One For The Rehab

Gosh why all this fuss over the lovely Amy Winehouse having a shot of vodka before she checks into rehab? Some of the tabloids have even got hold of CCTV footage of Amy in the shop, swigging from a miniture bottle. Are people so desperate for celebrity goosip that this is what they want to see? They must lead desperately sad lives. Or is it the tabloids themselves who are desperate?
Listen, I have been to rehab myself, way back in April 1996, a very exclusive, private one in Lancashire, and let me tell you now that having a few snifters before being admitted is nothing out of the ordinary. Almost everyone in there would have done it.


Me In A Private Rehab Clinic in 1996

Hell, I had to travel over four hours to get to my clinic and in the car (I wasn't driving obviously) I took around 145mg of valium and got through a ton of alcoholic lemonade (Hooch) mixed with vodka. I could hardly stand when I checked in and for days later was so toxic that I threw all my food down the toilet, clogging up the plumbing.
We are drinkers for f**ks sake! Alcohol is our cocoon, our comfort blanket. Does anyone really expect us to enter a detox ward completely sober? To venture into a strange and unknown place without the numbing waves of intoxication? Never. To we who drink more than most, the last drinks before rehab serves two purposes; to calm the nerves and to have 'one for the road', a last kiss with the liquid lover. Okay it seldom is a last kiss for a lot of us, as we like to visit her again on the outside but its a symbolic thing before entering those sanitized, sober doors.
Leave the lovely Ms. Winehouse alone. My God, some folk are the human equivalent of vultures.

Muppet Cole

I really don't care about The X Factor (in my house its known as the Crap Factor) and have absolutely zero time for the perma airbrushed Cheryl Cole but the story of her being dumped from the US version of the show is plastered everywhere, so i'll throw in my shilling's worth in a shallow attempt to boost blog ratings.
What has this woman done that will be remembered? All she's ever done was appear in a girl band (that are ten a penny these days), and was only ever a major deal in Britain, they could never have hoped to have broke into the US. And lets face it, the UK is hardly a big place. Chaz n' Dave made it big here FFS! Cole is not what you could call a major talent like other British artists who have been successful in America like Elton John, Rod Stewart and George Michael. She is not on this level and never will be. Feel free to come back andd leave a comment under this post if she does, i'll be waiting.


Average: Cole

The tabloids are full of faux shock that Cheryl, 'Britain's sweetheart' (give me a f**king break!) has been unceremoniously chucked off the US Crap Factor because the Americans couldn't understand her accent. Can anyone outside of Newcastle understand it? I certainly can't and coming from West Wales where we have a lot of different accents, this is saying something. And no offence to Geordies, but they do have a ghastly accent.
Face it, Cheryl Cole does not possess the star quality to make it big in America and was rightly given the boot, because if she did have that quality she would still be Stateside, foul accent or not.
And for the red tops to say that this has shredded her hopes of launching a successful singing career over there is quite frankly ludicrous. Better face it people, Cole isn't the Madonna or even Kylie that you had thought and is now back where she belongs, on a tiny unspectacular stage. Goodbye Cheryl.

Obam and Cam Flippin' Da Burgers

As everyone knows, the President of the United States is in town and how nice of Downing Street to hold a barbecue for Mr Obama (or 'Barack' as our PM, Dai calls him in a plastic 'buddy buddy' type way). I liked the fact the barbie was for servicemen from both Britain and America and not just some VIP crap. Okay the cynic in me is saying it was just a PR stunt but I like to think it wasn't. I want to believe our leaders do actually care for our military men and women.


We Love You Obama!

Away from the burgers and ribs, Barack seems to be much more popular this side of the pond. Some people meeting him have behaved the same as they would if meeting a rockstar. One lady said after meeting him drooled, "he was beautiful!" Not really the type of thing one expects to hear after meeting the world's most powerful chap. Still, its in keeping with all of this first name terms buisness, keeps it all informal and jolly.
To be honest, and im more honest than a bare elbow, im not really interested in the politics and pomp. Im more fascinated (and im betting im not the only one) by the fact that the President has one thousand people in his entourage, and I enjoy reading about his limousine, 'The Beast', which has bullet proof windows and the wheels can still run on their rims. James Bond eat your heart out! Come on guys, you all want to drive this baby! Mind you it did get stuck on a kerb in Ireland, so its not entirely flawless.
As I type this now, Obama is speaking at the mighty Westminster, becoming only the third US President to do so (Reagan and Clinton were before him). And no matter what you might think of him, this is an important moment. Without turning this blog into a history lesson, Westminster has been the scene of some pretty big events, including a King being sentenced to death. Put it like this, if the walls of Westminster could write a book, it would be a pretty, darn interesting read without a doubt.
The President must be a contented man right now, whatever his critics say. In the last few days, the guys had Guiness in Ireland (sheer Heaven, take my word for it), burgers at Downing Street, dinner with the Queen and had a VIP tour of London's most historic spots. Not too shabby whatever your politics and an offer only a dullard would turn down.
Watching all of these people like Winston Churchill's grandson Nicholas Soames, shake Obama's hand after his speech (I typed this in two sittings) has got me wondering why they haven't made goldenballs David Beckham attend the shenanigans? Afterall the lad seems to be forced to turn up at every other big 'do' we have in Britain. Perhaps he'll turn up for tea and scones later on.
And please, in the name of all that is British will someone take the Obamas for some fish & chips before they fly back to the States! A trip over here isn't complete without fresh cod soaked in vinegar and wrapped in a newspaper. Food of the Gods.

Bonnie And Clyde Exit Earth

Say Cheese!

Outlaws and general ne'r do wells Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow met their maker today (May 23rd) in 1934 after they were ambushed and plugged to death by Louisiana lawmen. The gang they formed is believed to have murdered at least 9 policemen and committed several civilian murders, so don't weep for them and be conned by any notion of 'romance' in their bloody tale. We know Hollywood is fond of making thugs and murderers 'glamorous' but anyone with an ounce of brain and shred of respect know different.
The photo above shows them in their real 'glory'.

Apocalypse Disco

So some religious kooks somewhere in Noo Yawk believes the 'End Of The World' is coming today. They have been wandering around the streets, preaching to anyone who would listen (or rather anyone who couldn't get away quick enough from their loony ramblings). And this is another reason religion is dangerous in the wrong heads. It seems to attract people who have a very papery anchor to reality, folk who are liable to flip out at the singing of a hymn.
Look I have no doubt this planet will crash and burn, everything does however it will not happen today. Nothing will happen today apart from myself and a million others getting drunk and horny. Trust me on this, I myself dine at the Mad Table™ but even I won't get fooled by silly headline grabbing antics like this. Sure it a lttle excitement but we'll all be here next week.
There are going to be plenty of people looking like fools come sunday, they won't be embarrassed of course and neither will they slink away and admit that the Second Coming ain't coming any day soon. Oh no, these nutjobs have the skin (and brains) of the thickest leather and they will simply adjust the date again.


Like The Terminator, He'll Be Back. Maybe.

Ah the weakness of Man! Its pretty comical if you think about it. Most of us are petrified at the thought of getting old and dying, that in a strange way things like this excite us. In certain pockets of humanity there will be people whipping up an almost carnival like atmosphere because of the idea of the world ending, (watch that scene in Independance Day to get an idea, where the hippies are in near hysteria to greet the aliens).
The fear of death is overcome with the thought of meeting the End in one giant bang. Frightening to die alone, not so much if the rest of mankind is going with you. This is how I see it anyway, we're all cowards when it comes down to it and having a belief, any belief helps us cope with the unknown. And everyone facing that together, holding hands and singing hymns and metal balleds, well even better. Man is a herder anyway. Next time you are at a car park, look around and you'll see cars parked in bunches, seldom on their own.
Anyway if Jesus or aliens or werewolf lesbians from the planet Lusst do decide to pop by today/tonight, they are more than welcome to drop by my house and partake of strong alcoholic refreshments before taking us of to Paradise. And if this planet turns to dust, then its been ever so awesome knowing you dear readers and if you dont recognise me in the Afterlife, i'll be the tattooed love God with the biggest erm...halo. Cheery pip a cariad !

Reason From the Bowels

Kevin 'scumbag' Watts was executed on 16th October, 2008 for the brutal murders of three people. A week before his termination he said this to an interviewer;

"My intent was to put food on the table, get some money, go home and live happily ever after. The situation gets out of control, and one thing leads to another."

One thing leads to another does it vermin Watts? Let us see. From the case files; 'Hye Kyong Kim, to retrieve her dying husband's wallet and car keys from his pants pocket and ordered her to empty the cash register. He then ordered her into her vehicle and fled with her.
Watts sexually assaulted Mrs. Kim in her car, then took her to his mother-in-law's apartment, where he again raped and s*domized her and allowed his roommate, Terrance Bolden, to rape her. Watts also forced Mrs. Kim to ingest narcotics and attempted to insert his pistol into her v*gina.'

So scumbag, if the initial idea was "to put food on the table" what led to these vile actions against Hye Kyong Kim? If it was merely about money then why did you not leave once you had got it? Why did you have to kidnap a woman and subject her to horrifying assaults?
Oh no, you cant answer because you are rightfully dead. Well allow me to answer for you. You did not stop at robbery because you are (or were) evil. And evil rats use any excuses they can grasp. Rest in pieces you scum bucket.

Its Crime, You Win

I have been around this subject so many times that ive probably covered everything. However anger and frustration spurs me on so here goes.
On May 2nd, just a few weeks ago, the US Navy SEALS ended the life of Osama Bin Laden, the worlds most wanted terrorist and probably the most hated man since mad Adolf. We all know what he did and plotted and you would think the world would be grateful to this elite band of men and to be fair most are. But (ah the gloomy sounding "But") it seems after a good wander around this cyber highway that not all are pleased with Bin Ladens death, indeed certain liberal, hippy type folks believe he was murdered. (I think the stories of him being unarmed and in his underpants have tipped them over the edge of reason.)
So by their wanky logic those SEALS should be clapped in irons and marched off to jail? What the f**k is wrong with people? Have they forgotten about the nearly 3,000 victims and countless of their families and loved ones?


Im Looking At You, Liberal Pukes

Actually I should not be so suprised because it always happens this way. Innocents are robbed, raped and murdered by the scum of society and as soon as the last hymn is sung at the victims funerals, all sympathy it seems gets directed at the perpetrator of the crime. Its true insanity. The only people left grieving are victims family and friends, most others begin obssessing over what now happens to the robber/rapist/killer.
One only needs to visit one of those vile death row penpal sites that are shamefully plastered all over the web to see this. Not an ounce of thought is given to victims, its all about Mr. X suffering (their word not mine) in a tiny cell. Why are the victims so swiftly forgotten about? Oh these people will say they remember the victims but they don't, not really. And its sick.
Everything to the criminal is offered, from health care to leisure time. They even bend over backwards to ensure all the different religions are catered for (literally) by having menus that include 'kosher' meat and so on. How about we feed them bread and water? Surely all faiths accept this simple dish? Good for vegetarians too!
I won't go and on because ive typed out these thoughts so many times, im suprised my computer hasn't learnt to type this article itself. REMEBER THE VICTIM! SCREW THE CONVICT!

Hinges Will Be Oiled Once More

Every day we get a new horror story. Today we learn that a five year old girl who was shot by teenage psychos will never walk again. Also the photo of a kitten with a missing eye, again shot by teenage scumbags, has been splashed over the news. When will people realise that soft sentences and ASBO's do not work? The bleeding heart liberals insist being gentle with these yobs and trying to rehabilitate them is the right and decent way to go. Im here to tell them they are wrong. (Its the cannabis they've been puffing on, frying their creamy minds).

Just chop and go

And I am here to tell the yoghurt knitters that as the crime rates go up, then all it means is the sooner we will return to the rope and birch. We will, make no doubt about this. As crimes go up, so will the thirst for tougher penalties. Especially when the public see that these woolly punishments are doing no good. And they're not. All they are doing is giving violent people the go ahead to create more chaos.
These pitiful excuses continue to harass and assault prison workers and show no remorse for any of their terrible crimes. And the goody goody hippies swallow it, giving hoodlums licence to continue their rabid ways.
It bothers me not. The more these cretins misbehave, the quicker the scaffold will be return to dispense justice proper. And blow 'rehabilitation'. With some people its not possible.

Hot For Johnny Depp

So Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is writing a song with Hollywood messiah Johnny Depp. According to various interwebz sites Tyler said, "He asked me, he said, 'I want you to come over' — he's got a studio here in L.A. — 'and see if I'm playing 'Seasons of Wither' right.' I said, 'Y'know what, Johnny? No matter how you play it, it's gonna be right. It's a beautiful thing.'"
Oh puleeze! Pass me the sick bag already! There is nothing worse than hearing or seeing two genuinely gifted guys kiss each others behinds.


You Gonna Pose With It Or Play It?

And before ya' all get the wrong idea, I like these guys! Big fan of both Aerosmith and the Deppster, but reading the gushing of Mr Tyler made me cringe in my studded boots. Did he have to sound so pukey? Heres a guy who has ingested vast quantities of booze and drugs, and rocked a trillion faces, sounding like a teenage girl talking about her first crush.
Yes Johnny Depp is a fine actor (ignoring the sh!tty sequels to Pirates Of The Caribbean) and will no doubt be remembered as such but the fawning over him sometimes goes way over the top. Its not his fault of course, he just carries on being his cool self but if you ever stumble across this corner of the interwebz Johnny, would you be so kind as to tell your fans to tone it down a touch? Diolch (thank you), your number one fan but with less tongue up your butt.