Dear Rest of the World

More Bony Bum than Boney M

MTV have a new reality television show (haven't we got enough of these by now?) called 'The Valleys', and it is supposed to show real life here in Wales. Being a proud Welshman I felt it my duty to defend my beautiful country. Please world, don't be fooled! This show might be an accurate depiction of a friday and saturday night in the cities (and thats any UK city not just Wales) where trampy, self indulgent women and vain men wallow in fake tan and kebab grease, but its certainly not a true reflection on the rest of this country. And to think that even if a single person outside Wales believes The Valleys is typical of all Welshmen and women is extremely depressing.
Real reality check ~ most decent Welshies are embarrassed over this show and are weeping into our cawls that we are being portrayed as crass, lewd thickos who do nothing but dream of fame and fortune all day. One of the shows bimbos even admits that her boyfriend keeps her, while she searches for her slice of the celebrity pie. Another said, “it’s not for old people, for nannas and stuff. If you’ve got a bum like me, let me tell you it’s banging, so get it out.” Dear me, put the bony looking thing away love and where is the OFF button?
This NOT Wales. This is not real Wales. This a snapshot of the deluded minds of teenagers throughout Britain (and probably the rest of the world.) Watch it by all means, but watch it as it should be watched, like a piece of silly entertainment and not as a real glimpse of Welsh life. Think of it more The Hills Have Eyes than The Valleys.

Brand vs Value, Round 6

Now theres fancy!

Tesco ditch basic range after admitting shoppers are 'too embarrassed' to buy the blue and white striped products", so sayeth the Daily Mail (four months after everybody else mind you.)
Dai Jakes is going to be a tad extreme here to make a point (the point being that hardly anyone cares who buys what. I might go off on one so thought I had better be clear from the start.)
Why dont the supermarkets just have 'Skint' and 'Not So Skint' aisles? Afterall its what they are doing anyway with these value packages, its just less noticable. Im not being funny (or trolling) here, im genuinely being erm....genuine. People appreciate honesty. Be honest with yourselves, if you see someone pick up a cheap pizza or something, you do think they are struggling. And theres no shame in that, a lot of people are these days. Nobody thinks any less of people who buy the cheaper stuff.
In fact its brand snobs who are thought of with disdain when some are buying them purely because they think its better and some things are not. (Mr Jakes used to be one of them.) I admit that the value meat like sausages can be foul and I wouldn't feed it to a dog but the tinned stuff can be good. Im speaking from experience here because as readers of my other (food) blog will know, I have had 'face offs' between the brands and budget types and quite a few times cheapest came off the clear winner. Soup is a good exaapmle. Some of the pricier soups are like drinking a mug of salt while the budget labels don't pack so much of a sodium punch.
So I dont see a problem with having cheap and pricey aisles because like I say most folks don't think less of others who are putting the budget brands in their shopping trolley. And those that do are fools. (God only knows what they think of me when they see me buying both branded and value groceries when I do my foody based 'face offs'. Laughs Out Loud.)

Chief Whip? Or Chief Pleb?

the Good Ship Tory

A Conservative Chief Whip shouts this to police on Downing Street ~ “Best you learn your f**king place. You don’t run this f**king government. You're f**king plebs."
This foul, arrogant volley by Andrew Mitchell comes days after two policewomen were shot dead. Yep nice one Thrasher (the odious oiks nickname), thats done wonders to dispel the accusations that its clueless toffs in government hasn't it? I bet Cameron was thrilled when he heard about this. Really thrilled. Heh.
Talk about an over inflated sense of entitlement. It seems that with each new day the Tories are either doing U Turns or shooting their tootsies off (ruining their poncey loafers.) Do thy really believe they will hold on to power come 2015 when most of the population sees them as smug, rich and living in another world? Not a chance. (And Labour are not much better.)
Dai Jakes is a big fan of Twitter and liked what Gareth Morgan, assistant chief constable of West Mercia Police Tweeted: "Seem to recall from my school days (good comp) that Roman Empire collapsed without plebians when patricians were left in charge." Quite. Let us hope this pathetic little outburst against police officers who on the whole do a damn fine job, is what starts the Tory collapse. (Although in truth it started before this story broke.)

Gleision Colliery: A Poem

As prayers are being said all over Wales for the four miners who died at Gleision Colliery, I publish my poem again in their honour.

Dim Haul Dros Gleision (No Sun Over Gleision)

There was no sun that day
when four miners lights went out for good;
the cave mouth stretched into an endless hymn
as hawks and kinder birds carved the sky
to guide spirits to their rest.
Heroes of an unforgiving underworld,
the earthly tomb,
kingdom of the black.
While I and all of Wales tipped hands to God
four blinded roots were pulled
and the red dragon's one lifted claw
was raised a little higher in honour of the men.
Gartref bois! Home!
From the eyeless santuary of the pit
to the Valleys call,
our father's land
where you will have the symphony of a nation's hearts
to sing you to your rest,

A bydd yr haul ddim farw nawr...
(and the sun won't die now)

© Steven Francis poems 2011

The Car Boot Heist

Retro gaming. Im a big fan. Huuuuuge. I collect videogames for older consoles like Sega Dreamcast and more importantly I play them and have done since I got my first home computer in 1983. And a big part of collecting retro games is tracking down those must have elusive titles. Yes you can go the eBay route but for me, wandering around a car boot (flea market) or charity shop and finding the title ive spent months (even years) chasing gives me a buzz. You can't beat discovering a title like Tombi or Shenmue 'in the wild' (that is not on auction sites.) But it would seem my hobby is getting popular, and as with everything that gets into the mainstream, sooner or later it gets the soul ripped out from it. Dodgy market traders with no love for gaming, out to make a quick few pounds by trying to snap up every title they can find in order to charge way over the odds. the trouble is (and its sadly spreading quickly) is that some people now believe every title is worth hundreds and they try charging stupid prices at car boots/flea markets for even average titles. I tried explaining this to a woman on sunday that just because Luigi's Mansion is worth around £15, doesnt mean the original Halo is worth the same. She lost what would have been a good sale from me through being greedy. A lot of the time spent cruising car boot sales these days is wasted by foolish sellers flogging average games for way over a fair price. "Every games a rare, classic gem!" They say. Only they are not. Seeing something like Tekken 2 be offered for £10 is quite frankly a joke. Yes its a brilliant game, yes fighting fans should own it but £10? Too much my man, too much. Of course convincing the seller they are flogging a game for too much is like nailing jelly to a ceiling and so it must go that they miss out on a sale.
Look im a fair guy, if I see a hard-to-find title reaching into double figures then im more than happy to stump up the cash, and will merrily skip away with a big, fat contented smile pasted onto my mug. But A Bug's Life for £20? No dice, no, no, no. I sincerely hope some traders read this and adjust their prices accordingly because at least then, they would actually make some money, gamers would get a decent deal and everone would be happy. As it is now though thats all that is happening is sellers make nothing because of their foolish greed and gamers go home without a clutch of goodies.

The Royal 'Pair'

Ooh La La le Katie

A French magazine has published photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge topless and of course Buckingham Palace are most upset over it. The pics were taken on private land so I can understand their anger, (or "sadness" as media have reported them as being.)
However private or not (hasn't the Duchess heard of telescopic lenses?), you can just imagine the tabloids in Britain chomping at the bit to be first to release the images. They say they have scruples but they dont, not really. Editors are most likely foaming at the mouth as I type, and not out of anger.
Indeed a popular blog in the UK is trying to beat the red tops to it and is already asking its followers whether they should publish the pics.
Allow Mr Jakes to run wild here a second. I believe they should publish them. A topless image of the future Queen would very '21st century' (on a £50 note perhaps?) and give the Royals an even bigger boost making them more popular than they've ever been, especially amongst men. Are we really so offended by breasts? We've had Page 3 for years and managed not to implode from deviancy so far.
Of course I realise im stepping into the realm of sexist, lad's mag reading pig but its not as if Closer magazine have published a Paris Hilton type sex tape is it? Its just a Royal pair, poker has it, why cant we?
And as a mark of the age we live in, these photographs will help the couple get more popular than ever. Look at brother in law Harry, his popularity has gone through the roof since his naked pics in Las Vegas were released. Its a faux outrage among our red tops in any case because a British paper will more than likely publish them in the next few days because "they can be seen elsewhere anyway so whats the harm?"
Of course its not nice when your privacy is intruded upon (and lets be clear, the couple were on private land) but surely with all that happened to Williams mother in the past, he has learned to take more care? Its nice to let it all hang out but when one is married to the future king of England, it pays to be certain there are no pesky lenses around.

Again The Likes We Never See

A great Briton

Charles Burgess Fry Born: April 25th, 1872 Died: September 7th, 1956
Even in his youth C.B was recogniesed as an all round exceptionally gifted person. A poster boy for the term 'clever clogs'. He excelled at a number of sports (seen above playing cricket) but not content with sport, C.B was also a brilliant teacher, politician, writer, editor and publisher. Like I said, clever clogs but a truly great Briton.
We'll never see the like of C.B. Fry again. The earth has moved, ambition shifted and all the people now are clowns. In our rush to step into the future, in our thirst to make evrything easier (mostly via internet, apps, Kindle, iTunes, etc), we have discarded real adventure and sold our soul to convenience.
It was all so different in Fry's time. You had to work and push both muscle and mind to a much greater level if you wanted to make an impact back then. Even hobbies required more spirit to pursue them. And it created character, a type on Man that could never exist today. Now its mostly copy and paste, and lily livered downloads. Convenient yes, but not very exciting.

Carpet Walkers

Hi, im Sissy Screengrabber

 

Why do people insist on waiting outside arenas and such, just to watch celebrities walk on some silly red carpet and attend award shows like the recent GQ Awards? It seems so....pathetic to me, and not at all how supposed civilised, sentinet beings should behave. Go to any newspaper website with a GQ Award story (or watch live coverage of a film premier) and there you will see pictures of them, grinning mobs waving mobile phones around and screeching some famous persons name like they were the Messiah. I suspect if ever I met one of these nitwits in a pub, I would get a better conversation with Mr Screengrabber up there. He looks less sinister too.
In this celebrity obssessed age, I really should accept that this has become the 'norm' for such sad behaviour but I don't want to damn it! I refuse to believe (as much as I am able) that a race of beings who included Leonardo Da Vinci and William Shakespeare in their number, could be so excited and even smitten by the mere sight of somebody who happens to be in the public eye. "Yippee! Angelina Jolie just walked past!" Come on now people, this is not a big deal. Or even a small deal. Surely you have a better life (and mind) than this? Please say you do!
And as for the GQ Awards, Nancy Dell'Olio at 51 years of age made the rest of the women (half her age) look quite plain and 'plastic baggy'.   

On Rolled the Mad Ball Sensing A Lens

We all knew a kid at school who could be counted on to do daft stunts for attention. The permenant classroom jester, ready to perform whenever he (it was usually always a boy) fancied a bit of ego massaging. Jump in a river fully clothed? Sure thing! Dance on the headmasters car? Can do! Hell if there was a guaranteed large audience, this 'crazy funster' could even be persuaded to eat live earthworms. How do I know? Because Dai Jakes was this boy! Usually the type of kid to be found sitting under a tree reading a book, or painting heavy metal bands logos on my books, if ever I felt the need for the cheers from my classmates, I would do anything. Well almost anything.
Fastforward twenty five years and with the advent of the internet, and more importantly Youtube, the stakes have been raised way higher than jolly japes in the classroom. And it isn't only attention hungry teenagers who are risking all (even their lives) for high ratings on their Youtube channel. Its going end in tears one day, thats if it already hasn't in cases we dont know of.
With so many video hosting websites, everyone can be a reality television 'star' today and by and large its a good thing. Travel videos saved for eternity online, the ability to share videos for far away relatives and friends to enjoy. I love it. But as with anything to do with the internet, it has a dark side. Especially when it comes to lounge room legends (legends in their own mind) and disciples of MTV's Jackass. From Russian teenagers risking their lives by messing around on 300ft rusty towers, French loonies doing pull ups from 200ft cranes (no safety gear at all) and now we can see the rise of the "who-can-eat-the-grossest-thing" videos (see below.) People almost whoring themselves out by willingly performing stupid stunts in an effort to be 'internet famous'. Its quite sad really. And the less said about those idiots drinking pints of whisky (probably cold tea) on camera the better. Like I said, its all going to end in tears. And a few mourners.

** VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED **