Monday 29 November 2010

Leslie Nielsen R.I.P

I was sad to hear that Leslie Nielsen has passed away. He was in a very select group of people who could make me genuinely laugh (it takes a LOT to humour me outside of the morbid) and now that group has gotten smaller. He died from complications from pneumonia at a hospital near his home in Fort Lauderdale, surrounded by his wife, Barbaree and friends. He was 84.

Photobucket Master of the dead pan

I remember first seeing him, like probably millions of others did, in the comedy Airplane! where he played a doctor. Nobody could touch Leslie when it came to doing dead pan. The next film I saw him in was not a comedy but a horror, Creepshow where he played a killer who drowns a couple. It showed it was not only comedy he was capable of.
Of course movie buffs will know that he also played the lead in The Poseidon Adventure and Forbidden Planet but it was Airplane! and Creepshow where he caught my eye. And the Naked Gun series of films. Who could forget those? Based on the criminally short 1982 series Police Squad! they were slabs of hilarious, comedy GOLD. Need cheering up? Let Detective Frank Drebin on the case and you will soon be lost in peals of uncontrolled laughter. He never fails.
So that is this evenings drinking film sorted out. Airplane! followed by Naked Gun (where I get the chance to not only watch great comedy scenes but also feast my eyes on the beauty that is Priscilla Presley. Bonus!)
On a personal side note I was happy to learn that Leslie's mother was Welsh and that he was a real gentleman in real life.
Rest In Eternal Peace Leslie Nielsen ~ you will continue to make us laugh in this often bitter world you have now left behind.

Thursday 25 November 2010

Oops A Hollywood!

Just finished watching Rambo III as im a huge fan of the 80s action flicks and something caught my eye while scanning the credits. (Too darn full of Thanksgiving dinner to be able to even reach for the remote.)
Now as we all know, in the film Rambo fights with the Taliban against the Russians. But at the end of the film and at the start of the credits, a note rolls up announcing that the movie is dedicated to the brave Taliban fighters of Afghanistan.
Bet whoever had that bright idea wishes they could go back in time.

Monday 22 November 2010

Revealing My Stocking

Righto, the festive season is almost upon us (it IS upon us according to the shop windows) and I thought it would be time to reveal what I would like to get at the foot of the bed. Or to be more accurate, WHO I would like to unwrap at the foot of the bed. (Or anywhere.) I got this idea from my friend Lesley when she posted a Bon Jovi song on Facebook last night.
So without further ado, let me unveil my dames of honour!

1. Dame Helen Mirren

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Is it hot in here?

She might be 65 but this Dame (and a real one to boot!) has been my number one dream lady ever since I saw her in the steamy but brilliant, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover in 1989. Like a fine wine, she gets more delicious with age and is probably looking her finest now in her 65th year. I can honestly say I have never seen a bad photograph of Dame Helen Mirren, she is absolutely perfect. And not only does she have the looks, she can act. I mean really, REALLY act. I love her.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 10/10 Bells-A-Jingling

2. Emily Deschanel

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Id go vegan for her

Oh to have the beautiful Emily appear in my Christmas stocking! (Or in her Christmas stocking im easy.) She plays a doctor in popular crime drama Bones, and while she is usually more interested in dead 'patients' she could give me a good going over anytime of the year, not just the Silly Season. Ms Deschanel is a strict vegan and while I will not make any vulgar gags about meat eating, I will say she could turn me vegan whenever she wanted.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

3. Alison King

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A real street angel

This seriously hot lady will not be familiar to readers outside of the UK but she plays a boss of an underwear factory in soap opera Coronation Street. Let me just say that id sooner see Alison covered in tinsel than a pine tree. And that smoky, seductive voice of hers sends the rhinos down my tingling spine.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

4. Seka

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Platinum bombshell

Seka (or Dorothea Patton to her family) is proof that Virginia has given the world much more than eight US Presidents. I first saw 56 year old Seka in the porno flick Passion Seka in the 80s and was instantly smitten. And much like Helen Mirren above, she has managed to keep hold of her looks. The goose would definately be ignored should Seka/Dorothea ever decide (in my fantasies) to turn up at the foot of my bed.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jingling

5. Serena Williams

Photobucket Serving all my aces

At a youthful 29 years, Serena is the secomd youngest hottie on my list. Currently ranked at no.4 in ladies tennis, she is one of the few athletes who are able to look strong and intimidating on court while looking both girly and sultry in her leisure time. And yowzer! Those legs! I could lick them day and night. (Steady on - nervous Ed) Another lady who could make my Christmas sherry wait.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jinging

6. Candace Kusculain

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Christmas candy

The Walls Of Jericho singer is a true metal gal; attitude, tattoos, flaming red hair, with a voice of growling, hardcore brilliance! You struggle at times to believe that such a powerful voice could lie beneath such a (very) pretty face. An American Dream for sure, and the sizzling type that I wouldn't mind waking up to have. Gorgeous.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

7.Lena Headey

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The ideal Queen

I first clapped my drooling eyes on Ms Headey when I saw her play Queen Gorgo in the movie, 300. Amazingly fit looking body, with stony yet beautiful features. Her face says 'dont-f**k-with-me' but is somehow at the same time alluring and oh so fanciable! Im struggling to prevent myself thinking of her in a photo shoot with only Christmas puddings covering her modesty. (Pervert - concerned Ed)

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

8. Sanaa Latham

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The only person (apart from Elton) who could make a piano look good

Style, elegance and very lushable (its a Welsh thing) Sannaa Latham has it all. She was the sole reason I watched Alien vs Predator about twenty times and I kept thinking 'who IS that girl?' Thanks to the wonders of teh interwebz I soon found out. Please Santa, deliver me a Sanaa!

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 7½ Bells-A-Jingling
(And im docking half a point purely because I couldn't find much photos)


9. Joanna Lumley

Photobucket Smoking!

Another lady who could claim her free bus pass, Joanna might be 64 but she still sizzles and is my perfect idea of a sex kitten. Bags of style, blessed with stunning looks and a thoroughly great person in regards to human and animal rights. Ms Lumley supported the Gurkha Justice Campaign, and is considered a "national treasure" of Nepal because of her work. Along with Dame Helen Mirren, she's also a British national treasure too and would definately get my baubels glistening.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

10. Golshifteh Farahani

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That legendary Persian beauty

The youngest lady on my list (so far) and what an absolute stunner she is. Golshifteh is a grand example or Persian beauty, boy does get my pulse (among other things) racing. She played a nurse in the 2008 movie, Body Of Lies, and its safe to say that were she at my sickbed I would soon forget about my pains. In fact just thinking about the delectable Ms Farahani in my stocking on Christmas morning has made me forget about my headache.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

Wednesday 10 November 2010

Smurfs

My Best Fwends :-)
The poet's friend

Smurfs have been in my life ever since my late mother used to bribe me with a promise for one each time I had to visit the dentist when I was a boy. They were mostly sold in my villages petrol station (Chiver's Corner, great name) and if I shut my eyes I can still see the glass case the smurfs were displayed in as you walked in to the shop. Wonderful memories!
So anyway, seeing as im a huge retrohead, what better than to start collecting the little blue guys again?

Friday 5 November 2010

Life Ever After

It annoys me when I listen to some try preaching that dead is dead, and that to them the life after this one is bunkum. To me it illustrates just how little imagination these buffoons have. Now before im accused of being some religious nutjob, let me say nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing as terrible to me as organised religion. I have no time for it and tend to think the church goers are as barmy as the non believers.
My idea of the afterlife is a bit more exciting than the usual old-man-with-a-white-beard version beloved of so many. I like to call it EverWorld (its a hipper word than 'Heaven') and there I like to think its a mix of War Of The Worlds, Planet Of The Apes, Mario Land with a dash of Texas Chainsaw Massacre thrown in. I still keep the rivers of wine idea because that simply is a wonderful thing and even souls need a drop of booze now and then.
Dead is dead is worse than dead itself. Plain boring and only the lowest wit or character would believe it surely?

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Eternal paradise? Just up the road on the right

I believe the place where we go after the grave is closer to this one than the one where clouds and harps are popular, and have bits of each of the themes ive mentioned above in it. EverWorld has a human touch; food and drink is definately in abundance, stuff that doesn't reach its sell by date. Im guessing there will things to do also, not work exactly but something where all the spirits contribute otherwise eternity could get ever so tedious.
Neither will it be all peace and goodwill because its through disagreements that solutions are found (even the populace of paradise need to bicker) so its a bop on the head for harmony loving angels im afraid. One simply could not face a forever after agreeing and being charming. That way leads to madness. And severe rash.
As for the idea of there being a hell, then of course an otherworldly punishment exists there but its not damned to burning in pits of molten lava. Its more like a sin bin (only for real SINS) like we have in rugby or ice hockey. Do a little blaspheming or spill an archangel's pint and you spend five years in the bin. And because this is eternity those five years will feel like five minutes. More grievous transgressions equals more time in the bin, in perhaps a less comfortable type of cage.

Photobucket Eternal suits?

So the next thing is bodies. Do we arrive at the gothic, electric gates in the mess we left earth; bloodied, gasping, diseased and waiting for a new breath? Or do we slip into our new and improved form as soon as the line goes flat? In my mind the former makes more sense because if we were able to just shake off the ravages of our previous, useless bodies and be instantly healed from whatever fatal strike finished us (on earth) then it leaves no hope of getting the soul to repent their mortal wrongdoings. Why should they? They are transformed. On the other hand if we remain in our crushed, wheezing shells on admittance into EverWorld then chance of genuine regret and repentance exists.
To sum it up we would be angels (not the feathery-keen-on-harps type) infused with electricity and buzzing like eagles hooked up to a power grid. Perhaps similar to the image above. Immortal but not invincible until sins on earth are truly atoned.
So that, in a fashion, is that. My vision or idea of Life Everafter. Its more imaginative than just looking into a gravelly pit and slightly more cooler than clouds and hymns. And the truly great thing about all this is I could very well be right!

Monday 1 November 2010

The Route To Gin Lane

Below is my favourite part of the book Jack Sheppard. Mrs Sheppard has become a widow due the hanging of her husband Jack ~

'One nail drives out another, ts true, but the worst nail you can employ is a coffin nail. Gin lane's the nearest road to the churchyard.'
'It may be; but if it shortens the distance and lightens the journey, I care not,' retorted the widow, who seemed by this reproach to be roused into sudden eloquence. 'To those who, like me, have never been able to get out of the dark and dreary paths of life, the grave is indeed a refuge, and the sooner they reach it the better. The spirit I drink maybe poison - it may kill me - perhaps it IS killing me: - but so would hunger, cold, misery - so would my own thoughts. I should have gone mad without it.
Gin is the poor man's friend - his sole set off against the rich man's luxury. It comforts him when he is most forlorn. It may be treacherous, it may lay up a store of future woe; but it ensures present happiness, and that is sufficient. When I have traversed the streets a houseless wanderer, driven with curses from every door where I have solicited alms, and with blows from every gateway where I have sought shelter - when I have crept into some deserted building, and stretched my weary limbs upon a bulk, in the vain hope of repose - or worse than all, when frenzied with want, I have yielded to horrible temptation, and earned a meal in the only way I could earn one - when I have felt, at times like these, my heart sink within me, I have drunk of this drink, and have at once forgotten my cares, my poverty, my guilt.
Old thoughts, old feelings, old faces, and old scenes have returned to me, and I have fancied myself happy - as happy as I am now.'
And she burst into a wild, hysterical laugh.
'Poor creature!' ejaculated Wood. 'Do you call this frantic glee happiness!'
'Its all the happiness I have known for years,' returned the widow, becoming suddenly calm, 'and its short lived enough, as you perceive. I tell you what, Mr. Wood,' she added, in a hollow voice, and with a ghastly look, 'gin may bring ruin; but as long as poverty, vice, and ill usage exist, it will be drunk.'

Killing Tobacco

It would seem that quitting smoking is big buisness. There are gums, lozenges, nicotine patches, helplines and all manner of therapies to help the cigarette smoker give up the weed. And there are literally HUNDREDS of online sites dedicated to 'stubbing it out.' But is all this stuff needed? I was a smoker, and a dedicated one at that. I LOVED cigarettes and even took a pack into the bath with me, in case of any sudden cravings. (Plus I thought it was the height of bohemia to be smoking during a soak in the tub.) The only time I disliked smoking was when I was indulging in another favourite vice; alcohol. Others like to partner cigarettes with booze but for me it was a foul mix.
Back in 2004 however, I decided to quit smoking. Not for health or financial reasons, I wanted to stop because the habit was getting in the way of my drinking. I used to drink pretty often (still do in fact) and couldn't stand the combination of tobacco and alcohol together so the cancer sticks had to go.

Photobucket Easy as ABC

Granted I did use nicotine gum to help ease the withdrawals but I only ever used two packets of the stuff, after that it was plain sailing. Yes you read that correct dear reader, giving up smoking was easy, at least it was for me. Does this mean I have an iron will? Was I truly addicted to nicotine? (Is anyone?)
Obviously the answer must be YES to both; I have successfully pulled myself from alcoholism to be able to drink now without a problem and there is no doubt that nicotine is addictive. But how addictive is it? Is nicotine really as powerful as these help sites make out? Im not convinced it is.
When I quit puffing on October 15, 2004, I stayed QUIT. I never once slipped to return to cigarettes. Sure I dreamt about doing it (I think most ex smokers have the 'smoking dreams') but I did not miss it one bit. Not the lighting up, the taste or the ritual of smoking - first ciggie of the day with tea. Everything disappeared and it was like I had never smoked.
Certainly the habit is persistent, and it has a powerful grip on people but I cannot help being amazed at just how bad or potent some believe it to be. And allow me to repeat myself; I LOVED to smoke and was as unwilling to quit in my twenties as the most stubborn smoker is. There was no way it was going to happen. Or so I believed back then.
So if I, a smoker who enjoyed a ciggie as much as I enjoy a drink (but not together,) can kick it into touch, why on earth do others find it so difficult? Why do they need support sites and phonelines to help get them past a craving? Is it because their hearts are simply not in it? If thats the case, why bother attempting to quit at all? Afterall if your hearts not into it then puff to oblivion and be damned.
I fail to see how it is such a big hurdle. Smoking isn't like cocaine or whisky, or valium or amphetamine. So what is there to miss when you give up? The first cigarette might provide a tiny 'high' but the ones which follow don't. It really is money down the drain with only scabby lungs to show for it. (Many would argue its the same with drink and drugs but only by the ones who don't use either.)
Im not telling people they should quit the smokes, if it makes you happy more power to you. Just pointing out that if and when you do want to ditch the sticks then don't be put off by stories of 'terrible' withdrawal or the 'agony' of cold turkey. Those are the drama queens speaking ~ take it from me, its a piece of cake.