years, and is easily one of my favourite 'drunk films'. (I shall explain what these are in another post).

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The 'anchor'

Sunday 20 November 2011

J.R Reads Dai Jakes

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Dai Jakes Book: Big in Texas

The Walrus Stole My Bicycle

Queen and The Beatles, two of the best known and most successful groups ever to have existed on this crusty old planet. Their combined albums would probably generate enough hit singles to actually power said crusty planet and their live performances are legendary (or so im told.) And yet for all of these successes and glories I am not, or ever have been, a fan.
In fact it goes a little deeper than simply disliking them, I thoroughly detest their music and not a tune I have heard convinces me otherwise. Actually thats wrong, there IS one track by Queen which I don't mind but can't for the life of me remember the title, such is the impact these two acts have on me.
I don't know why but I find the songs childish and listening to an entire album by The Beatles would be a torment for me. In all honesty I would rather suck blisters. In fact I know very little of their songs having never knowingly listened to them but what I have heard ive thought rubbish. And im not saying this to appear different or be a cool kid apart from the masses, I genuinely think the music to be juvenile and in some instances clutching at straws.
On the flip side I do regard Freddie Mercury as one of the best frontmen to have stepped on stage, he had the glamour and a commanding presence which DEMANDED the audience to look at him. A fine voice too and a guy who was destined to be famous doing whatever he chose. The trouble was (for me) that Freddie was in the wrong band. Controversial thing to say to fans of Queen but of course im merely stating my opinion. I would have loved to see him front a band like AC/DC or Whitesnake. (There was another fantastic frontman - Bon Scott.)
The only redeeming feature of The Beatles was George Harrison. I enjoyed his tune about a weeping guitar (however tacky) and the Travelling Willburys were cool but The Beatles left me cold. How Lennon can be called a great songwriter is beyond me. And that Imagine jingle was the biggest pile of rancid phlegm ever to have seeped from a speaker. Drugged and lost in his own pantomime where he thought himself some kind of guru, Lennon was a man who believed everyone loved him. He saw himself as a walking piece of art and im convinced that as soon as he closed the door on the world and retreated to the privacy of his inner sanctum, he laughed at everyone. Thats right, laughed AT his legions of fans. I don't wish to sound heartless but im glad he's not around today.
But enough on the band members, lets look at their music. The reader will have to excuse me not knowing many titles but ones I do know are 'Help' 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' and im struggling now. One about an octopus in the sea, oh yes and a Yellow Submarine! Its all very tiring and there is nothing fantastically creative there, any teenager given enough acid could come up with it. I think a lot of people believe that because its The Beatles then they MUST love them because surely I can't be the only man alive who think they sound like chimps with xylophones?
Nothing they or Queen have written (apart from the nameless Queen song) have ever shaken my spirit and got my foot tapping merrily along. They're just a boring bunch of acts and I will always be STUNNED at how well they both did. Still as the old saying goes, there is none so queer as folk eh Fred?

Tuesday 8 November 2011

What The Doc?

So the good doctor Conrad Murray has been found guilty of the involuntry manslaughter of the 'king of pop' Michael Jackson and faces four years in prison. Naturally Jacksons supporters are over the moon and stood outside the court shouting things like 'burn in hell Murray!' A pox on them all.
Have they forgotten what the singer was suspected of? I for one certainly haven't and I shed no tears from him being where is right now. Good riddance to the creep sez I.
Junkies die every day, its part and parcel of living that way. Doctor Murray wasn't forcing drugs down his 'patients' throat, or jamming them into his arms. Jackson wanted the pills and wanted them so badly that he was paying the physician £93,000 a month to have them. Its been reported that nutty Jacko ordered a four gallon vat of Propofol and if this is true is it any wonder he is dead? Propofol is a very powerful anaesthetic used in operating theaters, hardly a normal sleep aid.
But Michael Jackson was never normal. He wasn't weird in a cool way however, he was weird in a creepy, weak sort of way and if it wasn't for the fact that he was one of the biggest selling artists on the planet, nobody would have wanted anything to do with the man.

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Thriller

Which brings me nicely to the Moonwalkers family. They say now that they love him and miss him, blah, blah, blah but where in the world of Peter Pan were they when he was ill? Anyone with a working pair of eyeballs could see that the man was in a bad way. Why did none of them attempt to intervene and try to arrest his deadly addiction? It goes on all the time with junkies in America im told, yet nobody bothered with Jackson, who was seemingly allowed to consume these narcotics as if he were eating popcorn.
I have been a drug user in the past and to get myself out of it I had to take personal responsibilty for my weakness to get control back.
Evidently nobody wanted this for Michael Jackson. He wanted his drugs and that led to its inevitable conclusion. Which is why if I could wave a magic wand and clear doctor Conrad Murray of any wrong doing, I would.

Thursday 3 November 2011

Tabloid Scroodge

The Sun newspaper has an article in todays issue telling us that 'Christmas dinner with all the trimmings can cost just £2.89 a head — if you trawl six different supermarkets'. Crumbs, I feel as if I should be moving in with Tiny Tim's family! Now forgive me if I sound a little bratty here, im aware the world is in financial turmoil, but isn't this just being miserly? I mean the Silly Season comes but once a year, so shouldn't it be a time when we can forget the misery and woes for a while and splash out on the finer things in life? Do we really need to eat cheap foods all the time? Its Christmas for Heavens sake! Cut loose for a while, we need it!
I haven't got anything against cheap food and supermarket own brands, hell's bells a lot of them are superior to the branded rubbish (who use too much salt), but just this once can't we open our wallets/purses a little wider than usual?

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Christmas cheer: one drumstick each please

One could swear we were living in Third World Britain the way certain parts of the media paint it. Like I said, I know times are hard but surely not so hard we can't push the boat out once a year? Are things really that bad where you can't afford a lavish feast on December 25th? I think some folk kid themselves they are in this situation. (*Some* not all).
Im not a fan of these big family meals where there is 15 to a table and 4 dogs and a cat underneath but I do enjoy seeing the table and fridge groan from the weight of good food come Christmas, and before that Thanksgiving. There is no scrimping and only the best goes into my squealing trolley. The way I look at it is, there is enough money going out on different things throughout the rest of the year so these holidays are a time for me and my loved ones, a time where hard earned money comes to us for a change.
I urge everyone to do the same. We'll keep sane this way and won't fall completely into the depths of despair. Now pass me a cracker, one of those expensive ones which contain iPods and diamond nose studs.

Wednesday 2 November 2011

The Hero Game

With the release of Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception today (and even more truly great titles due this month), the videogame has evolved into something more than just a game. Its been happening for a while of course but with this current crop of new releases, we can safely say that videogames are no longer mere games with hi-scores, they are interactive films, the natural extension of the movie with brilliantly written/scripted stories which contain convincing characters and fabulous looks.
What started in the late seventies/early eighties with the likes of Pac Man, Bombjack, Bubble Bobble, etc, has now turned into a bona fide, fully fledged successor to cinema. The digital tadpole has found its creative legs so to speak and could well sprint past film as the more popular form of entertainment (if it hasn't already). And why not? Its as 'legimate' as the silver screen as ever been.
People want more immersion into stories these days, one only has to look at the popularity of Wii games and 3D movies to see evidence of this. Im not knocking film but the thirst to get more involved is a real one, one that Hollywood cannot quench. We don't want to be swooning over the leading man or lady anymore, we want to be them, want to fire their guns and defeat the arch villain ourselves. The audience is no longer content with leaving it all up to Stallone & Co.

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Nathan doing what he does best

Take last years Western game Red Dead Redemtion for instance. That was more than a videogame, it was an experience. The player actually felt as if they were in their very own Wild West adventure; we hunted animals, rescued damsels in distress, captured wanted men, played poker in typically Texan styled saloon bars. We lived like the games (anti)hero, John Marston lived. It was a hell of a ride and no offence to Josey Wales and all celluloid cowboys, it reached further into the spirit and tickled the emotions much more than a mere film ever could. You see as my fellow countryman, the folk singer Max Boyce would say, "I was there!"
Videogames have been constantly evolving; one of my first 'real life' games was Shenmue on Sega's Dreamcast and it is a title that holds wonderful memories in the games files in my brain. The hi-score table, while still very important to games, isn't everything. Not anymore.
And we have grown up too which makes games even more equal to the big screen. The Playstation 2 had games like The Getaway and today we see the likes of Alan Wake, Heavy Rain and L.A. Noire selling like fresh Welshcakes. All of these have fantastic stories and are produced to the highest quality. Alan Wake plays out exactly like a television series, in fact its impressed myself and others way beyond television. Its brilliant!
I have been saying this for a while now, but movies today have a very short leash. Im not trying to convince you that they are finished, im simply putting videogames in their proper place; equal (but more satisfying) to film. Game on!

Saturday 29 October 2011

Pus, Pus, Pus!

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the infected digit

I have quite a painful infection in my middle finger (see above) which is similar in pain to an ingrown nail. Upon the slightest touch it flares and throbs like a lighthouse flashing in a storm and makes things like peeling potatoes or shaving very awkward. Thankfully it isn't an ingrown nail (I have had and cut one of those out myself in the past), what I have is known as Paronychia, which is a type of abscess that springs upon my fingers from time to time.
One treatment involves placing a 'wick' in the abscess in order for it to drain the gunk inside but there is a less intrusive method; Magnesium Sulfate paste (also known as Epsom salt). Simply put a dollop of it onto the affected digit and you are set to go. (Or rather the pesky infection is). After a few minutes you can actually feel the paste drawing out the pus, and it feels quite good. So good in fact that I actually don't mind the abscess setting up its pusy camp on my finger in the first place! Its definately not painful, not in the slightest.

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My finger gets the paste

After repeated use of the Magnesium Sulfate my finger heals quickly with minimal fuss. Unlike the ingrown nail I once had on my toe, which took months of bathing followed by plenty of vodka and home surgery before it (painfully) packed its bags and left me in peace. (I don't recommend home surgery, its messy and stings a bit).

Wednesday 26 October 2011

Quite Simply....Wales!

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Win for me my boys! Welsh passion bleeds through my fingertips, and weeps into song.

Sunday 23 October 2011

Love Thy Hangover

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And we would never do without them

The question on most folks lips every sunday morning after a night on the sauce is, 'God I feel rough! Why do I keep doing it?' Look around Twitter or Facebook and at least one of your friends will be putting this age old question as their status, while they hurl pretty coloured chunks into the toilet bowl. They will swear with shaking hands over frothing hearts that it will never happen again, that the love affair with alcohol is over, but it never is. And it never will be.
Do you know why? Because its worth it. Yes it is. No matter how long you spend with your nose almost touching the porcelain bowl, and no matter much your tongue feels like six month old roadkill, you will go and get sozzled again. And again after that. It is as inevitable as the dawn. You will deny it only until the pukee scabs wither and die and once they do, its time to ride the brandy again! (Or whatever floats your liver). It doesn't matter if you wake up with Gollum's uglier twin because after your system has kicked Mr Hangovers unsightly butt, you will be fit again to go about turning Gollum's uglier twin into another Johnny Depp lookalike.
Hangovers might sting a little but they are nowhere near miserable enough to dampen the good times that alcohol allow. Its a shame that after years of dedicated drinking, I no longer experience them but I have had some real bad ones in the past. Ive had ones that had me throwing up blood, to ones that have almost tipped my sanity over but my bid for the temperance society only lasted a few days at most.
Humans enjoy purging their bodies from toxins, only to batter their systems again and again with them. The hangover is part of the fun of drinking alcohol and people would miss it if it disappeared. I certainly do. I used to love feeling like death, then slowly feeling my body and soul come together again with the help of my mothers sunday roast dinners and a funny book. (Although to be honest my hangovers would in all liklihood be classed as 'medical emergencies' as I should have been hospitalised more than I actually was).
Mankind is a perverse thing, and feeling rough from booze is all part of the deal of being human. Alcohol gives us too much pleasure, relieves to much stresses for a hangover to be able to threaten any kind of abstinence. And sundays are so eye gougingly boring that we need something to keep us entertained.

Thursday 13 October 2011

100% Wales

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Balchder Cymru!

Wales, Cymru fach, my beautiful country of birth is currently making Welsh rugby history after getting into the semi finals of the 2011 Rugby World Cup. We got through the 'pool of death' unscathed, almost beating the South Africans in the process and we beat a fine Irish side last saturday, (who themselves were playing well in the touranment).
So Ireland, Scotland and England are all out but Wales march onward! And this saturday (15/10/11) we face France, Le Bleus, in what is going to be a great semi final game of rugby. I can feel it in my Dragonbones! Can we do it? We are but one game away from being in the final of a rugby world cup, a mere 80 minutes! Can we do it? I am pretty confident that we can. I believe that my beloved Wales can triumph over the French and meet either New Zealand or Australia in the final. In my Welsh heart of hearts I have faith we will do it! Our team is young, fit and hungry. There is a sharpness to the boys that I can see even from thousands of miles away. It was there when Wales won the 2005/2008 Grandslams and its there again out in New Zealand.
There is a wonderful atmosphere in this country at the moment. Everyone is buzzing with excitement and anticipation of what could be should Wales defeat the 'froggies' this weekend. (And when I say froggies, I mean it only as harmless banter, certainly no disrespect is intended).
Wales the fearless! This is how we have played in this tournament, the youth and fitness making us fear nobody and giving us an edge. When you have youth on your side you will always believe that you are undefeatable of course; the young believe they are all immortal and there is danger in this as much as there is strength because it can lead to recklessness, but we have a few experienced boys in the squad and they will provide the needed discipline. We will be victorious!
And if we aren't? Well then its been a fantastic journey that has put the country in great spirits and Wales will have still proved that once again we are a rugby force to be reckoned with.
And I will say it here and now so that I cannot be accused of jumping on the 'I-knew-Wales-would-win-all-along' bandwagon further on down the winning road. We are going to beat France this saturday and make it to the final. And we can win that too. Cymru Am Byth!

Friday 7 October 2011

I Sat Next To God Today

Some of the media were in full celebrity tongue shaft again yesterday becaue some singer, (her name has honestly slipped my tapping fingers) took the underground tube to her concert in London. One radio station even deemed it important enough to have an hours phone in about it. Yep, you read that right. Here we are on the ten year anniversary of having stormed into Afghanistan and all some channels want to talk about is some airheaded singer who decided to use public transport to her gig. Whoop di doo da! Hold the front page! Whip my bum with Ok! magazine!

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This blog article is dedicated to her

To make it more interesting (im not sure 'interesting' is the correct word here), the station just happened to find a fan who was also on her way to the show, and *takes deep breath* sat right next to her idol! Quick! Pass the smelling salts before I implode all down my trousers!
Is this really newsworthy? Really really with a lemon on top? I know the world (or most of it) is currently obssessed with fame and worship celebrity like it was the Second Coming but even so, to dedicate a whole hour yakking about the fact that some singer (still can't recall the name) took the train to her gig is quite....well it just makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against a wall in frustration.
Thirty years ago this 'story' would have struggled to get more than a paragraphs attention in the papers, let alone get itself prodded for an hour on the radio. Our fault of course, we hang on every word celebrities say as if they have been passed on to them by God and scripted by Moses. (Obvioulsy I don't include myself when I say 'we', because I look at those 'afflicted' with fame in much the same way I look at some hapless sod struck down by ebola or dengue fever).
Oh well, I suppose if its what makes the masses happy, I shall just have to accept it and build the walls of my castle that much thicker to be able to ignore it better. I shall pray to the Holy Pike of Cenarth Falls for all of your televsion addled, earthly souls. The Pike doth bless you all!

Thursday 6 October 2011

The Song Of Heledd

My brothers were killed at a single stroke
defending the poor town of Tern.
The blood on the fields was as common as grass
and the hall of Cynddylan is burned.

** **

Cynddylan would ride into battle and kill.
His heart was as wld as a boar,
the enemy corpses were two layers deep
when my brother he rode out to war.

** **

Cynddylan he rode in a fine purple cloak
and he treated his guests like a lord.
Now his white flesh it lies in a coffin of black,
his life claimed by the vile Saxon hoardes.

** **

Cynddylan will never return to his hall,
it is dark, there's no fire and no bed.
I lie sick and feeble, and stroke the dark hair
that will never grow grey on his head.

written by the Celtic Bards for the Prince of Powys, Cynddylan who died in 655.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

iBerry ~ When Life Gets Too Much

Soon the new iPhone 5 will be launched onto a public, eager for another toy to finger and cool! I like techy toys as much as the next nerd but when will all this end? Or is it at and end already? I mean just what kind of new bells and Apps can be added to mobile phones? I find it hard to believe anyone can muster enough excitement to get them to the phone shop these days because Smartphones are already filled to the pinging gills with everything you need.

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The nuke app proved popular among teenagers

There are Apps for everything! Weather, news, money, temperature, blood pressure, fingernail growth checker, etc etc. (Okay I just made the fingernail app up but it will probably happen soon). What can Apple possibly conjure up for this new cell phone? How can they get better than they are now? Are Apps going to cook us dinner? Hoover the house? I would love one that can clean my deep fat fryer, horrid job!
Also, do we need Smartphones to be our personal assistants? Have our lives become so busy that we need a helping hand? Sure they are convenient and after a shaky start with my Blackberry, im enjoying iits many uses but I highly doubt my life would collapse into a shambles if for some reason mobile phones suddenly disappeared.

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When phones were real phones

I had a brick like that one in the above picture and the only thing you were able to do on it was ring someone. *Shocker* I occasionaly wish for such simple times back again.

Monday 3 October 2011

Remember Meredith Kercher

I was initially tempted to make this a rant for a different site, but having mulled over it with a rare coffee watching the sun rise lazily in the distance, I have decided to remain calm. This is a tragic story where a beautiful, young woman was murdered, and does not deserve to be ranted at and yelled around like those buffoons did last night when the verdict came through. (They had obviously decided to ignore the judge, who said this was not a football match).
Amanda Knox and Raffaele Soliecito were cleared of the murder of Meredith Kercher at around 10pm, monday evening in Italy. Both had spent four years in jail for the crime but are now free to go. A third man, Rudy Guede, is still in prison.
Now let me make this clear; the pair have been found innocent in a court of law and I have no complaint there. Justice would not be served had Knox and Soliecito spent twenty five years behind bars for something they hadn't done. My issue is with the authorites who totally bungled this case and the media who turned it into something similar to a Superbowl.
The televised circus I witnessed whilst sucking on a pint of cider were appalling, with people whooping like they were at a rodeo when the judge announced they were in the clear. I don't mind admitting that it left me feeling sad, awful that Meredith had been completely forgotten in the media storm. Im sorry but this was not the occasion for celebration and the victim became a victim twice over along with her family who are victims for life.

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Meredith ~ never forgotten

Ms Kercher's family has said they feel "back to square one" and my heart genuinely goes out to them. (I feel I must write 'genuine' because ive seen very little genuine support for Meredith during all of this and I have altered my attitude accordingly).
And to add insult to injury, Amanda Knox is set to make a tidy fortune out of it with interviews, book deals and the movie that will no doubt be made (and that I for one will ignore). One US magazine had even paid for a private jet to whisk her off back to Seattle! (Unfortunately her passport has expired so currently she's on her way to London).
I am all in favour of compensating her and her ex boyfiend for what must have been a terrible ordeal, but all of these offers just proves to me how vulgar humnity has become. Meredith Kercher and Amanda Knox were close friends and I am certain that if this is true, the American is hurting over the loss of her friend.
So this is what I would do were I in Knox's shoes ~

1. Accept whatever compensation the Italian courts decide to give her.
2. Give half the book deal and interview money she recieves to Meredith Kercher's family and the other half to victims charities.
3. Avoid the television circuit and attempt to reclaim some form of normality. (Hard I know but doable if she wants it).
4. Never claim to be the victim. Meredith Kercher is the victim.

And most of all never forget Meredith.

Friday 30 September 2011

I ♥ A Little Carnage

When it comes to the world of superheroes/supervillians everyone has their particular favourite. For many its Batman's arch nemesis The Joker, and yes I admit the Clown Prince of Crime is definately in my top 5 too. But he isn't my number one. That honour goes to Carnage who was first featured in the Amazing Spiderman.
So who or what is Carnage? Well to be blunt he is a pure, psychopath, born to killing as I am born to alcoholic froth. His 'host' Kletus Cassidy shoved his own grandmother down the stairs when he was a child. Young Kletus also tortured his pet dog and burnt down the orphanage he was sent to. So 'troubled child' then.
When I say Carnage has a 'host', let me explain: Carny is an alien symbiote who comes from another symbiote, Venom (another of Spidermans villains). And the Carnage symbiote went into Kletus Cassidy's blood when Cassidy was cut in prison, where he had been sent after turning into a serial killer.

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Carnage: truly awesome character design

This crazed, red alien has a twisted philosophy, and believes everybody wants to kill deep down, he just has the guts/nutso streak to actually do it. Carnage doesn't want money or crave power, he simply enjoys killing. He was actually modeled after The Joker, to be a darker version of Venom. Indeed he teamed up with Batty's rictus grinning enemy in Spider-Man and Batman #1.
Carnage has a number of super powers including being able spin webs like Spiderman, and is reported to be double the strength of both the webslinger and Venom. And he has never been afraid of dying. In fact, he has been prepared to face death rather than being made nice!
So why is this Supervillian my favourite? Why have I chosen such an evil character who has a total disregard for human life and lives only for chaos? Well firstly its the way he looks. Carnage is villain perfection to me, looking so utterly vicious, the devil incarnate. The way he has been drawn by artists over the years has been fantastic and he never looks rough in cartoons, stills or videogames. Just really great character design.
Secondly its in his 'psychology'. Most bad guys have a soft side, even Carnage's symbiote 'brother' Venom has morals and can be persuaded to fight for good. Not old Red though! He is heer nastiness, anarchy, chaos, call it what you will, and has no soft side which is very powerful. I also like the fact that one of his powers is he can resist any human disease which makes him beyond the grasp of God to some extent.
He is the ultimate bad boy and there's something I admire about a writer designing a bad guy without a shred of remorse as most cop out when designing villains. And this is why Judge Death is my number two.

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Kletus/Carnage

Thursday 29 September 2011

Wondering Where Meadow Ravens Hang

What I am about to say/write is nothing new, so please don't pin back your earholes completely in anticipation of some world stopping revelation brought by the mucas mind of a dry (today) poet. Its nothing new, and something I have said before but there is grit in my tetchy hub of a mind, making me jumpy and frustrated and I must release the grip of the thumbscrews once again.
Religion. Wherever I end up on the interwebz my shapely ass is blown away by the ignorance and fear a lot of people have for it. Man seems to live just fine and dandy in his own church but step inside the kingdom of faith of another and he crumbles, bleeds like a bald dog before a bear's claws. It is truly a puzzle. Not everyone suffers from this absurd fear of course, a lot get on great with other folk of differing beliefs but for those who are afraid, I am at a loss as to understand why.

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Stepping stones of fear for most

Its been around ever since we thought it was a good idea to have an all knowing, creating, omnipresent deity to fall to our knees to but what the advent of the super highway and it being in my face every single day, its become so tiresome. Who would have imagined that something as invisible as a god, could be so destructive? So dividing and pulling folk apart. Surely this was not the Plan? The capital P plan? The Christians and Muslims are the two who are currently at it with teeth bared and bibles and korans at dawn, fuelled further by the tragic events of 9/11. Here is an example from the world wise web ~ "I can tell you this much, it's not the KKK, Jews, Baptists that are commiting these acts of terrorism against the USA. It's not the Blacks, Mexicans, Japs, etc that are doing it either. It's Muslems, plane and simple." I left the spelling mistakes in to illustrate the typcial type of lazy ass who make these idiotic statements. Its a pretty foul display is it not?
I appreciate the anger but it wasn't Muslims who plotted and carried out this atrocity. It was brainwashed terrorists, and good honest to God *insert favourite God here* Muslims were appalled by the events of 9/11.
But there will always be those with hidden agendas, needing to plant a seed of hate in gullible peoples heads. And then we are left with names like 'ragheads' and 'turbanators', which quite frankly are vulgar in the extreme and not befitting a supposed civilized world. I suppose people need to resort to something, even something as hollow as name calling, when all reason and fight has billowed from their raspy lungs. And by the way, Im not wanting to deny folk their outrage but its often directed in the wrong direction. And also I myself have use the name 'raghead' in weaker moments so im not playing a 'high and mighty' card here.
Personally with all of the battle axes and war cries that have showered this planet since Man was created/hatched/landed, I find little proof today (little not none) of the existence of a God, certainly not enough for me to follow blindly some lines of preachy text on pages of holy books no matter what their faith.
My world is simple, devoid of the stresses others seem to enjoy living on. I actually DO believe in a being who created all of this *lifts a potted cactus* but its something unlike the rest of the pews believe and I have no dislike to anyone purely because of who they pray to. I don't want to bomb them or force my beliefs down their throats. I have no urge to rip up their holy books and call them barbarians. Why? Because their faith differs from mine? Please, move along, I want to talk to the meat not the limpets.
I'll never get this separtist idea of religion, nor do I want to.

Saturday 24 September 2011

Double Death! World Appalled Shocker!

I will make this as brief as I can because my thoughts on the death penalty are well known by now and I have numerous articles in my blogs about the subject. It does get tiresome, even for a morbid old ghoul like me.
Last week (21st September) Georgia executed Troy Davis. (The Lone Star State, Texas, also offed a racist scumbag but due to Mr Davis he was largely forgotten, as racists should be.) And what a circus did it turn out to be! Largely due to the fact that thousands believed Troy to be innocent. The picture below will show how big of a hulabaloo it stirred up.

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A protester in typical pose

Without going into the guilt/innocence issue, this case brought death penalty debates back to the headlines the world over. Even our (UK) radio stations were talking about it, which was interesting as ever since we fell headlong into the European Union's clutches I got the sense that discussing capital punishment was verbotten.
Anyway as usual most of the news (including some US ones) are screaming that execution is a barbaric form of punishment, fit only for the history books and Hollywood. And our lovely British press went along with it.
Excuse me but how Britain and the rest of Europe can slate America is beyond me. (And I am not some blind star spangled supporter who believes nonsense that we were saved by the good ol' US of A in WWII). No this is about Justice, and about how we seem to have binned it while our friends across the Atlantic still believe its actually worth something.
Allow me to make the facts clear, not because I think you dear readers are stupid but to show how good it looks for the United States and how bad it looks for us namby pamby death-is-uncivilsed countries. Imagine both inmates were 100% guilty just for sake of argument. Last wednesday then a racist and a cop killer were put to death in America. They will be no more. They will have no more glimpse of sunshine, or have any feel good endorphins running through their veins on those good days (everyone has good days even in cells). It is at End for these two. There are no more days, good or bad.
Now take a quick imaginary trip over to Britain (imaginary flights are always First Class and theres no jetlag). We are letting murderers and rapists go free after very short sentences almost every other day. One of the 'men' who took part in the murder of Baby Peter is now free after three years and has been pictured by many newspapers (the same ones bleating about the 'barbaric death penalty') wandering in parks, sipping on bottled beer, no care in the world. I believe this cruel thug is only 39, so he has plenty of sunshine left to bask in, plenty of chilled beers to down. For his victim, well Baby Peter's days are no more.
So who are the barbarians here? America? Or Britain (and the rest of the EU)? I would rather have the death of racists and cop killers on my conscience than the death of children and innocence. Sleep easy America and other death penalty countries. Keep a hold of that Justice.

Tuesday 20 September 2011

For The Unlove of Dog

In a country (should that be world?) that loves dogs, I seem to be alone in my dislike of the animals. This is fine of course, it doesn't make me an ogre. Or does it? You see everytime I come out and say that I am not a dog lover (to put it kindly) I feel I have to justify myself in some way. It would be okay if I said I hated rats (beautiful creatures) or sloths but to hate the pooch makes me persona non grata. Its frustrating.
Love your dog, cuddle him/her, take them for walkies and throw sticks for them. Im sure these animals give you immense pleasure and I am truly happy for you, but sorry, I cannot share your obvious joy. To me, dogs are a barking shambles (a description I came up wth many moons ago) and I fnd them miserable beasts that I wish to be a hundred miles from. And this shouldn't make me a pariah. I have no partcular fondness for spiders either but nobody would deny me that dislke.
I am not a seal pup killer, or a barbarian who dines on the blood of innocent virgins. I simply have no love for the dog. Hardly a flogging offence, especially when you consider the poor deal the humble chicken has regarding love for animals. As long as folk have ther chicken nuggets the chickens of this world can peck until the cows come home. Nobody cares.
So please, do not think I am Attila the Hun for not liking Lassie and chums. I can be a good friend too. And I like cats. Peace!

Friday 16 September 2011

Gleision: Two Days Kicked In The Heart

I am still quite emotional so excuse me if these sentences seem thrown all over the page but im writing as the thoughts come to me, not really thinking about what words will come next. The brain has taken a stool in the Numb Saloon and it is my heart that is producing these words you see tumbling out before you like disjointed, dead flies. I will try to relax later and attempt to gather them should they stray off course.
Today has seen the end of a tragic two days at Gleision Colliery, near Pontardawe in the Swansea Valley, with four miners losing their lives and my deepest sympathies go out to their families and many friends who are mourning them as I sit here typing this. In fact I can almost feel the cloud of depression reach me here in the outskirts of Carmarthen (we are only 30 miles or so away from the valleys) and it is blacker outside now at 10pm than it would be on a normal 10pm.
South Wales has more than its share of mining towns and most people will have a relative or three who has worked in a colliery. (Or 'down the pits' as we like to say). My grandfather was a miner who worked for many years in the mines and when something like this happens it is like a kick in the gut for everyone, but this is where the towns spirit will come alive. Everyone will pull together and rally around those who have been affected by the events at the Cilybebyll mine today and eventhough there will be much sadness and heartache over these next weeks and months, there will also be kindness and people ready to be there for those who have lost their loved one.
Things like this always put other things into perspective, they always show others who are going through minor hassles how much of a stupid brat they are being. That frustration towards a mobile phone that ive been trying to fix by smashing in its smug, glassy face is a streak of pisz compared to what has taken place in the Swansea Valleys in these last 48 hours. I should be ashamed to have ever risen to it in the first place, stoopid dog boy that I can be! What the hell is cold tea, broken jars and Japanese electrics when put up against the dying souls of men?

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In memory

I followed this heartbreaking story from the minute it broke on local Welsh news, and sat glued to the radio in deepest hope with every hour that passed. And how much worse it was for families waiting in the community center close to the awful scene.
Four families together enduring unbelievably tough hours; hearts stretched with the agony and strain of being told in the morning that one miner had been found dead, and looking to each other hoping it wasn't theirs but hoping it wasn't the others either. Six hours later being told another body has been recovered and the pain and torture relentlessy continuing, carrying on until it reached its horrendous conclusion that all four had perished. Unimaginable.
Often I looked out over the Carmarthenshire countryside outside my window and asked God to pull these men out of the mines rat black shaft but alas it was not to be.
Words will be little comfort now to those who have lost their loved one because everything is too fresh and raw and terribly painful, but in the coming months the drifts of time will fill those welts of grief. Then death will lose its sombre grip on everything, allowing memories to be visited once more without the bitter stab of loss, for not even death can hold on forever.
In loving memory of Phillip Hill, Charles Breslin, David Powell and Garry Jenkins, rest in peace my Welsh brothers. Hedd Perfaith Hedd.

**** Dim Haul Dros Gleision (No Sun Over Gleision) ****

There was no sun that day
when four miners lights went out for good;
the cave mouth stretched into an endless hymn
as hawks and kinder birds carved the sky
to guide spirits to their rest.
Heroes of an unforgiving underworld,
the earthly tomb,
kingdom of the black.
While I and all of Wales tipped hands to God
four blinded roots were pulled
and the red dragon's one lifted claw
was raised a little higher in honour of the men.
Gartref bois! Home!
From the eyeless santuary of the pit
to the Valleys call,
our father's land
where you will have the symphony of a nation's hearts
to sing you to your rest,

A bydd yr haul ddim farw nawr...
(and the sun won't die now)

@ Steven Francis poems 2011

Swing To Skin

In the news today its been reported that a lot of parents are in favour of letting the cane return to schools, and as someone who has been caned (on more than occasion) I am able to offer a first hand (no pun intended) experience of this type of corporal punishment.
I attended comrehensive school from 1981 to 1988, and corporal punishment was used freely for 6 of those years. You could be caned for any number of different offences, and they didn't have to be that serious either. (Although to be fair, if it was at the lighter end of trouble you could get lucky and be let off at the last minute). I recieved the cane ('cansen' in Welsh) on four occasions and it wasn't limited to the traditional six of the best. My 'sentences' were 4 strokes, 6 strokes, 8 strokes and 6 strokes, all over the palm of my hand. (I also recieved the 'slipper' across my behind in both junior and comprehensive but I'll stick to caning here).

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Let me read your palm boy

excerpt from my story, 'Iron Abacus Oiled in Spit':
'Boy! Get in here NOW!'
'Yes sir.'
I hated standing outside the headmasters office/orang utangs lair, waiting for the cane. It was like awaiting death by electrocution, and just before the cane fell the caped clown would ask your religious denomination.
'Catholic?'
'No sir.'
Presbyterian?'
'No sir.'
'Methodist then?'
'I really couldn't say sir. Whenever I think of religion I bring bile...'
'Six of the BEST!' (Six lashes land on my palm)
And off I'd go to sting and simmer the rest of the break, and sit under a tree to immerse myself in more poetry.
(Whispers)

Monday 12 September 2011

Don't Fan The Fantasy

Okay first let me say that I have been watching/looking at pornography since I was around 13 and im no prude who thinks its a filthy thing to be burned from existence. Indeed pornography (the normal legit type) keeps a couples relationship spiced up and promotes a very healthy sexual relationship. In short, I love porn! (And have amassed quite a vast collection on dvd *wink*)
But some men have difficulty detatching the fantasy from reality. They watch the porn where the women/men are prepared to indulge in every type of sex where no part of of the body is sacred (im trying to be as clean as possible here) and 'juices' fly onto cheeks and tongues in abundance. The performers are up for anything. (And yes! They even swallow!) And all this is fine and dandy of course, except when guys (its mostly us blokes) try to get wives and girlfriends to do the same things in the bedroom. (Or kitchen/living room/balcony/roof).

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Open up and say 'Arrrgghh!'

Lets be honest here, who really has a wife that is willing to do half the stuff that happens in porno? (Put your hand down, lucky dude in the back with a nympho bride.) Would men really like to see their beloved wifey behave like a crack whore in a dark alley? I have a hunch that if those guys actually saw it they would be horrified and definately not turned on.
Yes there needs to be adventure between the bedsheets, and im all for trying new and filthy things but there has to be respect and a limit. Afterall these naughty minxes in the triple X movies are paid to behave like slutz. Of course they're up for anything! But I suspect if you saw your partner in a bukkake party you would freak the f**k out.
Like I said, every couple needs to be adventurous, I am no sexual wet sponge myself but I don't wish to dive fully into the fantasy because some lines are not meant to be crossed, and those who have dared have paid a very high price with relationships shattering like a million a*al beads. My motto is ~ Im up for anything but everything. Have fun!

Kidney Foil

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Unbreakable

I have always thought of the kidneys as hard as nail powerhouses; unpenetrable, a mighty shell able to shatters fists, fevers and poisons like they were made from feathers. Strange isn't it? With my diet and lifestyle I often fear for my heart and liver but I never once spare a thought for my kidneys. I believe them to be all powerful, with the abilty to resist anything I throw at them.
Look at the picture above. Okay I'll admit those are lambs kidneys but the photo captures the organs perfectly; shining and hard, defiant in both colour and texture. If I were a poison I would think twice of taking those 'guys' on.

Ten Times As Big As A Man

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The King in a cartoon

I thought I had imagined it, stirred up the soundtrack and photos from some wild childhood fever hallucination, but no! The King Kong cartoon series did actually exist and heres a picture from one of the adverts to prove it. A lot of folk that ive asked about this have given me blank stares but a trawl through the interwebz has brought forth fruit! The show was made in 1966 and followed the adventures of King Kong as he befriends the Bond family, and helps save the world from other giant creatures and robots.
What I remembered most about this show was the soundtrack which had a thundering chorus with the words "King Kong! Ten times as big as a man!", and was quite heavy for an animated childrens series. (You can probably find it easily on Youtube).
It was on when I was a child in the late 70's and early 80's, along with the Godzilla/Godzookie cartoon but most only recall the lizards show. Im glad I did a little cyber digging if only to prove to myself I hadn't made the whole thing up.

Saturday 10 September 2011

The Quiet Building

No too far from me in Carmarthen town there is a building with the word Freemasons carved into the stone above the door. I have never seen anyone go in or come out of it. The pub nextdoor is always full of life but this building just stands next to it, eerily quiet.
Everytime I pass I imagine shadowy people inside holding seances and designing UFOs, or plotting something sinster to unleash on the land. Nonsense of course but a terrifying reality in my over active mind where nothing is as it seems. And the complete differences between the pub and the Freemasons helps to enforce the belief that some kind of supernatural machinery is going on behind the doors of the Masons; the tavern filled with beer bellied drinkers and live sports on the big screen, laughter and shouts of joy or frustration bouncing off the walls. While nextdoor the Freemasons buildings sits in perfect silence like it is waiting for something unknown to mortal man.

Tuesday 6 September 2011

To Bethena

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I missed your love and kindness,
your soul of souls,
but beauty with its assorted delinquents and trinkets
never fades or wilts,
and 'tho I nest amongst adders in the dawn
I am at the gentle mercy of you always.
Those eyes, that smile,
a face which had all the answers
and hangs forever, a portrait in my chest.
Oh to have known you darling Bethena!
To have held your hand
and walked with you, both poets on fire,
a furious blaze all together smothering the page.

I gaze into your eyes, those chessnut pools
and know what might have been
is happening now in the emerald garden
where your delicate touch is freezing the furies.
Bethena! Gone before your time
but time itself will be your tribute
as those you Love remember you,
and this ode, testament of your inspiration
which reshaped the horizons of a distant hand.
Oh to have known you!
But content am I to know that you live on,
triumphed over crocodiles
and sending Love in butterflies...

@ Steven Francis poems 2010

Sunday 4 September 2011

The Art of F King

Friends with benefits. F**k buddies. We all know what it means ~ a friend to have casual sex with. No strings attached. Just fire off a text, 'meet 6pm in shed/bedroom/alley' then wham, do the deed and be on your way. Can it really be as simple as that? As human beings saddled with with emotions and all the headfuckery they contain, can two people get together to blow some steam, sweat a little (or a lot) then leave it at that? Well as much as I would like to be the worlds megaphone and speak for everyone, I can only speak from my experience and in that experience I say that we can. Without a doubt. Its easy. Ive done it myself, and on more than one occasion and with more than one woman. (Although sadly only one woman at a time).
Without going into too much detail (I know, a killjoy right?) one woman was a friend and had been for years, while the other two were ladies I had met via a text 'dating' service. (For 'dating' see 'one night stand'). And as long as both parties know at the beginning to leave all emotion at the foot of the bed, having a f**k buddy is pretty swell and not just for the obvious reason. Should you happen to be friends as I was with my first, it adds another layer to that friendship and the trust that develops is immense. It feels almost like being bonded by blood and can feel as close as you would with a family member, without the sexuality obviously.
Its intimate but without the chaos of love. Some people wonder if the sex is hollow when it is ONLY sex but these are the sort who shouldn't be thinking about getting involved. Questions are best left with emotion at the foot of the bed. Of course humans are complicated creatures but in that complexity we are able to find reason and answers and some of us CAN exist on pure sex; sex without the gravy. I developed no sense of 'belonging' to the women I had this sort of relationship with. We knew from the start what we wanted and what we only wanted. The jingling heart shaped bells and holding hands nonsense were left like empty crisp packets on a pub floor.
This all makes me sound like a Great White shark, ploughing through lusty waters for women to ravage, without a care for emotion but nothing could be further from the truth. I enjoy Love and being in Love with all of its fanfares and sickly scented dramas, but the L word has no buisness between f**k friends. Love and sex are beautiful when combined make no mistake, but sex is more than able to exist alone outside of the fluffy confines of 'I do's'.
Sure I hear the doubters and holier-than-thou mobs calling it nothing more than whoring around. They believe it to be two morally tainted people getting their kicks from sin and their offense rings through my ear drums like so many boiling lobsters. But they are wrong and ignorant. Where is the sin? Where is the burning in hell of two friends getting it on and banging away without any commitment? Nobody is being hurt or cheated on, there is no design for harm and mischief. And to be perfectly blunt, if I meet a woman for some fun and we both get what we want out of the back alley party then you can stick your morals under the grill, toast them, butter them with a dollop of envy and bon apetit! I find it perfectly foul when some folk feel the need to interfere and pass comment (or worse, judgement) on others lives. As I say, its envy. Some of us LIVE life, others don't. Or can't.

Monday 29 August 2011

Squirrel Pasties Are Go!

An article in Wales Online has announced that Traeth Restaurant in New Quay are offering grey squirrel pasties to customers. The snack is served with roast, chopped hazelnuts, oak leaf lettuce and blackberries and im glad to read that its fast become a favourite.
Why glad? Well for one its nice to see that sense of adventure hasn't been lost in some people, and im not surrounded by simple folk who stick to beans on toast and tea. There are those types of course but they are in their own hell.
Secondly these types of 'game meats' are extremely healthy (and tasty). Squirrel and rabbit are low in fat, a much healthier option than beef and when I think that people eat sh!t like Pot Noodles and fast food (no names mentoned of course but you know who they are) but turn their noses up at fluffy bunnies I really must laugh. So you won't eat Tufty but you are quite willing to poison yourself with crisps and processed cheese?
I think most of the revulsion stems from looking at the fur. Common mistake but if you saw the animal skinned and jointed it looks the same as pork joints. And you eat pork so whats the fuss? You don't flee from the butchers stand in horror do you?

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A tasty nibble

Does not the lamb, bouncing merrily in the field in all its buttercuppy innocence, not look cute to you? It can't do because nobody (sane) would turn away a roast lamb dinner, and this is eaten every sunday by thousands of Brits. If people are able to remove the picture of the happy lamb from their minds to be able to plough through a traditional roast dinner, why can't they do the same with squirrels?
As for the comment "its like eating rats", well quite frankly thats completely idiotic. Look at a chicken coop some day, they aren't the cleanest of places let me tell you, and they are not the cleanest species of birds either. Yet the amount of chickens eaten every day is in its millions. Don't get me started with the popular chicken nuggets that teenagers (and lazy adults) seem to exist on. Its not chicken (well not the good parts of it) and the joke is definately on you!
Im tired of typing this but please, for the sake of your tastebuds if nothng else, put down that greasy, sorry mess of a supermarket pizza and try a squirrel pastie instead.

Saturday 27 August 2011

God Speaks Out From A Blog

I wish, pray to this blog that God, or the author of this blog will do something before the time is up. Go comfort the mortals, or pat them on the head or something before they lose their minds. The reason for war? The reason for beer? The reason for ripping your shirt off sex with anyone? The flock is lost, lost I tell thee!
If God would drop us a holy note and tell us the afterlife was simples, I truly believe that peace on mortal souls would be granted to us in an instant. A Big Mac instant.

Thursday 25 August 2011

Word Salad

In this day of text messages and Twitter, does the ability to spell and use good grammar count for anything? Did you know pupils are NOT marked down for incorrect spelling and grammar in english language exams? (Next year they will be im told). Who on earth would be in favour of bad spelling/grammar? I realise we all make mistakes and everything I throw on this screen will not always be word perfect but I do try. This 'text speak' annoys me quite a bit (probably more than it ought to) and I tend to ignore it when I see it.
If someone were to send me an email full of 'grt, scwl, lyk, lol' it would get instantly deleted because more than anything it tells me the author is lazy and unimaginative and I don't have time for those types im afraid.
Yes the way we speak/write does change and evolve over the years, for instance Shakespeare wrote differently from the way we do now but this whole buisness of shortening words is a very poor show. In a word it is shabby. And where does it end? There has to be a certain degree of discipline or else the language will descend into drivel with people spelling however they feel like on a particular day.
Personally I look at those who use 'text speak' in a similar way I look at cheap clothes, and I don't care how snooty that makes me look. At least im being honest.

Tuesday 23 August 2011

Shopping In 1971

In 1971 your shopping cost ~

Petrol 7.5p litre
Large white sliced loaf 10.5p
Bottle of Scotch £3.08p
Colour tv licence £12
(The b/w licence was abolished like the colour one should be too).
Average house price £5,970
Mars bar 4p
Prescription charge 20p (since been abolished in Wales).
Cinema ticket 40p
Pint of beer 12p

Average weekly wage for full time workers:

Men £32.90
Women £18.30

Monday 15 August 2011

The Back No Longer Broken

Way back in lets say 1985 (its as accurate as I wish or can be), I loved camping. I used to get rollercoaster thrills just thinking about planning a trip in the countryside and would spend days simply getting stuck into survival lists and learning how to trap rabbits and flat fish. Alas these beasts might have been unicorns or dewfish for they were never near to my calloused and often scabby fingers. (By the way 'dewfish' is something I made up and exists not in our Creators godly land).
When my friends and I got to our spot in the forest (we usually opted for the cover of trees over open land) it was pure nature and wildlife; torn bark on trees, dead rabbits, fox droppings and the beautiful scent of wild berries. The closest we got to modern life was a few lighters to get the fire going, not even bothering with camping stoves.

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Camping: never forget your pipe

These days however, going camping and sleeping under the stars is a little different. Make that a LOT different. In fact we are hardly sleeping in the great outdoors anymore because we have taken the indoors out. The internet, mobile phones with countless handy applications, television, iPods, laptops, cameras, everything people have for entertainment at home can now be taken on a camping expedition. We even have satelite navigation in the car to find us the perfect spot!
Back in my day all we had for entertainment was what mother nature provided for us; rivers to fish in,giant oaks to climb on, brambles to shred clothes. Our only entertainment was feeding the fire with wood, alcohol, a portable radio and books. That was it really, apart from the 'fun' of finding your way back to the tent after a late night trip to the bushes for a pee. Now I can take every classic novel ever written with me, along with my entire record collection. I have even seen mobile satellite dishes so campers can tune into their favourite television series while skinning their freshly caught rabbit. Or more likely tucking into a freshly cooked lasagna, nuked in the mobile microwave.
Its hardly survival and I personally think that having all these modern devices on a camping trip ruins the fun. When everything is to hand there is no pleasure or excitement in having it. I admit we carried lighters but certainly a camp fire made with the age old method of rubbing sticks together is infinately more satisfying. And speaking of fire, this should be the ONLY source of light. Seeing the glow of tv and computer screens is just plain wrong when you are out in the bush as our Australian friends would say. Have we become so dependent on 24 hour news and social networking websites that we cannot escape their clutches even for a few days camping? Have we become so lazy that fish bought in Morrisons is preferable to ones caught fresh? Of course we have. The things we had originally for convenience have overtaken us, swallowed us whole and robbed a lot of us of adventure.
Mobile phones are a good idea to have if you intend trekking to desolate, often dangerous parts of the world, or if your children decide to camp out on the beach like I used to do. Phones are useful and can be a lifesaver, but do people really need all the rest of it? The kindles, iPods and satelite dishes? Afterall camping is supposed to be getting you away from it all, not bringing it all with you like a bleeping and pinging ball and chain. We have become our own prisoners, trapped almost in a cold digital world where nobody really cares and nobody is really your friend.
When I next go pitch my tent in Newgale or Freshwater East in beautiful Pembrokeshire, im leaving the keyboards and clicks behind and going naked. It feels good to be free from the internet umbilical cord. Try it.

Friday 12 August 2011

Rest In Peace Brother

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Jani onstage

Sad to hear about ex Warrant singer Jani Lane's passing a little earlier. Apparantly Jani was found dead next to vodka and pills. I am a huge metal fan, and love all the genres from glam to death metal and Warrant were a great little rock outfit back in the day.
I remember when Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich came out in 1989 and being very impressed with the tunes on it.Of course there was little MTV in those days (music vids were only just emerging) so these bands, especially in the metal genre had to rely on good songs and even better to gigs to grab peoples attention. Jani Lane and crew did exactly that to me and many, many others.
When Cherry Pie was released in the following year (1990) my tight fit panted friends and I would be rocking out to it as the beers and good times rolled like they were never gonna end. F**king epic times! Rest In Peace Jani, you were one of the bubbles in a glass of memories in my head that will never lose its fizz or sparkle.

Thursday 11 August 2011

Don't Fear the Pepper

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Last orders

The most popular soft drink (no hard stuff permitted) chosen by condemned inmates in the United States is Dr Pepper. A drink funnily enough concoted in the 1880s by a guy (Charles Alderton) in Texas, the countries most active death penalty state.
I wonder what it is about the drink? Is it the unusual taste the inmates love? Or does it ring the old memory bells taking them back to childhood and to happier times? Id go with the latter although I would have imagined Coke or Pepsi to have been more popular.
Anyway whatever the reason, this quirky fact brought to you from the grim belly of death row, is the reason the Dai Jakes Book exists. Something a normal person wouldn't be thinking of, but now that you have learnt it, you are happy you did.

Tuesday 9 August 2011

Poison Idea

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Bow to them

There is no escaping the fact that Poison Idea were big. Not in commercial terms, obviously, but in life, death, music and influence they were truly massive. Formed in Portland, Oregon in 1980 by frontman Jerry A the band seemed to get progessively more dangerous as they went along, almost deliberately pushing a lifestyle to its ultimate limits just to see what would break it. In a game of 'let's see who's the more punk' Jerry A once pointed a loaded gun at Dwarves singer Blag Dahlia and when guitarist Pig Champion died aged 47 this year it was a great loss of talent, but no great suprise.
But while Jerry A frequently breathed fire or sliced his head open onstage with broken glass, he also wrote lyrics that could rival Charles Buckowski in their beautiful ugliness, stark realism and savage honesty. And despite their seeming indolence and over-the-top drink/drug consumption Poison Idea were phenomenal musicians, capable of playing faster and tighter than any of their peers even when they couldn't stand up.
Their fans include Nirvana, Amen, Pearl Jam, Pantera, Machine Head, Turbonegro...and you if you've got any sense.

*This was an article in Kerrang! magazine a few years ago.

Chaos Reigns

If you haven't been on another planet for the last week, you will be aware of the rioting and looting that has taken place in Britain since sunday. It started in North London over the shooting of a youth by police, but has since spread to Birmingham, Liverpool. And its getting out of control now. Even as I type there are live reports of thugs weilding wooden batons moving down a road in Croydon and residents must be absolutely terrified. It started with a peaceful protest but as is the way of these things, it got hijacked by the lawless yobs with a grudge against society for whatever reason, and has descended into three nights of utter mayhem. Police cells in the capital city are now full and police resources are stretched like never before in history. There are also talks of plastic bullets being issued as the prime minister vows to put 16,000 officers on London's streets this evening.

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Welcome to Britain

Is this one of the downfalls of living in a liberal democracy? Or is it the result of a frustrated youth? One things for certain there has been a complete breakdown of authority, and these yobs have no respect for that authority. And why should they? When these hooligans are tracked down and hauled before the courts, very few will see the inside of a prison cell. (And if they do it won't be for long). Which will be another kick in the teeth for the poor shopkeepers, many of whom will lose their livelihoods as a result of this chaos. We in mainland Britain foolishly don't have water canons at our disposal and I hope this changes soon, or burning cities will be popping up from Land's End to John O' Groats. Its little use having policemen holding riot shields and standing in formation while all around them, feral teenagers are running amok, looting from shops and doing God knows what else. Its the softly softly approach to criminals that has started the rot. When will the namby pamby do gooders learn that dishing out soft sentences will not 'reform' those dedicated to criminal and violent behaviour. Online newspapers are filled with pictures and videos of looters breaking into electrical and sports stores and making off with training shoes and plasma televisions, while in the background flames lick around buildings and burnt out shells of buses sit like studs of anarchy. And the vandals responsible ought to be rounded up and flogged. Then they should be forced to clean up the mess whilst linked to a chain gang.

Feeling Waspy, A Love for Wasps

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A wise wasp last night

Why do folk run about like meerkats whenever a wasp enters the room? One of the stinging darlings has just flown in through an open window where I peck out these words and he/she is an amazing sight which brings a smile to my often miserable chops. I feel totally safe and have no urge to leap around like a demented baboon trying to open a gerkin jar.
They get a thoroughly bad press and have a reputation of being aggressive and bad tempered but ive seen little evidnce of this. Perhaps its because I remain calm around them, and they only get all stingy on your ass if you run around? It would tick me off too if whenever I showed up, people suddenly went mental. Think of the wasps feelings people!
Also they have the coolest colours, even better than the tiger. Actually thats what they are, flying tigers out for a buzz about before tracking down some sweet sherry. Or perhaps mead. I love them and could never bring myself to treat them like I do flies and swat them all over the shop. No, a wasp has a regal quality about it. Something that ought to be respected and admired, not shunned and stamped on.

Monday 8 August 2011

Cariad Coch (Red Love)

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Welsh and beautiful

As a passionate Welshman who loves women (not in a pervy way honest), I got to wondering who would be a great example of typical Welsh beauty. It wasn't that easy because all Welsh women are fabulous looking and I could have gone the easy route and picked someone like Katherine Jenkins but that would have been too obvious. And I hate obvious.
So my vote goes to actress Sue Roderick. Most will only know her from playing Lucy Cartwright in Twin Town but she's appeared in Welsh soap opera Pobl Y Cwm and the fantastic Welsh language comedy series Licoris Olsorts.

Sunday 7 August 2011

Francis' Folly for Harder Candy

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Valium?

I would be lying if I said I ordered these Valium to write a piece of investigative journalism. It would be utter bull droppings. No, I sought them out over the interwebz and bought them because I like Valium. I like most pills of this kind. I make no excuses over it, and use them as I do alcohol.
Over the past few decades I have been prescribed quite a few benzodiazepines for various reasons and I got to enjoy them. Lots.
So what is one of the first things I did when I got hooked up to the interwebz? Look for porn sure, but the next thing I went surfing for was Valium. Im blissfully incorrigible and looked at the internet as my personal debauched playground, filled with XXX Candy and other things you wouldn't want your dear old Mum finding out.
Two countries that stood out in their sales of 'downers' (benzos) were China and Mexico, and as the latter were cheaper, I opted to go Mexicana, chico. (Who's Chico?) I knew there was danger of fraud before I popped my credit card details in but alas $40 for 100 tablets was to great a temptation for the Pill Monster inside and so I ordered away, already excited by the Vailum buzzing that awaited.
They took around 5 weeks to finally arrive (I admit I was getting jumpy after the third week, believing I had been conned) and when they did I was slighty under awed by the rubbish packaging which you can see for yourselves in the photos. I was expecting something a little more 'medical' looking and less amateurish. Still it was the high I was after and as soon as I opened them I swallowed 5. Nothing. 5 more. Still nada so I opened a beer to bring on the buzz. To cut a long story short I kept drinking and popping but depressingly I only felt the alcohol buzz. (Didn't stop me taking the entire 100 packet in 3 days mind).

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Or laxatives?

After that bitter disappointment any right thinking individual would have put the experience down to having tried but bad luck and scrapped the idea of getting Valium online, but thinking rightly has never been my way (sometimes for both good and bad) so I found another pharmacist in Mexico and ordered another 100.
Now here is where I would liked to have written second time lucky but this batch of 'diazepam' were exactly the same duds as the previous pills. And yet I still took the whole packet, just as before! Like I said, incorrigible.
To add insult to injury, this 'chemist' also tried to take more money off my card after the charge for the crappy tablets so there was the hindrance of getting hold of the bank (have you tried that in this day and age?) and changing all of my details. A good thing however as I started to learn my lesson by then.
Looking back (this all happened in 2007) I can't believe how wreckless I was in handing over my credit card so easily, and taking 200 unknown pills. (Although having been a regular pill popper over the years I regard this as an occupational hazard.)
So my advice to anyone else thinking of getting their buzz on via this route would be forget it. Yes there might be legit pharmacists online who have the real deal medicines but there are too many cowboys and pirates who have also set their stalls out to be able to safely take the risk.