Mario, Get Yer Guns

What are the odds I will go off subject in this post? Still, I will try.  After reading yet another article calling yet another videogame a "burglary sim", I had to put pen to blog.  Why? Because its lazy journalism, sloppy and winds me up. Hell, the same could be thrown at television but for some peculiar reason we don't do that.
I don't watch television but from the clips I've seen on the interwebz and things I hear on forums, nothings changed from when I did used to watch it. Scheming, plots, adultery, revenge, murder, and bloodshed. Its all there, played out by glamorous women and guys with chiselled physiques. Gotta look your best when you're knee deep in sin right?
And so it goes that videogames have followed that same path. Those age restrictions on the box aren't there to make the case look pretty, videogames have matured and its illegal for soft parents to give in ("for ten minutes peace") and buy wee Jimmy a shooter with a bloody big red 18 stamped on the box. Is that ten minutes peace really worth a hefty fine? Dont think it doesn't happen because it does (more often than you'd care to think).
So we have a burglary sim now do we? What about Grand Theft Auto? Armed robbery sim? Dishonored? A murder sim?
These are games fer Crissakes, but the way some journalists describe them make them sound like guides on how to raise hell for real. One of my current favourite videogames is Thief, a game where, yep you guessed it, you skulk around an 18th century London inspired city, pilfering gold watches and clubbing hapless city guards over the noggin. But I don't play the game to train as a cat burglar, anymore than a fan of 24 watches the show in hope of becoming a CIA agent (or whatever the heck Kiefer Sutherland is meant to be).
And what frustrates me more is that I read this on a gaming website not the Daily Mail  (where one expects such petty sniping). Honestly, videogames have become a massive business in these last few years and deal with mature subjects. Can't we be at least as responsible when writing about them?

White Dee: Assassin of DWP

We have a programme here in Britain called "Benefits Street", a cheap and tawdry show (though ive never watched it myself) about the every day lives of lazy good for nothings sucking the country dry by claiming benefits while drinking, thieving and generally dossing around being nothing. There are genuine claimants but these are not them. All they seem to do is hang around a street doing zilch (besides boozing and smoking). Like ive said, I don't watch it but ive read enough in the media to get a general idea of what these people are about: scrounging.
And now would you believe, we seem to have made a celebrity out of one of the morons in it, someone who goes by the name of 'White Dee'. Dear God it sounds like a monicker for an assassin! "Beware the White Dee! Shadowy hitman of the department of work and pensions!"
The odious looking woman is everywhere: radio, papers, television, magazines. Have we gone stark raving mad? Turning a bone idle slob into a celebrity, it boggles the mind it truly does. I realise this world has become obsessed with celebrity but to make one out of some benefit scrounger is lunacy of the highest order. And nothing short of obscene. Is this the way we are heading? Just pluck any old toe rag off the street and make them a star, depressing to think we have sunk this far.
The honest work hunters and genuine disabled ought to be very angry with this oaf, she is exactly the type of person that is giving all the ammunition for welfare cuts because as far as the government is concerned every person on benefits are like her so make no mistake, all of you claimants will suffer.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, should be applauding the awful White Dee. She is a pox on us all.

Have a good day all!

Benefits Street

LBC radio have made me mad this morning (and im usually a fan of the 6am show). They were discussing some ew television programme called 'Benefits Street', but I couldn't take it seriously because the amount of bile spouted forth was ridiculous. And let me first say, I don't claim any benefits so this nonsensical rubbish aimed at benefits claimants by pompous radio presenters shouldn't bother me, but even I can see that not everyone on the dole or on sickness benefit are useless scroungers like the one that sounds like are in Benefits Street. I wouldn't watch such garbage so im only going on what callers to the station said about the show.
I have friends on Twitter (I refuse to call them 'followers') who are genuinely disabled, and shame on anyone who would dare called them feckless scroungers. Dear God, I can feel my blood pressure rising with every word I type. Haven't these journalists heard about the tragic stories of disabled folk who have committed suicide because of these government clamp downs on sickness benefits? They ought to have, they've written the stories. Or do they think so little of them that the tales are forgotten as soon as they are in the paper?
Of course the lead swingers and scroungers exist. One only has to see the scruffy urchins swigging lager at 11am outside Weatherspoons on a week day to have proof of this (and these are not workers having a swift pint). Wherever you turn in life, from top to bottom, you will find chancers and the dishonest. Sadly its human nature. But my friends, its not all, how could it be? I don't know the figures of how many are claiming benefits, but are we seriously suggesting they are all cheating the system? Certain presenters on LBC radio seem to be doing so. Methinks their former tabloid urge to shock has completely taken over the rational part of their brains.
Its not as easy as benefits = cheats and the stories are easy to Google: tragic tales of folk with terminal cancer being forced to work due to ATOS passing them fit, disabled soldiers coming home from Afghanistan being denied Welfare assistance, and even working single mothers having housing benefit stopped because they earn £2 over some limit or other. The list is near endless. Are these feckless scroungers? No! Because not everyone is swinging the lead!
I never once imagined I would be speaking out on this subject, or feel so annoyed by certain attitudes toward it, because as I have pointed out, I do not claim benefits and am not in that 'world' but LBC radio have forced my hand. I cannot stay silent while ignorant bullies in mainstream media trample all over these poor people (the honest claimants not the lager louts). Social media has shown me that there IS an honest side to 'Benefits Street' and we, especially government and journalists, wold be unwise to ignore it. Or worse, label everyone as idle layabouts.

Okra Winfrey Throws a Tanty

Mr Jakes will be honest here; before Oprah Winfrey was told by a Swiss store that a handbag was "too expensive for her" (it cost £24,000) he had barely heard of the woman. Sure the name sounded familiar but as a gentleman who shuns television almost totally, I had imagined she was a music producer or something in that line. Since this (non) story broke, research has revealed that Winfrey is rather famous in her country, and not only famous but a billionaire to boot. There's nice, we are all thrilled for you dear. Honest.
However I am shocked some of the more serious papers over here are carrying this (non) story, and worse running with the "racism" tag. Sorry but this has nothing to do with race. All it is, is a jumped up American 'celebrity' who because the Swiss are sensible and don't show her silly programme (ive Googled it) in their country, her nose has been put out of joint because they don't know who she is. This my dear readers is about a fragile ego and vanity, not racism. Well live with it woman, we Brits hardly know you either.
This is one of the things about Americans that annoys me (and I know plenty of sweet ones.) They like to think they are the center of the universe in everything, and woe betide anyone who fails to recognise this (or any of their half baked 'celebrities'.) And no doubt they will be supporting Oprah over her traumatic European experience, while the rest of the world looks on, scratching their heads at the rampant display of egomania.
Not to fear! Dai Jakes to the rescue! *Puts Jakes cape on* Here look (below), ive made a handbag just for Oprah...


Suits you madam

Larry Hagman Tribute

Iconic

Larry Hagman has passed away aged 81 following complications with throat cancer. And I am gutted, proper bold letter gutted. You see, Dallas in the 1980s holds some cherished memories because it was the only television show my late mother ever watched, and those sunday evenings huddled around the telly at 8pm with Maltezers and pork scratchings are seared into my mind, a perfect picture of happy times. All I have to do to be transported there is hear the shows instantly recognisable, bombastic theme music. Dallas is one of the keys to Dai Jakes' youth.
And J.R. Ewing is without doubt THE greatest television character ever created. For me, nobody else comes close. (In fact id go as far to day that today it feels like ive lost an uncle.) Sure he was the big baddie but he was my hero as a boy, much more than any footballer could be. He was an inspiration to 'get ahead' in the world and win by guile.
J.R. Ewing was a schemer, a liar, a devil in a cowboy hat. And I loved him. I doubt im the only one either. His snake like charisma and drama almost dripped from the screen when he was on and not only that, he always got the best looking women too! Im just sad that I can only write about the character that Larry Hagman created because I never met the man himself. But from what ive read from those who did know Mr Hagman he seemed as wonderful in real life in the same way as he was wonderful being bad in Dallas if you get my drift.
The word 'Legend' is tossed around at everyone these days from talentless reality tv 'stars' to one hit wonder karoke singers. They are not legends, not even close.

Larry Hagman was a Legend. A legend x100.
And today another part of my childhood dies with the great man. Rest In Peace Larry and J.R. And diloch (thank you) for everything XX

Refuge Of The Question Marks

Yes sir, those are REAL crickets

So it has arrived on our screens once again like a persistant boil but with added gloop. Yep the dreadful "Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" is back courtesy of ITV. Gee thanks guys! I feel all warm inside like Christmas. (Or something like that.) Now I know people still watch it because Twitter and Facebook tell me so, but like many other reality television progs I am still at an utter loss as to WHY they tune in? Is it because we (or rather you) like to watch some bottom of the barrel 'celebrity' eat raccoon balls in order to try and salvage a thread of a flagging (see: dead) career? Or is it to ogle juicy but vacant young women in bikinis? Or do you simply like like jungles?
It may be all three of those of course but Dai Jakes has started to think its because everyone has gotten bored. Numbed from 24 hour entertainment, we (or you) are content to sink into the bubble gum sofa and watch while some has-been (who was never that popualr even in their hey day) swims through sh*t and munches on beetle heads. Come on now admit it, its not very good is it? If you want to see folk doing dumb things just surf on over to Youtube and voila! (Heck even the Official Dai Jakes channel has me eating insects on it from Manor House nr Tenby. See above pic.)
It will always suprise me how successful reality telly has been, I mean its not even remotely exciting. (But like I said people are numbed by it all.) I watched a few 'episodes' of "Im A Celebrity" when it first started (around 2004?) and within ten minutes was struck down by boredom and gave it two series at best. Quite clearly I underestimated my fellow mans appetite for garbage, or how potent the negative effects of television are. At this point im convinced folk would watch grass grow if it was endorsed by a Z List bimbo. You think I exaggerate? Then explain to me why they are tuning in via the internet and extra channels just to watch these airheads sleep? I couldn't believe it when I was informed of this so I went to see for myself and there it was! Night cameras focusing on slumbering frames and flying gnats. Unbelievable! Im telling you right here, right now that "Grass Grow TV" is coming to a screen near you in the not so distant future.

You read it here first folks. Now if you'll excuse me, im off to count the pages of a telephone directory.

The Despicable SaVile

Fixer of fiends

Look at his face up there, mocking us from beyond the grave with those long bird-like features and hollow eyes like two black onyx of vileness. (Or in other pictures his eyes a hellish glow, brought to life by red tinted glasses.) SaVile the Despicable, the Despicable SaVile. Now that the truth is seeping out from the sewer of entertainment, this creep has been exposed for the foul specimen he really was. A modern day bogeyman who belongs in a pit of evil where unimaginable beasts roam, leaving their souls at the door.
Police are currently investigating 300 offenses against children by this ManVulture and I wouldnt be suprised if there were many many more. (There are investigations being made over others too but this post is only about the Despicable SaVile.) To me, with his white straight edged hair, he looked like a nasty wraith with dead skin, a sinister creature to be avoided at all costs. Although a more accurate comparison would be to Baba Yaga the cruel hag of Slavic folklore who kidnaps and eats children, and has a hut that stands on chicken legs. Both were loners (their disgusting habits forced solitude) whose carcass bodies were topped with white straw hair and of course both preyed on innocent children. But while the Despicable SaVile owned no shack built on chicken legs (however much his ghoulish appearance indicated he could have), he did have a lonely cottage stuck in the wilds of Scotland which would have made the perfect lair for this heartless predator. Baba Yaga loved to feast on young, pearly flesh and the Despicable SaVile hinted he would have liked to as well, just take a peek at the photo below and the quote on his tee shirt. A quote by the ogre himself. Yes my dear readers, these two hellions were two rotten peas in a pod.
He may be one year dead now but I get the feeling the monster is with us still and not just grinning eerily from pages of tabloid newspapers either. A thing so foul is hard to die and should you find yourself walking alone at night through dark skeletal woods or on thick, foggy hills have a care! The Despicable SaVile might be close with dread fingers and cigar stained fangs ready to pounce and take you as another victim. The chains of death will struggle to contain a thing so evil, a thing so SaVile. The wicked Gein of our time, a terrible Krueger-like celebrity, clad in tacky gold, disguising his perverted lusts by offering a hand to charities.



Fear the creature

Yes let us never forget that charity was badly hurt and decieved by this skinny shard of darkness. A true scholar of the devil, able to hoodwink unsuspecting good causes (including hospitals and childrens homes) in order to gain access to the most vulnerable in society. Hideous bastard, may he now rest in agony under the rocky wing of hell. No sympathy should ever meet his fallen soul, and as his tombstone lies in broken pieces in a forgotten landfill so should our memories of him.
Indeed it is cast iron certainty that the memory of the Despicable SaVile is in ruins (understatement of the year) and he will and should be remembered only with revulsion and hate.
Rightly so. The man was an abomination and however much good he may have done for charities up and down the country can never excuse him of his sick crimes. Why should it? The feeding of a hungry kitten with my left hand will not undo the pain I inflict by strangling another cat with my right. There exists no savings bank to collect good deeds in order to be able to 'spend' them on doing bad.
The Despicable Savile was a ghoul and it is obvious now that any good he did was not done out of the goodness of his soul but rather driven by an insatiable need to do bad. This is what the unspeakable do.
There are other even more disturbing tales attached to this man but because they wander into the realms of necrophilia and this is a family blog (as newspapers are fond of saying) we will not be mentioning those. Suffice to say they only seal SaVile's reputation as a perfect monster, the stuff of nightmare.
So there you have it. The 1970/80s: a golden age of television, a time incidentally I grew up with, now forever tarnished with stories of perverted deeds by the rotten Despicable SaVile.


Legacy of hate

Fists Over the Mirage

I Can See You

People over on Twitter are getting excited over some television show being aired for the first time in the UK tonight. I find this ever so sad. We used to be inspired by Shakespeare, Everest, the Oceans and the flight of birds. Now it is television that gets the people off. The death of Mankind. You think Dai Jakes overly dramatic? Not when one considers we shall never see the likes of Da Vinci ever again. Yes we still have brilliant inventors and innovators but by and large our (or rather yours as I dont watch) imaginations have been cut to the quick by the relentless tide of rubbish television, made worse by countless channels and the need to fill them. Anything can get on TV these days.
I won't belabour the fact because my views about television are quite clear and well known but after witnessing such blind fever over a mere television show, I can only reiterate my feelings on the subject. And despair at the hopelessness of it all. Talk about putting a gun to your head, the majority of people are willingly stupefying themselves without seeming to care one jot. Still I mustn't be too harsh on them because perhaps its their way of numbing the senses and they use television in the same way as others use alcohol and drugs.
Still, I find it very sad to think hardly anyone reads the classic novels anymore and prefer iPods and the like. True the great books are available to download from places like iBooks but who is it (apart from yours truly) that is reading them? Not many I would wager.
Do thyselves a big favour and bin the dreadful television (or watch less), your mind and imagination will thank you. It doesn't like to be spoonfed ideas you know.

***** ***** ***** *****

No doubt amazed a person could ever live without television (when most seem hoplessly addicted), a few folks have asked me if I miss it. Three words: dear God no! Why on earth would I? I switched off a while ago now, and feel much better for having pulled the plug. More free, less cluttered in ideas and this is what people don't realise, the sense of liberation one gets when not glued to a TV timetable/guide is fantastic, like a dense fog suddenly lifted from the spirit. I doubt I will ever go back to watching lobotovision, the bland programes and series on offer are just not worth it and I prefer fresh air and books. Hell I would even take another episode of alcohol cold turkey over it!
Life for me now is less than 1% television. I do watch the news once a day (but its more often radio I hear it) and I enjoy Sons Of Anarchy (although ive never watched it on the tube, DVD boxsets only). And regardless of what other people think (to be honest I doubt theyre still capable of honest thought), I am NOT missing a darned thing. Whatever silly show or drama series you could suggest to me, I could offer you a thousand times more in the works of Shakespeare for example, or simply by walking the countryside and gazing at red kites. Life is never made richer by flicking the remote control but try a book, a good book, and you will be amazed and perhaps even inspired (but small steps first).
Also never get it in your head and believe thay I am missing out on anything by my television abstinence. That is delusion at its finest and proving how good a job TV does of mashing your mind. It is the people who ignore the works of the immortal and great who are missing out but alas for around 75% they are forever lost, doomed to digital purgatory in a hell I would fear more than Dante's vision. Over the top? Yes I am prone to being OTT when I witness such wilful ignorance being displayed without shame and in such abundance. Unlike most I feel with my soul, not my skin therefore the stings from mortal folly burn me to my chore.
Of course now it sounds like I am lambasting television as the death of orignal ideas and I am but also from discovering my freedom and even after what Ive written here, everyone is free to follow whatever brings them pleasure and certainly I hold no malice or grudges againt anyone because I have no right (nor wish) to take away anyones entertainment. Each to their own. Stripped of all this wordy mass, I guess this is an appeal from a humble poet and writer to people to give literature another chance because from where I sit I only watch words being drowned by the deafening volume of television and its heartbreaking.

My Television Sits Idle Like Coffins prt II

Evil Edna

Ive touched on this subject before but im not afraid to cover old ground when fresh ideas come knocking. Or no fresh ideas as the case may be on this topic. You for me, television is dead. Ive never been a big fan of it to be honest. Sure it had its time back in the golden days of the 1980s with shows like Chips, Dallas, Streethawk and The A Team but those days are long gone.
I do have giant plasma/LCD screens but I can count on one hand the things I watch on them. Its videogames that get most of my time nowadays (when im not on teh interwebz). I did try to watch Game Of Thrones but lost interest after the third episode. Not because of the show, the show is great, but I just cannot get into the habit of watching television. I feel foolish doing it which will seem silly to the majority of people, seeing as addicted as they are to it. but heres the real deal: I feel as awkward watching television as I would be sitting naked on my doorstep.
The only programmes (are they even called 'programmes' these days?) I could name are the aforementioned Game Of Thrones and Sons Of Anarchy. Thats it. Those two are television heavy metal and being a born MetalHead its only natural I enjoy them but even then I have to wait until the series comes out on Blu Ray boxset in order to see them because sitting on the sofa waiting for a programme to come on is alien to me. I simply don't like doing it. Just thinking about it brings a cloud of boredom over my head. I love videogames because im immersed in the thick of the action, im a part of what is happening and I can more or less dictate a lot of the outcomes, especially in open world sandbox titles.
I dont get this with television. With that im merely an impotent observer, a lurker to the action. Sterile and fiddling with a useless manhood.

RIP the tube

Pulp Television

Over the weekend a vile child killer was stabbed in the eyes by another murderer. Today in the news, the mother of a girl killed by this murderer who dished out the 'jailhouse justice', says she wishes the two killers could have fought until they had both expired. And this got me thinking; wouldn't it be wonderful if convicted killers were made to fight to death?
This is far from a new idea of course, one only has to look to the Colosseum in Rome and films like The Running Man to know that. Even videogames have have it covered with games like Smash TV (see pic).

A Smash Hit

But I would support this if it were ever made into reality. (It never would of course but we can dream). Two convicted murderers battling until death! And stepping away from the usual Hollywood script, there would never be the slightest chance of freedom for those who were triumphant in the arena. No, they would still be murderers and murderers need to be kept behind bars. Perhaps they could have a little extra chow at meal times or something? Free shower time maybe? I hear peace in prison showers is highly sought after, especially in American jails where convicts are more inclined to...erm you know what I mean.
It would draw millions of pounds/dollars if it aired on Pay Per View (as would live executions) and this money could go into victims charities.
The only downside would be stardom. Roman gladiators became superstars back in the day of the Colosseum so care would have to be taken to make sure this didn't happen with the inmates. Actually no, scrap that. Would anyone really hero worship a convicted child killer simply becuase they were forced to fight for our viewing pleasure? I doubt it.
This might be what one would call a barbaric idea but don't forget; coming up with ideas like this is in our nature. Look at our history.

Home Schooling vs Gin Lane 2011

Its been revealed that thousands of children in Wales are being taught at home instead of at school. I cant say Ive given much thought to this because before last September I was childless, but since the birth of my daughter I have thought quite a bit about school and I have to admit, im all for this. I know some say children will miss out on the social side of things and making chums but when you consider some of our schools are filled with illiterate chavs who care more about reality tv than Dickens, its no bad thing.
Im a pretty cultured creature at the chore (I hide it reasonably well by excursions into tattoo parlours and alcoholic storms) and it frightens me to think that my beloved daughter could become 'infected' with some of the rotten habits a lot of youngsters seem to have these days. (Most of it heaped onto them by foul parents I hasted to add.) I think we've all seen them; little boys with tight cropped hair and going around kicking litter bins like tiny thugs, or girls, horrifyingly young dressed up like hookers with make up and revealing clothes. And all of them writing in 'text' speak and swearing like sailors.
The parents of these urchins quite willing for television and videogames to be their electric nannies while they themselves wallow in lager and cigarette smoke. Its the Gin Lane of 2011, it really is. Utterly depressing. No hint of poetry and great literature, these children exist on soap operas and Big Mac diets making me actully fear the future, filled with the ignorant. There is no inspiration anymore, most children wanting to be 'famous' when older to follow in the footsteps of that wretched Katie Price who might be financially well off but is still cheaper than a jumble sale.
Also I don't trust schools themselves. There is no way they can cater for each child individually and im sorry but I want, nay demand that my daughter is given privelage over the other children. Wont happen in a school so im afraid thats another tick for home tutoring.
Addressing the social aspect of this is simple to my thinking. A school isn't the only place where children get together. There are lots of clubs and activities for them to be getting involved in. The religious ones even have church or chapel. When I was young I joined the Boys Brigade, a young ornothologist club, a canoe club and a club for young sub~aqua divers. I was never short of things to do outside school.
No doubt there are very good schools in this country but alas there is distrust of them. It is sadly the way of things at this moment in time. I hope things improve before the lights are extingueshed completey but I won't hold my breath.