Harmony Devoured

So there it goes, yuletide's furry backside disappearing over the horizon taking the sickly baubels and sugar highs with it. Skin the reindeer, papa wants roast! In plain speak? Im happy Christmas has buggered off, its like coming up for air after a week lurking in the depths of Swiss Valley reservoir. Don't get me wrong, its great if you have children, creating special memories you had as a child (some children are not that lucky of course) but for me? Im happy its gone. And it used to arrive with such a potent buzz that no drug could ever hope to match. When out delivering cards with my late mother, I swore I could hear bells ringing from the star freckled night sky, there was a mystic energy that only children posses but alas it has left this rust bucket I call a soul, magic at zero and doubt it will ever return.
Arrives with age some would say but I'd wager that even the hardest Ebenezer Scroodge had at least heard a Christmas carol or watched a television "classic" during the festivities.
Want to know something? I didn't. Dim byd. Nothing. Not even a sniff of a mince pie. To my mind (and this is important because it was only in my company, with loved ones it was different) Christmas day might well have been a rainy weekend down the /Mumbles. Ah dear Mumbles! Escaping the silly season might seem impossible to most but I swear its doable. I just did it and to be fair, I wish a pill existed to get the spirit and excitement back but take enough happy tablets and you'll know that even chemical rainbows have limits.
So again it goes with a nary a farewell and no alchemy can ever dress bones. Its been a blast throughout those milky years, almost was the perfect drug, a never ending agent of harmony but one day all magic dies and for me (just me I hope), I can be happy with that. And I am perfectly happy.


*Please forgive the often heavy spirit this post was written in. I assure you gentle reader that everything is fine in the funhouse. Dark lines always make for better scenes and in family company the scene was different.

Local Christmas Events

Courtesy of Ava McGill (Pembrey & Burry Port Community forum (Facebook)


Without wanting to sound all "Bah Humbug" I was beginning to think that the Christmas spirit had been lost (reading too many Daily Mail stories about the PC brigade banning Christmas trees or hooligans thieving from charity buckets will do that to you). But Facebook of all things has restored my faith in the silly season. There are some wonderful events happening all over Carmarthenshire and Pembrokeshire over the next few weeks, and seeing photos of the Burry Port Christmas market yesterday on the old chopsbook (that could be a Welsh version of Facebook) was great.

Fancy experiencing some local festive fun? Visiting west Wales and want to see how locals roll? (I believe that's what hip Americans say). Allow Mr Jakes to point you in the right direction (and the following events are just a handful of whats going down, there is much much more (check local event listings such as our friends Best of Carmarthenshire website).


11 December: Christmas fayre at Picton Centre (Picton centre, Haverfordwest)

14 December: Narberth winter carnival

14 December: Christmas Fayre Llandovery

16 December: Christmas Fair - Mynydd y Garreg (lifelong home of rugby legend Ray Gravelle)

18 December: Christmas Concert in Nantgaredig

18 December: Christmas Concert in Glangwili (to raise funds for the neonatal unit at hospital)

A Britain for Britons

Having listened to the politicians conferences (and again shaken my head at their obvious lies) and heard all of the "a better Britain" spiel, I just want to ask: a better Britain for whom exactly? We, Britons need a Britain for Britons. Never mind about Cameron giving tax breaks to his wealthy cronies and opening the gates to all and sundry. We need a Britain for US, the hardworking folk who make this country GREAT. A country where we are not spied on 24/7 with CCTV, a place we can fly our flags with pride, somewhere we are not interfered at every turn by an aggressive bureaucracy and told what we can and cannot do (within the law). What we need is a Britain of old, a Britain of the ages.
Too long we have put the needs of others before our own, too long been told to respect others while having to hide our own beliefs and pride for fear of offending those others. Walking on eggshells in the country of our birth! This my friends is an abominable truth, and change must come before our beloved Great Britain disappears in a vomit fog of alien hues and an entire culture lies dead, defeated. Oh such unbearable crime that would be! Eternal cries within the bones of a fallen kingdom. Such a fate must be averted! We must have a Britain for Britons!
Now the doubters and yoghurt knitters will say this is bigoted and even racist, but I ask; how is it racist to want a country putting its peoples first? This is all I want. I am not suggesting the UK pull up the draw bridge and keeping foreigners out. Really, I am not. I am more than aware of the contributions from others who come here to work and make a better life for themselves. The Filipino nurses, Ghurkha soldiers who fought bravely, the doctors from India, the many others who arrive because they believe in Great Britain. I have no issue with these people in the slightest, rejoice! Let us celebrate this glorious country together.
It is the spongers and thieves who come to take, take, take that boil my blood. People who, even though when discovered and proved to be 'on the game', are hardly ever punished sufficiently, and worse never sent back to whence they came! Mind boggling. Frustrating. Of course we also have the enemy within to deal with, those groups of do-gooders who are never happier when interfering with everything, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they make most peoples lives a bloody misery. We all know who they are, the types who order schools to pull down Christmas trees in case it offended those of different faiths, or fretting that nursery rhymes contain politically incorrect words. (These types can do more harm than any lawbreaker). This madness must end, or we shall pay a dear price. A much much too dear a price.

Everybody Having Fun?

The Silly Season is here, roll out the carols! Fair enough, why not? I enjoy a good Christmas carol as much as the next person but some of the lyrics are enough to send Mormons to the scotch. For instance: "Now here it is Merry Christmas, everynodys having fun." No, just no. There is no 'feelgood' vibe there, not really. If you were to take away the extremely catchy music all you'd be left with is a wet fart of assembled words, empty of anything sincere and promising...well not much.
Its rather like saying, "I like putting baked beans in jacket potatoes, you do too!" Then adding a sappy "groovy" at the end.
Everybodys having fun? Surely not EVERYBODY? Even the homeless? The ones in warzones? Lonely people at their wits end? Pensioners struggling to heat their homes? Those unfortunates who have been made redundant weeks before Christmas? Lost souls crushed by addiction who see dying as a good option? Genuine disabled folks who have had their benefits cut? (And like the addicts see death as a better way.) Abused children who are beaten and raped by real life monsters?
The longer list I trot out, the heavier I feel my fingers hitting the keyboard, angry and saddened by the fact that no, not everyone is having fun at all. Not by a long shot. I realise Christmas carols must be sickly cheerful and sugar coated with dreamy sentiments, and its nice to be able to escape for a bit but lets not ever forget that its ESCAPING we are doing. The jolly-carol-festive-world is Shangria La. Enjoy but dont forget (I know some will have by the end of reading this) that Christmas doesn't give us all a means to hide for a while and it isn't always icing sugar on mince pies (or whatever that sugary stuff is.)
Of course this post is not meant to be taken as some astounding revelation, and neither is it to put a dampner on peoples festivities. Its just here as a simple reminder, this is all. Enjoy and remember your fellow man!

Refuge Of The Question Marks

Yes sir, those are REAL crickets

So it has arrived on our screens once again like a persistant boil but with added gloop. Yep the dreadful "Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" is back courtesy of ITV. Gee thanks guys! I feel all warm inside like Christmas. (Or something like that.) Now I know people still watch it because Twitter and Facebook tell me so, but like many other reality television progs I am still at an utter loss as to WHY they tune in? Is it because we (or rather you) like to watch some bottom of the barrel 'celebrity' eat raccoon balls in order to try and salvage a thread of a flagging (see: dead) career? Or is it to ogle juicy but vacant young women in bikinis? Or do you simply like like jungles?
It may be all three of those of course but Dai Jakes has started to think its because everyone has gotten bored. Numbed from 24 hour entertainment, we (or you) are content to sink into the bubble gum sofa and watch while some has-been (who was never that popualr even in their hey day) swims through sh*t and munches on beetle heads. Come on now admit it, its not very good is it? If you want to see folk doing dumb things just surf on over to Youtube and voila! (Heck even the Official Dai Jakes channel has me eating insects on it from Manor House nr Tenby. See above pic.)
It will always suprise me how successful reality telly has been, I mean its not even remotely exciting. (But like I said people are numbed by it all.) I watched a few 'episodes' of "Im A Celebrity" when it first started (around 2004?) and within ten minutes was struck down by boredom and gave it two series at best. Quite clearly I underestimated my fellow mans appetite for garbage, or how potent the negative effects of television are. At this point im convinced folk would watch grass grow if it was endorsed by a Z List bimbo. You think I exaggerate? Then explain to me why they are tuning in via the internet and extra channels just to watch these airheads sleep? I couldn't believe it when I was informed of this so I went to see for myself and there it was! Night cameras focusing on slumbering frames and flying gnats. Unbelievable! Im telling you right here, right now that "Grass Grow TV" is coming to a screen near you in the not so distant future.

You read it here first folks. Now if you'll excuse me, im off to count the pages of a telephone directory.

Christmas vs Thanksgiving

This is not really a holiday versus holiday rant but more an idea I had earlier this morning. All over Twitter and Facebook folk are getting excited about Christmas, and with only 46 days to go until the jolly man in red digs out his beard, its understandable. Afterall the majority of us love the silly season. But hold your reindeers! What about Thanksgiving? Mr Jakes began celebrating this in 2007 (mainly because I didn't want to let the Americans have all the fun), and you know what? Its been a roaring success, my family have had a wonderful time every year since.
Yes its mainly an American tradition but spending time with family whilst feasting and giving thanks for the wonderful bounty life hands us shouldn't necessarily be exclusive to our friends across the pond. Also think about this for a second: isn't a tad silly for Atheists and 'lapsed Christians' to celebrate Christmas? "Yay! Its a guy I don't believe in (supposed) birthday, lets eat a turkey and get sick on Sherry!" No offence dear readers but I find that to be plain weird.
But there is a way to not miss out on the festivities and look less shall we say 'confused'. You know whats coming right? Yup,swap Yuletide for Thanksgiving! This way you can still enjoy giving gifts and roasting birds (and getting sick on Sherry) without all that Nativity and church nonsense (nonsense to non believers of course.)
I dont know about you but it makes a great deal of sense to me. So see you all on November 22nd then, bring on the turkey! Toodle Pip for now!



Not a fake tree in sight

Victorian Postage (Christmas Black)

I have had a very old fashioned Christmas, almost Victorian by some standards. Indeed were it not for spinning around the globe via the teh interwebz and tapping out pretty words on my new laptop, it could have been 1850 in my household. Christmas television? I didn't watch it (even missed my usual Corrie). Films? I watched the original King Kong on Christmas day and that was it as far as movies went. I didn't pull a cracker, or stuff my face with mince pies and neither was I eating turkey sandwiches for four days straight after the event. (We have goose as I cannot abide turkey, a dreadfully bland meat if ever there was one).
To be honest I have not felt festive at all, and were it not for family the decorations would have remained in the boxes. I realise I sound like a terrible damp feather but this is how its been this year. Its not been totally 'oubliette fever' of course but the magic spark that used to set me off and get my enthusiasm going has dimmed a wee bit. Might be that I could attribute some of that to losing the person who put me on this earth and who always made Christmas so special, and there is that but I also feel like I have outgrown it too.

Merry Christmas

Why am I blogging on Christmas day?


Goose giblets

Tabloid Scroodge

The Sun newspaper has an article in todays issue telling us that 'Christmas dinner with all the trimmings can cost just £2.89 a head — if you trawl six different supermarkets'. Crumbs, I feel as if I should be moving in with Tiny Tim's family! Now forgive me if I sound a little bratty here, im aware the world is in financial turmoil, but isn't this just being miserly? I mean the Silly Season comes but once a year, so shouldn't it be a time when we can forget the misery and woes for a while and splash out on the finer things in life? Do we really need to eat cheap foods all the time? Its Christmas for Heavens sake! Cut loose for a while, we need it!
I haven't got anything against cheap food and supermarket own brands, hell's bells a lot of them are superior to the branded rubbish (who use too much salt), but just this once can't we open our wallets/purses a little wider than usual?


Christmas cheer: one drumstick each please

One could swear we were living in Third World Britain the way certain parts of the media paint it. Like I said, I know times are hard but surely not so hard we can't push the boat out once a year? Are things really that bad where you can't afford a lavish feast on December 25th? I think some folk kid themselves they are in this situation. (*Some* not all).
Im not a fan of these big family meals where there is 15 to a table and 4 dogs and a cat underneath but I do enjoy seeing the table and fridge groan from the weight of good food come Christmas, and before that Thanksgiving. There is no scrimping and only the best goes into my squealing trolley. The way I look at it is, there is enough money going out on different things throughout the rest of the year so these holidays are a time for me and my loved ones, a time where hard earned money comes to us for a change.
I urge everyone to do the same. We'll keep sane this way and won't fall completely into the depths of despair. Now pass me a cracker, one of those expensive ones which contain iPods and diamond nose studs.

Preludes and Quaaludes

It is Thursday, December 23rd at precisely 4:14pm and this is the bit I enjoy, the eve of the EVE. The warming up. Its like booze, the GETTING drunk is always better than the main event. Or if it were a guillotine session, the drum roll better than the blade dropping.
I always feel a slight sagging on my shoulders on Christmas morning, like the buzz has worn off and the come down begun. And of course it has, Christmas day can be quite a dull affair, puncuated only by a finger scrabbling in the peanut dish, stale cheese and licking the sherry dregs from fragile stemmed glasses. (Or perhaps that last one is just me.)

A typical Christmas eve

Give me the days leading up to Christmas anytime! As I sit here now, pecking out these words, there are carols on the stereo (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen at this current minute,) bottles of whisky, gin, bourbon and rum lined up on a table and the goose is about to be pulled from its frosty nest in the freezer. (The pork and turkey can stay a while longer in the fridge.) I am in a happy place indeed. Anticipation is high.
And thats just it; the anticipation of something (especially as magical as Christmas) can always over power the actual event itself no matter what it is. Many intravenous drug users (including myself in the past) admit that the best part of taking the drug was plunging the needle into the skin. Or watching the drug bubble and cook on the spoon. Ditto sex. The orgasm is second to the sight of a stockinged leg or a tongue rolling on a gin soaked top lip.
Now is the time for indulgence, the time to lay back and soak joy into every greedy pore. Here is where I thrive, in the ghetto of all eves. May it preserve me in oils and fatten my wings to glide me over the ruins which must always follow.

Nadolig Llawen !!

Santa Claus Is Definately Coming to Town

After 39 years on this often dark and miserable planet I hereby freely admit that I still believe in Father Christmas. Who the hell would want to be the type who didn't believe in the jolly fellow? Only the bitter, curmudgeonly sorts with less imagination than a goldfish, thats who. The boring type who sneer at those who believe in an afterlife and try to mock with blunt words. Pish to them I say, they have earned their place in the kingdom of BORE.
For myself, Santa is quite real. I will be listening out for the sound of bells in the night sky come Christmas eve and tracking him via the wonders of the internet to see where he is. I will become the seven year old boy I used to be and revive the thrill and excitement which used to have me near to bursting in those early years.
The magic can never be lost if one lets go of the adult and embraces the child within each of us. Let go of the supposedly sensible thoughts which grown ups love to use to ruin things and simply BELIEVE!


He is coming to a chimney near YOU

This is made easier if you have children or grandchildren around, get in tune with them, feed off their thrilled spirits. The festive spell will feel so so much better if you do, for both you and your children. Getting lost in the world of Santa Claus, tinsel and flying reindeers is infectious and spreads like a merry flu, which rather than spreading illness, spreads joy and happiness to all.
Trust me, its better than playing the 'grown up' or attempting to bury your head in a Christmas pudding until it all blows over. That sort of attitude attracts nothing but bitterness (even envy) and bring one nothing but foul fogs in the mind. I have to admit to being tempted in this way of thinking myself but mercifully the child in me (who has always been bigger than the man) has always won through and made Christmasses as fabulous and magical as they ought to be.
And now I have become a father to a beautiful daughter, this Christmas is going to be extra EXTRA special. Elwen might be too young to appreciate it this year but she has made my excitement rocket to grand new heights! I am going to indulge as I have never indulged before ~ sing carols, gaze at the lighted tree, pull crackers, leave stockings out and keep an eye on the fireplace. I urge everyone to do the same. Nadolig Llawen ~ Merry Christmas dear readers!

Revealing My Stocking

Righto, the festive season is almost upon us (it IS upon us according to the shop windows) and I thought it would be time to reveal what I would like to get at the foot of the bed. Or to be more accurate, WHO I would like to unwrap at the foot of the bed. (Or anywhere.) I got this idea from my friend Lesley when she posted a Bon Jovi song on Facebook last night.
So without further ado, let me unveil my dames of honour!

1. Dame Helen Mirren


Is it hot in here?

She might be 65 but this Dame (and a real one to boot!) has been my number one dream lady ever since I saw her in the steamy but brilliant, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover in 1989. Like a fine wine, she gets more delicious with age and is probably looking her finest now in her 65th year. I can honestly say I have never seen a bad photograph of Dame Helen Mirren, she is absolutely perfect. And not only does she have the looks, she can act. I mean really, REALLY act. I love her.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 10/10 Bells-A-Jingling

2. Emily Deschanel


Id go vegan for her

Oh to have the beautiful Emily appear in my Christmas stocking! (Or in her Christmas stocking im easy.) She plays a doctor in popular crime drama Bones, and while she is usually more interested in dead 'patients' she could give me a good going over anytime of the year, not just the Silly Season. Ms Deschanel is a strict vegan and while I will not make any vulgar gags about meat eating, I will say she could turn me vegan whenever she wanted.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

3. Alison King


A real street angel

This seriously hot lady will not be familiar to readers outside of the UK but she plays a boss of an underwear factory in soap opera Coronation Street. Let me just say that id sooner see Alison covered in tinsel than a pine tree. And that smoky, seductive voice of hers sends the rhinos down my tingling spine.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9½ Bells-A-Jingling

4. Seka


Platinum bombshell

Seka (or Dorothea Patton to her family) is proof that Virginia has given the world much more than eight US Presidents. I first saw 56 year old Seka in the porno flick Passion Seka in the 80s and was instantly smitten. And much like Helen Mirren above, she has managed to keep hold of her looks. The goose would definately be ignored should Seka/Dorothea ever decide (in my fantasies) to turn up at the foot of my bed.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jingling

5. Serena Williams

Serving all my aces

At a youthful 29 years, Serena is the secomd youngest hottie on my list. Currently ranked at no.4 in ladies tennis, she is one of the few athletes who are able to look strong and intimidating on court while looking both girly and sultry in her leisure time. And yowzer! Those legs! I could lick them day and night. (Steady on - nervous Ed) Another lady who could make my Christmas sherry wait.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 9 Bells-A-Jinging

6. Candace Kusculain


Christmas candy

The Walls Of Jericho singer is a true metal gal; attitude, tattoos, flaming red hair, with a voice of growling, hardcore brilliance! You struggle at times to believe that such a powerful voice could lie beneath such a (very) pretty face. An American Dream for sure, and the sizzling type that I wouldn't mind waking up to have. Gorgeous.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

7.Lena Headey


The ideal Queen

I first clapped my drooling eyes on Ms Headey when I saw her play Queen Gorgo in the movie, 300. Amazingly fit looking body, with stony yet beautiful features. Her face says 'dont-f**k-with-me' but is somehow at the same time alluring and oh so fanciable! Im struggling to prevent myself thinking of her in a photo shoot with only Christmas puddings covering her modesty. (Pervert - concerned Ed)

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

8. Sanaa Latham


The only person (apart from Elton) who could make a piano look good

Style, elegance and very lushable (its a Welsh thing) Sannaa Latham has it all. She was the sole reason I watched Alien vs Predator about twenty times and I kept thinking 'who IS that girl?' Thanks to the wonders of teh interwebz I soon found out. Please Santa, deliver me a Sanaa!

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 7½ Bells-A-Jingling
(And im docking half a point purely because I couldn't find much photos)


9. Joanna Lumley

Smoking!

Another lady who could claim her free bus pass, Joanna might be 64 but she still sizzles and is my perfect idea of a sex kitten. Bags of style, blessed with stunning looks and a thoroughly great person in regards to human and animal rights. Ms Lumley supported the Gurkha Justice Campaign, and is considered a "national treasure" of Nepal because of her work. Along with Dame Helen Mirren, she's also a British national treasure too and would definately get my baubels glistening.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling

10. Golshifteh Farahani


That legendary Persian beauty

The youngest lady on my list (so far) and what an absolute stunner she is. Golshifteh is a grand example or Persian beauty, boy does get my pulse (among other things) racing. She played a nurse in the 2008 movie, Body Of Lies, and its safe to say that were she at my sickbed I would soon forget about my pains. In fact just thinking about the delectable Ms Farahani in my stocking on Christmas morning has made me forget about my headache.

Festive Phwoaarrrr Factor ~ 8 Bells-A-Jingling