Goodnight, Wes Craven

Horror at its brutal best

Ah, it had to happen. Wes Craven, director of some of the most iconic horror films has left us for the last great adventure in the sky. The young Dai Jakes grew up in the 1980s, when the summer blockbuster and slasher pics were born and A Nightmare on Elm Street was the first movie I lied about my age at the local video shop. Those were the days before this splendid beard and I was rather surprised my 14 year old baby face passed for 18. But im glad it did because it was the beginning of a love affair with horror films that was the perfect partner to my other love of heavy metal.
We could sit here and list classic 80s movies until teatime, and I doubt anybody would argue that the Elm Street films don't belong way up there on the shelf marked 'iconic'. Freddy Krueger is the Pac Man of its genre, sitting comfortably at the bar with fellow gore obsessed villains Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers (just don't go spilling their pint).
If I was to choose one Craven movie that stood out the most for me, it would be the Hills Have Eyes. Many say its not his best work but it stayed with me because it strayed into reality, the audience knew a scenario like that could actually happen and no matter how bad Freddy Krueger got, we knew no fiend could murder us in our dreams. Also there was the unforgettable Pluto played by Michael Berryman who was a popular bogeyman in many 80s films (still going in fact).

Anyway its best not to dwell too long in memories and eulogies, you can cheapen the words. Better to leave the great directors impressive body of work to do the talking. Im off to find out if Pluto is free for a date tonight in them thar hills.

Nos da/goodnight Wes, the world is the poorer this morning.

Sean Penn: Holywood's Dangerous Angel

First off, I know some people think its somehow "cool" to dislike Sean Penn (which is fine, people with something to say and aren't shy about saying it generally do come under some heavy fire) but I have a confession: I like the guy. And always have ever since seeing him in 1988's Bad Boys movie.
I will probably get a few negatives from my fellow Brits by admitting this (he rubbed more than a few up the wrong way after what he said about the Falkland Islands but hey ho, we have free speech yes?) but as a force for creativity goes, Penn is quite...awesome and excuse me while I blow my own trumpet but the "Dangerous Angel" in my title took no thought, came in an instant and suits the actor perfectly. I'm not a big film fan these days (poetry and videogames have a bigger place in my heart) but if I see Sean Penn's name in the credits, its an easier sell for me.
The man is a walking stick of TnT, oozing with charisma and I adore that danger which plays around his eyes. The silver screen does more than fairly crackle when he gets his acting chops on. British actors have always been rightly celebrated with giants like Sir Lawrence Olivier, Richard Burton, Peter O'Toole and Richard Harris but its always bugged me when some folk think American actors are less good. Perhaps today they are, like I said, I don't watch much movies these days, but Pacino, De Niro, Eastwood, Freeman and damn it yes Sean Penn? That's some heavyweight clout right there.
A local journalist once asked me which actor I would choose to recite my poetry. Obviously my first choice being Welsh was Richard Burton but when she said, I had to choose a living actor I could tell my reply surprised her a tad. "Sean Penn>?" She asked checking to see if she'd heard right. "Sean f**king Penn" I said, the F word used to emphasise how highly I rate his talent if that makes sense.

And the sad thing is? From the few movies I have watched recently featuring what the tabloids call, "hot young actors", I don't see a Burton or Penn in sight.

Fishing for Holllywood

Stranger things happen of course, afterall we inhabit a planet filled with miracles and disaster, so it wouldn't surprise me to learn that some sharp suited movie Joe with a fondness for the marching powder buzzed by this old blog of mine from time to time. Hell if nothing else, the hunger of their egos would make this a nailed on certainty. More nailed than a whale God with rare jewels for eyeballs, and bones crafted the calcified souls of super architects but let us get back to earth. Im straying too far from this post.
Can I just say, nay plead with the remains of a quickly greying youth to not be tricked into believing that a reboot/remake of American Ninja, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, They Live and Commando would be good idea. They won't, and you can take that to your overstuffed Century City banks (which if not careful will be remembered for the dosh they made rather than its art). Which would be a shame because while financial reward is itself very nice nothing will dim the glow of producing great work, be it movies, books or music.
Remakes might sound like goof idea, we all remember the glory glory years of the 1980s where it seemed most films were touched by gold but while we know a remake of something like Jaws would be awesome if we were able to capture that creative spark of 1975, we know (with a good del of sadness) that we never will. The most world's most famous shark is born, and attempting a reboot of such an iconic movie would be like mining for gold in a sugar field. Impossible.
Come on, we've seen enough remakes by now to realise that making them is disaster waiting to happen. Move on Hollywood, studios will be making remakes of remakes next (something that would surprise me not in the slightest). Mark my words: movie remakes only serve to dilute the magic of the original.

Here are some personal favourites of mine that ought be left well alone:

American Ninja
They Live
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Cobra
Point Break
Commando

Mess with these 80s cult classics at thy peril! In fact, better yet, don't mess with them at all. Ever. Lest the ghost of the late Steve James Cpl. Curis Jackson return to karate the movie directors.

Grand Theft Holiday

Roll on 6pm

Unless you live on Mars (and even then you will probably have heard about it), you will be aware that Grand Theft Auto V has been released today. One of the most expensive videogames ever made at £170m, more than many Hollywood blockbusters, we can be assured that games have grown up (youngsters really have no business playing this and shame on parents who buy it for wee Jimmy.) As a huge videogame fan, and not ashamed to admit it, my copy of the game is still sealed but I can almost feel it burning a hole through that packaging. Excited much? Oh yes, its like being eight years old on Christmas eve.
Now I understand that there will be readers who the last game they played was Pac-Man in the 1980s, and explaining the appeal of a game like Grand Theft Auto is difficult but I shall endeavour to try. By and large, the majority of us lead boring old lives. We do, admit it. Living on the edge for most of us means a cheeky sleeve of ginger (beer) at lunchtime, or chancing it by not buying a car park ticket. And this is fine, we enjoy the peace (and liberty) that living a law abiding life brings. But occasionally its nice to let off some steam and cause mayhem, to kick back at the world when on the skids, and because prison doesn't sound like a good plan and nobody (sane) wants to create real grief, the best way to go is to load up a copy of GTA. They are like little stress balls, only more fun.
Fancy robbing a liquor store? Go right ahead. Carjacking (even plane hijack)? Certainly sir, what vehicle takes your fancy? Cop giving you the funny eye? Why you oughta go right over and teach him a (painful) lesson. Its not even restricted to crime, there are a ton of things to get up to in Los Santos (Rockstar's reimagined Los Angeles) from golf, tennis, mountain climbing to unwinding in casinos and better still, strip clubs! Even walking along Santa Monica beach and taking in the sights is a good way to pass time, especially if you happen to be in cloudy old Britain as the nights begin to draw in. See the attraction yet? Its a holiday without the need of passports or awkwardly asking strangers for directions.
Videogames have come a long way since the time when gorillas hurled flaming barrels at fat Italian plumbers, or two white lines and a moving square represented tennis. Now we have 'sandbox' games, open worlds where the player can immerse themselves completely and and 'live another life', and nobody does it better than Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto series. Ive been a fan since the humble top down beginnings of the original game in 1997, they have gotten better with every 'episode'. (I think of them more as a violent soap opera with hefty doses of satire and comedy.) Its an escape. Some get it through books and movies (im an avid reader myself) but for those of us who need that little extra, to make us feel more involved, games are perfect. Why watch someone blow up a car in film when you can do it yourself?
Like I said, most of us lead very boring lives. But not today, not if you have Grand Theft Auto V.

Peta vs HollyBored

Pity mun!

PETA have said it's planning to stage protests at various Hobbit premieres around the world after ponies, goats, sheep and chickens died making the film.
Now I don't wish to sound cold here, and we have a duty to care for animals, but will people really be upset/angry or even bothered over this news? Afterall we are a meat loving species whatever spin the vegans put on it and millions of chickens are killed every day for those beloved KFC Bargain buckets. Plus I suspect the lines at the cinema for the Hobbit will still be extremely healthy. Sure there will the initial huffing and shouts of "this is an outrage!" But folk will setle down once the headlines are cold.
Hollywood have it all figured out. And so has Mr Jakes. This is how it works ~ Hollywood doesnt give a sh*t about you not giving a sh*t. Its a sad full stop but its true nonetheless. There was no pleasure in pointing this unhappy fact out, and as I look out to a dark and rainy evening, it isn't hard to imagine demons out there at work. (Bit of 'artistic dramatics' to end this post with.)

Blazing Wet Cage of Fish

I think Nicholas Cage is an average actor. At best. There ive said it. Again. Now this normally wouldn't bother me, hell im free to ignore his movies afterall. But here's the rub; Ghost Rider. I am a huge fan of the comics world and old flaming skull is a big favourite of mine. (Thats one of my Ghost Rider figures in the photo below). Now can you see my grumble? Having Cage play Johnny Blaze for me (block capitals because this is my opinion) is like getting Rowan Atkinson to play BruceWayne/Batman.


Ghost rider in the...living room

And all I thnk is 'urgh!' Some folk say Keanu Reeves is a wooden actor and this may be true but Cage is worse. He has all the presence of a wet fish up there on the screen. Less frightening too. I thought it was hilarious when they cast him as the bad ass in Con Air, especially as he was appearing in a film with real bad assed actors like Danny Trejo and Johm Malkovich. Oh my sides did I LOL!
Some actors make long hair look cool and sexy. Heck long hair IS cool and sexy and yet in Con Air, John Poe looked like the love child of Lurch and Worzel Gummidge. Face it (face~ache?), Nic is no looker.
So now you see my utter disappointment with Ghost Rider.
Johnny Blaze is a young spunky guy for crying out loud. Neither of which can be said of the walking chin that is Cage. So who would the esteemed Dai Jakes pick? Well two straight off the bat are Robert Pattinson (of the vampire thingy), and Ryan Hurst who plays Opie in Sons of Anarchy. Both these guys are streets ahead of 'Knickerless' Nicholas.
Sort it out Hollywood casting types. Do a reboot like whats happening with Spiderman and cast one of these boys.

Distressing Damsels

Ah the glamour of Hollywood! These pretty gods among mere mortals! Want to see some of the planets most beautiful women? Then pick up a movie or a gossip magazine and be amazed (and envious?) at the perfect darlings of Tinseltown. Let them have you in awe as they shine on the screen/page with their flawless skin (not airbrushed, honest) and natural beauty (no surgery, much) making you feel about as attractive as a packet of dry crackers. All the perfect creatures hang out in Los Angeles dididn't you know? People stay young there.
This is what a lot of folk would have you believe, but if you take off the blinkers you will see that its not without its share of plain Janes. (In fact if it wasn't for surgery and a hefty trowel of make up, there would be more Janes than Aphrodites).


Erm...I need another pint

Look at her above for example, Sarah Jessica Parker. Forget about the horsey face, eat some bloody food love! She looks like a medieval waif who has just spent the last five years in a dungeon eating nothing but gruel. Loving the whippet look. Not. What do on earth do movie casters actually see in this woman? Come to think about it, what do they see in any of those women in the Sex And the City things? (Not sure if its a tv series or film, never watched them). they are as bland as the sand. With a lot less substance.
Fact is I really, hand-on-heart cannot name you one Hollywood leading lady that makes me go "PHWOOAAARR!" like I do whenever I see Dame Helen Mirren. (Had the hots for Hels since forever).

As Soon As The Gods Go

Allow me to throw some names out into the blogosphere; Clint Eastwood. Gene Hackman. Jack Nicholson. Harrison Ford. Robert De Niro. Al Pacino. Morgan Freeman. (Sadly, apart from Dame Helen Mirren, the British and Irish giants have already left us.)
Only two of the above Hollywood legends are under 70 (Ford and De Niro). It got me thinking, who the hell is going to replace these guys, true heavyweights of cinema, when they finally get a casting call from the Great Director in the sky? Who has the chutzpah to fill these iconic loafers? Nobody immediately springs to my mind. Well a few names do but I cringe at the idea.

An icon of our times

Let us see; Brad Pitt. Johhny Depp. Jason Statham. Orlando Bloom. Leonardo DiCaprio. Rhys Ifans. Erm...that will do for now because its making me depressed. Don't get me wrong, I like these guys (mind you Pitt has made some stinkers recently), but do they really possess the magic of the old timers? Really, really? I have grave doubts. Of those mentioned I would pick Johnny and Leo to reach the vertigo inducing heights of legendom (not a word? It should be), while the others simmer on a much lower heat.
In fact DiCaprio has impressed me no end since my initial misgivings in the more-fashion-show-than-film Titanic. Movies like The Departed, Gangs Of New York, and the earlier Basketball Diaries about poet Jim Carrol showed me that. He's a fine actor. Ditto Depp but the rest seem very...shall I say flimsy.
I had high hopes for Brad Pitt but the older he gets, the more (for me) he seems to lose a little stardust. And the Brits I mention are great (I love Statham films) but are they great enough? In my opinion no.
When the likes of Eastwood and De Niro leaves us, Hollywood will become a much poorer place, and judging by most of the films it churns out these days, that will be the End of it.

Oscar....Who He?

With the amount of tripe Hollybored churns out these days, im quite suprised this Oscar thingy is still around but hey ho as The Ramones used to say, these awards have come around again and tonight some fancy hall will be filled with actors and directors while thousands of oiks with nothing better to do sit around gawking at them. And no doubt dreaming of the poncey...sorry LOVELY clothes being shown off. (No accounting for some peoples taste.)


the new Frannsters award

I can't comment on the films being nominated because quite franky dear reader I don't know a thing about it. I long since gave up on movies having the power to entertain me but no doubt Clint Eastwood is up for something as he is one of the very few actors/directors left who is any good. (When Eastwood eventually shuffles off his mortal coil, the movie world will feel a loss such as its never felt before, mark this writers words.)
But whoever wins, I won't be tuning in because the time difference means that by the time the people have plonked their finely toned derriere's onto the plush seats, I will be safely in the arms of Morpheus visiting a paradise that no Hollywood director or artist could ever dream up.
I do wonder what television viewers get out of watching this sort of thing. Is it to ogle at the so called 'beautiful' people? To drool over their clothes and cleavage? Or are they supporting their favourite film? A film they had nothing whatsoever to do with apart from gain a few pounds from shovelling popcorn into their gobs when watching it. Why was this circus ever televised in the first place? A silly question to ask in these celebrity ravaged days of course, when everything an actor does is lapped up by the ignorant masses but im fairly suprised it got air time in times past. We haven't always been so moronically obssessed with fame. Have we?

Movie Watch 2010

In the 1980's the slasher/horror films were big. In the 90's it was Quentin Tarantino action and serious films like Speilberg's brilliant Schindler's List that were popular. In the 00's (noughties?) however, the movie going public seems to have fallen in love with films aimed at children. Check out the top ten below:

Highest-grossing films of 2010 (as of December 15, 2010) ~

1. Toy Story 3
2. Alice in Wonderland
3. Inception
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
5. Shrek Forever After
6. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
7. Iron Man 2
8. Despicable Me
9. Clash of the Titans
10. How to Train Your Dragon

A Legend Has Passed

One of Hollywoods greats, Tony Curtis, has passed away aged 85 years old. The Oscar nominated actor had appeared in over 140 films. A sad day indeed for family, friends and his legion of fans. I must admit I was never a huge fan and I have only now discovered that he is the father of Jaime Lee Curtis, but obviously I have heard of the man. Who could not?


Hollywood Heart throb: Tony Curtis

Some of his films included Some Like It Hot with Marilyn Monroe (1959) Spartacus (1960) Goodbye Charlie (1964) and B movie spoof Lobster Man From Mars (1989).
Its strange how a persons death can provoke interest in him/her for surely I will not be the only one who will be checking out Tony Curtis' dvds for what will be in the most part the first time.
Save a barstool for me in that great vineyard in the sky Mr Curtis. At 85 you have run the kind of innings that will be almost impossible foe me. Bravo!