White Dee: Assassin of DWP

We have a programme here in Britain called "Benefits Street", a cheap and tawdry show (though ive never watched it myself) about the every day lives of lazy good for nothings sucking the country dry by claiming benefits while drinking, thieving and generally dossing around being nothing. There are genuine claimants but these are not them. All they seem to do is hang around a street doing zilch (besides boozing and smoking). Like ive said, I don't watch it but ive read enough in the media to get a general idea of what these people are about: scrounging.
And now would you believe, we seem to have made a celebrity out of one of the morons in it, someone who goes by the name of 'White Dee'. Dear God it sounds like a monicker for an assassin! "Beware the White Dee! Shadowy hitman of the department of work and pensions!"
The odious looking woman is everywhere: radio, papers, television, magazines. Have we gone stark raving mad? Turning a bone idle slob into a celebrity, it boggles the mind it truly does. I realise this world has become obsessed with celebrity but to make one out of some benefit scrounger is lunacy of the highest order. And nothing short of obscene. Is this the way we are heading? Just pluck any old toe rag off the street and make them a star, depressing to think we have sunk this far.
The honest work hunters and genuine disabled ought to be very angry with this oaf, she is exactly the type of person that is giving all the ammunition for welfare cuts because as far as the government is concerned every person on benefits are like her so make no mistake, all of you claimants will suffer.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, should be applauding the awful White Dee. She is a pox on us all.

Have a good day all!

A Knight Of Our Times

Suits you Sir!

Today we learn that David Beckham could be Knighted. Arise SirDai Beckham! (Briefly dreams of LordDai Jakes). One might say its less LordHaw Haw but more Sir Ha Ha? Okay, rubbish jokes aside, why the surprise? Did we not all see it coming? The venerable *coughs* Mr Jakes certainly did. This is my friends is very much a Knighthood of our times. Its perfect for our new age culture of celebrity, a natural progression. Most people these days worship television and the fame it bestows on its vacuous 'victims', and Beckham, even though I happen to like the man, is king of this. They might as well make it official. I can certainly think of worse people to give a gong. Dame Katie Price anyone?
David has done a ton of good work for charity, and love him or loathe him, he is a good role model for our youngsters. There have been some real disaster stories coming from the world of sport, football especially, but the boy Dave done good. I don't understand folk saying he shouldn't be Knighted because he spends most of his time in America either. Are we not all free to live wherever we like? I didn't realise that if I was made SirDai Jakes (dreaming again) I would have to be permanently based in Britain. Does Sir Paul McCartney live in the UK? (And not being a Beatle fan, I actually had to Google to see if he was a Sir or not). It would be a petty reason not to award someone a gong in my humble opinion. But then David Beckham has had to put up with this kind of garbage for a while now, envy mostly from people who are quite content sitting in an anonymous den typing spiteful bilge online.
Listen, I will happily admit there are more deserving 'unknowns' who will never be recognised for their good deeds toward good causes and their fellow man, and if it were up to me they would all be Knighted but such is life. Its not perfect, and like I have said, is Sir Beckham so bad? At least he's not falling out of a nightclub at 4am, drugged out of his eyeballs, or chasing women old enough to be his grandmother (not that that is necessarily a bad thing *laughs*).
Want to know something else? As a guy who has tattoos himself, I think its kinda cool to be getting a Knight with arms covered in ink. Feels like the outlaws have invaded the Palace! Or at least become accepted as not only prisoners and sailors get tattooed. Better not show them to Her Maj though eh.
I bet Victoria B is over the moon at the prospect of hubby becoming a Knight of the Realm (although it is not a done deal yet). I can see it now:, Lady Beckham handbags and gladrags with emphasis on the 'Lady' part. She'll make the title hip or sick, or whatever words the trendy kids are using these days. Oh and look on the bright side, at least it removes, or should, the last vestiges of any possibility that the Spice Girls will ever get back together. Cin Cin!

Safety Catch Off

Mr Jakes and friend in rehab

I am not a fan of Paul Gascoigne but I have been where he is in regards to drinking so he has my best wishes. However I fear this is a story that is doomed to end in tears. Footballers and celebrity friends can throw all the money they want towards rehab costs but money means NOTHING to addiction. It is worthless. It is like trying to treat cancer with wine gums and doc leaves. Believe me, and I really do not wish to dwell on negativity here, I have looked into the eyes of an alcoholic who has given up the ghost and Gascoigne has the exact same look about him. And famous friends won't help. Or their money.
In fact where on earth were these friends to allow him to get so bad? Lonliness plays a huge part in alcoholism (especially when one finally gets clean), so where was the concern over Paul then? It seems to me that unless the ex footballer is in dire needs and on death's door, his so called friends let him get on with it. They are nowhere to be seen. Of course when his flame burned brightest (Italia 1990? Im not a football fan) they flocked to his 'glow' but come the arrival of the doldrums they disappear like Dodos. This has been the saddest thing to witness for me, the empty smiles in newspapers, knowing he's probably weeping inside.
A friend of Gascoigne has said, "it could be a long road to recovery." Quite. It is the longest road of all. (Or shortest depending on how quick one is picking up a bottle again.) Money is not going to help here. It might soothe a few consciences of those who feel the pangs of guilt, but throwing money at an alcoholic who looks hellbent on drinking no matter what is pure folly. I really hope he can get sober but excuse me having mega doubts that he will. You have to want to do it but worryingly Paul looks like he doesn't. In fact he reminds me so much of the late George Best, who was another filled with promises of never drinking again, blah blah, blah and yet only stopped when it killed him.
In all of my long time as a drinker (and having had another alcoholic in the family), ive heard and seen it all, and it hurts me to say it but I know the look of the beaten. The look of a person completely surrendering to alcohol. The look of Paul Gascoigne.

Refuge Of The Question Marks

Yes sir, those are REAL crickets

So it has arrived on our screens once again like a persistant boil but with added gloop. Yep the dreadful "Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" is back courtesy of ITV. Gee thanks guys! I feel all warm inside like Christmas. (Or something like that.) Now I know people still watch it because Twitter and Facebook tell me so, but like many other reality television progs I am still at an utter loss as to WHY they tune in? Is it because we (or rather you) like to watch some bottom of the barrel 'celebrity' eat raccoon balls in order to try and salvage a thread of a flagging (see: dead) career? Or is it to ogle juicy but vacant young women in bikinis? Or do you simply like like jungles?
It may be all three of those of course but Dai Jakes has started to think its because everyone has gotten bored. Numbed from 24 hour entertainment, we (or you) are content to sink into the bubble gum sofa and watch while some has-been (who was never that popualr even in their hey day) swims through sh*t and munches on beetle heads. Come on now admit it, its not very good is it? If you want to see folk doing dumb things just surf on over to Youtube and voila! (Heck even the Official Dai Jakes channel has me eating insects on it from Manor House nr Tenby. See above pic.)
It will always suprise me how successful reality telly has been, I mean its not even remotely exciting. (But like I said people are numbed by it all.) I watched a few 'episodes' of "Im A Celebrity" when it first started (around 2004?) and within ten minutes was struck down by boredom and gave it two series at best. Quite clearly I underestimated my fellow mans appetite for garbage, or how potent the negative effects of television are. At this point im convinced folk would watch grass grow if it was endorsed by a Z List bimbo. You think I exaggerate? Then explain to me why they are tuning in via the internet and extra channels just to watch these airheads sleep? I couldn't believe it when I was informed of this so I went to see for myself and there it was! Night cameras focusing on slumbering frames and flying gnats. Unbelievable! Im telling you right here, right now that "Grass Grow TV" is coming to a screen near you in the not so distant future.

You read it here first folks. Now if you'll excuse me, im off to count the pages of a telephone directory.

Carpet Walkers

Hi, im Sissy Screengrabber

 

Why do people insist on waiting outside arenas and such, just to watch celebrities walk on some silly red carpet and attend award shows like the recent GQ Awards? It seems so....pathetic to me, and not at all how supposed civilised, sentinet beings should behave. Go to any newspaper website with a GQ Award story (or watch live coverage of a film premier) and there you will see pictures of them, grinning mobs waving mobile phones around and screeching some famous persons name like they were the Messiah. I suspect if ever I met one of these nitwits in a pub, I would get a better conversation with Mr Screengrabber up there. He looks less sinister too.
In this celebrity obssessed age, I really should accept that this has become the 'norm' for such sad behaviour but I don't want to damn it! I refuse to believe (as much as I am able) that a race of beings who included Leonardo Da Vinci and William Shakespeare in their number, could be so excited and even smitten by the mere sight of somebody who happens to be in the public eye. "Yippee! Angelina Jolie just walked past!" Come on now people, this is not a big deal. Or even a small deal. Surely you have a better life (and mind) than this? Please say you do!
And as for the GQ Awards, Nancy Dell'Olio at 51 years of age made the rest of the women (half her age) look quite plain and 'plastic baggy'.   

I Sat Next To God Today

Some of the media were in full celebrity tongue shaft again yesterday becaue some singer, (her name has honestly slipped my tapping fingers) took the underground tube to her concert in London. One radio station even deemed it important enough to have an hours phone in about it. Yep, you read that right. Here we are on the ten year anniversary of having stormed into Afghanistan and all some channels want to talk about is some airheaded singer who decided to use public transport to her gig. Whoop di doo da! Hold the front page! Whip my bum with Ok! magazine!


This blog article is dedicated to her

To make it more interesting (im not sure 'interesting' is the correct word here), the station just happened to find a fan who was also on her way to the show, and *takes deep breath* sat right next to her idol! Quick! Pass the smelling salts before I implode all down my trousers!
Is this really newsworthy? Really really with a lemon on top? I know the world (or most of it) is currently obssessed with fame and worship celebrity like it was the Second Coming but even so, to dedicate a whole hour yakking about the fact that some singer (still can't recall the name) took the train to her gig is quite....well it just makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against a wall in frustration.
Thirty years ago this 'story' would have struggled to get more than a paragraphs attention in the papers, let alone get itself prodded for an hour on the radio. Our fault of course, we hang on every word celebrities say as if they have been passed on to them by God and scripted by Moses. (Obvioulsy I don't include myself when I say 'we', because I look at those 'afflicted' with fame in much the same way I look at some hapless sod struck down by ebola or dengue fever).
Oh well, I suppose if its what makes the masses happy, I shall just have to accept it and build the walls of my castle that much thicker to be able to ignore it better. I shall pray to the Holy Pike of Cenarth Falls for all of your televsion addled, earthly souls. The Pike doth bless you all!