Oh Dear...Strike One

I don't know, Mr Jakes goes away for a few days (blasted computer) and on return finds the UK up to its hairly ears in pasties, stamps & petrol. Tax here, strikes there, and a government tripping over itself in its oversized brogues. Tut tut! What are we to do? The petrol stations have been choked to the pumps for the last two days with lunatics cramming as much petrol as they can into tanks and jerrycans, preparing as if world apocalypse were around the corner. And now we hear that one lady is fighting for her life after an accident with fuel in her kitchen. (That bit of advice about "storing some petrol in a jerrycan in the shed" doesn't seem so wise now). Dear me what a week! Still Gorgeous George did well last night in Bradford eh? I like George Galloway. Ever since I watched him give the American Senate a black eye back in 2005, I admired his punchy attitude.

Machete Dai

Machete never forgets!

Mr Jakes' Great Golf Skive!

A new way to spend those long hours at the office when paperwork doesn't seem so attractive. Carpet golf!

** Currently No Signal **

Cue tumbleweeds

Its been five days since I had my paws on mobile phone (cell phone to US readers) and it must said, im not missing it one bit. Well not strictly true, I do miss the camera/video capture and my tunes but other than those, nope! I can go walk in the countryside or along the coast and nobody can reach me. So liberating! And don't get me wrong, im not some hippy type who is unhappy being hooked up to technology which follows me everywhere I go. Ive just had a gut full of phones. Heck I spent the first 25 years of my life without one so it wasnt hard to get shot of it.
I will keep updating this post to show how im getting on.

P.S. I'll still carry a mobile, but only an older one and purely for the camera/video feature. The SIM won't be active.

Dangers and Jackpots

One day I am going to win big on the lottery. Its not a case of 'might' or 'if', I will. How can I be so sure? Easy, luck is on my side in this life and I have been blessed with it when I needed it the most. Indeed I wouldn't even be writing this now if luck wasn't on my shoulder, I would be dead. An dead many times over. Lets take a look at some of th near fatal e mishaps thats cropped up during my relatively short time on the planet:

1. Fell head first into a narrow and deep well in my great aunts garden. Fortunately my brother pulled me out or I would surely have drowned.
2. Fell from a tree, onto a garage roof, rolled from the roof onto a wall then bounced off the wall to the ground. Not even a scratch.
3. Placed metal objects in electrical mains.
4. Fell 40ft down the side of a mountain onto a main road.
5. Numerous alchol overdoses. At one stage I amazed the doctors by not having vitamins in my body. Alcohol had depleted them.
6. Rodea motorbike off a ramp and landed on a railway track. (Where the Millenium Coastal park is now, just outside Burry Port).
7. Climbing a 100ft quarry face with no rope or any safety equipment.
8. Skateboarding and ending up in front of an oncoming truck. Pretty hairy that was!
9. Running out onto the road and hitting a car. No injuries.
10. Almost getting swept out to sea.


Me on my homemade half pipe ramp

Those are just the top ten 'classics' but its safe to assume that since I have never broken a bone or recieved stitches for wounds from knives (I used to play regularly with throwing daggers and shurikens in my youth) that some kind of good luck rides with me on this earthly journey. And this is why my six numbers will come up for me one day. Indeed they have once but that was on the Thunderball and I dont play that. Shame as I would have won £250,000 but shit happens. I can wait.
And no, im not telling you the numbers.

Fists Of Fury

Phone number 11

Some people should never have pets. I should never own a mobile phone. As you can see dear reader, I break them too easily when they decide not to work. Perhaps I have anger management issues but its only ever gadgets I have directed my fury at, never a person or animal. These things have no soul so why not crush them if they don't work like they should? It relieves a lot of stress, believe you me! Okay it would be cheaper to buy a stress ball but I like seeing things crack. I like to look at something that stubbornly refused to function properly all twisted and smashed. Breaking stuff is fun, you cannot deny that.
Its part of the reason im a fan of such hardcore bands as the wonderful Cannibal Corpse, because its a rush. The music is brutal and blows the cobwebs away. I hate being frustrated with machines and gadgets like videos, laptops and phones and many of all those have met with a crunchy demise at my hands. I threw a video recorder through a window once and that was pretty overkill I'll admit but it felt good.
Now ive come acrooss as some kind of mindless vandal but I can assure you im not. I simply want things to work. Is that too much to ask? I understand nothing is fail safe but there you go.
I can't see me buying another mobile because its pretty pathetic how some folk let their cell phone rule every aspect of their lives. They must have very shallow souls. No offence meant.

24 Hour Shopping Shocker!

So Chinless George will announce on wednesday (Dai Jakes is announcing it today) that sunday trading laws will be relaxed while the Olympics is on to allow us to enjoy 24 hour shopping. Nevermind that nobody has any money to buy anything eh Georgie?
Whoo! 24 hour shopping! Stand back in amazement! Is it just me or does it seem terribly old fashioned that shops don't open 24 hours anyway? We have pubs open sunday all day, 24 hour banking and internet shopping. Seems odd to have to wait for a store to open on the high street. I doubt people will be that bothered to be honest because like I said, we're all broke.

Wales Grand Slam Winners 2012

We did it! Wales grand Slam 2012 winners!

Gelert's Grand Slam Prediction

Gelert hath spoken! Let it be written, let it be done. May the God of Oval Balls bless Wales, and guide us on the path to victory on this momentous day. May all the Welsh be drinking out of winners trophies tonight, and the Grand Slam be bathed in red. May the red dragon's flight steer us into glory! Amen.

In Memory of Merv the Swerve

Merv: never forgotten

I was greeted with very sad news this morning after switching the radio on. Wales rugby legend Mervyn Davies had passed away, aged just 65. And the word 'legend' is thrown about these days as cheaply as confetti, but Merv the Swerve was a real legend. Bona fide.
One of the best captains ever, he won two Grand Slams with Wales and three Triple Crowns. Players past and present found inspiration in this proud Welshman.
Heartbreaking he should leave us on the eve of a possible third Grand Slam in seven years. Time and fate are no respectors of mortals of course but this was cruel timing and Wales has one less colourful soul in it today than when it went to sleep last night. That soul will be looking down on the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff tomorrow and inspire the team to a great win.



This is Mervyn's 1969 Wales International rugby cap. Nod da Cymro annwyl, nos da.

Oh Foulest Blackberry, Begone!

After months of headaches, I have finally kicked the Blackberry smartphone (smart? Yeah right!) out of my bed and moved on. Good riddance to it, the horribe f**king thing! If ever a gadget needed execution, the Blackberry is it. But at least I did a good deed out of getting rid of it by selling it to someone on EvilBay for a mere £15. Hell you can't even get a basic mobile for that price these days so his Christmas came early. Yes I could have gotten more for it but I wanted to sell it cheap to show my utter contempt for the crappy company. (Plus a good deed is good for halo points and Lord knows I need 'em).
I hope the buyer has more happiness than I ever had with it but I could stand it no longer. And now I know why the cell phone shop made customers sign a document barring them from asking for refunds on Blackberry, which is why I won't be dealing with that store again either. I don't mind naming them, its the Orange shop in Carmarthen and my advice would be to stay away. (Is it even legal to make customers sign such things? What an offensive policy).


Blackberry: you have a message

Anyway I care not because I wouldn't own a Blackberry again if they threw in a seven bedroom house and a French maid to go with it. Lousy camera, loading start up times from hell, unreliable service, cheap knock off apps, appalling battery life, quiet music volume, etc etc. Just a horrid horrid little mobile phone. They don't even make decent accessories for the things. Tacky looking tat like the kind you commonly see in pound shops and the like.
So buh bye Blackberry thou infectious swag-bellied baggage!
Thank you Shakespeare for such a grand insult.

My Television Sits Idle Like Coffins prt II

Evil Edna

Ive touched on this subject before but im not afraid to cover old ground when fresh ideas come knocking. Or no fresh ideas as the case may be on this topic. You for me, television is dead. Ive never been a big fan of it to be honest. Sure it had its time back in the golden days of the 1980s with shows like Chips, Dallas, Streethawk and The A Team but those days are long gone.
I do have giant plasma/LCD screens but I can count on one hand the things I watch on them. Its videogames that get most of my time nowadays (when im not on teh interwebz). I did try to watch Game Of Thrones but lost interest after the third episode. Not because of the show, the show is great, but I just cannot get into the habit of watching television. I feel foolish doing it which will seem silly to the majority of people, seeing as addicted as they are to it. but heres the real deal: I feel as awkward watching television as I would be sitting naked on my doorstep.
The only programmes (are they even called 'programmes' these days?) I could name are the aforementioned Game Of Thrones and Sons Of Anarchy. Thats it. Those two are television heavy metal and being a born MetalHead its only natural I enjoy them but even then I have to wait until the series comes out on Blu Ray boxset in order to see them because sitting on the sofa waiting for a programme to come on is alien to me. I simply don't like doing it. Just thinking about it brings a cloud of boredom over my head. I love videogames because im immersed in the thick of the action, im a part of what is happening and I can more or less dictate a lot of the outcomes, especially in open world sandbox titles.
I dont get this with television. With that im merely an impotent observer, a lurker to the action. Sterile and fiddling with a useless manhood.

RIP the tube

Gelert's Welsh Rugby Prediction

Lets face it, humans make too may errors. So Dai Jakes put his red dragon pattern wellies on and trudged out to ask the esteemed sheep Gelert, near Merlin's Hill field in Carmarthen what todays 6 Nations score will be in the Wales v Italy game. Over to you Gelert....



So there it is. Iechyd da pawb!

Last Orders on Titanic

The captain makes sure

Dai Jakes finds it highly unlikely that the woman who claims she saw Captain Smith, drunk on the Titanic, before it sunk is telling the truth in her letter. If we're not mistaken she was in Second Class, however she says the good captain was drinking (allegedly) in the First Class saloon. No way she could have seen him in that case because the riff raff were very strictly segregated on ships in those times. With good reason too we hasten to add. Last thing you want is to be rubbing shoulders with some peasant hacking into a cheap hand rolled cigarette while you lunch on lobster.

Wires In The Ether

I just found this online:

Should You Hire a Social Media Manager?
"Did you know you can also outsource your social media? There are people out there whose job is to handle other peoples’ social media marketing, saving them oodles of time on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, Constant Contact, you name it".

So this is it then. Evolve 2.0 The Modern Soul. The humble chat room has arisen into something that nobody can escape or ignore. (And please excuse me being overly dramatic here, its just my way). Some internet users a few years ago claimed they would never sign up to socila media sites but now it would seem they will have to. Or miss out.
And those note yet 'webbed up' are unaware of the monster that lurks in the wings. It will come for them too, as surely as the microwave nudged the oven onto the subs bench.
If we are so 'internet minded' that people are suggesting we hire 'social media managers' then the wires have truly gotten under our human skin.

Lenient Sentences and Sicker Paragraphs

The story about 29 year old Gemma McCluskie, an actress whose headless body was found in London is terribly sad, and my thoughts go out to her family and friends. Nobody should have to meet death in such a grusome way and so young. One would think most people would feel the same and no doubt the saner ones do (I haven't lost ALL hope yet) but there are also twisted individuals who think this tragedy is comical. They are merrily creating sick 'jokes' and posting them all over the internet, on joke sites and in news comments and frighteningly very few have pulled these creeps up on their vile antics.
Who killed compassion? When did it wither on the vine and dry with the sand? Some folk have totally and utterly lost any thread of humanity. Why on earth has a brutal murder become the subject of such hilarity? Are we so desensitised to violence and horrors that it has become acceptable to poke fun at the headless body of a young woman?


Justice be done. Or we will be...

I believe a lot of blame can be pointed at our lenient sentencing. Afterall if the State thinks a crime warrants a lenient sentence, the public believe the crime to be not too bad. Five years for rape? Tweleve years for murder? Those crimes cant be that heinous then can they? If, as the Anti death penalty mob are fond of saying, a country killing its murderers are simply saying its okay to kill, then surely one handing out soft punishment is doing the same?
And this allows the rot to seep deeper into society because we start to see violent crime as almost trivial. Go back to Victorian times, or even as recent as the 1940/50s. Crime was dealt with much more severly then than it is now and as a consequence of that people respected the law of the land. Id even go so far as suggest folk had sympathy when their fellow man suffered at the hands of thugs and murderers. Why? Because back in those distant days, killing somebody meant you would recieve the full weight of justice. People knew it was a serious offence when they witnessed murderers hang for it.
Fastforward to 2012 and we are seeing killers freed before they've even had time to grow a decent beard! As a result of this, murder doesn't send the same shockwaves through towns and cities anymore so idiots on the internet cannot see the harm in posting tasteless 'jokes'. And there is no use being angry at these trolls, we have done this to ourselves.
The way to save humanity from turning in on itself and getting warped out of recognition is withdrawing the woollen mitten we currently use to punish serious crime, and replace it with something that will actually put a dent in it. Do this and respect will fall into place by its own motion.

Ordinary Superstar

Famous people, you have to love them. It would seem that behind the flashing cameras, toothy smiles and crates of loot, all they want is to be normal. Like you and I. Take Johnny Depp for example. Ive just spotted a quote of his where he spouteth, "I just want to be normal, get older, have a beer belly and look at a lake". You can have mine if you'd like Mr Depp!
Does anybody actually believe these people when they say things like this? Or is it simply a nonsense attempt to 'keep it real'? And Johnny with a beer gut? That would be fun to see, if only to prove the beautiful folk are human too. I understand their thirst for normality because as a reclusive creature by nature, fame wouldn't be my cup of tea. In fact even thinking about it is enough to cause sweaty palms. To recieve the amount of attention people like David Beckham get, would be a torment worse than a stint in the bowels of hell. No thank you very much!
But would the famous really want to leave their fortune and glory to be a beer bellied slob? I think you know the answer.

Little Man In Yellow

So in the news today, a grandmother has been fined seventy five quid by a 'litter enforcer'. Why? Did she leave a half eaten parcel of chips on the pavement for the seagulls to finish off? Or fly-tip a few moth eaten sofas and a manky fridge in a hedge? Nope, neither of these. So what gives? Why the £75 for granny? It seems a strand of cotton had come free and fallen from her glove, which was spotted by the 'enforcer' who promptly wrote out the fine. Oh my good God! Send for the stocks and rotting vegetables! This lady needs put in place!
What a farce! What absolute tosh! More proof that these jobsworths are nothing more than pocket sadists, who believe the gnats privates amount of power they hold give them the might of kings. Pathertic little turds! Anyone with even half a mind could see that falling thread from clothing does not constitute deliberate littering. Are the council employing retarded half wits these days to tick some quota or something? Looks like it from where im typing.
Happily for the lady involved, it seems that Blaenau Gwent council have seen sense and revoked the fine after 'an investigation', but I hope they give her a few pounds extra for the stress and humiliation caused. Afterall money is tight for everyone these days and finding £75 is a big ask from pensioners, and no doubt her name was published in the 'fines column' of her local paper. Oh and sack the wally who issued the fine too. Jumped up tosspot.
Im all for clamping down on litter louts (hell id introduce a Corrective Work Order scheme like Singapore), but common sense must be applied when punishing people. A single thread of cotton falling from a glove? Hardly a skip full of rubble and broken chairs is it? Also whats with the title 'Litter Enforcer'? Is this what these cretins are officially called? If it is then its little wonder such pencil pushing bullies are attracted to the job because the word 'enforcer would make the worms feel like Judge Dredd. My guess is 70% of them daydream of having had a career in special forces but I digress.
Im glad the council involved realised their mistake and scrapped the fine and I would love to believe issues like this are few and far between but I can't see it myself. Afterall you give a sheriffs badge to someone who has no real, legitimate power and you create a monster. With a small penis.

St David's Day Blessings

Balchder Cymru

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Sant Hapus Pawb! Happy St David's Day Everyone! Blessings to you from the Dai Jake's Book!
And this year we are rugby Triple Crown winners, who could be heading for another Grandslam so there is an added Celtic glow over the mugs of Glengettie and bowls of Cawl today. The Welsh spirit is indeed charged with gusto and hwyl!
The poem 'Armes Prydein Fawr' (written around 930) proves how popular St David was/is. In the poem, the poet prophesised that when all seems lost, the Welsh would follow the Saint and be victorious over the english. Check out this line from the piece ~ "A lluman glân Dewi a ddyrchafant!" Which translates to, "And they will raise the pure banner of Dewi!" Stirring isn't it? A calling of the clans to unite!
Dai Jakes is certainly looking forward to eating Cawl & Welshcakes later, whilst pounding out Dafydd Iwan singing the fabulous Yma O Hyd. He will be lost in a patriotic fog of Cymraeg and tears of sheer pride will roll down the whiskery chops.
Enjoy the day everyone! Cymru Am Byth!!