How To Kill A Film

Withnail's reaction

Most people will have seen the British comedy film Withnail & I (1986) which features Richard E. Grant and Paul McCann as boozy out of work actors. Its probably one of the most quoted movies of all time. And it is funny. Or it used to be. I made the mistake of watching it one too many times and now the film is dead for me. Not even Uncle Monty or a Camberwell carrot could help get a chortle out of my laugh box today. Very sad because it is a great film and if you haven't seen it, please check it out. It is hilarious. Sadly however, no longer so for me. *Unhappy Face*
Think i'll join Withnail in the zoo with a bottle wine.

An Agent For The Holidays

Tomorrow it is Thanksgiving Day in America and as an eager participant of over indulgance and alcohol I shall be celebrating with gusto as if the hounds of hell are at my heel. Nevermind that I am Welsh and living in the wilds of West Wales, the turkey will be roasted, the bread sauce whipped and Jagermeister chilled to within an inch of its beautiful life.
November is usually a miserable month in Britain, with its dark early evenings and biting, cold winds so hijacking another countries holiday to brighten up a few days is a much needed boost to the chilled marrow system.
The modern Thanksgiving holiday I understand stemmed from a 1621 celebration at the Plymouth Plantation, where the Plymouth settlers held a harvest feast after a successful growing season, so it might be argued it comes from the British. And as a limey desperate for action I have taken this information as licence to celebrate on turkey flesh and alcohol.
We globally share so many holidays I am suprised we haven't latched on to this one too. Little matter regarding the real meaning as most have abandoned the spirit of other more grand holidays. Halloween has become a gore fest and Christmas long ago been insulted by greed.
Thanksgiving 'feels' like a dressed down version of Christmas from this side of the Atlantic. It is how the Silly Season should be without the silliness and without being bloated to vulgar states. We know of Thanksgiving here and some celebrate it (I cannot be the only one can I?) but we don't laden it with gifts and carols. Of course if I were to skip over the pond it would no doubt feel different but as it is right now, to a writer hammering this out from the lush, green bosom of Wales, it feels right.
Eat, drink and give thanks for Life and a bountiful harvest but forget about the tinsel and gaudy baubels. Who had the Christmas number one song, or gave the biggest gift is neither important or classy. To be blunt they serve only as further proof of how cheap a person is.
It is quite honourable to give thanks to simple things and for one will be in merriment and giving thanks in earnest. It is the only proper thing to do, and one can only hope next months festivities get restored to a more humble level. We are supposedly celebrating the birth of a Saviour afterall. Humans are ever so fallible and often get lost to real meaning and all the cards and glitter in the world won't mean a thing if we forget that.

Happy Thanksgiving all !!

The Winking Skeever

The Skeever welcomes you

On my travels through the fabulous Skyrim (and I walk everywhere, no fast travel for my Nord) I found myself in the region of Haafingar, where the capital of Skyrim sits on a giant sea arch; the awesomely (and somewhat eerily) named Solitude. I had been looking forward to visiting this town/city ever since I saw it on the northern part of the map, well away from other habitations but the sheer size and goings on in the game kept me away from heading there straight. Skyrim is massive.
Anyway eventually I did get there (after battling a demented fire mage) and boy what a place it is! This could fast become my favourite city, especially when the first thing I encounter within its high walls are a public execution (see vid below), and the second is a tavern or Inn called The Winking Skeever! (A skeever is like a big rat). Brilliant! I want this place as my local and I'll see you there for a few jugs of Dragon's Breath Mead and a rabbit leg.
Just stay clear of the Radiant Raiment clothes shop, unless you fancy your fashion sense being insulted by three snooty sisters. They came mighty close to being turned into the Triple Sister Supreme kebab, served with melted Eidar Cheese courtesy of my Nordic Cold sword!


Send his soul to Svongarde!

Abseil With Entrails is Epic

Intestinal fun

Machete sure is a creative kinda guy. Being chased and shot at by armed thugs in a hospital? No problem amigo, simply gut one of them with a cranial scalpel and bail out the window whilst clutching the poor sods intestinal tract, using it to abseil to safety! Its the perfect exit if you happen to be a bad ass former Mexican Federale who can crush a mobile phone like it was a paper cup. And I reckon Danny Trejo (who plays said bad ass) could do this in real life too. (Not the entrail abseiling, the crushing phone trick).
Its one of many unforgetable scenes from a movie that is one of THE best action flicks of recent years, and is easily one of my favourite 'drunk films'. (I shall explain what these are in another post).


The 'anchor'

J.R Reads Dai Jakes

Dai Jakes Book: Big in Texas

The Walrus Stole My Bicycle

Queen and The Beatles, two of the best known and most successful groups ever to have existed on this crusty old planet. Their combined albums would probably generate enough hit singles to actually power said crusty planet and their live performances are legendary (or so im told.) And yet for all of these successes and glories I am not, or ever have been, a fan.
In fact it goes a little deeper than simply disliking them, I thoroughly detest their music and not a tune I have heard convinces me otherwise. Actually thats wrong, there IS one track by Queen which I don't mind but can't for the life of me remember the title, such is the impact these two acts have on me.
I don't know why but I find the songs childish and listening to an entire album by The Beatles would be a torment for me. In all honesty I would rather suck blisters. In fact I know very little of their songs having never knowingly listened to them but what I have heard ive thought rubbish. And im not saying this to appear different or be a cool kid apart from the masses, I genuinely think the music to be juvenile and in some instances clutching at straws.
On the flip side I do regard Freddie Mercury as one of the best frontmen to have stepped on stage, he had the glamour and a commanding presence which DEMANDED the audience to look at him. A fine voice too and a guy who was destined to be famous doing whatever he chose. The trouble was (for me) that Freddie was in the wrong band. Controversial thing to say to fans of Queen but of course im merely stating my opinion. I would have loved to see him front a band like AC/DC or Whitesnake. (There was another fantastic frontman - Bon Scott.)
The only redeeming feature of The Beatles was George Harrison. I enjoyed his tune about a weeping guitar (however tacky) and the Travelling Willburys were cool but The Beatles left me cold. How Lennon can be called a great songwriter is beyond me. And that Imagine jingle was the biggest pile of rancid phlegm ever to have seeped from a speaker. Drugged and lost in his own pantomime where he thought himself some kind of guru, Lennon was a man who believed everyone loved him. He saw himself as a walking piece of art and im convinced that as soon as he closed the door on the world and retreated to the privacy of his inner sanctum, he laughed at everyone. Thats right, laughed AT his legions of fans. I don't wish to sound heartless but im glad he's not around today.
But enough on the band members, lets look at their music. The reader will have to excuse me not knowing many titles but ones I do know are 'Help' 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' and im struggling now. One about an octopus in the sea, oh yes and a Yellow Submarine! Its all very tiring and there is nothing fantastically creative there, any teenager given enough acid could come up with it. I think a lot of people believe that because its The Beatles then they MUST love them because surely I can't be the only man alive who think they sound like chimps with xylophones?
Nothing they or Queen have written (apart from the nameless Queen song) have ever shaken my spirit and got my foot tapping merrily along. They're just a boring bunch of acts and I will always be STUNNED at how well they both did. Still as the old saying goes, there is none so queer as folk eh Fred?

What The Doc?

So the good doctor Conrad Murray has been found guilty of the involuntry manslaughter of the 'king of pop' Michael Jackson and faces four years in prison. Naturally Jacksons supporters are over the moon and stood outside the court shouting things like 'burn in hell Murray!' A pox on them all.
Have they forgotten what the singer was suspected of? I for one certainly haven't and I shed no tears from him being where is right now. Good riddance to the creep sez I.
Junkies die every day, its part and parcel of living that way. Doctor Murray wasn't forcing drugs down his 'patients' throat, or jamming them into his arms. Jackson wanted the pills and wanted them so badly that he was paying the physician £93,000 a month to have them. Its been reported that nutty Jacko ordered a four gallon vat of Propofol and if this is true is it any wonder he is dead? Propofol is a very powerful anaesthetic used in operating theaters, hardly a normal sleep aid.
But Michael Jackson was never normal. He wasn't weird in a cool way however, he was weird in a creepy, weak sort of way and if it wasn't for the fact that he was one of the biggest selling artists on the planet, nobody would have wanted anything to do with the man.


Thriller

Which brings me nicely to the Moonwalkers family. They say now that they love him and miss him, blah, blah, blah but where in the world of Peter Pan were they when he was ill? Anyone with a working pair of eyeballs could see that the man was in a bad way. Why did none of them attempt to intervene and try to arrest his deadly addiction? It goes on all the time with junkies in America im told, yet nobody bothered with Jackson, who was seemingly allowed to consume these narcotics as if he were eating popcorn.
I have been a drug user in the past and to get myself out of it I had to take personal responsibilty for my weakness to get control back.
Evidently nobody wanted this for Michael Jackson. He wanted his drugs and that led to its inevitable conclusion. Which is why if I could wave a magic wand and clear doctor Conrad Murray of any wrong doing, I would.

Tabloid Scroodge

The Sun newspaper has an article in todays issue telling us that 'Christmas dinner with all the trimmings can cost just £2.89 a head — if you trawl six different supermarkets'. Crumbs, I feel as if I should be moving in with Tiny Tim's family! Now forgive me if I sound a little bratty here, im aware the world is in financial turmoil, but isn't this just being miserly? I mean the Silly Season comes but once a year, so shouldn't it be a time when we can forget the misery and woes for a while and splash out on the finer things in life? Do we really need to eat cheap foods all the time? Its Christmas for Heavens sake! Cut loose for a while, we need it!
I haven't got anything against cheap food and supermarket own brands, hell's bells a lot of them are superior to the branded rubbish (who use too much salt), but just this once can't we open our wallets/purses a little wider than usual?


Christmas cheer: one drumstick each please

One could swear we were living in Third World Britain the way certain parts of the media paint it. Like I said, I know times are hard but surely not so hard we can't push the boat out once a year? Are things really that bad where you can't afford a lavish feast on December 25th? I think some folk kid themselves they are in this situation. (*Some* not all).
Im not a fan of these big family meals where there is 15 to a table and 4 dogs and a cat underneath but I do enjoy seeing the table and fridge groan from the weight of good food come Christmas, and before that Thanksgiving. There is no scrimping and only the best goes into my squealing trolley. The way I look at it is, there is enough money going out on different things throughout the rest of the year so these holidays are a time for me and my loved ones, a time where hard earned money comes to us for a change.
I urge everyone to do the same. We'll keep sane this way and won't fall completely into the depths of despair. Now pass me a cracker, one of those expensive ones which contain iPods and diamond nose studs.

The Hero Game

With the release of Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception today (and even more truly great titles due this month), the videogame has evolved into something more than just a game. Its been happening for a while of course but with this current crop of new releases, we can safely say that videogames are no longer mere games with hi-scores, they are interactive films, the natural extension of the movie with brilliantly written/scripted stories which contain convincing characters and fabulous looks.
What started in the late seventies/early eighties with the likes of Pac Man, Bombjack, Bubble Bobble, etc, has now turned into a bona fide, fully fledged successor to cinema. The digital tadpole has found its creative legs so to speak and could well sprint past film as the more popular form of entertainment (if it hasn't already). And why not? Its as 'legimate' as the silver screen as ever been.
People want more immersion into stories these days, one only has to look at the popularity of Wii games and 3D movies to see evidence of this. Im not knocking film but the thirst to get more involved is a real one, one that Hollywood cannot quench. We don't want to be swooning over the leading man or lady anymore, we want to be them, want to fire their guns and defeat the arch villain ourselves. The audience is no longer content with leaving it all up to Stallone & Co.


Nathan doing what he does best

Take last years Western game Red Dead Redemtion for instance. That was more than a videogame, it was an experience. The player actually felt as if they were in their very own Wild West adventure; we hunted animals, rescued damsels in distress, captured wanted men, played poker in typically Texan styled saloon bars. We lived like the games (anti)hero, John Marston lived. It was a hell of a ride and no offence to Josey Wales and all celluloid cowboys, it reached further into the spirit and tickled the emotions much more than a mere film ever could. You see as my fellow countryman, the folk singer Max Boyce would say, "I was there!"
Videogames have been constantly evolving; one of my first 'real life' games was Shenmue on Sega's Dreamcast and it is a title that holds wonderful memories in the games files in my brain. The hi-score table, while still very important to games, isn't everything. Not anymore.
And we have grown up too which makes games even more equal to the big screen. The Playstation 2 had games like The Getaway and today we see the likes of Alan Wake, Heavy Rain and L.A. Noire selling like fresh Welshcakes. All of these have fantastic stories and are produced to the highest quality. Alan Wake plays out exactly like a television series, in fact its impressed myself and others way beyond television. Its brilliant!
I have been saying this for a while now, but movies today have a very short leash. Im not trying to convince you that they are finished, im simply putting videogames in their proper place; equal (but more satisfying) to film. Game on!