Thursday 30 August 2012

Metal Gear Solid the Movie

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Snake? Snake? SNAAAAKE !!

Lets kick things off with a quote from Mr Metal Gear Himself:
"Metal Gear Solid was developed specifically to become a game. ...If it were to be made into a movie it would have to be something completely new. I wouldn't use my current scripts. I think I'd have to get somebody to get a new script and somebody else to direct it as a movie."

-Hideo Kojima (March 17, 2012)

Now as a big fan of the Metal Gear Solid games (and after falling out of lve with cinema), I for one would be happy if there was never a movie made of the tactical espionage videogame. "Have you gone mad?" I hear some of you ask. Well no I haven't, at least not madder than usual *chuckles*
To my mind, Metal Gear Solid doesn't need a movie, it does very well standing alone as a game thank you very much. As every game fan knows, turning a popular game into a film is hardly ever a success. From Streetfighter and Kylie Minogue through to the very average (at best) Tomb Raider movie, games very rarely transfer well onto celliuloid. I will concede that the Resident Evil movies are brilliant fun but still, the games rock even more. The difference is huge and to go from 'being' the character in Hitman on Playstation, to then be reduced to mere 'watcher' in the cinema or on dvd can come as a shock, even be frustrating.
Gamers will each have their own different experiences from playing through sections of Metal Gear Solid, we will all have personal victories and defeats but movies are not able to do that. It felt immense to personally battle and eventually beat three Metal Gears in MGS: Sons Of Liberty, but watching some actor do it on a Netflix rent would be quite dull in comparison.
Alas im only another gamer fan and as much as I want the franchise left in this form, time and money will decide if Metal Gear Solid the Movie ever becomes a reality. But if Hideo is smart (and I believe he is), he should be very careful when it comes to making it. I will say this however; as loyal fans of MGS who have bought every game, we certainly deserve more than getting people like the awful Nicholas Cage and Lindsay Lohan involved. Please Kojima san, anything but those two. And this is part of the problem of course, everyone has a different idea on who should play Solid Snake. The character was based on Snake Plissken from John Carpenter's Escape from New York, so logically Kurt Russell would be ideal but Russell is getting on a bit these days and unless Metal Gear Solid the Movie is going to focus on the espionage antics of Pensioner Snake, this rules him out.
Jason Statham sounds about right but when I picture him in my minds eye, dressed in Snake's stealth gear, sneaking through a creaky air vent in an abandoned military site, he doesn't look right. Ditto Colin Farrell. And its not just Solid Snake to be considered, all characters in Metal Gear Solid have been larger than life, the series is famed for it. Liquid Snake, Otagon, Col. Roy Campbell, Meryl. Each of these roles would need filling by actors capable of making those big personalities shine, and I just cannot see a script or studio pulling it off with any success. You can see from The Expendables that having a load of big names on screen at the same time doesn't necessarily mean pure gold. And in Metal Gear Solid its the characters who are the big names and thats not your average big either. Think a brilliantly, colourful, bizarre, mad, over the top kind of big.
To sum up then; making a good Metal Gear Solid movie will need everything clicking into place like a jigsaw dipped in olive oil. This is a much loved franchise and whereas fans might excuse a shoddy Tomb Raider or average Hitman, we wont be so forgiving when it comes to Solid Snake and company. And lets face it, when you look at the jaw dropping trailer below of the new Metal Gear Solid game, well who needs film?


Stunning!

Friday 24 August 2012

Bass Ache FM

Okay everyone and their pet alien knows that I am a metalhead. (I suspect my brain is actually made of some kind of metal too, lead probably.) Ive been listening to heavy metal since 1980 and for me, nothing comes close to the raw power and imagery it produces. Country music is its closest genre (country musicians make those appalling 'gansta rappers' look like children), and although I do like country (NOT the Shania Twain type), it is to the devil horns my allegiance lies. Play it loud, play it plowed!
Anyway I was surfing my radio app on iPhone earlier and found a German station dedicated to 'hardcore trance bass' music. Intrigued (and tired of talk radio) I tuned in and gave it a listen for thirty minutes. Now Mr Jakes is not going to rubbish another style of music because quite frankly it never achieves anything (other than the complainer looking like a mouthy tool), but I will admit that this music is not for me. Perhaps I listened twenty minutes too long or something because I enjoyed the odd beat and rhythm here and there but could never suffer longer than say 10/15 minutes. It started to sound all the same and indeed I even came away with the conclusion that 'trance bass' is the sound of real insanity. This my friends is what lunacy sounds like. Have a listen for yourselves.

Tuesday 21 August 2012

Catching the Appletooth (Alcoholism)

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Last drink before rehab

Suffering is not word enough. It seems gentle in comparison. There is not a word for the destructive, evil pains which stem from the bottle.
The odour from popping a wine cork quickly fades.
I associated a bottle of alcohol with a vase of flowers, the flowers themselves being the intoxicating spray of bubbles that set me free (free from what I did not yet know as I was only sixteen when I gave myself that poisonous bouquet).
Never have I been so wrong! Flowers don't grow from the bottle, only thorns and getting caught in that thicket is an experience only alcoholics can describe.
When I took my first drink I was unaware of the addictive personality that stalked tiger-like in my system looking for a vulnerability which would bring me down. At sixteen I began the descent into a private hell.
There were parties, drinking with friends, summer holiday binges and teenage curiosity. Alcohol has always been a clever demon with an ace up its gothic sleeve. It can take on various guises, one only has to look at the supermarket shelves with the laced colas and grinning lemonades.
I lost my drinking (L)earner plates at twenty years and by the time I had reached twenty two I was thoroughly addicted to booze. Armed with a hard drinking reputation I could be seen being swallowed every morning by an off licence mouth.
I could not let go of the bottle, it might as well been glued to my lips and fuelled further by endless days of kissing the sun, my alcohol intake was increased and I went hand in hand with oblivion. Thinking that with an iron will I could control the drink but with every glass the iron is rusted and withers away to nothing.
For the first few years my body took the full assault; hangovers, trembling, vertigo, nose bleeds, anxiety, aches and shivers. These alone would have made a rational person quit but alcohol had become a medicine, a solution to life's problems and it was available anywhere. I was not capable of rational thought, I didn't even know if I was human anymore. Everything save alcohol and its beautifully grim hold seemed pointless.
The hangovers got worse and days would be spent bringing up bile and other rainbows of sickly colour. The cure was more booze and in my mind its magic knew no bounds. A three day hangover was instantly topped up with wines and spirits. I was deaf to my own liver screaming.
Days got longer with sleep only occurring between three and seven in the the morning but eventhough the days had lengthened the only things I knew I had done was open a bottle or tin, got drunk and annoyed sensible drinkers in public houses, or sober families in supermarkets.
I was young and standing on lifes crossroad and had already thrown two promising relationships to the wind.
When it had finished ravaging my body it turned on my mind and everything went upside down and fell to pieces. It is the way of poison, the only way the thorn can move is by severing and cutting.
I no longer had friends, pride or respect. There was not even a life outside the frantic, urgent drinking. I needed alcohol everywhere I went; in cars, out walking, in cinemas, at train stations, everywhere. If I was ever without a bottle I'd become soulless, unable to do anything sober.
Simple tasks became mammoth chores with being alcoholically spiked. I walked around in the shadow of 100% drunkeness, envious of care free people around me laughing and talking as they followed their lives. I could never lay my hands on a sane tongue.
Vodka; what a wretched word that is to me now.
The Smirnoff days tuned me into a fantasy world, I substituded real friends for television characters, turning them as real as I could without tripping entirely into the clutches of madness.
One or two episodes of a favourite programme made up a whole day in my life, desperately I clung to bizarre fiction. In hindsight I realise that I must have had one foot inside a breakdown of sorts but nothing else knocked at my door.
With vodka in my hand, supporting my body like a noble gentlemans cane, I hid from life, dreaming of rivers flowing wildly with serpents froth. Vodka binges were comfort to my soul but weighed heavily on money and when all funds have been exhausted by vodka an alcoholic will catch the ruffian wind of the Appletooth. Cider drinking.
Cider is the most available drink of them all to heavy drinkers (barring methylated spirit). Everything about it is cheap; the plastic bottles, the two shilling names, vicious bubbles and its foul scent. Even the bile caused from drinking cider looks different, with its neon green warning choking every breath.
I caught the Appletooth and every miserable copper coin was spent in lousy cider shops with dry tobacco air and shifty tills. From then on my beloved vodka was a luxury and it was the ginger whore who banged my liver.
Every minute rotated around alcohol. For nine years I didn't wake up from sleep, I simply came around as one would from anaesthesia. And booze opens newer vices on its sinister, downward path.
It was alcohol which introduced drugs into my world. Cannabis, lsd, ampthetamine, mushrooms, nitrazepam, temazepam, diazepam, even morphine sulphate and a brush with heroin.
It was dear alcohol that pushed the first morphine filled needle into my arm, giving me Heavenly pleasures and it was alcohol that melted the temazepam and crushed the valium to give it an intavenous kick.
Tablets do not look good in a needle but I wore sunglasses of 8% tint. Blinded from common sense and moderation, I wore iron blinkers which allowed sight in tunnel vision.
Alcohol and occasional drifts of drugs. I enjoyed drugs but the sauce is where I truly fell in Love. It was my devilish trigger, drugs a mere substitue. Life is both tiring and perverse in addiction and soon I lost all control.
I call this the semi-madness stage. Delusions of grandeur, talking to ones self,, obssessive behaviour, severe depression, personality disorder, suicidal tendancies and self mutilation (a fleshy, scarred crucifix still swings from my neck).
When it got to the point of switching the television or radio off to listen out for 'other' voices, I knew for sure that alcohol had become an enemy, one not to be trusted or given consideration.
I had reached the grand old age of twenty five and had been drinking relentlessly for eight years. Eight years of shameful lies and wasted coin. Looking back to the beginning of my drinking career the memory darkens. It had started as an innocent fashion accessory with a few laughs along the way, had I known the final chapter the bottle would have stayed on the shelf.
It no longer gave the warm glow and comfort, it no longer acted as a stimulant. Alcohol became a nagging, tedious aggravation.
The reader should now begin to understand some of the agonies it takes an alcoholic to suffer before admitting any wrongs. The hundred sermons and thousand pleadings from those not cursed with the disease will always fall like Icarus in flames, (a point I cannot stress enough).
A wagging finger and lashing tongue will be ignored by the drinker. He or she wears an armour that will not dent with a simple rebuke because alcohol teaches stern lessons. It discards moderation and common sense and nurtures its tragic followers on excess, self pity, selfishness, anger, frustration and deceit.
The lies which have been told in the name of the glass are countless, along with the pain it inflicts on both drunk and sober. The havoc and violence it creates could fill a battlefield and a bruise just one of the bottles many colours.
A clever thing to be able to shrink away from blame which is what happens because alcoholism is more often judged on the person it afflicts rather than understanding of the illness.
Alcoholics are frequently described as weak willed and hopless yet nothing could be further from the truth in the case of recovering alcoholics throughout the planet. It is harsh, all of it because of the disastrous spell it weaves to those involved.
There is no nobody stronger than someone who successfully beats an addiction but before fighting that addiction one must first face it, and getting an alcoholic to admit having a problem is usually the hardest and highest hurdle of them all.
I was caught in a whilwind romance with the Appletooth and was slowly drinking myself into the grave (or padded cell), but while the sauce was still in my hand I was without ear to the voice of reason.
Nothing seemed quite right without it and I came to believe that life would be that much better if I slept straight through it. Death was always hanging around and whilst the first drink gives courage the last one will always bring cowardice.
To be scared of life and frightened of death is a terrible place to be. For years I slept with a bottle under my pillow and I kissed my cruel 'bride' often, with vigour. It was only when my mind had begun to crack and a breakdown sat on my shoulders that I knew I needed a clean and final split from the demon which had kept me chained.
In the beginning alcohol had handed me freedom. It had given me fantasy in the place of reality, I lived in a cartoon and was king of nonsense. But Life (the one that bites) soon rained down in stone and the cartoon was buried beneath misery and empties.
The first step to recovery as has been previously stated was admitting to myself I was alcoholic (it applies to all addicts of course). Without this all else will fail because like the pulling of a tooth, if the root is not cut out the problen will remain.
I felt no shame in admitting I was alcoholic, it is a disease afterall, and instead I felt relief. After years of torture and self abuse I had finally broken the first shackle of my gothic vine.
The next immediate step was detox in an alcohol rehabilitation clinic where I was introduced to fellow drinkers. At first I didn't think my temperament would allow sobriety and in my first week in the plush clinic I was dogged by constant thoughts of one more binge. I had real doubts and many times I imagined quitting the programme to feed my addiction in a homely bar.
I attended many A.A. meetings and was drilled by group therapy and relaxation techniques. It was at one of the meetings that my doubts on a sober life disappeared and I discovered the true strength and determination of the human soul.
Here was a group of people who had allowed themselves to be whipped by a bottle until even their minds had bled, and allowed dignity and pride to slip from their reach.
With alcohol on their lips they were useless, cowering cripples unable to perfore the simplest task, but without it they stood taller than their previous shadow and sunlight was welcomed on their flesh.
After a month of treatment I went home eager to pick up on a fresh horizon without the sting of drink.
Weeks passed and the clouded days I had waded through prior to my stay in rehab became filled with hope. My bank account started to grow again and I found time to do the things that beer had prevented. Fresh air no longer clogged my lungs like it had with alcohol and confidence came flooding back as I busied myself in work.
Health wise it was thrilling, energy raced in my system and my brain found found sanity from somewhere. But still I lacked the companionship I craved. I had been two months without a drink and not a single knock arrived at my door. The 'friends' with which I had occasionaly shared a drink with disappeared. Can sobriety intimitate some people? I believe it can.
Sober I remained and each day brought more confidence, one of the bottles stickiets traps.
Too much confidence is deadly to alcoholics because it leads them to believe they have conquered their addiction and are able to finally control the booze.
It was that, coupled with emptiness that drove me once again to the off licence shelf and with that first drink the macabre circus started to rev its familiar tune.
Everything I had built and restored in those two sober months were smashed within a week. The first drink (which I tried desperately to control) had its claw into me again. A.A was a million miles away, caught once again like a fish thrashing in gunpowder.
The drinking was even more intense the second time around, I drank at all hours and the hangovers, if they could be described as such, were so severe after binges that for days later I writhed in bed, a wounded animal struggling in its near death throes.
Even personal hygeine was neglected as I sweated out toxins only to be seduced by the bottles charms again and again.
Alcohol has a powerful relationship with the alcoholic and the illness is dismissed by the ignorant who have no understanding at all. Why should they? It doesn't effect them.
They see addicts as either a person who is drunk twenty four hours a day or in the gutter with a duffle bag and little else. The ignorant are both deaf and blind.
Nothing in life has ever affected me as deeply as alcohol and from now until I am in my grave I will only be sober for one day at a time.
I am still alcoholic (that part never dies) and I still have scars from the past, but without booze they need not be re-opened. I know that it would only take ONE DRINK to start the hellish downward spiral yet again so these days I try not to look at the shelf.

Steven Francis May 1997

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At rehabs doors

Monday 20 August 2012

Egg On Beard

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Th new beard dye didnt catch on

Beards and food. How I love both but sadly they don't love each other. Or maybe they do and thats why they insist on sticking to each other like a furry symbiote, fusing to a body (and yes I read too much Spiderman/Venom stories.)
Pies and eggs are the worst in my opinion. (Others will say soup but ive not experienced the soupy beard strainer myself.) If ever I fancy a fried egg sarnie, like I did earlier, then I can almost guarantee to be tasting egg an hour after ive eaten it. Burgers with the works can prove a whiskery minefield as well with onions, grease, ketchup and mustard making a good beard seem like a wild almost edible Christmas tree.
But you know, some women (the good bad kind) dig this so don't be hasty in grabbing that razor. Never trust a man without facial fungus! And trust less the ones who grow goatees which look a bit like fluff stuck to the chin.

Saturday 18 August 2012

Bak Ta Scwl

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Excuse me?

If social media has taught me anything, its that most people cant spell for toffee. Or toucans. Or is that parrots? At least they try. Now being a fair man I didn't jump immediately to this assumption. 'Perhaps they were being plain lazy' I thought, but alas after reading some of the things being typed, I have no choice but admit that it is in fact stupidity at work. Bless their 99p Poundland cotton socks. The combination of ignorance and text messaging was too potent.
"Hey lwk, I did na go ta scwl!" They might as well post on Facebook to their just as silly friends, babbling away like a tree house full of baboons at a jumble sale. (Nothing against jumble sales, simpy using it to paint a picture.)
And you want to know something? It kills me man, like watching a leprous toad mate with a swan, or a bungling art curator spill Tipp Ex on Van Gogh's Starry Nights.
Part blame must go to odious tabloid newsrags. For instance in recent gossip an actors name was spelled thus:

The Telegraph ~ Robert Pattinson. The Sun ~ R Patz

Is it any wonder spelling and grammar have turned to sh!t when the most popular scandal rags are slapping this abomination of english all over the headlines? So what does this make Dai Jakes? Dazza Ja? D Jakz? God's teeth, its the perfect bastard made flesh. Nothing short of the murder of language and I for one am all for swinging the illiterate swines from the nearest gallows. Its not thunder you can hear dear reader, its Milton and Coleridge turning in their graves.
People are daft aplenty without the red tops gleefully encouraging gibberish. The actors name is Robert Pattinson, not 'R Patz'! Desist this foul caper! Stop telling folk its okay to be a lazy ass! Or suffer to be the smoking gun at the scene of a bloody crime. Do we really wish to be speaking a tongue that giants of literature like George Orwell would think alien? As a lover of languages (and speaker of three) it kills me to see such wilful sabotage.
Those Ecard things have become quite popular so Mr Jakes has created one of his own.

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Friday 17 August 2012

Under the Surgeon's Dice

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Is that you Sharon?

After seeing yet more photographs of the rich and shameless and their plastic surgery (which really ought to be rebranded as 'grotesque surgery') in todays morning papers, I can only come to the same conclusion that I always did: attempting to defy the ageing process will turn you into something resembling a cross between a Garbage Pail Kid and a Boglin (Google them if you were born after 1990.)
Are these blockheads so blinded by (a frail) vanity that they cannot see the bubbling mess in the mirror staring back at them? Can anyone be so deluded? Why of course they can, but such is the fear of losing that touch of glamour, these wealthy oiks wont ever see past the illusion of the stunning 25 year old staring back in their reflection. Key word being ILLUSION. That older, more decrepid hag, peering over the 25 year olds slender shoulders, is brushed away and foolishly ignored.
The folly of the ever greying famous is that they truly believe money is able to halt time and while they wait for the code of the grand design of immortality to be cracked, they plaster over the wrinkles with botox bulldozners and pad out their pensioners skin with crooked sounding 'stay young' procedures. I won't name and shame the worst offenders because evidently they have no shame but im hopeful one or two will stumble across the Dai Jake's Book sometime and realise the sobering truth: most folks are not dazzled by your staggering beauty or fooled by con tricks to evade old age.
No, the majority only want to look at you with morbid curiosity. Like the times we used to watch public executions and circus freaks. Sad really, but then you'll never understand that. Botox made you deaf. Enjoy your new life as a gargoyle. Toodle pip!

Thursday 16 August 2012

Mascot Havoc

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Wenlock: Why so weird?

Okay there's no real havoc. No running about screaming while unmentionable beasts hunt us down to lock their terrible jaws around saggy throats and rip us from the living. Im simply unwinding after a long old day, and decided in lazy assedness to go with the first title that hit my tired brain, and Mascot Havoc it was. I kinda like it to.
Anyway now that the London Games have been and gone, im noticing that shops still have quite a bit of merchandise on their shelves, left behind like colourful, plush scars. Poor old Wenlock and Mandeville have never looked so desperate with their solitary eye each and hairstyles only a maniac cockatoo would choose, pleading silently from the shelf to give them a home.
And I did too! (See above pic.) I couldn't help it, I hate to see inanimate objects left alone to gather dust and mold; their star now faded and ignored by those who only a week ago were using them to cheer on a nations dreams. Overly dramatic I might be but theirs is the most unkind fate and they look happier now. Nurse!
When Mr Jakes was but a callow youth, I used to think those who collected souvenirs from events like Royal weddings quite mad. In fact in some ways it actually offended me, to know that there was a kind of person in the world who would willingly spend hard earned money on cheap tat. Im happy ive finally climbed onto the tat wagon. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and feed Wenlock. Nurse!!

Monday 13 August 2012

So That's That

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Party on Boris

After the fun and games of the last fortnight (including 29 Gold medals), waking up this morning was a bit like waking up after a heavy session on the old booze. A sort of "what happened there then? Did we really? That was great! Must do it again sometime." The London 2012 games, and especially the winning, held the nation in a suspended animation of joy, making us forget things like double dip recessions. I dare say its still not sunk in for a few as they hit the ever faithful red button too catch up on some handball or archery.
Dai Jakes purposively missed last nights closing ceremony shindig because acts like the Spice Girls quite frankly leave me feeling cold (even when prancing on black cabs) but it was great up until then and if theres any justice left in the world, athletes like Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, Bradley Wiggins et al will have inspired the countries youngsters so that we may hold on to our 3rd medal position in Rio in four years time.
One question some people have asked in todays media is if we would be all so 'hungover' had we not bagged all those medals? Mr Jakes believes we would. These games gave us more than medals, they brought us all together, cheering our team on and they put a little dazzle back into our spirits. It doesn't happen very often and you could definately sense a buzz around the towns and in shops/pubs.
So a pleasant two week binge all told, but now its back to reality with a thud and while its been great, I for one am happy to be back to normal. There is only so much high jumping and javelin one can watch, although I will be sorry not waking up to any more beach volleyball. The sight of sweaty, toned women in bikinis goes so well with a bacon sandwich and mug of freshly brewed tea I quickly discovered.
Over to you then Rio.

Tuesday 7 August 2012

Why This Phone Is My Last

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End of the road for me

The humble mobile/cell phone. My how you've grown! You are all singing and dancing and texting and Googling and and oh everything! Im certain in years to come you will be bundled with jetpacks and auto pilot applications that drive our cars while we try to beat that hi-score on Angry Birds and the world will be giddy from the wonder of it all. But not me, im bowing out before I lose my soul forever.
You see I went through a few so called 'smartphones' before I finally settled on my current phone, the iPhone 3GS and this will be the last one I ever buy. (I was tempted by the newer iPhone 4 but after using both, preferred ios3.) The reason for this shouldn't be hard to see: iPhone 3GS has everything (and more) that I will ever need from a mobile telephone. I have no desire for the futures snazzy new iPhone 10. With or without jetpack.
How things change from the early days of mobile phones. Dai Jakes first one was the classic 'brick' type and you couldn't even text on it. It had a black and white screen, could make/recieve calls and erm....that was it. Perhaps you could change the ringtone but I never tried. There wasn't even a calculator and they seem to be on everything. It was a true mobile telephone, whereas these days mobile personal assistants is a more accurate description. Combine internet access with over 500,000 apps which have everything from blood pressure checks to whale alerts (I kid you not) and phones today almost do your life for you.
And thats why im stopping the one I have now. I don't want something sinister sounding like Siri telling me on iPhone 4 that I may need to take an umbrella to the park, or whatever else it suggests. Its too much and I am capable of thinking for myself thank you very much. Its neither cool or clever, only further proof of our decline as a species.
I have news, videos, music, sports, retro videogames, weather,, route finder, yada yada yada and that lot will do for me. Newer phones will only have the same but a bit more polished and I don't need further distractions from real life. Now if you'll excuse me I have a planet to kill in Plague Inc.

Sunday 5 August 2012

A Golden Legacy (There Is Hope)

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Lass fantastic Jess Ennis

Heres some free advice from an old tooth to the younger lambs: forget the idiot reality television, the hideous 'Towie' creatures and plank pop stars. Put down thy warm bottles of WKD and give up your spot on street corners with the louts and look at the photo above. Jessica Ennis is your new role model.
If there is to be any worthwhile legacy from these London 2012 olympic games, then it must be that Britain's young will look to Ennis, Farah and the reast of Team GB, switch off the television and get out and start chasing their dreams. You can achieve whatever you want to in this life, you really can. Just look at the photographs plastered all over the newspapers to see the evidence. Or better still count the Gold medals. Who needs the foul Jordan and Jodie Marsh when you have real role models aplenty in Team GB?
I admit I went into these games with the black dog of doubt snapping at my heels, believing the only winners and legacy from them would be big buisness and lardy politicians buttering their own bread. And this is still true of course but now after witnessing the success of our spunky athletes, I can see something more special being brewed: inspired youth.

Wednesday 1 August 2012

Pour Me A Lagerfeld

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The plain in Jane

Karl Lagerfeld said this today of Pippa Middleton: "I don't like her face." And I for one agree with the designer. He was wrong when he said singer Adele was too fat but his arrow towards Pippa is true. Dai Jakes has always thought she looks like a man in drag, and I can't find a photograph of the 28 year old (who looks more 38) that would 'soften' this opinion. To me she is the typical "dont fancy yours much" type. In fact the kindest description that comes immediatelt to mind is that Middleton looks like a rough shemale.
I will say no more because its not my wish to be unkind when there is no need to be.