Joan Rivers

As is customary these dys, the death of American comedienne Joan Rivers at the age of 81 was announced on Twitter like the mad, new town cryer that social meia has become. Chances are, if there's a story to be told, good and bad, then you'll rread it on Tweetville before BBC or CNN. Its the pulse of a new generation. Joan used it herself, she was one of the only few celebrities I follow on that site (gossip and bickering between two famous clowns isn't my idea of fun).
I will actually miss her Tweets partly because, much like myself, she spoke her mind, offend or please and I greatly admire that. Don't stab folk in the back, give them both barrels in the chest but im in danger of losing my thread of thought here so back to Joan. If you visit her Twitter page now, it lies eerily quiet, like that of late director Michael Winner (another famous Twitter user).
Words at end, reminding us about our oh so fragile mortality. Enjoy every passing minute, life is for the living.
I sent Ms Rivers a mesage via Twitter once. It was on her last birthday, and being a fan of older ladies, I remarked to her of how great she still looked despite being in her eigheieth year. Of course being a global star, having to deal with hundreds of people every day, I wasn't sad I didn't get a reply. Indeed looking back, if she did read it (and these people have egos the size of war ships), she probably thought I was 'trolling' and having a dig at her age.
Well Joanie, if you are able to read blogs from wherever it is you have departed to, know this: I wasn't kidding around, I genuinely thought you beautiful and a rare instance of plastic surgery actually working for a change. It turns most into melted gargoyles more fitting to sit on a cathedral tower than appear on a red carpet but Joan Rivers was different. God knows this planet needs more people unafraid to speak their mind.

Rest in peace Joan, I shall miss ya gorgeous x

A Knight Of Our Times

Suits you Sir!

Today we learn that David Beckham could be Knighted. Arise SirDai Beckham! (Briefly dreams of LordDai Jakes). One might say its less LordHaw Haw but more Sir Ha Ha? Okay, rubbish jokes aside, why the surprise? Did we not all see it coming? The venerable *coughs* Mr Jakes certainly did. This is my friends is very much a Knighthood of our times. Its perfect for our new age culture of celebrity, a natural progression. Most people these days worship television and the fame it bestows on its vacuous 'victims', and Beckham, even though I happen to like the man, is king of this. They might as well make it official. I can certainly think of worse people to give a gong. Dame Katie Price anyone?
David has done a ton of good work for charity, and love him or loathe him, he is a good role model for our youngsters. There have been some real disaster stories coming from the world of sport, football especially, but the boy Dave done good. I don't understand folk saying he shouldn't be Knighted because he spends most of his time in America either. Are we not all free to live wherever we like? I didn't realise that if I was made SirDai Jakes (dreaming again) I would have to be permanently based in Britain. Does Sir Paul McCartney live in the UK? (And not being a Beatle fan, I actually had to Google to see if he was a Sir or not). It would be a petty reason not to award someone a gong in my humble opinion. But then David Beckham has had to put up with this kind of garbage for a while now, envy mostly from people who are quite content sitting in an anonymous den typing spiteful bilge online.
Listen, I will happily admit there are more deserving 'unknowns' who will never be recognised for their good deeds toward good causes and their fellow man, and if it were up to me they would all be Knighted but such is life. Its not perfect, and like I have said, is Sir Beckham so bad? At least he's not falling out of a nightclub at 4am, drugged out of his eyeballs, or chasing women old enough to be his grandmother (not that that is necessarily a bad thing *laughs*).
Want to know something else? As a guy who has tattoos himself, I think its kinda cool to be getting a Knight with arms covered in ink. Feels like the outlaws have invaded the Palace! Or at least become accepted as not only prisoners and sailors get tattooed. Better not show them to Her Maj though eh.
I bet Victoria B is over the moon at the prospect of hubby becoming a Knight of the Realm (although it is not a done deal yet). I can see it now:, Lady Beckham handbags and gladrags with emphasis on the 'Lady' part. She'll make the title hip or sick, or whatever words the trendy kids are using these days. Oh and look on the bright side, at least it removes, or should, the last vestiges of any possibility that the Spice Girls will ever get back together. Cin Cin!

Okra Winfrey Throws a Tanty

Mr Jakes will be honest here; before Oprah Winfrey was told by a Swiss store that a handbag was "too expensive for her" (it cost £24,000) he had barely heard of the woman. Sure the name sounded familiar but as a gentleman who shuns television almost totally, I had imagined she was a music producer or something in that line. Since this (non) story broke, research has revealed that Winfrey is rather famous in her country, and not only famous but a billionaire to boot. There's nice, we are all thrilled for you dear. Honest.
However I am shocked some of the more serious papers over here are carrying this (non) story, and worse running with the "racism" tag. Sorry but this has nothing to do with race. All it is, is a jumped up American 'celebrity' who because the Swiss are sensible and don't show her silly programme (ive Googled it) in their country, her nose has been put out of joint because they don't know who she is. This my dear readers is about a fragile ego and vanity, not racism. Well live with it woman, we Brits hardly know you either.
This is one of the things about Americans that annoys me (and I know plenty of sweet ones.) They like to think they are the center of the universe in everything, and woe betide anyone who fails to recognise this (or any of their half baked 'celebrities'.) And no doubt they will be supporting Oprah over her traumatic European experience, while the rest of the world looks on, scratching their heads at the rampant display of egomania.
Not to fear! Dai Jakes to the rescue! *Puts Jakes cape on* Here look (below), ive made a handbag just for Oprah...


Suits you madam

Ordinary Superstar

Famous people, you have to love them. It would seem that behind the flashing cameras, toothy smiles and crates of loot, all they want is to be normal. Like you and I. Take Johnny Depp for example. Ive just spotted a quote of his where he spouteth, "I just want to be normal, get older, have a beer belly and look at a lake". You can have mine if you'd like Mr Depp!
Does anybody actually believe these people when they say things like this? Or is it simply a nonsense attempt to 'keep it real'? And Johnny with a beer gut? That would be fun to see, if only to prove the beautiful folk are human too. I understand their thirst for normality because as a reclusive creature by nature, fame wouldn't be my cup of tea. In fact even thinking about it is enough to cause sweaty palms. To recieve the amount of attention people like David Beckham get, would be a torment worse than a stint in the bowels of hell. No thank you very much!
But would the famous really want to leave their fortune and glory to be a beer bellied slob? I think you know the answer.